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“It must be cotton pony rodeo time,” and other incredibly brilliant insults that will totally make the ladies cry.

This one is also hilarious.

In the war of ideas, it is important to be well-armed. And that’s why one brave antifeminist warrior named Roy Scott Movrich has supplied his fellow warriors with some potent verbal ammunition, a full clip of misogynist insults designed to reduce all women in the immediate area to blubbering tears.

As Roy explains:

Feminists have gotten away with shaming language for too long. Far too long.

Its time we got our own back.

And since women in general have not stood up to defend men, it stands that all women are tarred with the same brush. Therefore ALL women are to be denigrated equally.

Fair’s fair.

Here are a choice sampling of insults to deride women with.

Try them and see. I did. And watch their ordure (translation: s**t) hit the roof!

A few of Roy’s insults are borrowed from literature (mostly from Shakespeare), but most of them are originals. In a manner of speaking.

He starts out with a puzzler:

Your’s is even smaller than mine.

Presumably he is suggesting that cis women/feminists have some sort of symbolic penis, and that this symbolic penis of theirs is smaller than his non-symbolic penis

He continues on with several other comments in this vein:

It’ll be way bigger than anything you’ll ever have.

The one you try to have is even smaller than mine.

And of course this classic:

Mine isn’t too small, your cooch is too wide/large/loose.

Then we get some vibrator-shaming:

Oooh! Bad mood! Did you run out of batteries?

And some wildly unoriginal negs:

You sound really old.

You don’t look your age. [Pause] You look [longer pause] old.

You look good enough to be my great-great grandmother.

This one might not be terribly successful with total strangers:

You were/are a lousy lover.

And then it’s back to the vagina:

You must be having constant periods.

It must be cotton pony rodeo time huh?

Note to self: Find out if anyone in the history of the world has ever referred to a woman’s period as “cotton pony rodeo time.”

Then on to cats, spinster-shaming, and general unpleasantness:

Did one of your cats just die?

You must not be married yet.

Can’t have kids huh?

There’s nothing a woman can do for me that my right hand can’t do better.

Even dung beetles are higher than women and feminists.

And back to the vagina again:

You obviously have one of those super large and deep ginas a man has to strap a plank to his back to prevent him falling into.

Note to self: Find out if there is anyone who refers to vaginas as “ginas” who is not a misogynist asscrack.

If you need more, Roy suggests that you can basically go with

[a]nything that implies her plumbing isn’t clean, has diseases or a foul smell.

After delivering this list (and some Shakespeare quotes), Roy somewhat confusingly concludes that insulting women is actually a waste of time:

[A]t the end of the day, given that women are devoid of logic and wit, using such choice insults is wanton waste.

Better to ignore them completely.

And since modern women, with their over-inflated sense of entitlement cannot abide being ignored, this is just as dramatic and effective as any insult.

In other words, the chance that Roy has ever used any of these insults in a conversation with a woman is roughly zero.

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Joanna
12 years ago

A kid on the internet try to insult me by calling me gay. I was like, “dude, no one over the age of 15 finds that insulting.”

LBT
LBT
12 years ago

Your’s is even smaller than mine.

…this should upset me, WHY? If I’m happy with it, that’s pretty much the end of the conversation, isn’t it?

I also feel very lucky that the only people who have ever told me to “smile” are those kinda jerkass customers at work who missed the gender memo. Thank god I don’t run the front desk…

Kavette
Kavette
12 years ago

I really dislike the random guy asking me to smile thing. I’m a pretty happy person in general but not when I’m being looked over by random guy.

I’ve dealt with the end of life twice with parents, and numerous times with friends parents and one thing I know is these guys will not go out graciously. I know it’s hard to imagine when you’re young but what happens to you when you can’t take care of yourself is something that most people have to deal with, unless you’re lucky enough to have a sudden death.

These guys see the odds of marriage and family as being stacked against them, I think that’s a hoot.

What are the odds that they will be elderly (normally thats a number of years), then die a slow and painful death with no one to take care of them? Pretty much 100%.

I know it’s mean but I like to picture them with no filter spouting their venom to their nurses in a state facility, I don’t like to picture them being dead until the smell hits the other tenants but I know that’s also a strong possibility.

You don’t need to marry or have kids for this to not happen to you, but you do have to have strong connections with other humans in real life, which obviously these boys are lacking.

Joanna
12 years ago

“Your’s is even smaller than mine.”

My what is smaller than yours? O.o I really hope this doesn’t refer to anatomy.

gem
gem
12 years ago

@Falconer, thank you for the sympathy about my cat, and I hope that the ginger tabby comes home safely and soon to your mother-in-law.

blitzgal
12 years ago

My what is smaller than yours? O.o I really hope this doesn’t refer to anatomy.

The only comparable thing is our genitalia, and I thought we’ve already established with the OTHER handy insults he provides that we’re supposed to WANT ours to be small…

shaenon
12 years ago

See, this is what we mean when we talk about male privilege. That a guy could share these unoriginal, half-assed insults, into which he clearly invested no love or effort, and pat himself on the back for a job well done… Frankly, as someone who works hard at her rudeness, I find the only real insult is his laziness.

Falconer
12 years ago

@gem: You’re very welcome.

KathleenB
KathleenB
12 years ago

Kirby: I actually had a ten week period once, but it was a particularly unpleasant side effect of the bc I was on at the time. It was a miserable month and a half, because I had ALL the fun of my usual four or five day period (cramps, achey back, CRAMPS), stretched out over many weeks.

KathleenB
KathleenB
12 years ago

Lauralot: OMG, I’ve had a TARDIS between my legs all this time?! That is somehow both awesome and disturbing…

Viscaria
Viscaria
12 years ago

@KathleenB: After she had her second kid (me!) and before she had her hysterectomy, my mom was in an 18 days on, 10-12 days off schedule :-/. Given that they told my grandma to stop having kids and get a hysterectomy after her first two (she ignored them and had 3 more, but had the operation after that) and given that my mom’s only sister needed a hysterectomy after two kids, I feel like I can peer into the crystal ball and see my future pretty clearly.

smhll
smhll
12 years ago

There’s nothing a woman can do for me that my right hand can’t do better.

Since he apparently really enjoys angering women, I’m having a bit of fun trying to imagine the things he has to say to make his right hand angry enough to start talking back to him…

Polliwog
Polliwog
12 years ago

Helpful memo to dumb misogynists: when you try to insult women by claiming that their vaginas are “super large and deep,” or that they “must be having constant periods,” the actual message you are conveying is not “you should be insulted” but rather “I have little to no experience with female genitalia.” Which is fine in itself, but I get the impression that it’s not exactly the message you’re going for.

Shaun Day
12 years ago

KathleenB, that is so much more common than people realize. And so dangerous. And I hate how doctors don’t listen to “I am constantly bleeding” without responding “It’s normal to have some spotting”. How are you now?

Cotton Pony Wrangler
Cotton Pony Wrangler
12 years ago

In other words, the chance that Roy has ever used any of these insults in a conversation with a woman is roughly zero.

The chance that Roy has ever had a conversation with a woman that did not consist of stammering and staring at the ground is effectively zero. I mean, you can see what he means by “a carefully cultivated manner.

What’s fascinating (in a trainwreck way, not in an actual edifying way) is how obviously and helplessly insecure the “jokers” are, as opposed to the snarling ones like Paul Elam. Those men’s insecurities are buried under layers of self-hatred, but guys like Roy and the “comic artists” have to know – somewhere in their hearts, that small, still voice they try to ignore – that they are outing themselves as sad little men. And that makes me feel… well not sympathy, exactly, but a species of pity.

This is the most stilted sentence I have read outside of a Mary Worth strip.

Or maybe a Mark Trail strip. Josh is my hero.

katz
12 years ago

So big vaginas are a bad thing? Is that just based on the assumption that if something is insulting to a guy, the exact inverse will be insulting to a woman?

Noadi
12 years ago

Your’s is even smaller than mine.

No, in fact mine come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes and never get soft.

Joanna
12 years ago

@Katz: The term “hotdog down a hallway” could be insulting to either =P

Kendra, the bionic mommy
Kendra, the bionic mommy
12 years ago

I can’t stand the smile thing either. I’ll be at the grocery store and some random guy will say “Smile, baby!”. Why do they do that and why do they care if I’m smiling? Is it a generational thing? I’ve noticed the men who do this are almost always baby boomers or older.

Lu
Lu
12 years ago

The “modern one-liners” are either not even insults or they’re totally unimaginative “look what a big meanie I am” insults. Third-grader style.

Besides:
“Did one of your cats just die?”
What if she answers “Yes, I’m so sad, I loved him/her.”
Still proud what a big meanie you are?

Lu
Lu
12 years ago

@Noadi: Oh yes.
And I use them to fuck my boyfriend’s ass. Sometimes other men’s, too. Fancy a ride?
That should get you rid of them, maximum speed.

What’s this guy have with dung beetles, anyway? They used to be worshipped as gods!

Noadi
12 years ago

I would have to burn any I used on a guy like that and silicone toys are expensive.

LBT
LBT
12 years ago

Yeah, plus they just kinda melt and sizzle and smell bad. You don’t want that!

Lu
Lu
12 years ago

Well, I didn’ suggest you actually do it. Why spoil a perfectly good toy?

@LBT: You’re talking about the dildos, not the MRAs, right? Because if you did, that would explain some things…

CommonNonsense
CommonNonsense
12 years ago

Man, dudes usually just ignore me. Why haven’t I yet had the honor of receiving one of these witty masterpieces of insult?

I want to see them crash and burn when they realize that I am really, really not concerned about the size of my vagina. :C