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Betamaxipad

He is totally going to score.

Beta males! Do you want to score with the pretty ladies? The Heartiste formerly known as Roissy has a suggestion for you: figure out when your favorite pretty lady is having cotton pony rodeo time – sorry,  her period — and make your move then! Apparently, according to SCIENCE, that’s when the pretty ladies will be most receptive to your pathetic, hamhanded beta advances.

Let’s let the master explain:

[D]uring the three weeks a woman is not ovulating (and especially during her menstruation) her desire is shifted toward beta provider males. … To put this in the simplest terms possible, a woman who is hot enough to bang greater alphas will subconsciously gravitate to lesser alphas as her ovaries power down for three weeks. A plain jane who makes herself receptive to greater betas when ovulating will subconsciously begin to warm to the attentions of lesser betas reading her poetry after her hormones stabilize post-ovulation.

But fellas, don’t actually expect her to stoop to having sex with the likes of you.

I don’t mean she is suddenly going to be attracted to the opposite of the alpha males she craves when egging out. Instead, I mean she will become more indulgent of men who are somewhat more beta than the last alpha male she banged, or wished to bang, when she was ovulating. …

[B]eta males are not going to suddenly see action for three weeks with the women who aren’t ovulating. What they might see is more receptiveness — more openness — to their sloppy, guileless flirtations from those women.

And if by some weird miracle you beta dudes are actually dating a woman, Heartiste is a little more optimistic for you:

[E]njoy your two or three tepid bangs during the three weeks you are reasonably safe from the depredations of your sweet girlfriend’s behavioral modification egg assault and any interloper alpha males who might be conveniently available to her. No, you won’t ever get her to scream “choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you” like Olivia Munn, but at least you get to wrap up your two minute tenderly administered intimacy sessions scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls with twenty minute cuddleramas and a bloated chickflix queue.

Oy. I can’t really keep up the sarcasm after that. I just feel bad that the genuinely charming and hilarious Olivia Munn (no sarcasm here) has been pulled into Heartiste’s strange fantasy world.

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Rahxephon231
Rahxephon231
9 years ago

Heartiste? More like Fartiste. Just thought I’d be petty. It’s fair when the guy’s a douchebag who uses phrases like “behavioral modification egg assault”. Douche. Dooooooooooouche.

Nobinayamu
Nobinayamu
9 years ago

An army of women welcome Roissy’s various Sado-cruelties every month, and the more they wail in pain, the more they want him.

According to whom? Roissy?

I think this guy has the greatest racket going evah! Seriously. All he does is tell a bunch of ostensibly lonely and possibly socially inept guys that they will never be able to be with a woman to whom they are mutually attracted and have a satisfying sex life or pleasant relationship.

And these guys eat it up. Unbelievable.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Twenty minutes is really a very moderate amount of cuddling. It’s not a cuddleRAMA until you’ve cuddled your way through a two-hour movie, at least.

Then again, I have a boyfriend who actually likes cuddles more than sex (omg beta!!!1!1!!), so my cuddle standards are high.

Major Kong
Major Kong
9 years ago

I’m sure this has been pointed out before, but “alpha” and “beta” are lupine behaviors. Humans are primates. Completely unrelated.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Wolves don’t actually do the alpha-beta thing either.

Maybe they should be calling themselves “silverbacks”?

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

Antz is awfully gullible, isn’t he?

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

“I think this guy has the greatest racket going evah!”

No argument here.

He takes advantage of men (financially), and is no friend of the MRM. He takes advantage of women (sexually), and you dont like him either.

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

“Silverbacks”

A damn fine name. Catchy, with a double-meaning twist to it. Why are you giving those people ideas?

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@ithiliana

If it’s the TRUTH, then no doubt you can easily supply the fucking citation needed.

Roissy says he fucks an army of women because women are stupid. AntZ thinks women are stupid. Ergo Roissy must be fuckin an army of women.

Bostonian
9 years ago

These people are unable to have ideas. Seriously these PUA dudes are dumber than the average rock.

Also, if Roissy has been within 10 feet of a woman who actually wanted to have sex with him, he would not write about it the way he does. He does not even have a basic grasp of how sex works, going by his writing.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

My theory is that Roissy is so fixated on “puckering assholes” because they closely resemble the facial expression that most women make when he attempts to converse with them.

Amused
9 years ago

An army of women welcome Roissy’s various Sado-cruelties every month, and the more they wail in pain, the more they want him.

Oh really? Says who? A man whose “exploits” sound like the fantasies of a frustrated adolescent whose only sex partner is his sweaty hand? Got any names, faces for these women? Because you know, the “bigot” that I am, I am not prepared to take Roissy’s words at face value.

P.S.: Unless you mean an army of women all of whom are either inflatable or imaginary, in which case, I can’t fathom why you would be scratching your head.

ostara321
ostara321
9 years ago

two minute tenderly administered intimacy sessions scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls

Well gee, what woman could turn down a proposition for that? *eyeroll*

You know, this is just a working theory I have here, but it occurs to me that perhaps the ladies this guy is supposedly having lots of non-ovulation sex with very probably may prefer cuddlerama sessions over sex because he refers to it as two minutes of “scraping your peen against her dry vagina walls”.

pollydactyl
pollydactyl
9 years ago

What about all women who are on the pill and don’t ovulate at all?

ostara321
ostara321
9 years ago

Also, how exactly are these men supposed to know when a woman is or isn’t ovulating unless they’re already closely involved? Assuming of course, that stalking is off the table. I mean, it’s not like it’s common for ladies to have large calendars marked with their ovulation schedules posted in a number of readily visible spaces, or have a sign on their foreheads when they go out in public. I have a hard time figuring how this is really even at all helpful in the scenario where a guy may be trying to chat up a new lady. Even if his half-baked theories were accurate (and I’m not convinced), contrary to what some dudes may think, you can’t always tell when someone is on their period or not.

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
9 years ago

>>Twenty minutes is really a very moderate amount of cuddling.

Don’t you know that just around the tenth minute of cuddling, a guy’s balls fall off?

These people must be so much fun in bed… Unless they have a dysfunction that manifests itself by getting hard plus hot and bothered by thinking of the Lay Report you’re gonna write later for your PUA crew, I don’t even know how THEY find any pleasure in it, much less their partner.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

I always figured the “REAL MEN don’t cuddle” thing was just code for “REAL MEN don’t show any sort of fondness or emotional intimacy for their sexual partners, because that makes you vulnerable.” Which, if it’s correct, is a really sad way to think about a sexual relationship, and an even sadder way to think about a romantic one.

bekabot
bekabot
9 years ago

“Paging Heartiste:

Olivia Munn was kidding.

Silly bekabot, women don’t have a sense of humor!”

OK well, she was virtually kidding and utilizing* what passes in hot woman for a virtual sense of humor but she was doing it well enough to make people laugh. Outcome is everything. Results, results are what we want. The proof of the pudding, etc.

(“Virtual reality is real”—————Lori Singer)

*probably in order to maximize her fertility in some way

P.S. AZ, you have my permission to be eaten by the biggest scariest bodaciousest juiciest and most voracious lady spider evah, at your leisure and hers. Enjoy. Just remember that your thing is not everybody’s thing, and that not everybody is going to be into James and the Giant Peach the way you are. When others seem not fully to appreciate your brilliance, pray bear that in mind.

magdelyn c. prossii (@magdelyn)

What did you guys do to poor Qanan to make him quit his mod-ship and /r/mensrights and secure his blog?

Also, does anyone have any good quick diet tips. I’m getting chunkified, and I need to lose weight. Thanx in advance.

magdelyn c. prossii (@magdelyn)

…and furthermore, why does anyone take Roissy serioiusly. He’s a celibate jackass who actually does hate women.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

@ magdelyn

Want whatever strain of the flu I have? I’ve lost nearly 10 pounds in the last week. As to why people like Antz actually believe Roissy’s flights of fantasy about his imaginary sex life, I have no idea.

magdelyn c. prossii (@magdelyn)

The flu, eh? I might have to try it.

Xanthe
Xanthe
9 years ago

What did you guys do to poor Qanan to make him quit his mod-ship and /r/mensrights and secure his blog?

Precisely… nothing.

Which doesn’t seem to have stopped people from starting a nice little blamefest, it seems. Legolas-the-elf seems to think it’s all due to the day-before-yesterday’s MRA comics cavalcade thread.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Haha, the same guys who cheered for Register-Her and “Agent Orange” flip out if someone links their public, anonymous reddit account to their public, anonymous blog.

Hesster
9 years ago

Aside from the squicky stuff that’s already been mentioned…

From what I remember in high school, the ovaries are taking a vacation while a woman is on her period. They’re at work for a couple of weeks before menstruation starts. Once ovulation has occurred, they shut down while the body waits to see if the woman gets pregnant or not.

Then again, considering these morons seem to think women are an entirely different species, I guess it’s not surprising they know about as much about biology as they do about sex.

Wisteria
Wisteria
9 years ago

Holly, from that link that Xanthe posted, it sounds as if someone contacted Qanan’s employer and said that he accesses hate websites from his employee account.

FWIW, I think it’s wrong to contact someone’s employer. I don’t agree with his views, but I think it’s unfair to try to cause trouble for something like this. I had something similar happen to me when I was in grad school and even if you don’t get into trouble, it really affects how you behave onlline.

Question: What is SRS? I read the previous OP and comments and still couldn’t figure out what it stands for.

Xanthe
Xanthe
9 years ago

Wisteria, r/SRS is reddit’s Shit Reddit Says sub-reddit – a part of the website that picks out all of the bigoted crap on reddit and pokes fun at it. Apparently the next part of the conspiracy says that we at ManBoobz are entirely responsible for all of the entries on r/SRS which are mocking the r/MensRights sub-reddit. Oh, and ManBoobz is apparently also responsible for having exploded the Hindenburg 75 years ago. Oh, the huge manatee!!1!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

OK, that’s not acceptable. Nobody should be contacting anyone’s employers about what they do online. If someone is threatening to commit an actual crime, ie “I intend to kill X on Y date”, then maybe contact the police, but nobody should ever be trying to out someone to their boss, family, etc for their online activity. That’s completely unethical.

boomboom
boomboom
9 years ago

Shit just got real.

boomboom
boomboom
9 years ago

Regarding the post. There’s a guy on you tube that for years made chomsky/anarchist type videos and had quite a huge following. He then started in on feminism, and he lost droves of intelligent viewers. They would argue with him and I would read the exchanges and think well surely he’s seen the error of his ways. Nope. Months down the road he’s still persisting in it and it’s almost all he talks about now. He even came out as a PUA dating coach. Scores and scores of people thought it was a parody video…he had to be joking, right? Nope.

Anyway, he had this thing he would do talking about how men are “emotional tampons” for women. He does these amusing mental acrobatics to try and come up with some halfway plausible equivalent to the physical objectification that females experience. All he does is falsely equivocate. He also had this video up that he took down saying, “Well men are success objects, so BOO anyway, so there. Gotcha, what you gonna say now?”

That false equivocation had to be pointed out to him multiple times. I still don’t know if he’s got it yet. His name is mr1001nights if anyone is interested. I think I made really good points on his last two trainwreck videos, and he took them down, but who knows why.

So from him, I get this “emotional tampon” concept. Men are “emotional tampons” to women. I guess because no man really understands talking and sharing and stuff. It’s just an imposition on them, anything outside of sex or worship of his ego. He also is one for talking about the “friend zone” like it’s male abuse.

Flib
Flib
9 years ago

Behavioral modification egg assault? Sounds like this could be a new band name.

lowquacks
lowquacks
9 years ago

scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls

SEX HACK: If you and a sex partner have decided to have vaginal sex, but the partner with the vagina doesn’t feel wet despite wanting sex with you, you can use an artificial lubricant! Check it’s okay with the condoms you’re using first, if you’re using them.

lowquacks
lowquacks
9 years ago

See, I’ve figured it out. We can’t talk about enthusiastic consent and having sex that’s as awesome as possible for both people, but if they’re SEX HACKS you’re actually breaking the rules! Cheating the sex game!

lowquacks
lowquacks
9 years ago

LOWQUACKS’ SEX HACKS

It rhymes and everything.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

@magdelyn: it starts here,, if you want to read it by yourself. He wanted to exchange ozy for an MRA, talk about politic and bragged about painting. I think you should search your answers elsewhere.

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

Remember guys, twenty minute cuddleramas are a bad thing.

Yeah, 20 minutes is far too short for my satisfaction 🙁

Rutee Katreya
9 years ago

Christ, this guy hates his followers more than we do.

FWIW, I think it’s wrong to contact someone’s employer. I don’t agree with his views, but I think it’s unfair to try to cause trouble for something like this. I had something similar happen to me when I was in grad school and even if you don’t get into trouble, it really affects how you behave onlline.

Eh, he linked his own public name to his persona before. That kinda tells me he didn’t think it was that big a deal. Still, I am not happy with running to employers for anything less than the threat of violence.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

SEX HACK: If your sex weren’t two minutes of resentful “scraping,” your partner might want to have it more than twice a month.

Steph
9 years ago

Mags:

I found “stationary bike in front of the TV + Netflix subscription” to work super good!

LBT
LBT
9 years ago

Wowwwww.

If this is what straight men think sex is like, it’s no wonder there’s such misery in the world! I’ve been on ace groups and seen less revulsion towards sex.

–Rogan

mamram
mamram
9 years ago

If someone is threatening to commit an actual crime, ie “I intend to kill X on Y date”, then maybe contact the police, but nobody should ever be trying to out someone to their boss, family, etc for their online activity. That’s completely unethical.

I find myself unlurking whenever this topic comes up, because this sentiment (to me) basically tells people who are the targets of internet harassment that they are obligated to protect the privacy of their harassers, and that they can’t do anything about it. When I was a teenager, I received a number of anonymous harassing public messages online. They weren’t threatening, but they were humiliating, and I’m sure you all know what kind of emotional effect something like that can have on a kid. I figured out who they were from (a creep in my social circle who resented me for not giving him the attention he thought he deserved just for existing) and (being a teenager) I told all of our mutual friends. He ended up being the one who was humiliated, and he never bothered me again. Outing him was the only way I had to take control of the situation, and I’m glad I did it.

I don’t think my situation was unique in this respect; I can think of a number of situations where outing would be the only option a victim has, other than meekly accepting harassment or threats. So I’m curious: why do people think this response is unethical?

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

@mamram: I don’t know who outed him to his employer, but if it was someone here (which I really hope it wasn’t, guys :-S) it doesn’t look like there was any kind of harrassment going on, unless it was in PMs or something or he said some cruel things on another site. That sets this situation apart from yours. Sorry that happened, by the way.

@Rogan, luckily the straight guys worth keeping have (or are willing to develop) much better attitudes towards sex! I love my straight guy. I’m getting ready to go to his place for a cuddle date right now!

pillowinhell
9 years ago

It works both ways wgen it comes to bullying. A fair number of bullies are also being bullied. There’s always someone bigger and more vicious around.

pillowinhell
9 years ago

Wow..spiders and blood sucking flies. Um…can we at least keep the comparisons of evolutionary tactics within the mammalian groups please? Also, keep some perspective dudes! Evolution is but one small factor in mate selection. Nurture and culture are far bigger factors and probably more helpful if you’re looking to resolve problems. A few million years of evolution isn’t something you can just work around.

kiki
kiki
9 years ago

It’s probably not intentional, but I can’t get past the “Betamax” in “Betamaxipad.”

Betamax iPad!

Otherwise known as Android?

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

@pillowhell: at least spider is a change from (fantasy) wolves.

Wisteria
Wisteria
9 years ago

Xanthe, thanks for defining SRS for me. I should have been able to figure it out but I kept trying to figure out what radical feminist site it was referring to.

mamram, I think you were definitely within your rights to out that harasser. I agree that victims shouldn’t have to protect their bullies. But it sounds as if Qanan wasn’t harassing anyone, just made posts, commented, and had a website.

I have to admit that there are times when I wonder how the women in certain people’s lives would feel if they knew of the comments or posts they make, but that’s really none of my business as long as they’re not threatening anyone.

Ithiliana
9 years ago

Coming in to +10000000000 on not sending info to employers (having been outed in the sense of having fan pseud identified with legal name, and threats made to send to my employer–although the hilarious thing was, the outer had the WRONG university posted, which eventually led to a friend I have there, years later, being asked by a friend of hers (all in fandom) if she knew me (which she did, from academic conferences). But that’s just wrong.

However, having been online harassed (by disgruntled colleague), I did report it to the university police, who (under new laws about online harassment) tracked dude down and brought the case (unfortunately, DA who was best buds with his lawyer, talked me into plea settlement by lying to me about it going on the record–turns out the plea, at the level of charge brought, meant his record was expunged in a year).

Online harassment and stalking is darn hard to get people to deal with, though they’re taken more seriously–and it’s frustrating. I’m somewhat surprised nobody’s (apparently?) reported Register.her (although I also know that if somebody has, they would not be talking about it, at advice of the police).

Ithiliana
9 years ago

Kiki: AHAHAHA! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my new Droid!

mamram
mamram
9 years ago

Sorry that happened, by the way.

Thanks, Viscaria. Oddly, I’m not sorry it happened. It held valuable lessons for teenage me: that I don’t have to stand for that shit if I don’t want to and that I don’t have to be nice to everyone all the time. There are definitely worse ways for a teenage girl to learn those things.