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Betamaxipad

He is totally going to score.

Beta males! Do you want to score with the pretty ladies? The Heartiste formerly known as Roissy has a suggestion for you: figure out when your favorite pretty lady is having cotton pony rodeo time – sorry,  her period — and make your move then! Apparently, according to SCIENCE, that’s when the pretty ladies will be most receptive to your pathetic, hamhanded beta advances.

Let’s let the master explain:

[D]uring the three weeks a woman is not ovulating (and especially during her menstruation) her desire is shifted toward beta provider males. … To put this in the simplest terms possible, a woman who is hot enough to bang greater alphas will subconsciously gravitate to lesser alphas as her ovaries power down for three weeks. A plain jane who makes herself receptive to greater betas when ovulating will subconsciously begin to warm to the attentions of lesser betas reading her poetry after her hormones stabilize post-ovulation.

But fellas, don’t actually expect her to stoop to having sex with the likes of you.

I don’t mean she is suddenly going to be attracted to the opposite of the alpha males she craves when egging out. Instead, I mean she will become more indulgent of men who are somewhat more beta than the last alpha male she banged, or wished to bang, when she was ovulating. …

[B]eta males are not going to suddenly see action for three weeks with the women who aren’t ovulating. What they might see is more receptiveness — more openness — to their sloppy, guileless flirtations from those women.

And if by some weird miracle you beta dudes are actually dating a woman, Heartiste is a little more optimistic for you:

[E]njoy your two or three tepid bangs during the three weeks you are reasonably safe from the depredations of your sweet girlfriend’s behavioral modification egg assault and any interloper alpha males who might be conveniently available to her. No, you won’t ever get her to scream “choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you” like Olivia Munn, but at least you get to wrap up your two minute tenderly administered intimacy sessions scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls with twenty minute cuddleramas and a bloated chickflix queue.

Oy. I can’t really keep up the sarcasm after that. I just feel bad that the genuinely charming and hilarious Olivia Munn (no sarcasm here) has been pulled into Heartiste’s strange fantasy world.

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Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

If it’s her cotton pony time, she definitely won’t have a dry vagina. Do you need a diagram?

Also, this guy wants to sleep with women why? He doesn’t seem to physically enjoy it (“scraping”? auuugh) and I’m pretty sure “sharing something wonderful with someone I want to be close to” is right the hell off the table.

Bostonian
9 years ago

Geez, has this guy ever actually had sex with someone who wanted to, ever?

Polliwog
Polliwog
9 years ago

You know, I have to wonder why so many women who are trying to conceive take great pains to carefully track their cycles and figure out when they’re ovulating. It would seem like “the days when I’m flinging myself in desperation at any nearby guys who look kinda like Brad Pitt, despite not actually finding Brad Pitt attractive” would be pretty easy to recognize! Because that is totally a thing all women do!

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

“choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you”
I’m pretty sure BF would be scared if I did say that.

MissPrism
MissPrism
9 years ago

He wants to have sex with women because to him, that means they lose.
I’d almost pity him for this worldview if it weren’t so hateful, ignorant, smug, baseless and self-inflicted.

MollyRen (@MollyRen)
9 years ago

Also, this guy wants to sleep with women why?

I don’t think this is so much “Why does Roissy want to sleep with women” as a chance for Roissy to be a jerk to everyone that *isn’t* him.

Wait… is he negging all the betas? This could have strange implications… o.O

Phoebe Fay
Phoebe Fay
9 years ago

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea of my ovaries “powering down” for three weeks. Also, egging out? What, are we chickens now?

And why the need for a “lubricated pussy” when the fantasy is all about anal?

Methinks dude doesn’t know a whole lot about non-inflatable lady parts.

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
9 years ago

That dude’s chances are still probably better than this guy

http://www.theginblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/tampon-ninja.jpg

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
9 years ago

^ Incredibly NSFW, I should add.

Polliwog
Polliwog
9 years ago

I’m pretty sure BF would be scared if I did say that.

Seriously. My boyfriend very much loves dirty talk, but I’m fairly certain if I started going on about “bleeding tears of exquisite pain” from his “divine cock” his reaction would be less “that’s hot” and more “…what the fuck are you talking about?”

Also, I’m kind of horrified by the “plunging” into a “tight puckered asshole.” That sounds like basically the worst anal sex ever for both partners!

Medium Dave
9 years ago

He wants to have sex with women because to him, that means they lose.

Yep! The self-loathing that lies just beneath Roissy’s bravado is definitely showing here.

johnnykaje
9 years ago

Women are more likely to humor lowly betas while on the rag?

But I thought women turned into raging bloated war manatees when on their period.

STEREOTYPE PARADOX

Bostonian
9 years ago

I am also the vanilla-est of all vanilla people, but even I know that unlubricated anal intercourse is not happy funtime for either partner. Has this guy ever had sex at all? Because every time he writes about it, it reads somewhat like an alien’s idea of sex, taken solely from poorly written fanfic.

darksidecat
9 years ago

No, you won’t ever get her to scream “choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you” like Olivia Munn

I wasn’t aware Olivia Munn was into hardcore SM subbing…or that the majority of women are…

/sarcasm

Also, they make lube, for fucks sake, and if you suck in bed, that is not likely your lover’s fault. Maybe try some foreplay instead?

bekabot
bekabot
9 years ago

Paging Heartiste:

Olivia Munn was kidding.

Reinforcements
Reinforcements
9 years ago

All the admittedly much bigger issues with this nonsense aside, it wouldn’t even be useful advice if it were true.

“Women might be slightly more attracted to you 75% of the time! Not that you can tell when that is!”

Gee, thanks. Wait, this is just an excuse to claim that the women you’re hitting on must be ovulating if they turn you down, isn’t it?

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

Paging Heartiste:

Olivia Munn was kidding.

Silly bekabot, women don’t have a sense of humor!

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

My vanilla ass wouldn’t even know how to fulfill that request. I’d probably just slip back into my clothes and leave the room with neither a whimper nor a bang

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
9 years ago

I am also the vanilla-est of all vanilla people, but even I know that unlubricated anal intercourse is not happy funtime for either partner. Has this guy ever had sex at all? Because every time he writes about it, it reads somewhat like an alien’s idea of sex, taken solely from poorly written fanfic.

Maybe some of the PUA guys think porn is an accurate portrayal of sex. That’s why they think it’s better to do anal without lube, or believe that people shouldn’t gag when giving deep throat fellatio. Porn is about sexual fantasies, not an instructional manual.

Also, egging out? It makes me think of Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2. I can tell when I’m ovulating, but it’s only a subtle difference from any other time in my cycle. I do have a higher libido during ovulation, but I don’t act like what Roissy described. Then again, how should I know about ovulation, something I experience every month? I should just trust Roissy knows about this better than I know my own body. /sarcasm

shaenon
9 years ago

Geez, has this guy ever actually had sex with someone who wanted to, ever?

I imagine he’s had exactly as much sex as the guy in the previous thread who thinks he can hurt a woman’s feelings by telling her his penis is bigger than hers.

Cotton Pony Wrangler
Cotton Pony Wrangler
9 years ago

Maybe some of the PUA guys think porn is an accurate portrayal of sex.

Gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that for most men in the PUA world, porn is the only sex they’re having.

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

Can we stop this ridiculous myth that a lubricated vagina is something a woman owes her studley man, and if she doesn’t come through then she’s frigid or will only get wet for someone “alpha”er than you, the hypergamous slut? Vaginal lubrication is not something under the control of the person with the vagina. If your partner isn’t very wet, the most likely reason is that zie’s not all that turned on yet, so maybe you can do some of the things that zie likes before you dive right into your own favourite thing and blame hir for not “getting ready” for you.

Of course, that’s not the only explanation. The level of lubrication varies person-to-person and can vary for a single person for reasons other than level of arousal. You both really really want to have some PIV and it’s not comfortable at the moment for one or both of you? Jesus fuck, that is what lube is for!* Don’t just go ahead, have a not sexy and potentially painful time, and then blame the vagina haver for having a vagina wrong.

*Among other things.

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

Did anyone notice the “donate” button prominently pan-handling for money (all credit cards accepted)? I can’t tell if Heartiste thinks he is selling comedy or genius. Clearly, he has neither!

Getting past Heartiste’s inadequacies ..

Heartiste’s theory is actually well supported. Darwin created the problem by conflating different female reproductive strategies, arguing that “as far as selection is concerned, all that is required is that choice should be exerted before the parents unite.”

The inadequacy of this model was increasingly apparent during the 60’s and 70’s, leading to numerous scholarly studies. By the 90’s there was broad consensus that women have very different strategies for pair bonding and reproduction:

*The pair bonding strategy is driven by the long term willingness of a man to provide and protect a women
* The reproductive strategy is driven by the immediate opportunity to dip into the genetic pool of a very fit or high status male

William G Eberhard identifies “cryptic” (or hidden) behaviour as the essential element that separates these strategies, saying “.. such discrimination is ‘cryptic’ in the sense that it is a hidden, or internal decision made by a female after the more obvious decision to copulate ..”
— “Female control: sexual selection by cryptic female choice”, William G Eberhard.

Most people think of infidelity as the most obvious way female cryptic ploy, but the specific ovulation strategy outlined by Heartiste is well known also:

— “Sexual selection, paternal care, and concealed ovulation in humans”, Ethology and Sociobiology, Volume 2, Issue 1, 1981, Pages 31–40.

Sorry ladies, but naughty is in your genes!

Viscaria
Viscaria
9 years ago

I just… ugh, I don’t know, the whole “dry vagina as insult” thing really gets to me. It’s like, a cis lady’s levels of arousal are important only in terms of how they benefit the cis dude in bed with her. It’s kind of like the idea that a woman having multiple orgasms isn’t worth celebrating because lots of pleasure, yay! It’s worth celebrating because oh my god, you’re such a fucking machine, how many times did you make her come? Fucking baller, dude!

pillowinhell
9 years ago

Everytime I read Roisseys shit, it springs to mind that he must have been one of those really unfortunate guys who got the crap kicked out of him every day in school. The guy who never measured up in anyones eyes. I can’t sympathize with him…but if I could get over my revulsion with what he says I could almost pity him.

theLaplaceDemon
theLaplaceDemon
9 years ago

Hey Anthony Zarat, explain to me how a gene works.

MissPrism
MissPrism
9 years ago

Hmm. I haven’t read anything of Roissy’s beyond what I’ve come across here, but if someone shows nastiness of this order, I’m more likely to suspect they were a bully than that they were bullied.

Kyrie
Kyrie
9 years ago

“I’m more likely to suspect they were a bully than that they were bullied.”

You can be both.

MissPrism
MissPrism
9 years ago

Of course you can. But saying “I bet he was bullied at school” instead of “I bet he bullied other kids in school” as a direct response to cruel, shitty behaviour strikes me as the less logical of the two statements.

shaenon
9 years ago

So there’s “broad consensus” that human women all have this specific sexual strategy…but the only scientist you cite is an arachnologist.

Holy crap, I just realized the communication problems we’ve been having with MRAs! Whenever they complain about “women” or “females,” they’re talking about female spiders! This explains everything! Especially all the parts where they’re terrified of being devoured by giant women to provide sustenance to their newly fertilized eggs!

Kyn
Kyn
9 years ago

AntZ, you can’t possibly have overlooked the fact that Eberhard’s actual research on this “cryptic female choice” theory was on spiders and tsetse flies. No one is that fucking stupid.

Falconer
Falconer
9 years ago

I think I’m hung up on the title.

It’s probably not intentional, but I can’t get past the “Betamax” in “Betamaxipad.”

What do you have against Sony, Futrelle?!

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Viscaria – For serious! My vagina-juice glands are involuntary; they’re not good things to pin your ego on.

The worst is some guys are offended when women want to use lube because “I should get you wet enough,” and then they make their partners have dry sex to prove their adequacy. 🙁

Kyn
Kyn
9 years ago

Ninja’d by shaenon! And yet, somehow, life goes on. :>

My lack of surprise: behold it. This happens every time someone starts spouting off pop evo-psych bullshit… as soon as they reference an actual researcher, study, or institution, it turns out to be about cichlids or gerbils or basidiomycetes or something.

This is why 93% of evo psych assertions on message boards are entirely unsupported, based on my independent internet research.

MissPrism
MissPrism
9 years ago

Spider sex is really interesting. Now, a spider MRA movement I might be able to get behind. Just *imagine* what Antz would say if humans had sexual cannibalism.

MissPrism
MissPrism
9 years ago

“That Her Holy Highness female is just going to spit on me and kill and eat me and her spermathecae are probably all full of some alphaFUCK’s sperm anyway”

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

“So there’s “broad consensus” that human women all have this specific sexual strategy…but the only scientist you cite is an arachnologist.”

I thought it was rather clever ..

elusis
9 years ago

Shouldn’t this be a massive advantage for betas, given that it saves them from being entrapped by some lady who only wants their man-batter in order to pop out some crotch fruit and stick them with the bill?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

*sigh* The day random youtube clips stop being perfect responses will be a sad day indeed.

raspberryberet13
9 years ago

@Antz: I thought it was rather clever ..[sic]

Well, that explains a lot!

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
9 years ago

Clearly he thinks women are the Borg.

Shadow
Shadow
9 years ago

@kirbywarp

Truly

I thought it was rather clever

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
9 years ago

“No, you won’t ever get her to scream “choke the living shit out of me and plunge your divine cock into my tight puckered asshole as far as it’ll go until I’m bleeding tears of exquisite pain ps I saved my incredibly lubricated pussy all for you” like Olivia Munn, but at least you get to wrap up your two minute tenderly administered intimacy sessions scraping your beta peen along her dry vagina walls with twenty minute cuddleramas and a bloated chickflix queue.”

(Blinks)

OK, so, let your kink flag fly and all, if that’s what Roissy is into then that’s his business, but he is aware that most women are, shall we say, unlikely to share his idea of what great sex looks like? Most men too, actually.

And yeah, the more of his writing about sex I read the more I suspect that he hasn’t actually had very much sex in his life, at least not with partners who were willing or remotely enthusiastic. If you raised a child in a glass bubble and played them hardcore porn on constant loop, but didn’t ever allow them to interact with other humans, the theories that child came up with about women might kind of sound like Roissy.

Anthony Zarat
9 years ago

Lol, Roissy is an asshat, that much is true. But why do you deny the truth? An army of women welcome Roissy’s various Sado-cruelties every month, and the more they wail in pain, the more they want him. I scratch my head about it sometiems, when I am not busy with something important.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Ok, this is a little bit tangential, but I was looking for more snarky youtube clips when I ran across this:

I do not know what I have found, but I think I like it.

Ithiliana
9 years ago

@Antz: But why do you deny the truth? An army of women welcome Roissy’s various Sado-cruelties every month,

If it’s the TRUTH, then no doubt you can easily supply the fucking citation needed.

Army? What size army? And where are the links showing how many women yearn after him (online OR offline)?

Bostonian
9 years ago

AZ, I’m pretty sure the Roissy army exists only in his imagination. No one who writes about sex that way could be telling the truth.

I realize that will put you more on his side. Now you have a new VR buddy!

katz
9 years ago

Remember guys, twenty minute cuddleramas are a bad thing.

beshemoth
9 years ago

longtime reader, very occasional poster, and hopefully not tmi

and also trigger warning

word on the lubrication thing – it is not necessarily an ‘under control of the vagina holder’ effect. Personal experience only, but every time I’ve had someone being way, *way* too rough, and they won’t stop when I say things like ow, and, no, and, stop it hurts, they’ve probably considered it to be some sort of proof that I really did ‘want’ it because I’ve been as lubricated as *anything* but in fact I suspect it to be a damage-limitation mechanism, because I wasn’t enjoying it *at all*. And was terrified and in pain. (I cannot do html, hence asterisks, my bad).

cheerier note:

I don;t know how much actual scientific investigation has been done, but could it be in some cases it’s akin to the inflammation response (except kinda more useful, because I don’t know about everyone else, but if I bite my tongue by accident and it swell up, I am more likely to… bite my tongue again?)

(I have recently become astoundingly bad at internet conversations for some reason, is there a word for it?)

Anyway, loving everybody’s work, all the best! 🙂

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