At some point, you’ve probably all heard some douchebag offer some version of the following bit of misogynist humor: You shouldn’t call a woman a bitch because that’s an insult … to female dogs!
A traditionalist Christian named Walter Allen Thompson has expanded this dumb joke into an even dumber essay. And he seems to literally believe it. As he explains in the essay, which has been posted on the Very Dumb Government blog (and which I ran across thanks to a link from our pal MarkyMark):
[W]hen some of you call a woman a “bitch” think about what you are saying. The word “bitch” means a female dog. So if you are going to use the word with its true meaning, you would actually be insulting female dogs, because the dogs have better behavior than many women. … I would never insult my dog by calling Gloria Allred a “bitch”. … I would call her a feminist but not a bitch. The feminist movement has made many of our women unseemly wenches.
Walter clearly holds a much higher opinion of his dog:
I love my bitch and I don’t want to say anything to offend her. My bitch is sweet, my bitch is lovable, my bitch is kind, my bitch is considerate, and she hardly causes me any trouble.
And, and as we all know, ladies is trouble:
A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds. I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car.
I don’t know from dogs, but if my cat were actually capable of any of these things, she would do them. That’s part of the charm of cats. They’re tiny little monsters – selfish, self-absorbed, amoral creatures we let into our homes because they’re cute, they’re fascinating, and they’re too small to kill us. Not that mine doesn’t try.
I wouldn’t put up with that from a human being, but I put up with it from my cat because she’s a cat, and had a rough childhood (she was abandoned) and doesn’t know any better. Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.
Well, not this guy:
All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food. Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman. The value of any relationship depends upon unconditional love, and that’s more evident with my dog.
“Unconditional love” sounds nice in theory, but in practice as most of us know it’s really a pretty shitty idea. If someone behaves in a way that is unlovable – attacks you, deliberately poops on the couch, starts reading A Voice for Men — you’re not obligated to keep loving them. Loyalty is, by and large, a good thing, and most of us are willing to cut those we love a lot of slack, but no one should be expected to put up with intolerable behavior in the name of unconditional love. (Also, people sometimes fall out of love. I know, shocking.)
People demand a bit more from their loved ones than dogs do, and that’s a good thing. Also, people know things that dogs don’t, and that’s also good. Hitler’s dog loved him. But then again Hitler’s dog didn’t know he was Hitler. (Hitler returned this unconditional love by having poor Blondi killed just before he killed himself.)
Of course, our boy Walter knows that most love is not unconditional. Indeed, as we saw above, he’s got a long list of conditions — some reasonable, some not — that women will have to meet before he’ll be willing to even consider them over his dog. Here are some more of his conditions, which his dog fulfills but most women (in his mind) won’t:
She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives. My dog is my friend and not my adversary.
It’s a pretty revealing list. He’s upset not only by infidelity, but also by women changing their mind about things – “say[ing] yes today and no tomorrow.” (Saying “no” to what? Sex? Does he think he deserves the right to rape his wife?) His idea of a “perfect relationship” seems to be one in which he doesn’t have to deal with a woman’s wants, or desires, or even her relatives.
Walter rails against feminists and feminism, but it’s clear that he also has issues with traditional women actually expecting him to fulfill his role in a traditional male-breadwinner marriage.
If you want to know where you stand with a woman, just run out of money. If you have a woman that stays with you when you’re broke or in a setback, then you have a good one.
Here’s a hint: if you don’t want a woman to expect you to provide for her, don’t marry a woman who expects you to provide for her.
Also: try not feeding your dog for several days, and see how lovable she is after that. (Given the strange literal mindedness of so many misogynists, I should add: don’t literally do that. Just imagine doing it, in your head.)
If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least) rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog. Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.
No, that’s ok. Stick to dogs for now.
EDITED TO ADD: As Molly Ren points out in the comments, it turns out that some dogs do pole dance. Heck, some even lick the stripper pole, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. (Well, not exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.)
Holly, I think that feeds in to it for sure. I’ve never met a really sexist jerk who wasn’t tied to his mothers apron strings still. They might be men, but Mom’s still there in the background making everything run smoothly. Same goes for the occassional really sexist woman and her Dad.
Oh, and some sort of delay in developing a well functioning theory of mind. Kinda plays into cluelessness in so many situations.
I think the authorities would be wise to pay this man a visit to ensure that there is no sexual mistreatment of his animals going on.
I think the “theory of mind” stuff also plays into the pole dancing pressure!
“Watching her dance turns me on; therefore dancing must turn her on!”
Scar, there have been people who’ve tried to legally marry their dogs. So…it wasn’t just your mind that thought crossed.
Holly, theory of mind is something I guess we all stumble with at times… That being said, some folks are woefully underdeveloped towards certain groups of people. Personally, I’d be looking at the pole dancer and wondering if maybe they would like a nap afterwards!
If I ever get a Yorkie and teach it to poledance I will TOTALLY call it Elizabeth Barkley!
Both of my dogs like booze, Madeline probably more than Gus. And both would bankrupt me buying sausages if they had the chance. I don’t think dear Walter understands that dogs are *literally* incapable of taking themselves for manicures or filing for divorce.
But you know, maybe his dog really loves him. Because dogs have low standards like that.
This is offtopic, but as we at Manboobz are noted lovers of kitties, I would like to point out that Noah Brand’s kitty has very treatable cancer and that we are raising money to treat it. So, you know, if you have a little extra money, feel free to toss some the kitty’s way!
http://noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/help-save-this-cat/
@Quackers: You’ve hit the nail on the head with them. I can definitely see an immaturity since a lot of their demands often contradict with each other…
-They have a love’em and leave them attitude as well as often wanting their mate to be sexually dedicated to their needs, but then complain that women are sluts who are obsessed with sex.
-Complain about ugly women then get upset when women spend money on beauty products to make themselves more attractive.
-Call women shallow and lookist when they brag about only wanting women under the age of 25 or 30 at best. (A definite sign of Centerfold Syndrome.) Or get ultra-repulsed if she’s ever had sexual contact with a black man/men.
-Say how demanding American women are, but expect all non-American Asian women to be “respectful” and devoted to them.
-When an attractive women is dating an unattractive man, she is a vicious gold-digger who is using him. If she is unattractive and he’s good-looking, she must be manipulating him.with a child. If they’re both attractive then she’s some bitch who only wants alpha-males. And if they’re both ugly than she’s a repulsive, low-class cow. (Personally, I wonder who these “alpha-males” they’re bitching about are.)
-Think women are vicious and cruel but are giddy when they talk about women getting hurt or sick and wanting to hurt or humiliate them.
One of my boyfriend’s cats decided a few months ago that he likes me better than my boyfriend, and will climb all over him in order to get into my (evidently much superior) lap. This, despite the fact that the man has fed and loved and cared for them for almost 15 years, and I… pet them sometimes. And sneeze at them. Such disloyalty! Clearly, cats may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds.
They’ve both been having health problems that we think might be linked to diet, so boyfriend went out and bought some food that’s more than double the price of what he’d been feeding them before. They’ve turned their noses up at it*. No amount of their owner’s hard-earned money would be enough for those entitled cats!
*We’re hoping that they’re just freaked out because it’s not what they’re used to, so if he mixes in enough of the old stuff they’ll eat it, and he can gradually mix in less and less until they’re just eating the better stuff. Poor hungry kitties kept mewing at us, asking for their good and proper food, please, not this weird stuff 🙁
the thing with these freaks is that I’d bet the only insight they get into women’s lives is from TV. I doubt they even associate with real life women. Or have any female friends. TV mainly shows vapid, beauty obsessed women and that’s where they get their ideas about women from
There is a documentary series called “sex and the city” that the like to quote frequently….
I am a hairy-legged nonbinary poly loudly feminist slut.
I am also kind, considerate, lovable and sweet to my partners, and I rarely cause them trouble. I don’t play games. I have never divorced anyone, I have never pole-danced, I’ve never been drunk, I’ve never picked up a studmuffin anywhere or anyone at a bar, I’ve never made a porn film, I’ve never taken anyone to court, and all my demands are perfectly reasonable. I even don’t particularly like many of my relatives and do not require my partners to entertain them without their consent.
So I think he needs to be more careful when he specifies who the perfect woman is.
Well technically he isn’t referring to you because you are genderqueer. You get off the hook this time! 😛
Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.
Someone is very, very wanting of a basic education. Man’s Best Friend didn’t come from God.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_of_the_domestic_dog
http://archaeology.about.com/od/domestications/qt/dogs.htm
“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”
-Susan B. Anthony
And MRAs accuse women of being shallow and egotistical.
Beware the cat!
“Quackers, I’ve said that I absolutely don’t just notice the most gorgeous women. I sure as hell can’t afford to do that! But even if I could, I wouldn’t, because I think a lot of people are beautiful. Not everyone, but I have a wide range of people (women) I like appearance-wise. And they only have to meet a certain (not high) standard before I’d forget about it, and then it’s down to personality. I even think women in their late 30s are attractive, and I’m 19! Don’t tell me my tastes are narrow. Average women are totally fine.”
– MRAL
Wait, wait, wait a minute. I lurk here quite often, and weren’t you the poster a few weeks back who said that he only liked incredibly busty, slender, leggy, beautiful women and all the other women could fuck off?
There was something about how she had to have a 40DDDDDD cup size, and then the thread became a discussion about realistic bra sizes. I remember this.
Psst! We appear to have come to a consensus that ignoring MRAL is the only way to get him to go away. Please do not feed the trolls.
(Since you said you’d been mostly lurking I’m guessing you may have missed that conversation.)
Addendum – please keep feeding Slavey and Meller, because they’re hilarious.
Oops! Sorry. Hmm, plushy stuffed animals and conspiracy theories it is, then. Disregard the above comment. This thread should naturally segue to sex dolls and fembots, anyway.
Yeah, where’s Antz? Then again he seems to have dropped the sexbot talk. Maybe we made him too embarrassed to discuss it here.
Ozy, poor kitty! I just did a post about her with a link to the post on NSWATM.
I love, love, love dogs but they seem to be motivated by basic things like food, tummy/head rubs and fetch, which is kinda boring on an intellectual level…
Or, maybe it isn’t for an MRA 🙂
I love that game! But oh, how I hate that fucking puzzle.
@blitzgal, I just killed it instead…I can’t even do the sliding puzzles designed for small children. My brain just doesn’t work that way.
*headdesk*
Why can’t the MRA morons ever understand that it works the other way around, too? Let’s regender this fucker:
A dog will give a woman unconditional love; whereas, a man may or may not keep you around depending upon the availability of younger and “hotter” flesh. I don’t have to cook my dog three-course meals … My dog doesn’t go whining to other dogs that I feed him canned food instead of making everything from scratch. My dog doesn’t spend upwards of $100K on “toys” he supposedly “needs”, such as cars, yachts, “sports equipment”, golf memberships, tickets to sporting events, and man caves (which I’m expected to clean, by the way). My dog will happily play with my kids, instead of demanding that I keep them out of his way because he needs to “decompress”. In fact, my dog never ever needs to “decompress,” ever; he’s always ecstatically happy to receive attention. My dog is trained not to make a mess in the house; my dog isn’t whining to other dogs about being required not to make a mess in the house; my dog knows that if he does make a mess, he’ll have to go outside; my dog requires less clean-up from me. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol or crash “his” brand new car which we both paid for, and which now means that I will be carless for an indefinite period of time. My dog doesn’t bitch about my parents. My dog doesn’t bitch about my friends. My dog doesn’t interrogate me if I come home at 1 am; he’s just as happy to see me at that hour as if I had come in at 7 pm. My dog doesn’t go on and on about his high blood pressure and how I don’t take care of him well enough; at the same time, my dog won’t moan and complain that I am “controlling” just because I took him to the vet for his own health. Etc., etc., etc.
He doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. He doesn’t tell me he loves me while fucking the babysitter behind my back, then tell me tomorrow that he’s leaving because he wants to “live a little”. My dog doesn’t play grab-ass at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “hotties” at bars. My dog doesn’t watch porno films. My dog doesn’t clean out the bank account and he doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship, as I don’t have to entertain any of his stupid friends.
All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and his food.
No play dates for the doggie? Mine usually likes to go to the doggie park.
Otherwise, yes. Very much so.