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Are dog bitches superior to human bitches? A misogynist dingbat says yes.

Bitch, please.

At some point, you’ve probably all heard some douchebag offer some version of the following bit of misogynist humor: You shouldn’t call a woman a bitch because that’s an insult … to female dogs!

A traditionalist Christian named Walter Allen Thompson has expanded this dumb joke into an even dumber essay. And he seems to literally believe it. As he explains in the essay, which has been posted on the Very Dumb Government blog (and which I ran across thanks to a link from our pal MarkyMark):

[W]hen some of you call a woman a “bitch” think about what you are saying.  The word “bitch” means a female dog.  So if you are going to use the word with its true meaning, you would actually be insulting female dogs, because the dogs have better behavior than many women. … I would never insult my dog by calling Gloria Allred a “bitch”.  … I would call her a feminist but not a bitch.  The feminist movement has made many of our women unseemly wenches. 

Walter clearly holds a much higher opinion of his dog:

I love my bitch and I don’t want to say anything to offend her.  My bitch is sweet, my bitch is lovable, my bitch is kind, my bitch is considerate, and she hardly causes me any trouble. 

And, and as we all know, ladies is trouble:

A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds.  I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails.  My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car. 

I don’t know from dogs, but if my cat were actually capable of any of these things, she would do them. That’s part of the charm of cats. They’re tiny little monsters – selfish, self-absorbed, amoral creatures we let into our homes because they’re cute, they’re fascinating, and they’re too small to kill us. Not that mine doesn’t try.

I wouldn’t put up with that from a human being, but I put up with it from my cat because she’s a cat, and had a rough childhood (she was abandoned) and doesn’t know any better. Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.

Well, not this guy:

All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food.  Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman.  The value of any relationship depends upon unconditional love, and that’s more evident with my dog.

“Unconditional love” sounds nice in theory, but in practice as most of us know it’s really a pretty shitty idea. If someone behaves in a way that is unlovable – attacks you, deliberately poops on the couch, starts reading A Voice for Men — you’re not obligated to keep loving them. Loyalty is, by and large, a good thing, and most of us are willing to cut those we love a lot of slack, but no one should be expected to put up with intolerable behavior in the name of unconditional love. (Also, people sometimes fall out of love. I know, shocking.)

People demand a bit more from their loved ones than dogs do, and that’s a good thing. Also, people know things that dogs don’t, and that’s also good. Hitler’s dog loved him. But then again Hitler’s dog didn’t know he was Hitler. (Hitler returned this unconditional love by having poor Blondi killed just before he killed himself.)

Of course, our boy Walter knows that most love is not unconditional. Indeed, as we saw above, he’s got a long list of conditions — some reasonable, some not — that women will have to meet before he’ll be willing to even consider them over his dog. Here are some more of his conditions, which his dog fulfills but most women (in his mind) won’t:

She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say.  She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands.  It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives.  My dog is my friend and not my adversary.

It’s a pretty revealing list. He’s upset not only by infidelity, but also by women changing their mind about things – “say[ing] yes today and no tomorrow.” (Saying “no” to what? Sex? Does he think he deserves the right to rape his wife?) His idea of a “perfect relationship” seems to be one in which he doesn’t have to deal with a woman’s wants, or desires, or even her relatives.

Walter rails against feminists and feminism, but it’s clear that he also has issues with traditional women actually expecting him to fulfill his role in a traditional male-breadwinner marriage.

If you want to know where you stand with a woman, just run out of money.  If you have a woman that stays with you when you’re broke or in a setback, then you have a good one.

Here’s a hint: if you don’t want a woman to expect you to provide for her, don’t marry a woman who expects you to provide for her.

Also: try not feeding your dog for several days, and see how lovable she is after that. (Given the strange literal mindedness of so many misogynists, I should add: don’t literally do that. Just imagine doing it, in your head.)

If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least)  rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog.  Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.

No, that’s ok. Stick to dogs for now.

EDITED TO ADD: As Molly Ren points out in the comments, it turns out that some dogs do pole dance. Heck, some even lick the stripper pole, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. (Well, not exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.)

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Bostonian
8 years ago

I have said it before, and I will say it again, there is no bottom these idiots will not dig beyond.

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

So basically, what he wants in a girlfriend is someone who drools a lot, occasionally pees in completely inappropriate places, has been known to chew on the furniture, hates bathing, and enjoys greeting strangers by sticking her face in their crotches. Duly noted!

(I adore dogs, especially mine, but they are not exactly strong role models in anything other than “being super cute.”)

jumbofish
8 years ago

I don’t think this guy has actually met any women. Plus I like the “natural order of god” there at the end. keep those women in their place amiright?

Molly Ren
8 years ago

Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.

Well, not this guy…

So many horrible, tasteless, and disgusting jokes rose in my mind after reading these lines, but I’ll refrain from making any of them. 😛

Also, I was forced to google “pole dancing dog” after reading this, and there are videos. The Internet never disappoints.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Humans: they are more emotionally complex than pets, and have different needs.

Misandry!

Podkayne
8 years ago

I’m going to post this video because at least Cat Stevens loves you AS MUCH as his dog, not less.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWT2qHVftGk&w=420&h=315%5D

ozymandias42
ozymandias42
8 years ago

It always amuses me that the people who complain about women spending lots of money on fashion and beauty also complain when women are ugly.

johnnykaje
8 years ago

I imagine if dogs could talk and express what’s on their minds, this guy would like them a lot less.

(as would most people, sadly)

“How come you can get on the couch and I can’t? And don’t say it’s because I’m shedding, because guess what? Humans shed all the time too. Skin flakes, helloooo?”

“Hey, I know I’m all muddy, but you really need to let me in. It’s going to get below freezing, and you can always mop the floor. I can’t really clean this off without a towel, you know.”

“I’m sorry, but euthanasia is against my religion. Why can’t you pay for my medicine like you would for humans?”

“How come when one of you guys gets hit by a car, it’s this big fucking hairy deal? All we get is a shovel and a garbage bag.”

“Smell is our main sense, and is beyond your imagining in power. When we’re intent on sniffing your crotch, don’t fucking question it.

darksidecat
8 years ago

My mother once had a dog that was such a perv that this dog actually taught a stray dog how to hump her properly by mounting him and demonstrating (she was also a senior dog at the time, the vet was shocked when our twelve year old dog birthed a fat puppy). Their opinion of dogs isn’t very in line with actual dog behavior either.

I love dogs, in large part because they do in fact have individual personalities. Dogs are idealized clones either.

Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.

Women are literally Satan.

It’s shit like this that makes me proud to be an atheist, for fucks sake.

ithiliana
8 years ago

I feel sorry for his dog.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago

Sorry about the wrong here, but it’s what came to mind when I read this post. (Song starts at 0.53)

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
8 years ago

Robots seem to be the only solution to these guys-as soon as they are done with whatever it is they want to do with a woman, they really seem to want to just stick her in a closet and not have to pay any attention to her.

Halite
8 years ago

Thing the first: *my* dog (a bitch, actually) loves to drink. We have to be careful if we have open beers around, cause she will be on them like flies on stink. So there.

Thing the Second: co-signing ozymadias42’s observation that the choice between “don’t spend money on your appearance” and “but don’t get fat or ugkly or old, either” is a giant pile of dog turds.

Thing the Third: 50$ to get your nails done? That’s a frakking bargain. My sister got married this past summer and between clothing and hair/makeup/nails etc it cost me over 1000$ to not look like the fat hairy manhater (ha!) I am in her pictures.

Halite
8 years ago

Ack. *ozymandias42. Sorry about that :/

Kyn
Kyn
8 years ago

I have an old dog who is going senile and blind. Surprisingly, I still manage to love him, even though he is costing me a lot of money, takes many drugs, doesn’t look good as good as he used to, doesn’t always recognize me or my other dog, and behaves erratically. Based on what he considers to be his dog’s “advantages”, I suspect that this guy doesn’t really value his dog for what she is..

…Also, comparing a relationship with another rational adult human to a relationship with a non-sapient creature who is dependent on you to meet all of its needs (and over whom you have the power of life and death!) is super-gross even if you treat your dog really really well.

Rachel Maud
8 years ago

Wow, I hope his dog doesn’t get sick and cost him money some day. Or act in a way he doesn’t want, such as getting into the garbage or peeing on the floor.

PS For someone who is bitching about women not giving him unconditional love, HIS love sure seems to be conditional.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

Who cares what it costs to do my nails? (It costs me 99 cents each for a clipper and a file, anyway. On account of not all women are the same. But if I did get them done.) It’s my choice how I spend my money.

Unless, of course, you think that women shouldn’t have any money of their own, and they should only spend their husbands’ money on things of grave importance.

Which is such bullshit. Firstly because most non-working wives are doing thousands of dollars worth of childcare and housekeeping, and secondly because “you can’t spend your husband’s money on just having fun” means, to a woman with no money of “her own,” that she can never have any fun that requires money. It means that no matter how rich her husband is, she has to live like she’s impoverished, or beg for presents like a child.

It sounds superficially reasonable to say “don’t spend someone else’s money on yourself,” but when someone else’s money is the only money in your life, fuck, that’s no way to live.

Major Kong
Major Kong
8 years ago

“Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.”

Cats were once worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
8 years ago

Men can have conditional love though….cuz um…because that is why!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

I used to say that MRAs should just get a dog (preferably a Golden Retriever or something people pleasing like that – not, like, an Akita, or a Husky, which they clearly wouldn’t be able to cope with). After interacting with more of them this doesn’t seem like a good idea – they’ll just turn against the dog as soon as it displays any normal dog behavior.

No, what MRAs need is an AIBO. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIBO) That way it can be programmed not to do anything that will annoy them, and they don’t have to remember to feed it and get annoyed if it’s hungry. Plus if they do lose their shit and attack it, at least it’s not a live being with feelings and pain receptors.

Quackers
Quackers
8 years ago

one can only hope they only continue keeping the company of dogs and not any actual human women.

I’m sure the asshole has no problems picking up “sluts” at bars. Or WATCHING porno. Or shopping for electronic or sports memorabilia or whatever the hell macho traditional male types like to buy. You can feel their pathetic desire to control everything women do based on their judgmental, miserable attitudes.

Hey fuckers? I make my own money and I’ll spend it on whatever I goddamn please. That may either be jewellery, clothes or graphic novels and action figures…either way its none of your fucking business what I and other women do with our money so kindly go crawl in the holes you came from and stay there.

Quackers
Quackers
8 years ago

Which is such bullshit. Firstly because most non-working wives are doing thousands of dollars worth of childcare and housekeeping, and secondly because “you can’t spend your husband’s money on just having fun” means, to a woman with no money of “her own,” that she can never have any fun that requires money. It means that no matter how rich her husband is, she has to live like she’s impoverished, or beg for presents like a child.

which is exactly why I equate the marriages of yesteryear to be nothing short than slavery. Yeah you heard me NWO. A grown woman expected to work for nothing and beg for an allowance like a child does with their parents, it is slavery plain and simple. And before any trolls give me that excuse about how women should be thankful because they had a roof over their heads and were fed…try using that same bullshit excuse on African Americans and see what they have to say.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

It’s always funny how they don’t recognise that their own choices factor into their experiences with women. I don’t actually know any women IRL who’re prone to getting really wasted and pole dance at parties (partly because I don’t know anyone who has a pole in their home, where the parties tend to take place). I think I know maybe one woman who gets actual manicures (I actually know more men who get manicures than women). If you don’t want to date women who do certain specific things…pay attention to people’s habits when getting to know them, and make the choice not to date people whose habits annoy you. See how easy that is?

Quackers
Quackers
8 years ago

was reading a bit of the other thread that Meller was recently having the vapors in. I have never been so proud to be everything him and all the other men like him hate. Gives me a sense of pleasure really 😛

Seraph
Seraph
8 years ago

Small detail, I know, but what’s so horrible about a woman who pole dances at drunken parties? Mind you, I don’t speak from experience – neither of the women in my long-term relationships have been much for drunken parties – but it seems like someone in that raucous a mood is liable to mount you in the coat room. Is it the fear of a woman whose sex drive isn’t under his control?

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

The ex who went all MRA on me said more than once that I should never expect unconditional love from a human, and that if I wanted “unconditional love,” I should get a dog. This was the same man who expected forgiveness carte blanche, no matter how hatefully he felt like treating me at any given moment.

…Nope.

Quackers
Quackers
8 years ago

@Cassandra

the thing with these freaks is that I’d bet the only insight they get into women’s lives is from TV. I doubt they even associate with real life women. Or have any female friends. TV mainly shows vapid, beauty obsessed women and that’s where they get their ideas about women from. That or like asses like MRAL, only tend to notice the really gorgeous women who usually have to do the makeup/manicure/tanning/hair thing in order to fit that rigid mold of beauty. The women who don’t do those things are invisible. Non-existent.

That’s why it’s best to mock these douchebags. On one hand they criticize feminists for being ugly and hairy and unfeminine, on the other they criticize the women who put effort into looking good as shallow and vapid. These men are like whiny little children who don’t know what they want except to complain and bully, thus they should be treated as such.

Dani Alexis
Dani Alexis
8 years ago

@Seraph – It seems to me like a “fear of women who show sexual feelings or interest in any way of which the man who ‘owns’ her does not approve.” These guys seem to think a woman should be a “freak in the bed,” but only for *them* and only in they ways *they* want it.

I’m pretty convinced this is related to the use of slurs like “frigid whores,” which I can only interpret to mean “I hate you for having sexual feelings about people who are not me.”

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

” Is it the fear of a woman whose sex drive isn’t under his control?”

Yes, but also the fear of a woman whose behavior in general isn’t under his control. That’s why they like dogs better than cats – more trainable.

cloudiah
cloudiah
8 years ago

I don’t want people like this to have dogs around either. I doubt they’d be as good to them when they get old as Kyn (above) is — probably euthanize them at the first sign of old age. 🙁

mralieutenant
8 years ago

Quackers, I’ve said that I absolutely don’t just notice the most gorgeous women. I sure as hell can’t afford to do that! But even if I could, I wouldn’t, because I think a lot of people are beautiful. Not everyone, but I have a wide range of people (women) I like appearance-wise. And they only have to meet a certain (not high) standard before I’d forget about it, and then it’s down to personality. I even think women in their late 30s are attractive, and I’m 19! Don’t tell me my tastes are narrow. Average women are totally fine.

Creative Writing Student
Creative Writing Student
8 years ago

If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least) rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog. Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.

Every time someone equates ‘natural’ with good I get the urge to take away their laptops and mobile phones and house, and show them the results of ‘flu, or smallpox, or cholera. Human’s started disrupting the ‘natural order’ as soon as we invented tools, for crying out loud. This fallacy really gets on my nerves, and doubly so when it is being used so stupidly. You want to see a ‘natural’ dog? Here is a ‘natural’ dog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jXxtQRy47A

cloudiah
cloudiah
8 years ago

@CassandraSays Cats are very trainable! I’ve trained my kitkits to sleep in patches of sunlight, eat tuna, knock things off my nightstand when I’m trying to sleep, chase (real or imaginary) bugs, lick themselves and each other, etc. They’re really talented! 🙂

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

I get manicures occasionally! You know, with the money that I have. Women are allowed to have money now!

I’d say probably half of the time I go for a manicure, I go with my mom, whose accounts are all joint with her husband. I know, I know, you’re thinking: how dare she steal that money from him for her frivolous women things! That’s his man things money! Like scotch! He’s worked hard all of his life, he’s earned himself some expensive scotch! But I guess when they got joint accounts they figured that made it their money, not his money? I don’t know. They’re kind of weird.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Of course, to be totally fair, she earned a lot of that money in the workplace too. Stealing a man’s job, amirite guys?? Plus, it meant they had to share a bunch of the work in the home, including raising the bratty kids that weren’t even biologically his!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

The money thing is so funny.

“Too many women have jobs, which they have stolen from some man!”

“And yet, if they buy things, obviously they are doing so with their husband’s money!”

Now me, I don’t get manicures, but I’m the woman who buys the $300 jeans. With my own money, that I earned by working!

Leely
Leely
8 years ago

@Quackers

try using that same bullshit excuse on African Americans and see what they have to say.

You haven’t come across the “indentured servants/poor whites had it much worse than black slaves so making a big deal out of racism is REVERSE RACISM” screeds? There really is no level to which these people will not sink.

Apropos of the OP, I’m fairly certain that the lack of opposable thumbs is the only thing keeping one of my cats from taking over the world.

cloudiah
cloudiah
8 years ago

@Leely
Just a matter of time…
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8&w=560&h=315%5D

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

It is a pretty clear description of what abusive men expect in a relationship. A woman who is entirely focused on the mans wants needs and desires and has none of her own.
Not even a dog could live up to those unrealistic expectations, but unlike a woman they will always be happy to see you.

belledame222
8 years ago

ChiaPet. They probably could handle a Chiapet. Or maybe Sea Monkeys. Or a plant. -No, those need some tending, too.

Maybe a brick.

belledame222
8 years ago

@Quakers: I think you nailed it. Somehow, these dudes seem to have no acquaintance with any real, live women whatsoever. Not even romantic/sexual: ANY. I don’t know how they managed it, but apparently.

belledame222
8 years ago

For that matter: do any of them even have any friends?

Carling
8 years ago

Sorry, I know this is ridiculous – but a pole dancing dog video, a reference to Showgirls, and near-fifty comments, AND NOBODY HAS SAID “ELIZABETH BARKLEY.” I just don’t understand.

ersatzmoons
ersatzmoons
8 years ago

A grown woman expected to work for nothing and beg for an allowance like a child does with their parents, it is slavery plain and simple. And before any trolls give me that excuse about how women should be thankful because they had a roof over their heads and were fed…try using that same bullshit excuse on African Americans and see what they have to say.

This is from an American point of view.
I have an issue with the terminology used. Stating that women living and working in households for free, who have to ask for allowances, ignores women who were slaves. Enslaved women who, besides working for free, were used as slave producing factories for their owners, threatened with whips and rape and couldn’t leave their owners properties.

Not that white women during slavery (and all women after) weren’t considered property of their husbands, and were also in harm of being abused, it just is an entirely different social class that was held by women.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

I’ve been to parties with poles! 🙂

Thing is, though, if you look down on people for getting on the pole, then nobody’s going to get on the pole. And then everybody loses.

What’s best actually is when guys get on the pole too. Not just because male-attracted people get some entertainment (although that’s nice too), but because it breaks down the boundaries between “dancing” and “danced for.” It turns it from a pole dancing show into a pole dancing party. And then everybody wins.

pillowinhell
8 years ago

Whether or not these guys have friends (which I’m sure they do), they all have mothers. And that’s where the problem is. They want women to be interchangeable and as apparently selfless as their mothers were in their youth.

Think about it. When you were a child, what were you expected to do for your mother? You could slap together anything as a present and she’d be delighted, do anything to make your life easier or happier and wouldn’t leave you. This is of course, providing you had a halfway decent mother, not everyone is so lucky. (Hugs if that wasn’t you and you want some)

On the other hand, as a kid, you’re blithely unaware of her needs, have no idea what it takes for her life to run smoothly and you never have to do actual work to support any of her personal goals or dreams. You just be your sweet kiddo self and she does all the work.

I’m not complaining here, I wouldn’t trade being mom for all the gold in the galaxy. Its pretty fulfilling, but its not the only thing I want to achieve in my lifetime either. Somewhere along the line, I think its a mothers responsibility to show her children she’s a complete human being with a life of her own, and how to be supportive of of her as a person. Otherwise, we’re passing on some pretty self involved future partners to people we probably never wished to curse that way.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

(Addendum on pole dancing: obviously, equally important is giving the people the option to not pole dance. Because the guys who look down on women for pole dancing are usually the same ones who get super “come on, have some fun for once, you’re so uptight” when women don’t want to pole dance for them.)

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

Pillowinhell – I think the “my idea of women comes from my mother” thing also accounts for the shockingly common idea that women don’t do any work.

Because being a kid isn’t work, right? You get to play all the time!

And if you have a stay-at-home mom, she’s there with you during all this easy, no-responsibilities playtime. And you sorta figure it must be playtime for her too! The playground is a fun place, not a working place; Mom takes me to the playground; ergo, Mom must be having fun and not working!

I think a lot of these guys never got over that, and they grew from “feeding me dinner is exactly as fun for Mom as eating dinner is for me” straight into “if you don’t get interviewed and hired and paid for it then it’s not real work.”

pillowinhell
8 years ago

Ersatzmoons

I think that’s a good point there. I’m not black, but I can imagine that having black slavery experiences appropriated by other groups would be pretty angry making.

Um, anyone with more background in history? Perhaps indentured servitude would be a better analogy?

ersatzmoons
ersatzmoons
8 years ago

Holly, thank you for adding that addition. As the official uptight girl with boundaries issues at any social event, it’s upsetting how many people try to push me into things to “liberate” me and make sure “I’m” having fun.

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