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Heartiste: Totally dominate your woman by farting in bed and pretending to kill her cat

Cartman demonstrating male dominance and creativity.

You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.

[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.

Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:

Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.

Then he starts getting mean:

Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.

Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)

The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:

Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.

Replace her cosmetics with crayons.

The puerile:

Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.

Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.

Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.

The surreal:

Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)

And the just plain assholish:

Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.

Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:

The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”

Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?

In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:

Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.

Throw his Xbox360 out the window.  (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.

Leave him.

Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.

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Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
9 years ago

I can tell Roissy is full-on trolling with most of these, but I’m not so sure if his followers can.

Though as I am sure everyone knows, if you are a beta in some bullshit provider relationship and you pull this, you’ll get your ass handed to you on a plate by your femcunt girlfriend, or god forbid, your femcunt fatty wife who will take 85% of your assets and then some.

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
9 years ago

Tthat second part was meant to be quoted from his blog comments. I think I mistyped “blockquote” in a hurry.

the twisted spinster
the twisted spinster
9 years ago

Hmmm. Apparently Roissy still has not met the Perfect Woman of His Dreams. I wonder why that has not happened. I wonder.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Even as trolling it’s incredibly stupid, because then it’s just reduced to the level of “I said a hilariously wrong thing and it was hilariously wrong.”

Um, yay for you?

Can’t tell the difference between this shit and how he usually tells men to treat their partners, anyway.

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

My brain just broke from stupid overload

donsie
donsie
9 years ago

This made me burst out laughing. And by ‘this’ I meant David’s mocking list at the end.

Rutee Katreya
9 years ago

Making yourself look like a complete fucking nitwit isn’t trolling anyone. It’s just making yourself look like a complete fucking nitwit. Trolling well and actually drawing people into arguments is hard. Actually tweaking people can be hard (and successfully being an asshole is not an accolade). What most ‘trolls’ actually end up doing is closer to this.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v339/Zecro/trolling.png

DYOR
DYOR
9 years ago

Of course you don’t get it David, manginas don’t know how to give women gina tingles. Maybe one day when you become an older man maybe not.

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

RE: Rutee

I kinda wanna do a Troll Zoo with all the various types of troll. The Flat-Out Slur Troll, the Science Says So! Troll, the Purposely Dumb Troll…

All accompanied with appropriate drawings, of course.

Rutee Katreya
9 years ago

Of course you don’t get it David, manginas don’t know how to give women gina tingles. Maybe one day when you become an older man maybe not.

I will not say that there is not a single woman in the world who hasn’t found these things arousing. It’s a big world. But if you actually expect any of this shit to work, you are completely disconnected from reality.

Seriously, there’s a reason a bunch of women are here making fun of this list.

Lady Zombie
Lady Zombie
9 years ago

Wow. This guy really disdains his followers. He’s just an all around asshole; he hates women, and hates men, particularly the ones he thinks are lesser. In short, everyone that isn’t him.

Roissy appears to be stuck at age 8 when boys shoot spitballs at girls they like.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

Nothing spices up a relationship like a big, drawn-out fight?

I actually think this, like so much other PUA stuff, is based on the fear that if you let a woman know you like her, she’ll have the ability to hurt you. Much better to dole out affection like little treats that she can beg for, and make it clear that you can take it away at any time. Because that’s a fun relationship!

Although, full disclosure: my boyfriend has totally honked my boobs.

Quackers
Quackers
9 years ago

I wish he was trolling. In the comments someone actually points out how stupid this is and he responds to them with his usual insults. You know the type where you think you’re being clever by turning things around on a person but really all they are are childish “nyah nyah you’re ugly and alone” types of “insults”?

Which isn’t surprising given this list and his occasional stick figure porn drawings. Nothing says alpha like MS paint dicks!

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

DYOR: I don’t know if David is a mangina, but I happen to have a vagina so far this list gave me no tingle.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

I get all the gina tingles from cruel practical jokes that I can neither predict nor avoid.

This actually hits home, because I dated two guys who thought it was awesome to play “jokes” on me–guys who actually did the tit honk and the dutch oven, that kind of classy shit. With the first one, it took me way too long to realize that I wasn’t playing any “jokes” on him and that his “jokes” were actually incredibly cruel and humiliating. With the second one, it took two dates.

So yeah, there are guys dumb enough to do this kind of crap, and short of making it part of a difficult-to-escape abusive relationship (which I realize is something Roissy is all about), they get very very few gina tingles for it.

Bostonian
9 years ago

I’m pretty sure it is the same reason David made fun of this list, even though he is a man.

Not disagreeing with you Rutee, it just needed to be repeated for the doofus brigade.

Quackers
Quackers
9 years ago

Maybe one day when you become an older man maybe not.

like 40 something Roissy/Heartiste who is amused by poop and penis drawings?

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

I actually think this, like so much other PUA stuff, is based on the fear that if you let a woman know you like her, she’ll have the ability to hurt you. Much better to dole out affection like little treats that she can beg for, and make it clear that you can take it away at any time. Because that’s a fun relationship!

Yep.

It’s the same reason they have so much disdain for cuddling and for displaying any more “romance” than they absolutely have to. Because if you get to liking a woman and taking her seriously, she’ll have influence over you, and that’s terrifying.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

I had to google the Dutch oven prank. That definitely sound like something a 8 yo kid would do.

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

Wait, wait. DYOR WASN’T being facetious?

…I really can’t tell anymore… D:

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

OK, the car thing takes the exacta of dangerous and stupid.

I too have dated boob-honk and dutch-oven guy. He’s an ex for many reasons, but those are two.

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

Also, guys like this are why until this week, I always arranged my room so that I would ALWAYS have a view of the door during my usual activities.

Quackers
Quackers
9 years ago

@LBT

I’m kinda confused myself…not sure if sarcastic or serious…assumed serious cuz I don’t recognize their username

indifferentsky
9 years ago

“Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.”

No idea.

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@David

Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)

Now you’ve gone too far! Throw HIM out the window if you want, but his 360?!!! C’mon son!

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Although only one boyfriend was really egregious about it, there was a long time that I let a lot of guys get away with the boob-honk because I had a sense of humor and I wasn’t oversensitive and I was a cool funny chick.

(Note that I said “let them get away with it,” not “got turned on by it,” because for chrissake.)

That time is over. New policy: if you boob-honk, I ball-honk.

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
9 years ago

Yeah, I guess saying that he’s trolling is giving too much credit to a guy who openly states that women shouldn’t vote.

princessbonbon
9 years ago

Of course you don’t get it David, manginas don’t know how to give women gina tingles. Maybe one day when you become an older man maybe not.

And I am sure David appreciates your dating advice.

And by appreciate I mean laughs at.

And by laughs at I mean does not give a rat’s ass about.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

I should clarify: my ex used to do uncomfortable things to my breasts in order to show me that, as my boyfriend, he was allowed to touch them whenever he wanted, and that probably included honking at some point (I honestly don’t remember). Very clearly Not Okay. My current boyfriend lightly honked my boobs as part of a consensual silly tickle fight featuring many stomach raspberries that stopped as soon as one of us (him) said he’d had enough. I’m not sure Heartiste would approve.

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

Now you’ve gone too far! Throw HIM out the window if you want, but his 360?!!! C’mon son!

Yeah, that voids the Microsoft warranty!

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@Falconer

EXACTLY!! Somethings are just too sacred to fuck around with!

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

Not to provide TMI, but I don’t ever do uncomfortable things to my wife because I like touching her and if I touched her in a nasty uncomfortable way I would pretty quickly find my permission to touch her revoked. I mean, above and beyond my conviction that doing things like honking breasts and pinching butts is wrong.

Shit, do guys like Heartiste actually realize that a relationship can be had without one side being dominant and the other submissive? It’s like they think every relationship is lopsided in terms of power and if you don’t have the power, the other person has it and they will dutch-oven you and pretend to kill your pet. This is not to denigrate, slander or disappear actual D/s relationships but presumably there’s an element of consent to those that is obviously lacking in what Heartiste would have you do..

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

EXACTLY!! Somethings are just too sacred to fuck around with!

I … oh gods, I just realized I blithely click through all kinds of EULAs without reading them. There’s probably a throwing-your-console-out-the-window clause in at least one of them that means you’d be liable to trim Bill Gates’s grass for life. With your teeth.

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

I’m sorry, I find myself suddenly fixated upon wondering where, when and how Parker and Stone learned to draw. The woman’s expression in the middle of that .gif is evocative of a cartoon series that does not actually try trolling with its artwork.

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

Ugh. Thank god, of all the things I’ve ever dealt with, nobody has ever honked me. That would’ve just been… I can’t imagine a more dysphoria-inducing experience, topped off with a heaping side of, “You’re not a human, you’re just body parts that are mine to interact with as I choose!”

Also, I had hormonal issues, so that would’ve fucking HURT. What is WRONG with people?

Lady Zombie
Lady Zombie
9 years ago

Or you could could hack and mod his console, edit his Xbox Live profile so that it appears he’s advertising prestige lobbies for CoD in exchange for Microsoft points, then solicit a member of Xbox Live Enforcement Team. That should get him a permaban.

Too cruel?

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

I think what D/s relationships have that Roissy’s nonsense doesn’t is the right to a) consent initially and b) withdraw consent at any time. It’s conceivable that there is some person out there who likes knowing their partner could flush the toilet when they’re in the shower, and who could arrange some sort of “every once in a while it would be nice if you made my shower freezing” sort of deal with them, which they could suspend or call off at any time. That is nowhere near what Roissy wants. He wants men to do something to their female partners that the vast majority won’t like, because they won’t like it, without asking.

Maya
Maya
9 years ago

What is WRONG with people?

We are stupid, barbaric monkeys who still live in fear, greed, and impulse. That’s pretty much it.

If the world were any worse a place we would be at each other’s throats. Actually that world already exists. It’s called the Internet.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

I know why Roissy and Co. are so hostile toward “manginas” and “betas,” by the way, and it’s not just dumb aggression toward anyone who disagrees.

It’s because the whole scheme they want to run on their girlfriends requires the girlfriends to believe that there are no better men out there. They need to make their partners think “my options are a guy who sometimes gives me a little scrap of validation, or a guy who gives me none at all.”

“Manginas,” as men who give women actual respect, are a huge threat to the whole scam.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Hey now, Maya, my best friend is a human being. I don’t appreciate that kind of talk.

Dracula
Dracula
9 years ago

Yeah, this whole PUA scene seems less about “How to be attractive and charming.” and more about “How to craft yourself into That Guy No One Want to Be Alone With.”

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

It’s because the whole scheme they want to run on their girlfriends requires the girlfriends to believe that there are no better men out there. They need to make their partners think “my options are a guy who sometimes gives me a little scrap of validation, or a guy who gives me none at all.”

That makes a whole lot of sense, actually.

You make me feel cloth-headed, Holly, but then I suppose I have the — dare I say privilege? — of not having it shoved in my face at all hours.

Snowy
Snowy
9 years ago

Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.

I don’t even understand what this is supposed to do.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Snowy – With some plumbing systems, it makes the water suddenly get scalding hot.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

I think it’s supposed to make the shower cold, or maybe have less pressure. Not sure why, it doesn’t work like that in my home.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

ninja’d. And correct’d. ^_^

Hey now, Maya, my best friend is a human being. I don’t appreciate that kind of talk.

Hum. That what people say to defend their bigotry. Aren’t a bit humanophob?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

The comments section is fun… And rather illuminating.

Arch
Tit honking is a classic.

I had a friend in highschool that had another act:

“Handshake!”

“Armshake!”

“Milkshake!”

pantyfx
Playing firetruck

Indian Burns

Reading Fortunes

Basically 2nd graders are the best purveyors of easy game.

Another tactic here is “im good with everyone game”, if you can manage to do this to prudish people, old people, children it makes a girls heart sing and her pussy twinkle like the trail of a banana slug.

*sigh*

If there was a question of whether Heartiste is trolling with his suggestions… his commentors do not think so. There are far too many comments along the lines of “do this juvenile shit, then she’ll fuck your brains out.” I can only imagine that, to the extent they do get positive reactions from their respective partners, it’s only because their partners view them as man-children, and are just the kind of people that put up with that shit.

In shorter words, their reaction is probably “aww, X is adorable with his antics,” rather than “wow, X is totally dominating and manly.”

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

“Milshake” technically only work if both person have milk-makers.

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

Is there a boob-genius who can explain to me why these strategies have a huge and growing following of men who swear by them?

I have not sold any virtual-partner kits yet, so whatever is working so well for these men, is working on real women.

Feminism is cancer, and Heartiste is Pi Shuang.

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
9 years ago

Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.

I mentioned it before on the forums, but it’s important enough to repeat that it is cruel to put a clown doll in someone’s bed while they sleep. It makes me think of that scary scene from Poltergeist with the creepy clown doll. *Shudder* My son said the elf on the shelf was creepy, so I sent that sucker right back to the North Pole (aka Target or Wal-mart, wherever I bought it). Just go to google images and look up elf on the shelf and you’ll see what I’m talking about. He looks like he was modeled after the Poltergeist clown toy.

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