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Do you want semen on that? How Law & Order: SVU imperils innocent penises

That's a LOT of semen.

TV detectives pore over semen stains, and find evidence of crimes. Over on A Voice for Men, B.R. Merrick pores over TV detectives poring over semen stains, and finds evidence of “anti-man mentality.” On Law & Order: SVU, he says,

Every time I chanced upon seeing a bit of it, someone somewhere said “semen.”

You know the show focuses on sex crimes, right? When you’re investigating sex crimes, I’d say the chances are pretty good you’re going to run across some semen from time to time.

This is a show that has been on the air for more than a decade, a spin-off from another program more than two decades long, dedicated to entertaining millions of Americans every week using salacious, graphic language about terrible crimes.  Semen.  Semen stains.  Semen samples.  Semen on a dead body.  Crime.  Law, order, crime, and semen.

Spam, eggs, bacon, semen and spam. Spam, spam, bacon, semen, and spam. Semen, semen, spam eggs sausage and semen.

Sorry, I got distracted.

Semen is disgusting, if I am to conclude anything from watching this program.  How is it that a show that continually mentions semen in connection with horrific crime can remain so popular for over a decade? 

Christopher Melonimania? No, nothing so straightforward as that. Clearly what we’re dealing with is anti-semen propaganda of the sneakiest sort.

Millions watch, but virtually no one notices.  It is as if the ejaculation of semen is something that the world puts up with but secretly detests.  Since only men make semen; since it is usually voluntarily ejaculated except for certain cases of rape and nocturnal emissions; and since the voluntary giving of this life-giving substance is usually frequent; what are men supposed to think if the culture embraces mainstream entertainment that virtually equates semen with crime?

If semen is outlawed only outlaws will produce semen?

The conclusions we are supposed to draw seem pretty obvious to me: Women and sexless children are the victims of semen, the victims of men.  Men are too quick to indulge their semen-connected desires.  Pornography is directly connected to men, semen, and the oftentimes unavoidable crimes that result. 

So jerking off into a sock has been criminalized?

Once you indulge a penis, all bets are off.  Unless, of course, he’s been thoroughly trained.

Penises can be trained? Really? I’ve had very little luck training mine.

Men who are raised not to take their feelings seriously will probably feel a little tinge that is quickly ignored when semen is mentioned in a silly television program.  Men who are used to being teased will grin along with the giggling girls who laugh at a man whose penis is not only severed, but shredded in a garbage disposal, so that he can spend the last several decades of his life without one. 

So Law & Order: SVU is secretly preparing men for a dystopian future in which all untrained penises will all be shredded in garbage disposals?

Stay tuned, I guess.

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Holly Pervocracy
Holly Pervocracy
12 years ago

I don’t watch SVU because there’s something creepy, upsetting, and ultimately boring about a show that more or less promises “a rape in every episode!”

Holly Pervocracy
Holly Pervocracy
12 years ago

Kendra – “Misogynist” is a terrible, cruel, shaming word to apply to a person who merely happens to hate women.

Karalora
12 years ago

I guess this mean’s crime shows have been belittling women for decades now. No, not by using sexualized violence against women to titillate, or by systematically portraying women as helpless/hysterical victims and men as their powerful protectors/avengers, but by all the references to blood in connection with crime scenes. Because that creates a negative attitude toward menstrual blood in the minds of the audience, and by extension paints women negatively.

Karalora
12 years ago

*means

lowquacks
lowquacks
12 years ago

http://www.darwineatscake.com/~darwin6/?id=88 is all I can possibly add here.

ozymandias42
ozymandias42
12 years ago

SVU is also known for all sorts of fail in covering people with alternate sexualities…

FelixBC
FelixBC
12 years ago

So, does anyone think there’ll be a time in the future when we look back and laugh* at all the shows that have rape as a major theme, every single episode? All those young women that are attacked during the opening credits, and end up sprawled in some dirty alley. And also deride all those comments at the end of an online story about a man being incarcerated and getting raped as some sort of well-deserved punishment? That’s horrific, and I’d like to think we can outgrow this.

*laugh = be really, really glad we don’t do that anymore, ’cause casual depictions of rape as an evening’s entertainment are just too disturbing.

Rape, not entertainment, and not a good form of punishment, for any crime.

shaenon
12 years ago

Isn’t “Law and Order: SVU” the show that feminists hate because of all the creepily sexualized violence against women, plus half the plots are about how the victim deserved it for being into some kind of kinky sex?

I just wasted ten minutes searching YouTube for a clip of Tobias Funke saying “hot seamen,” and I promise to get back to work.

Carrie
12 years ago

Penis-training can be done if you’re these guys: http://www.puppetryofthepenis.com/ (NSFW)

boxofcrates
boxofcrates
12 years ago

I’ve never watched any of the law and orders (laws and order?), because I’ve always had some issues with violence as entertainment. Not that it’s necessarily bad, just that I myself have trouble dealing with on-screen violence without getting stressed and angry and so on. I wouldn’t mind seeing a mystery show that dealt with, you know, crimes other than murder and rape.

Gah, that’s sort of off topic. I can’t think of any response to the actual post. Other than perhaps “huh.”

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
12 years ago

He has a point though. I mean it’s Law & Order:SVU for crying out loud! You’d think they’d spend atleast as much time on regicide as they do on rape!

i would for real watch a law and order spinoff that was all regicide all the time. someone get dick wolf on that.

Me too. Think of how much fun they could have with all those pre-Norman British kings who died of a surfeit of…whatever it was they died of surfeits of. (History was never my strong point.)

Law & Order: Surfeit Victims Unit!

Happy
Happy
12 years ago

@ Everyone

Sincere apologies. I was misinformed.

I’ll do more research before commenting in future. This apology extends to everyone on this board and to everyone reading, particularly those who have been abused in any way and to those who support them.

Shadow
Shadow
12 years ago

@Happy

‘Preciate it

darksidecat
darksidecat
12 years ago

Because if you scream fuck you enough, that totally negates evo psych.

To be fair though, screaming fuck you is about as good on an argument and as scientifically rigorous as most evo-psych.

Aloren
12 years ago

Personally and this my be affected by ne being asexual, but yeah I think semen is pretty um… (wrinkles nose) Well it’s not the most plesent substance.

Though I don’t think of my own bodily fluids like periods are all that great either.

The hateful retoric they have on how gross vaginas are and they want to complain because a crime show talks about semen?

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
12 years ago

Maybe they will have a Law and Order spin-off where the crime always involves women menstruating all over the crime scene.

Law and Order, Soaking Vagina Unit? It could happen.

Holly Pervocracy
Holly Pervocracy
12 years ago

I love how the Hugo Schwyzer/Tom Matlack things is being turned into “watch out: feminists eat their own!” instead of “watch out: feminists hold their own to standards other than ‘say you’re a feminist and then we’ll put up with literally anything’.”

Holly Pervocracy
Holly Pervocracy
12 years ago

I guess MRAs aren’t used to this whole “demanding a basic standard of behavior from people on your own side” thing.

eilish
eilish
12 years ago

Poor Dick Wolf. All that work puting an Evil Woman Who Is To Blame in his episodes of L&O, and the MR -ers don’t even notice.

dicipres
12 years ago

David: “dicipres, feminists also seem to like it when you don’t try to murder women.”

First, this seems to be a pretty relaxed criterion to liking someone. His past was known, and it didn’t seem to bother most feminists until he crossed them.

I am just saying, dude, be careful. Not because I’m worried about you, but because I want to point out to your readers that you cannot ever criticize any feminist, ever.

Feminists are not really better than MRAs, and maybe you are aware of it and forced to continue the charade.

Noadi
12 years ago

Aloren: How I feel about semen tends to be based on exactly how turned on I am. Really turned on: best thing in the world. Not turned on: ewww… feels sticky and slimy at the same time.

Bodily fluids are generally pretty gross unless you are in the right mindset. Think about saliva: your own saliva in your own mouth isn’t gross, another person’s saliva isn’t gross when kissing for people who like to kiss, but seeing someone spit on the sidewalk is pretty icky and the thought of someone spitting in your food is likely to make you lose your appetite.

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
12 years ago

Not because I’m worried about you, but because I want to point out to your readers that you cannot ever criticize any feminist, ever.

I disagree with many of the things Andrea Dworkin said.

There. I criticized a feminist. Lightning did not strike me dead.

(Looks out window anxiously)

Holly Pervocracy
Holly Pervocracy
12 years ago

David, watch out – When it becomes widely known that you attempted to murder a woman, the feminists might turn against you!

Or it might be as something as small as simply declaring that you hate and fear feminists!

Truly, fickle ones are we, cruelly holding men to consequences for actions!