At some point, you’ve probably all heard some douchebag offer some version of the following bit of misogynist humor: You shouldn’t call a woman a bitch because that’s an insult … to female dogs!
A traditionalist Christian named Walter Allen Thompson has expanded this dumb joke into an even dumber essay. And he seems to literally believe it. As he explains in the essay, which has been posted on the Very Dumb Government blog (and which I ran across thanks to a link from our pal MarkyMark):
[W]hen some of you call a woman a “bitch” think about what you are saying. The word “bitch” means a female dog. So if you are going to use the word with its true meaning, you would actually be insulting female dogs, because the dogs have better behavior than many women. … I would never insult my dog by calling Gloria Allred a “bitch”. … I would call her a feminist but not a bitch. The feminist movement has made many of our women unseemly wenches.
Walter clearly holds a much higher opinion of his dog:
I love my bitch and I don’t want to say anything to offend her. My bitch is sweet, my bitch is lovable, my bitch is kind, my bitch is considerate, and she hardly causes me any trouble.
And, and as we all know, ladies is trouble:
A dog will give a man unconditional love; whereas, a woman may or may not keep you around depending upon the prevailing winds. I don’t have to buy my dog a food dish lined with jewels…. My dog doesn’t run up a charge account at Macy’s, and she doesn’t spend $50.00 to do her nails. My dog doesn’t take drugs, drink alcohol, or crash my brand new car.
I don’t know from dogs, but if my cat were actually capable of any of these things, she would do them. That’s part of the charm of cats. They’re tiny little monsters – selfish, self-absorbed, amoral creatures we let into our homes because they’re cute, they’re fascinating, and they’re too small to kill us. Not that mine doesn’t try.
I wouldn’t put up with that from a human being, but I put up with it from my cat because she’s a cat, and had a rough childhood (she was abandoned) and doesn’t know any better. Generally speaking, people expect different things from their pets than from their romantic partners.
Well, not this guy:
All my dog needs is a little love, attention, and her food. Overall, the quality of life with my dog has far exceeded any relationship I have had with any woman. The value of any relationship depends upon unconditional love, and that’s more evident with my dog.
“Unconditional love” sounds nice in theory, but in practice as most of us know it’s really a pretty shitty idea. If someone behaves in a way that is unlovable – attacks you, deliberately poops on the couch, starts reading A Voice for Men — you’re not obligated to keep loving them. Loyalty is, by and large, a good thing, and most of us are willing to cut those we love a lot of slack, but no one should be expected to put up with intolerable behavior in the name of unconditional love. (Also, people sometimes fall out of love. I know, shocking.)
People demand a bit more from their loved ones than dogs do, and that’s a good thing. Also, people know things that dogs don’t, and that’s also good. Hitler’s dog loved him. But then again Hitler’s dog didn’t know he was Hitler. (Hitler returned this unconditional love by having poor Blondi killed just before he killed himself.)
Of course, our boy Walter knows that most love is not unconditional. Indeed, as we saw above, he’s got a long list of conditions — some reasonable, some not — that women will have to meet before he’ll be willing to even consider them over his dog. Here are some more of his conditions, which his dog fulfills but most women (in his mind) won’t:
She doesn’t mess with my mind; doesn’t say. She doesn’t tell me she loves me today, but tomorrow she wants a divorce. My dog doesn’t pole dance at drunken parties. My dog doesn’t pick up “stud muffins” at bars. My dog doesn’t make porno films. My dog doesn’t take me to court (you lawyers..don’t get any ideas) and she doesn’t make any unreasonable demands. It is a perfect relationship as I don’t have to entertain any of her relatives. My dog is my friend and not my adversary.
It’s a pretty revealing list. He’s upset not only by infidelity, but also by women changing their mind about things – “say[ing] yes today and no tomorrow.” (Saying “no” to what? Sex? Does he think he deserves the right to rape his wife?) His idea of a “perfect relationship” seems to be one in which he doesn’t have to deal with a woman’s wants, or desires, or even her relatives.
Walter rails against feminists and feminism, but it’s clear that he also has issues with traditional women actually expecting him to fulfill his role in a traditional male-breadwinner marriage.
If you want to know where you stand with a woman, just run out of money. If you have a woman that stays with you when you’re broke or in a setback, then you have a good one.
Here’s a hint: if you don’t want a woman to expect you to provide for her, don’t marry a woman who expects you to provide for her.
Also: try not feeding your dog for several days, and see how lovable she is after that. (Given the strange literal mindedness of so many misogynists, I should add: don’t literally do that. Just imagine doing it, in your head.)
If I was ever to consider getting married again, the woman would have to (at the very least) rise to the level of the behavior of my beautiful little dog. Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.
No, that’s ok. Stick to dogs for now.
EDITED TO ADD: As Molly Ren points out in the comments, it turns out that some dogs do pole dance. Heck, some even lick the stripper pole, like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. (Well, not exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls.)
I have said it before, and I will say it again, there is no bottom these idiots will not dig beyond.
So basically, what he wants in a girlfriend is someone who drools a lot, occasionally pees in completely inappropriate places, has been known to chew on the furniture, hates bathing, and enjoys greeting strangers by sticking her face in their crotches. Duly noted!
(I adore dogs, especially mine, but they are not exactly strong role models in anything other than “being super cute.”)
I don’t think this guy has actually met any women. Plus I like the “natural order of god” there at the end. keep those women in their place amiright?
So many horrible, tasteless, and disgusting jokes rose in my mind after reading these lines, but I’ll refrain from making any of them. 😛
Also, I was forced to google “pole dancing dog” after reading this, and there are videos. The Internet never disappoints.
Humans: they are more emotionally complex than pets, and have different needs.
Misandry!
I’m going to post this video because at least Cat Stevens loves you AS MUCH as his dog, not less.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWT2qHVftGk&w=420&h=315%5D
It always amuses me that the people who complain about women spending lots of money on fashion and beauty also complain when women are ugly.
I imagine if dogs could talk and express what’s on their minds, this guy would like them a lot less.
(as would most people, sadly)
“How come you can get on the couch and I can’t? And don’t say it’s because I’m shedding, because guess what? Humans shed all the time too. Skin flakes, helloooo?”
“Hey, I know I’m all muddy, but you really need to let me in. It’s going to get below freezing, and you can always mop the floor. I can’t really clean this off without a towel, you know.”
“I’m sorry, but euthanasia is against my religion. Why can’t you pay for my medicine like you would for humans?”
“How come when one of you guys gets hit by a car, it’s this big fucking hairy deal? All we get is a shovel and a garbage bag.”
“Smell is our main sense, and is beyond your imagining in power. When we’re intent on sniffing your crotch, don’t fucking question it.
My mother once had a dog that was such a perv that this dog actually taught a stray dog how to hump her properly by mounting him and demonstrating (she was also a senior dog at the time, the vet was shocked when our twelve year old dog birthed a fat puppy). Their opinion of dogs isn’t very in line with actual dog behavior either.
I love dogs, in large part because they do in fact have individual personalities. Dogs are idealized clones either.
Women are literally Satan.
It’s shit like this that makes me proud to be an atheist, for fucks sake.
I feel sorry for his dog.
Sorry about the wrong here, but it’s what came to mind when I read this post. (Song starts at 0.53)
Robots seem to be the only solution to these guys-as soon as they are done with whatever it is they want to do with a woman, they really seem to want to just stick her in a closet and not have to pay any attention to her.
Thing the first: *my* dog (a bitch, actually) loves to drink. We have to be careful if we have open beers around, cause she will be on them like flies on stink. So there.
Thing the Second: co-signing ozymadias42’s observation that the choice between “don’t spend money on your appearance” and “but don’t get fat or ugkly or old, either” is a giant pile of dog turds.
Thing the Third: 50$ to get your nails done? That’s a frakking bargain. My sister got married this past summer and between clothing and hair/makeup/nails etc it cost me over 1000$ to not look like the fat hairy manhater (ha!) I am in her pictures.
Ack. *ozymandias42. Sorry about that :/
I have an old dog who is going senile and blind. Surprisingly, I still manage to love him, even though he is costing me a lot of money, takes many drugs, doesn’t look good as good as he used to, doesn’t always recognize me or my other dog, and behaves erratically. Based on what he considers to be his dog’s “advantages”, I suspect that this guy doesn’t really value his dog for what she is..
…Also, comparing a relationship with another rational adult human to a relationship with a non-sapient creature who is dependent on you to meet all of its needs (and over whom you have the power of life and death!) is super-gross even if you treat your dog really really well.
Wow, I hope his dog doesn’t get sick and cost him money some day. Or act in a way he doesn’t want, such as getting into the garbage or peeing on the floor.
PS For someone who is bitching about women not giving him unconditional love, HIS love sure seems to be conditional.
Who cares what it costs to do my nails? (It costs me 99 cents each for a clipper and a file, anyway. On account of not all women are the same. But if I did get them done.) It’s my choice how I spend my money.
Unless, of course, you think that women shouldn’t have any money of their own, and they should only spend their husbands’ money on things of grave importance.
Which is such bullshit. Firstly because most non-working wives are doing thousands of dollars worth of childcare and housekeeping, and secondly because “you can’t spend your husband’s money on just having fun” means, to a woman with no money of “her own,” that she can never have any fun that requires money. It means that no matter how rich her husband is, she has to live like she’s impoverished, or beg for presents like a child.
It sounds superficially reasonable to say “don’t spend someone else’s money on yourself,” but when someone else’s money is the only money in your life, fuck, that’s no way to live.
“Dogs and animals stay within the natural order in which God created; many people do not.”
Cats were once worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this.
Men can have conditional love though….cuz um…because that is why!
I used to say that MRAs should just get a dog (preferably a Golden Retriever or something people pleasing like that – not, like, an Akita, or a Husky, which they clearly wouldn’t be able to cope with). After interacting with more of them this doesn’t seem like a good idea – they’ll just turn against the dog as soon as it displays any normal dog behavior.
No, what MRAs need is an AIBO. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIBO) That way it can be programmed not to do anything that will annoy them, and they don’t have to remember to feed it and get annoyed if it’s hungry. Plus if they do lose their shit and attack it, at least it’s not a live being with feelings and pain receptors.
one can only hope they only continue keeping the company of dogs and not any actual human women.
I’m sure the asshole has no problems picking up “sluts” at bars. Or WATCHING porno. Or shopping for electronic or sports memorabilia or whatever the hell macho traditional male types like to buy. You can feel their pathetic desire to control everything women do based on their judgmental, miserable attitudes.
Hey fuckers? I make my own money and I’ll spend it on whatever I goddamn please. That may either be jewellery, clothes or graphic novels and action figures…either way its none of your fucking business what I and other women do with our money so kindly go crawl in the holes you came from and stay there.
which is exactly why I equate the marriages of yesteryear to be nothing short than slavery. Yeah you heard me NWO. A grown woman expected to work for nothing and beg for an allowance like a child does with their parents, it is slavery plain and simple. And before any trolls give me that excuse about how women should be thankful because they had a roof over their heads and were fed…try using that same bullshit excuse on African Americans and see what they have to say.
It’s always funny how they don’t recognise that their own choices factor into their experiences with women. I don’t actually know any women IRL who’re prone to getting really wasted and pole dance at parties (partly because I don’t know anyone who has a pole in their home, where the parties tend to take place). I think I know maybe one woman who gets actual manicures (I actually know more men who get manicures than women). If you don’t want to date women who do certain specific things…pay attention to people’s habits when getting to know them, and make the choice not to date people whose habits annoy you. See how easy that is?
was reading a bit of the other thread that Meller was recently having the vapors in. I have never been so proud to be everything him and all the other men like him hate. Gives me a sense of pleasure really 😛
Small detail, I know, but what’s so horrible about a woman who pole dances at drunken parties? Mind you, I don’t speak from experience – neither of the women in my long-term relationships have been much for drunken parties – but it seems like someone in that raucous a mood is liable to mount you in the coat room. Is it the fear of a woman whose sex drive isn’t under his control?