You know how in Cosmo they have all those little guides on how to spice up your relationships? Well, now the douchebag PUA guru Heartiste has helpfully prepared a guide of his own.
[T]hanks to the wonders of game, men can limit their relationship energy requirements while maximizing the impact each unit of spent energy has on women’s interest levels. In layman’s terms, men can easily spice up relationships (and dates) with almost no effort by employing the drive-by tease.
Here are a few of his tricks. I am not making these up. These are actual suggestions as to ways to “spice up” relationships written by a man who is reportedly in his forties. He starts off fairly mild:
Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower.
Then he starts getting mean:
Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work.
Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. (Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills.)
The rest of the list is a mixture of the stupid:
Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing.
Replace her cosmetics with crayons.
The puerile:
Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons.
Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.
Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.
The surreal:
Put her panties on her cat (Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed.)
And the just plain assholish:
Pretend to throw her cat out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak.
Heartiste then explains the SCIENCE behind all this idiocy:
The drive-by tease is, typically, the non-verbal equivalent of the cocky/funny neg. … The DBT subliminally asserts male dominance as well as creativity, both of which are catnip to women. Dominance assertion is telegraphed in any act where the subtext is “I don’t care if you’re offended by this.”
Really? Drawing a smiley face on her tampon “asserts male dominance?” Farting demonstrates creativity?
In any case, I have a few suggestions for women whose boyfriends actually do any of this shit in an attempt to show what awesome dudes they are:
Take a shit in his underwear drawer. Claim it was the dog, even if you don’t have a dog.
Throw his Xbox360 out the window. (A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect.)
Make him a BBQ sandwich, using menstrual blood instead of BBQ sauce.
Leave him.
Actually, you’d probably do best just to skip directly to that last one.
I can tell Roissy is full-on trolling with most of these, but I’m not so sure if his followers can.
Though as I am sure everyone knows, if you are a beta in some bullshit provider relationship and you pull this, you’ll get your ass handed to you on a plate by your femcunt girlfriend, or god forbid, your femcunt fatty wife who will take 85% of your assets and then some.
Tthat second part was meant to be quoted from his blog comments. I think I mistyped “blockquote” in a hurry.
Hmmm. Apparently Roissy still has not met the Perfect Woman of His Dreams. I wonder why that has not happened. I wonder.
Even as trolling it’s incredibly stupid, because then it’s just reduced to the level of “I said a hilariously wrong thing and it was hilariously wrong.”
Um, yay for you?
Can’t tell the difference between this shit and how he usually tells men to treat their partners, anyway.
My brain just broke from stupid overload
This made me burst out laughing. And by ‘this’ I meant David’s mocking list at the end.
Making yourself look like a complete fucking nitwit isn’t trolling anyone. It’s just making yourself look like a complete fucking nitwit. Trolling well and actually drawing people into arguments is hard. Actually tweaking people can be hard (and successfully being an asshole is not an accolade). What most ‘trolls’ actually end up doing is closer to this.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v339/Zecro/trolling.png
Of course you don’t get it David, manginas don’t know how to give women gina tingles. Maybe one day when you become an older man maybe not.
RE: Rutee
I kinda wanna do a Troll Zoo with all the various types of troll. The Flat-Out Slur Troll, the Science Says So! Troll, the Purposely Dumb Troll…
All accompanied with appropriate drawings, of course.
I will not say that there is not a single woman in the world who hasn’t found these things arousing. It’s a big world. But if you actually expect any of this shit to work, you are completely disconnected from reality.
Seriously, there’s a reason a bunch of women are here making fun of this list.
Wow. This guy really disdains his followers. He’s just an all around asshole; he hates women, and hates men, particularly the ones he thinks are lesser. In short, everyone that isn’t him.
Roissy appears to be stuck at age 8 when boys shoot spitballs at girls they like.
Nothing spices up a relationship like a big, drawn-out fight?
I actually think this, like so much other PUA stuff, is based on the fear that if you let a woman know you like her, she’ll have the ability to hurt you. Much better to dole out affection like little treats that she can beg for, and make it clear that you can take it away at any time. Because that’s a fun relationship!
Although, full disclosure: my boyfriend has totally honked my boobs.
I wish he was trolling. In the comments someone actually points out how stupid this is and he responds to them with his usual insults. You know the type where you think you’re being clever by turning things around on a person but really all they are are childish “nyah nyah you’re ugly and alone” types of “insults”?
Which isn’t surprising given this list and his occasional stick figure porn drawings. Nothing says alpha like MS paint dicks!
DYOR: I don’t know if David is a mangina, but I happen to have a vagina so far this list gave me no tingle.
I get all the gina tingles from cruel practical jokes that I can neither predict nor avoid.
This actually hits home, because I dated two guys who thought it was awesome to play “jokes” on me–guys who actually did the tit honk and the dutch oven, that kind of classy shit. With the first one, it took me way too long to realize that I wasn’t playing any “jokes” on him and that his “jokes” were actually incredibly cruel and humiliating. With the second one, it took two dates.
So yeah, there are guys dumb enough to do this kind of crap, and short of making it part of a difficult-to-escape abusive relationship (which I realize is something Roissy is all about), they get very very few gina tingles for it.
I’m pretty sure it is the same reason David made fun of this list, even though he is a man.
Not disagreeing with you Rutee, it just needed to be repeated for the doofus brigade.
like 40 something Roissy/Heartiste who is amused by poop and penis drawings?
Yep.
It’s the same reason they have so much disdain for cuddling and for displaying any more “romance” than they absolutely have to. Because if you get to liking a woman and taking her seriously, she’ll have influence over you, and that’s terrifying.
I had to google the Dutch oven prank. That definitely sound like something a 8 yo kid would do.
Wait, wait. DYOR WASN’T being facetious?
…I really can’t tell anymore… D:
OK, the car thing takes the exacta of dangerous and stupid.
I too have dated boob-honk and dutch-oven guy. He’s an ex for many reasons, but those are two.
Also, guys like this are why until this week, I always arranged my room so that I would ALWAYS have a view of the door during my usual activities.
@LBT
I’m kinda confused myself…not sure if sarcastic or serious…assumed serious cuz I don’t recognize their username
“Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven.”
No idea.
@David
Now you’ve gone too far! Throw HIM out the window if you want, but his 360?!!! C’mon son!