You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
Well, Roissy is a man in his 40s who’s obsessed with fucking teenagers. Perhaps he assumes that most woman have a similar sexual preference for people less than half their age.
Using that logic, given that the women he wants to fuck are about 18, no wonder he thinks that acting like an 8 year old will be appealing to them.
(I still think it’s mostly about trying to manipulate women into staying with you by destroying their self esteem, though.)
I’m a bit late to the game, but I just want to add to the group of posters who don’t in the least think they could do better than their current partners, because their current partners are great people and not assholes. I love my boyfriend. He’s awesome, and part of why he is awesome is that he would be about as likely to act like he was throwing a pet out the window as he would to spontaneously turn purple and sprout wings.
Seriously, NWO, this isn’t rocket science, and it isn’t gendered. If someone is dating a horrible person, then they could do better, because there exist non-horrible people they could ask out instead. If a man is dating a woman who deliberately farts on him, tries to crash his car, and threatens to kill his pets, that man absolutely can and should find someone better! I realize the idea of “not being an asshole” is terribly foreign to you, but I assure you many people manage not to be assholes to each other on a daily basis, and I will wholeheartedly encourage all such people to date other non-assholes, regardless of the genders of anyone involved.
Which suggests an alternate explanation for the “I tried this and she acted angry but then she was all over my dick, chicks are crazy I guess” stories. (Besides that they’re just lies.)
Which is that she’s hoping that if she has sex with him then he’ll take her seriously again. That it’ll put him in a good mood, it’ll remind him of the intimacy in their relationship, it’ll get him to see her as an adult again. I guess if you’re an asshole you can call her a sucker, but I can understand that kind of desperation. That feeling that if sex is all you have to offer him, by God you’re going to offer it until he can’t help but appreciate you again.
OT but a guy on my facebook just shamed another guy by telling him he’ll never get a girlfriend. I thought only the women did that?
MISANDRY!!!!!!1
Eeek, it says EVERYTHING that this guy used to be called ‘Roissy.’
Oh yeah, for anyone who doesn’t get the reference, “Roissy” and “Chateau” are references to “The Story of O,” which is a classic BDSM novel:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_story_of_o
Arguably “The Story of O” is about consensual (if extreme) submission, but I’m pretty sure all “Heartiste” saw in it was a woman getting humiliated a lot.
Some of these “suggestions” are quite abusive eg, threatening to harm a pet or crash her car (who the fuck would be that stupid anyway?) and this kind of shit can escalate. Personally, if someone did any of this to me I’d be out of there. This kind of behaviour (as Roisy says) is about breaking down her self esteem and convincing her that she doesn’t deserve better. He’s a genuine, a-grade arsehole.
He’s a NUT, Andy.
I’m sure “The Story of O” would’ve had even more fans if the author had included scenes of farting in her bed and drawing smiley faces on her tampons. That shit’s romantic and HOT.
as for threatening someone’s pet, I’d like to throw *him* out the window. piece of shit. what is it with misogynists and cat hating anyway??
Belle: Cats are (a) generally gendered feminine in our society and (b) unlikely to put up with any of your shit.
Ozy: Our youngest cat (nicknamed Crazypants) willingly, joyfully bites the hands that feed her all the time. She scratched a woman known in our circle as ‘The Cat Whisperer’ for trying to trim her claws. I have scar on my foot from where she used it as a launching pad. If anyone who didn’t love her as much as we do – we hand raised her from about five weeks, the ungrateful little wretch – tried any shit, I think they would probably need stitches. And honestly, I’d point and laugh – anyone who knows us we enough to be around our cats knows damn we she’s insane and tempting her is like tempting fate.
I have always found it really insulting to both men and women when MRAs go on about how men have to have power over women or else women will have power over men and all hell will break loose.
The fact that none of these people seem to have ever had a non abusive relationship (either being the abused or the abuser) says a lot about how messed up they already are when coming into a relationship.
HINT: If someone abuses you, the EXACTLY WRONG TACTIC is to make sure that in your next relationship you become the abusive person. It’s also wrong to fight abuse with abuse of your own.
One of the things that bothers me the most about all this male posturing and PUA nonsense is the fact that they treat women like they’re the ENEMY, some kind of country that they have to infiltrate, lay their bombs and run out before they get shot. That is not a healthy way to relate to another human being, and until they can see women as real, dynamic human beings, there is no way to win the “war.”
Why do so many things have to be wars, anyway? Why is there us-vs-them, why do we always have to see an Enemy, or an Other? The world would be a better place if we saw each other as parts of a whole.
If there is anything good about liberalism it is this inclusivity. (Of course I’m not oblivious to the fact that liberalism, like any political party, is flawed and with its own bigots.)
Getting lost in philosophy… Weeeeeee.
alright I’m not gonna lie…I giggled
at least this immaturity is backed up by real science xD
Polliwog:
I still remember the time a close friend of mine asked if she could bring her new boyfriend to a dinner party. Since every single one of her other boyfriends had been assholes with a vengeance (I’d long since lost count of the number of times I’d let her cry on my shoulder while restraining myself from saying “well, it was a bit blindingly obvious to the rest of us from the start”), I wasn’t at all keen on saying yes, and sought a second opinion from a mutual friend who’d met him. To my surprise, she said he was actually a really nice and patently decent guy, “so of course it won’t last”.
This was twenty years ago, and they’re celebrating their seventeenth wedding anniversary this summer. Which just goes to show what happens when you break the habit of a lifetime and start dating non-horrible people instead.
“I don’t care if you are hispanic, you fucking idiot. That just means you are minimizing *our* problems instead of *my* problems, because you are a fucking idiot. How stupid can you possibly be? You’re USian, aren’t you? I’ve been here all my life and I have to worry about being deported if I go get tanked without ID on me, and you’re pretending racism is over? Fuck off, dude.”
Anger management therapy. Then, join the MRM, and actually DO something about oppression. Feminism is the enemy. Are you going to wait for feminism to do to the Hispanic family, what they did to the black family?
Why? Because you say so? Keep proving you’re not part of a real civil rights movement. Anger is useful. You should be angry at things that are inherently unjust, especially when they’re affecting you.
Are you fucking kidding me? The MRM is fucking racist as all get out. I’m not joining idiots who talk about FOREIGN WIVES; that’s not just sexist, it’s imperialist as shit. That you do it is bad enough, but it’s a fucking commonly done thing in your play pretend movement.
Also, you idiots don’t do anything. Even if you didn’t hate women, gay people too, or trans people (Because I actually care about my girlfriend’s welfare too), there’d still be no incentive for me to join you. You can’t organize 50 people into a march. Because you’re not a real civil rights movement.
Not only are you a nitwit who doesn’t know anything and is just playing pretend, but you are an appropriative little shit.
Antz, I made you a marmoset!
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/16904078.jpg
You can add “and Hispanic” after white, though I’m not sure that’s true for most of the MRM.
Antz try to recruit a Manboobzer for the third time, what will Rutee say? Tadam tadam…
NWO, how do you call this thing were people put a condom on the penis, then do some things that sometimes involves genitals, hands, mouthes, asses, pleasure and orgasm. Since, you know, it’s not sex.
Natasha, I agree and I think that’s really the point is the “women” as one entire monolith is so insulting and likewise that’s insulting for men. My fianceé sent me a news article today on reebok, in trouble for once again treating, at first glance, women badly, but what marketing says about men, so many of them equally insult men and women.
I may as well get the link, also reminds me of a video.
http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201203/reebok-pulls-controversial-cheating-ad
Also
Oh, I’m too late. Antz 0, Manboobz 3
sky (can I call you sky?), that video is brilliant.
Wish I could take credit.
You can take credit for bringing it here. 🙂
LOL @ AntZ’s recruiting attempts.
Want to hear something funny/weird? I’m lying in bed this morning and I hear this non stop quacking from a female duck in my backyard. She’s just quacking and quacking. Then the mallard which I believe is her mate arrives and stands about a foot behind her. He doesn’t quack, just stands there while she just keeps quacking in the same direction. Finally they flew away. Clearly it was a shrill feminist duck (influenced by my posts no doubt XD) and her beta mallard husband.
In all seriousness though I hope their young weren’t harmed or something, because I’ve never heard a duck quack nonstop like that. She must have been going on for about 5 minutes.