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Are dog bitches superior to human bitches? A misogynist dingbat says yes.

Bitch, please.

At some point, you’ve probably all heard some douchebag offer some version of the following bit of misogynist humor: You shouldn’t call a woman a bitch because that’s an insult … to female dogs!

A traditionalist Christian named Walter Allen Thompson has expanded this dumb joke into an even dumber essay. And he seems to literally believe it. As he explains in the essay, which has been posted on the Very Dumb Government blog (and which I ran across thanks to a link from our pal MarkyMark):

[W]hen some of you call a woman a “bitch” think about what you are saying.  The word “bitch” means a female dog.  So if you are going to use the word with its true meaning, you would actually be insulting female dogs, because the dogs have better behavior than many women. … I would never insult my dog by calling Gloria Allred a “bitch”.  … I would call her a feminist but not a bitch.  The feminist movement has made many of our women unseemly wenches. 

Walter clearly holds a much higher opinion of his dog:

I love my bitch and I don’t want to say anything to offend her.  My bitch is sweet, my bitch is lovable, my bitch is kind, my bitch is considerate, and she hardly causes me any trouble. 

And, and as we all know, ladies is trouble:

A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds.  I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails.  My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car. 

I don’t know from dogs, but if my cat were actually capable of any of these things, she would do them. That’s part of the charm of cats. They’re tiny little monsters – selfish, self-absorbed, amoral creatures we let into our homes because they’re cute, they’re fascinating, and they’re too small to kill us. Not that mine doesn’t try.

I wouldn’t put up with that from a human being, but I put up with it from my cat because she’s a cat, and had a rough childhood (she was abandoned) and doesn’t know any better. Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.

Well, not this guy:

All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food.  Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman.  The value of any relationship depends upon unconditional love, and that’s more evident with my dog.

“Unconditional love” sounds nice in theory, but in practice as most of us know it’s really a pretty shitty idea. If someone behaves in a way that is unlovable – attacks you, deliberately poops on the couch, starts reading A Voice for Men — you’re not obligated to keep loving them. Loyalty is, by and large, a good thing, and most of us are willing to cut those we love a lot of slack, but no one should be expected to put up with intolerable behavior in the name of unconditional love. (Also, people sometimes fall out of love. I know, shocking.)

People demand a bit more from their loved ones than dogs do, and that’s a good thing. Also, people know things that dogs don’t, and that’s also good. Hitler’s dog loved him. But then again Hitler’s dog didn’t know he was Hitler. (Hitler returned this unconditional love by having poor Blondi killed just before he killed himself.)

Of course, our boy Walter knows that most love is not unconditional. Indeed, as we saw above, he’s got a long list of conditions — some reasonable, some not — that women will have to meet before he’ll be willing to even consider them over his dog. Here are some more of his conditions, which his dog fulfills but most women (in his mind) won’t:

She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say.  She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands.  It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives.  My dog is my friend and not my adversary.

It’s a pretty revealing list. He’s upset not only by infidelity, but also by women changing their mind about things – “say[ing] yes today and no tomorrow.” (Saying “no” to what? Sex? Does he think he deserves the right to rape his wife?) His idea of a “perfect relationship” seems to be one in which he doesn’t have to deal with a woman’s wants, or desires, or even her relatives.

Walter rails against feminists and feminism, but it’s clear that he also has issues with traditional women actually expecting him to fulfill his role in a traditional male-breadwinner marriage.

If you want to know where you stand with a woman, just run out of money.  If you have a woman that stays with you when you’re broke or in a setback, then you have a good one.

Here’s a hint: if you don’t want a woman to expect you to provide for her, don’t marry a woman who expects you to provide for her.

Also: try not feeding your dog for several days, and see how lovable she is after that. (Given the strange literal mindedness of so many misogynists, I should add: don’t literally do that. Just imagine doing it, in your head.)

If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least)  rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog.  Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.

No, that’s ok. Stick to dogs for now.

EDITED TO ADD: As Molly Ren points out in the comments, it turns out that some dogs do pole dance. Heck, some even lick the stripper pole, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. (Well, not exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.)

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pillowinhell
8 years ago

Holly, I think that feeds in to it for sure. I’ve never met a really sexist jerk who wasn’t tied to his mothers apron strings still. They might be men, but Mom’s still there in the background making everything run smoothly. Same goes for the occassional really sexist woman and her Dad.

pillowinhell
8 years ago

Oh, and some sort of delay in developing a well functioning theory of mind. Kinda plays into cluelessness in so many situations.

Scar
Scar
8 years ago

I think the authorities would be wise to pay this man a visit to ensure that there is no sexual mistreatment of his animals going on.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

I think the “theory of mind” stuff also plays into the pole dancing pressure!

“Watching her dance turns me on; therefore dancing must turn her on!”

pillowinhell
8 years ago

Scar, there have been people who’ve tried to legally marry their dogs. So…it wasn’t just your mind that thought crossed.

Holly, theory of mind is something I guess we all stumble with at times… That being said, some folks are woefully underdeveloped towards certain groups of people. Personally, I’d be looking at the pole dancer and wondering if maybe they would like a nap afterwards!

kristinmh
kristinmh
8 years ago

If I ever get a Yorkie and teach it to poledance I will TOTALLY call it Elizabeth Barkley!

Both of my dogs like booze, Madeline probably more than Gus. And both would bankrupt me buying sausages if they had the chance. I don’t think dear Walter understands that dogs are *literally* incapable of taking themselves for manicures or filing for divorce.

But you know, maybe his dog really loves him. Because dogs have low standards like that.

ozymandias42
ozymandias42
8 years ago

This is offtopic, but as we at Manboobz are noted lovers of kitties, I would like to point out that Noah Brand’s kitty has very treatable cancer and that we are raising money to treat it. So, you know, if you have a little extra money, feel free to toss some the kitty’s way!

http://noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/help-save-this-cat/

Carrie
8 years ago

@Quackers: You’ve hit the nail on the head with them. I can definitely see an immaturity since a lot of their demands often contradict with each other…

-They have a love’em and leave them attitude as well as often wanting their mate to be sexually dedicated to their needs, but then complain that women are sluts who are obsessed with sex.

-Complain about ugly women then get upset when women spend money on beauty products to make themselves more attractive.

-Call women shallow and lookist when they brag about only wanting women under the age of 25 or 30 at best. (A definite sign of Centerfold Syndrome.) Or get ultra-repulsed if she’s ever had sexual contact with a black man/men.

-Say how demanding American women are, but expect all non-American Asian women to be “respectful” and devoted to them.

-When an attractive women is dating an unattractive man, she is a vicious gold-digger who is using him. If she is unattractive and he’s good-looking, she must be manipulating him.with a child. If they’re both attractive then she’s some bitch who only wants alpha-males. And if they’re both ugly than she’s a repulsive, low-class cow. (Personally, I wonder who these “alpha-males” they’re bitching about are.)

-Think women are vicious and cruel but are giddy when they talk about women getting hurt or sick and wanting to hurt or humiliate them.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

One of my boyfriend’s cats decided a few months ago that he likes me better than my boyfriend, and will climb all over him in order to get into my (evidently much superior) lap. This, despite the fact that the man has fed and loved and cared for them for almost 15 years, and I… pet them sometimes. And sneeze at them. Such disloyalty! Clearly, cats may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds.

They’ve both been having health problems that we think might be linked to diet, so boyfriend went out and bought some food that’s more than double the price of what he’d been feeding them before. They’ve turned their noses up at it*. No amount of their owner’s hard-earned money would be enough for those entitled cats!

*We’re hoping that they’re just freaked out because it’s not what they’re used to, so if he mixes in enough of the old stuff they’ll eat it, and he can gradually mix in less and less until they’re just eating the better stuff. Poor hungry kitties kept mewing at us, asking for their good and proper food, please, not this weird stuff 🙁

Jill the Spinster
Jill the Spinster
8 years ago

the thing with these freaks is that I’d bet the only insight they get into women’s lives is from TV. I doubt they even associate with real life women. Or have any female friends. TV mainly shows vapid, beauty obsessed women and that’s where they get their ideas about women from

There is a documentary series called “sex and the city” that the like to quote frequently….

ozymandias42
ozymandias42
8 years ago

I am a hairy-legged nonbinary poly loudly feminist slut.

I am also kind, considerate, lovable and sweet to my partners, and I rarely cause them trouble. I don’t play games. I have never divorced anyone, I have never pole-danced, I’ve never been drunk, I’ve never picked up a studmuffin anywhere or anyone at a bar, I’ve never made a porn film, I’ve never taken anyone to court, and all my demands are perfectly reasonable. I even don’t particularly like many of my relatives and do not require my partners to entertain them without their consent.

So I think he needs to be more careful when he specifies who the perfect woman is.

jumbofish
8 years ago

So I think he needs to be more careful when he specifies who the perfect woman is.

Well technically he isn’t referring to you because you are genderqueer. You get off the hook this time! 😛

BoggiDWurms
8 years ago

Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.

Someone is very, very wanting of a basic education. Man’s Best Friend didn’t come from God.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_of_the_domestic_dog
http://archaeology.about.com/od/domestications/qt/dogs.htm

“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”
-Susan B. Anthony

And MRAs accuse women of being shallow and egotistical.

darksidecat
8 years ago

Beware the cat!

savagebeard
savagebeard
8 years ago

“Quackers, I’ve said that I absolutely don’t just notice the most gorgeous women. I sure as hell can’t afford to do that! But even if I could, I wouldn’t, because I think a lot of people are beautiful. Not everyone, but I have a wide range of people (women) I like appearance-wise. And they only have to meet a certain (not high) standard before I’d forget about it, and then it’s down to personality. I even think women in their late 30s are attractive, and I’m 19! Don’t tell me my tastes are narrow. Average women are totally fine.”

– MRAL

Wait, wait, wait a minute. I lurk here quite often, and weren’t you the poster a few weeks back who said that he only liked incredibly busty, slender, leggy, beautiful women and all the other women could fuck off?

There was something about how she had to have a 40DDDDDD cup size, and then the thread became a discussion about realistic bra sizes. I remember this.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Psst! We appear to have come to a consensus that ignoring MRAL is the only way to get him to go away. Please do not feed the trolls.

(Since you said you’d been mostly lurking I’m guessing you may have missed that conversation.)

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Addendum – please keep feeding Slavey and Meller, because they’re hilarious.

savagebeard
savagebeard
8 years ago

Oops! Sorry. Hmm, plushy stuffed animals and conspiracy theories it is, then. Disregard the above comment. This thread should naturally segue to sex dolls and fembots, anyway.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Yeah, where’s Antz? Then again he seems to have dropped the sexbot talk. Maybe we made him too embarrassed to discuss it here.

Jill the Spinster
Jill the Spinster
8 years ago

I love, love, love dogs but they seem to be motivated by basic things like food, tummy/head rubs and fetch, which is kinda boring on an intellectual level…

Or, maybe it isn’t for an MRA 🙂

blitzgal
8 years ago

Beware the cat!

I love that game! But oh, how I hate that fucking puzzle.

darksidecat
8 years ago

@blitzgal, I just killed it instead…I can’t even do the sliding puzzles designed for small children. My brain just doesn’t work that way.

Amused
8 years ago

A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds. I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car.

*headdesk*

Why can’t the MRA morons ever understand that it works the other way around, too? Let’s regender this fucker:

A dog will give a woman unconditional love; whereas, a man may or may not keep you around depending upon the availability of younger and “hotter” flesh. I don’t have to cook my dog three-course meals … My dog doesn’t go whining to other dogs that I feed him canned food instead of making everything from scratch. My dog doesn’t spend upwards of $100K on “toys” he supposedly “needs”, such as cars, yachts, “sports equipment”, golf memberships, tickets to sporting events, and man caves (which I’m expected to clean, by the way). My dog will happily play with my kids, instead of demanding that I keep them out of his way because he needs to “decompress”. In fact, my dog never ever needs to “decompress,” ever; he’s always ecstatically happy to receive attention. My dog is trained not to make a mess in the house; my dog isn’t whining to other dogs about being required not to make a mess in the house; my dog knows that if he does make a mess, he’ll have to go outside; my dog requires less clean-up from me. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol or crash “his” brand new car which we both paid for, and which now means that I will be carless for an indefinite period of time. My dog doesn’t bitch about my parents. My dog doesn’t bitch about my friends. My dog doesn’t interrogate me if I come home at 1 am; he’s just as happy to see me at that hour as if I had come in at 7 pm. My dog doesn’t go on and on about his high blood pressure and how I don’t take care of him well enough; at the same time, my dog won’t moan and complain that I am “controlling” just because I took him to the vet for his own health. Etc., etc., etc.

She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives.

He doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. He doesn’t tell me he loves me while fucking the babysitter behind my back, then tell me tomorrow that he’s leaving because he wants to “live a little”. My dog doesn’t play grab-ass at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “hotties” at bars. My dog doesn’t watch porno films. My dog doesn’t clean out the bank account and he doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship, as I don’t have to entertain any of his stupid friends.

All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food.

All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and his food.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

No play dates for the doggie? Mine usually likes to go to the doggie park.

Otherwise, yes. Very much so.

Hannah Solo
Hannah Solo
8 years ago

My dog never picked up “stud muffins” at bars, but he LOVED to eat muffins and would lunge for any crumbs that we dropped under our chairs.

Explore nature
8 years ago

Dog bitches are superior to feminists………………..

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

It’s a new miracle of MRA punctuation – the double period!

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

Low effort troll is low effort.

Sorka
Sorka
8 years ago

Those double periods… they’re like little beady eyes looking at me.

Pecunium
8 years ago

What gets me is the long line of sub-point border (ok, I am now wallowing in my ancient of days experiences pasting up newspapers with beeswax, and linotape. We won’t talk about when I used an actual linotype to set a paper).

Comet
Comet
8 years ago

All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food. Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman

Okay, leave gender out of it and like with many things there’s a kernel of truth in this. The more I know of people, and all that. 😀

I get annoyed when non-sappy-over-animals type people accuse you of projecting human attributes onto your pets when it’s the opposite. We love them because they’re not like sodding people.

(BTW am I like the only dog person here?)

Pecunium
8 years ago

Comet: No. I like dogs, KristinMH likes dogs, ithiliana likes dogs. I am pretty sure PKFAE likes dogs. Those are the ones which come to mind.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

I like dogs! I am just too tiny-homed and odd-scheduled to take proper care of one. But I do think they’re awesome. They’re pets you can communicate with in a lot of surprisingly meaningful ways.

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

While I admit I’m more of a cat person, I think dogs are great.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

I have a dog. Her name is Amara and she is a chihuahua mix pound rescue. She is not a pug so she is not the most beloved pet ever but she lives a life of luxury with plenty of chew toys, a cat I got specifically to make sure she was not lonely when I am not around, a warm bed to lie on (what is with these people who do not let pets sleep on their beds? How do you keep your toes warm? Or in the case of Anne the cat, chest, arms, and occasionally head), twice or more daily walks, rides in cars, trips to snow (need to take her to beach too) and cuddles all the time.

Because that is what dogs should get even if they are obtained, like she was, because of safety concerns (as I told my dad, a gun cannot wake you up if someone breaks into your house and due to work, that IS a concern.)

I even get her a ribbon when she has her bath at Pet Smart.

ithiliana
8 years ago

@ Comet: we’re currently at three dogs (all rescue, one the most recent rescue is with me at work while I type–in faculty office–because of her abandonment issues). We’re also currently at five cats (we were heavily involved in animal rescue–my partner and I, not all women, heh,–up to a few years ago when we had to call an end to personal adoption (13 cats and 4 dogs). I adore dogs, though am not as good with them as cats (having been ruled by cats since childhood, I find it hard to be the good alpha that dogs want their pack leaders to be–that position is occupied by my partner).

hellkell
hellkell
8 years ago

I like dogs, I just can’t have one where we are now. However, our landlord thinks we’re the best tenants ever, so he may bend on that one.

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

(BTW am I like the only dog person here?)

Very definitely not. I am all about the doggies. (I like cats a lot, too – really, I’m all about the cute fuzzy animals of any kind, but if I had to pick just one, dogs win.)

She is also a rescue dog, somewhat more directly than usual – I live somewhat off the beaten track, which means that every so often some worthless excuse for a person will dump their unwanted pets on the side of the road near my house. My dog was one of those dogs; she wandered into my backyard as a half-starved, bruised, lost puppy and never left.* I still think whoever dumped her is a stain on the fabric of humanity, but I can’t hate them as much as I might otherwise, because their horrible action did lead to me getting the best dog anyone could ask for.

*Disgustingly sappy story (hey, it’s Valentine’s, being disgustingly sappy is the point, right?) about the moment I knew she was staying: on that first morning I saw her, her little ribs were sticking out of her chest and she looked like she probably hadn’t had any food in several days. So I found some leftover hamburger in the fridge and brought it out to her, and she started eating with great gusto. Then I turned around and walked back toward the house, and she followed me. I figured she’d go back to the food as soon as I was inside, but instead she waited at the back door. So I went back outside, and she excitedly bounced on me and wagged. I walked her back to the food, she once again began eating it, and then I tried to go inside again. Same deal. “Oh geez,” I said. “You’re starving. And you want love more than food.”

So I sat next to her while she gobbled down her hamburger, and then let her climb into my lap and get petted. And I knew that, even though I couldn’t really afford a dog, there was no way I was going to be able to let her go. <3

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

Argh, somehow the “I have a great dog” got deleted from the beginning of the second paragraph. That’s who the antecedent-free “she” is there. :-p

Dracula
Dracula
8 years ago

Same deal. “Oh geez,” I said. “You’re starving. And you want love more than food.”

That is absolutely heartbreaking. Seriously, I wept.

Bostonian
8 years ago

Polliwog, my monitor is all blurry for some odd reason.

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

The part that makes it possible not to weep for me is that, for the past decade, she’s never been without an ample supply of both love and food. (Sometimes a bit too ample on the latter count – she’s very good at wheedling me into giving her treats. 😛 ) But I still do get a tiny bit choked up remembering that first day with her, even now. Poor sweet puppy.

*hugs doggie*

Cloudiah
Cloudiah
8 years ago

Polliwog, you have the luckiest doggie and I am hugging her from long distance.

Kyrie
Kyrie
8 years ago

@Bostonian: I think this thread is broken, same thing happened to me.

*stores story in the “ridiculously cute yet true” part of my memory.

darksidecat
8 years ago

I don’t have any dogs right now, because I’m not allowed pets in my apartment.

My mother has three dogs right now. One of them is a rescue dog. He still has the scars from when he was tossed from a moving car out onto the side of the highway. We got him from my mother’s friend, who was fostering him for the ASPCA. He’s the sweetest dog ever.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Aw, Polliwog, it’s great that you two found each other.

I love dogs! Part of why I moved into this house was so that I would be able to have a dog, but I haven’t been able to get my life organized enough yet that I would be able to take proper care of one. I really want a Golden, they’re so sweet, and considering how long dogs tend to live I think it makes sense to get a dog that would be good with kids. But there’s all sorts of problems with the world of purebred dogs, and there are so many rescues that need good homes, so… I’ll figure it out if I ever clean up my act.

I like cats well enough, but they make me sneeze! Part of why I love my boyfriend’s cats so much is they’re pretty much dogs. They’re the most cuddly, affectionate, needy cats I have ever seen. Also they play fetch!

Pecunium
8 years ago

We had a couple of dogs (life will not permit dogs now… we shall see about the future). Token was an English Foxhound.

Olliver… I found him in the street. He had an injured leg. Someone had left him with a bag of snacks, and an ice cream tub of water. I was walking Token and there was Olliver, lying in the gutter at the end of the drive. Took him in, no one claimed him, and so I took him to the vet and got him neutered, and the slobbering beast was with us until we couldn’t keep them any more.

Crossing a Stream below Sturdevant Falls

Playing at the beach

But they didn’t get to sleep in the bed. Olliver was 97 lbs. and Token was 69 lbs. They would have left us no room.

🙂

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

Aw, they’re cuties!

This is Rosencrantz:

http://i43.tinypic.com/suv801.jpg

katz
8 years ago

Aww, you guys have such cute dogs!