At some point, you’ve probably all heard some douchebag offer some version of the following bit of misogynist humor: You shouldn’t call a woman a bitch because that’s an insult … to female dogs!
A traditionalist Christian named Walter Allen Thompson has expanded this dumb joke into an even dumber essay. And he seems to literally believe it. As he explains in the essay, which has been posted on the Very Dumb Government blog (and which I ran across thanks to a link from our pal MarkyMark):
[W]hen some of you call a woman a “bitch” think about what you are saying. The word “bitch” means a female dog. So if you are going to use the word with its true meaning, you would actually be insulting female dogs, because the dogs have better behavior than many women. … I would never insult my dog by calling Gloria Allred a “bitch”. … I would call her a feminist but not a bitch. The feminist movement has made many of our women unseemly wenches.
Walter clearly holds a much higher opinion of his dog:
I love my bitch and I don’t want to say anything to offend her. My bitch is sweet, my bitch is lovable, my bitch is kind, my bitch is considerate, and she hardly causes me any trouble.
And, and as we all know, ladies is trouble:
A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds. I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car.
I don’t know from dogs, but if my cat were actually capable of any of these things, she would do them. That’s part of the charm of cats. They’re tiny little monsters – selfish, self-absorbed, amoral creatures we let into our homes because they’re cute, they’re fascinating, and they’re too small to kill us. Not that mine doesn’t try.
I wouldn’t put up with that from a human being, but I put up with it from my cat because she’s a cat, and had a rough childhood (she was abandoned) and doesn’t know any better. Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.
Well, not this guy:
All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food. Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman. The value of any relationship depends upon unconditional love, and that’s more evident with my dog.
“Unconditional love” sounds nice in theory, but in practice as most of us know it’s really a pretty shitty idea. If someone behaves in a way that is unlovable – attacks you, deliberately poops on the couch, starts reading A Voice for Men — you’re not obligated to keep loving them. Loyalty is, by and large, a good thing, and most of us are willing to cut those we love a lot of slack, but no one should be expected to put up with intolerable behavior in the name of unconditional love. (Also, people sometimes fall out of love. I know, shocking.)
People demand a bit more from their loved ones than dogs do, and that’s a good thing. Also, people know things that dogs don’t, and that’s also good. Hitler’s dog loved him. But then again Hitler’s dog didn’t know he was Hitler. (Hitler returned this unconditional love by having poor Blondi killed just before he killed himself.)
Of course, our boy Walter knows that most love is not unconditional. Indeed, as we saw above, he’s got a long list of conditions — some reasonable, some not — that women will have to meet before he’ll be willing to even consider them over his dog. Here are some more of his conditions, which his dog fulfills but most women (in his mind) won’t:
She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives. My dog is my friend and not my adversary.
It’s a pretty revealing list. He’s upset not only by infidelity, but also by women changing their mind about things – “say[ing] yes today and no tomorrow.” (Saying “no” to what? Sex? Does he think he deserves the right to rape his wife?) His idea of a “perfect relationship” seems to be one in which he doesn’t have to deal with a woman’s wants, or desires, or even her relatives.
Walter rails against feminists and feminism, but it’s clear that he also has issues with traditional women actually expecting him to fulfill his role in a traditional male-breadwinner marriage.
If you want to know where you stand with a woman, just run out of money. If you have a woman that stays with you when you’re broke or in a setback, then you have a good one.
Here’s a hint: if you don’t want a woman to expect you to provide for her, don’t marry a woman who expects you to provide for her.
Also: try not feeding your dog for several days, and see how lovable she is after that. (Given the strange literal mindedness of so many misogynists, I should add: don’t literally do that. Just imagine doing it, in your head.)
If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least) rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog. Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.
No, that’s ok. Stick to dogs for now.
EDITED TO ADD: As Molly Ren points out in the comments, it turns out that some dogs do pole dance. Heck, some even lick the stripper pole, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. (Well, not exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.)
The ex who went all MRA on me said more than once that I should never expect unconditional love from a human, and that if I wanted “unconditional love,” I should get a dog. This was the same man who expected forgiveness carte blanche, no matter how hatefully he felt like treating me at any given moment.
…Nope.
@Cassandra
the thing with these freaks is that I’d bet the only insight they get into women’s lives is from TV. I doubt they even associate with real life women. Or have any female friends. TV mainly shows vapid, beauty obsessed women and that’s where they get their ideas about women from. That or like asses like MRAL, only tend to notice the really gorgeous women who usually have to do the makeup/manicure/tanning/hair thing in order to fit that rigid mold of beauty. The women who don’t do those things are invisible. Non-existent.
That’s why it’s best to mock these douchebags. On one hand they criticize feminists for being ugly and hairy and unfeminine, on the other they criticize the women who put effort into looking good as shallow and vapid. These men are like whiny little children who don’t know what they want except to complain and bully, thus they should be treated as such.
@Seraph – It seems to me like a “fear of women who show sexual feelings or interest in any way of which the man who ‘owns’ her does not approve.” These guys seem to think a woman should be a “freak in the bed,” but only for *them* and only in they ways *they* want it.
I’m pretty convinced this is related to the use of slurs like “frigid whores,” which I can only interpret to mean “I hate you for having sexual feelings about people who are not me.”
” Is it the fear of a woman whose sex drive isn’t under his control?”
Yes, but also the fear of a woman whose behavior in general isn’t under his control. That’s why they like dogs better than cats – more trainable.
I don’t want people like this to have dogs around either. I doubt they’d be as good to them when they get old as Kyn (above) is — probably euthanize them at the first sign of old age. 🙁
Quackers, I’ve said that I absolutely don’t just notice the most gorgeous women. I sure as hell can’t afford to do that! But even if I could, I wouldn’t, because I think a lot of people are beautiful. Not everyone, but I have a wide range of people (women) I like appearance-wise. And they only have to meet a certain (not high) standard before I’d forget about it, and then it’s down to personality. I even think women in their late 30s are attractive, and I’m 19! Don’t tell me my tastes are narrow. Average women are totally fine.
Every time someone equates ‘natural’ with good I get the urge to take away their laptops and mobile phones and house, and show them the results of ‘flu, or smallpox, or cholera. Human’s started disrupting the ‘natural order’ as soon as we invented tools, for crying out loud. This fallacy really gets on my nerves, and doubly so when it is being used so stupidly. You want to see a ‘natural’ dog? Here is a ‘natural’ dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jXxtQRy47A
@CassandraSays Cats are very trainable! I’ve trained my kitkits to sleep in patches of sunlight, eat tuna, knock things off my nightstand when I’m trying to sleep, chase (real or imaginary) bugs, lick themselves and each other, etc. They’re really talented! 🙂
I get manicures occasionally! You know, with the money that I have. Women are allowed to have money now!
I’d say probably half of the time I go for a manicure, I go with my mom, whose accounts are all joint with her husband. I know, I know, you’re thinking: how dare she steal that money from him for her frivolous women things! That’s his man things money! Like scotch! He’s worked hard all of his life, he’s earned himself some expensive scotch! But I guess when they got joint accounts they figured that made it their money, not his money? I don’t know. They’re kind of weird.
Of course, to be totally fair, she earned a lot of that money in the workplace too. Stealing a man’s job, amirite guys?? Plus, it meant they had to share a bunch of the work in the home, including raising the bratty kids that weren’t even biologically his!
The money thing is so funny.
“Too many women have jobs, which they have stolen from some man!”
“And yet, if they buy things, obviously they are doing so with their husband’s money!”
Now me, I don’t get manicures, but I’m the woman who buys the $300 jeans. With my own money, that I earned by working!
@Quackers
You haven’t come across the “indentured servants/poor whites had it much worse than black slaves so making a big deal out of racism is REVERSE RACISM” screeds? There really is no level to which these people will not sink.
Apropos of the OP, I’m fairly certain that the lack of opposable thumbs is the only thing keeping one of my cats from taking over the world.
@Leely
Just a matter of time…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8&w=560&h=315%5D
It is a pretty clear description of what abusive men expect in a relationship. A woman who is entirely focused on the mans wants needs and desires and has none of her own.
Not even a dog could live up to those unrealistic expectations, but unlike a woman they will always be happy to see you.
ChiaPet. They probably could handle a Chiapet. Or maybe Sea Monkeys. Or a plant. -No, those need some tending, too.
Maybe a brick.
@Quakers: I think you nailed it. Somehow, these dudes seem to have no acquaintance with any real, live women whatsoever. Not even romantic/sexual: ANY. I don’t know how they managed it, but apparently.
For that matter: do any of them even have any friends?
Sorry, I know this is ridiculous – but a pole dancing dog video, a reference to Showgirls, and near-fifty comments, AND NOBODY HAS SAID “ELIZABETH BARKLEY.” I just don’t understand.
This is from an American point of view.
I have an issue with the terminology used. Stating that women living and working in households for free, who have to ask for allowances, ignores women who were slaves. Enslaved women who, besides working for free, were used as slave producing factories for their owners, threatened with whips and rape and couldn’t leave their owners properties.
Not that white women during slavery (and all women after) weren’t considered property of their husbands, and were also in harm of being abused, it just is an entirely different social class that was held by women.
I’ve been to parties with poles! 🙂
Thing is, though, if you look down on people for getting on the pole, then nobody’s going to get on the pole. And then everybody loses.
What’s best actually is when guys get on the pole too. Not just because male-attracted people get some entertainment (although that’s nice too), but because it breaks down the boundaries between “dancing” and “danced for.” It turns it from a pole dancing show into a pole dancing party. And then everybody wins.
Whether or not these guys have friends (which I’m sure they do), they all have mothers. And that’s where the problem is. They want women to be interchangeable and as apparently selfless as their mothers were in their youth.
Think about it. When you were a child, what were you expected to do for your mother? You could slap together anything as a present and she’d be delighted, do anything to make your life easier or happier and wouldn’t leave you. This is of course, providing you had a halfway decent mother, not everyone is so lucky. (Hugs if that wasn’t you and you want some)
On the other hand, as a kid, you’re blithely unaware of her needs, have no idea what it takes for her life to run smoothly and you never have to do actual work to support any of her personal goals or dreams. You just be your sweet kiddo self and she does all the work.
I’m not complaining here, I wouldn’t trade being mom for all the gold in the galaxy. Its pretty fulfilling, but its not the only thing I want to achieve in my lifetime either. Somewhere along the line, I think its a mothers responsibility to show her children she’s a complete human being with a life of her own, and how to be supportive of of her as a person. Otherwise, we’re passing on some pretty self involved future partners to people we probably never wished to curse that way.
(Addendum on pole dancing: obviously, equally important is giving the people the option to not pole dance. Because the guys who look down on women for pole dancing are usually the same ones who get super “come on, have some fun for once, you’re so uptight” when women don’t want to pole dance for them.)
Pillowinhell – I think the “my idea of women comes from my mother” thing also accounts for the shockingly common idea that women don’t do any work.
Because being a kid isn’t work, right? You get to play all the time!
And if you have a stay-at-home mom, she’s there with you during all this easy, no-responsibilities playtime. And you sorta figure it must be playtime for her too! The playground is a fun place, not a working place; Mom takes me to the playground; ergo, Mom must be having fun and not working!
I think a lot of these guys never got over that, and they grew from “feeding me dinner is exactly as fun for Mom as eating dinner is for me” straight into “if you don’t get interviewed and hired and paid for it then it’s not real work.”
Ersatzmoons
I think that’s a good point there. I’m not black, but I can imagine that having black slavery experiences appropriated by other groups would be pretty angry making.
Um, anyone with more background in history? Perhaps indentured servitude would be a better analogy?
Holly, thank you for adding that addition. As the official uptight girl with boundaries issues at any social event, it’s upsetting how many people try to push me into things to “liberate” me and make sure “I’m” having fun.