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Warts and Peace: A trip into the fevered imagination of Christopher in Oregon

I am NOT illustrating this post with a picture of genital warts.

Not that long ago, the Man Going His Own Way who calls himself Marky Mark made an unnerving announcement: due to worries about his secret identity being uncovered, he was shutting down his blog!

Like a lot of Marky’s readers, I was alarmed and saddened by this news: Marky Mark, after all, was one of the most delightfully loopy MGTOW bloggers out there, as well as a regular publisher of the writings of the mysterious anti-sex crusader Christopher in Oregon.

Happily, Marky changed his mind almost instantly. He’s back, and posting like a motherfucker. And today, he graced us with one of his best posts ever: Genital Warts, by Christopher in Oregon.

Regular readers of Man Boobz know they’re in for a treat.  For newcomers to the writings of Christopher in Oregon, gird your loins, and your stomach, for a truly amazing outburst of disgusting misinformation! (For actual, legitimate information on genital warts, try here or here.)

Chris opens with a bang:

The effects of an aging or weakened immune system can be profound when it comes to genital warts. They can mass in huge cauliflower like piles, and grow to gigantic proportions. Once the immune system is on the decline, all bets are off. From what I’ve heard and read, the smell from genital warts can be horrific. Poop and other filth gets trapped beneath the blossoming tops, and is impossible to clean.

Combine that with Herpes sores, and you’ve got yourself quite a mess. I can only imagine trying to treat the pain of Herpes sores that are located on massive genital warts, all the while my penis is oozing green puss.

And now I’ve got that image in my brain.

So what can one do about these horrific dangers?

If you would be clean, if you would be healthy, if you would be wise, then renounce all sexuality!

Well, that’s one solution, I guess. It seems a tad drastic. It’s true that most sexually active people will get infected with Genital HPV (Human Papillomavirus) at some point, but in most cases this infection will go away within two years, and only 5% or so will develop warts. Which won’t look anything like Chris’ nightmare scenarios above. (Holly Pervocracy has a great little post on genital warts scaremongering here.)

But Chris goes further:

I admit I was deceived in recent years, and thought I could engage in the use of pornography.

WRONG!

ALL sex leads to physical decay.        

Is Chris really saying that people who masturbate to porn can give genital warts … to themselves?

Do you really want to lie in bed some day as an old men with twenty pounds of quivering warts dangling from your groin like some beast from “The Blob”? Maybe it will grow eyes and stare back at you…..?

Now Chris seems to be writing a screenplay for a David Cronenberg movie in his head.

It isn’t good enough to stay single. It isn’t good enough to not date. If a man would be strong, if a man would be wise, he must clear his mind of lust. Stop viewing porn. Stop watching ANY modern films or television shows.

STOP LISTENING TO ANY MODERN MUSIC, which seeks to enslave you with filthy lyrics and that filthy “beat”!

I listen to four to eight hours of classical music a day, sometimes more. It purifies the mind and soul.

Here is the most effective way to use classical music as a boner killer.

So, aside from a bit of the old Ludwig Van, how else can you strengthen your anti-sex resolve? Buy a bunch of medical textbooks and look at the pictures.

I remember the first time I heard about genital warts. I had gone to the Oregon State University Medical School bookstore, and bought some hideously expensive books on STDs. I was young. I was horny. But, I was still religious. I wanted to get laid. But, something was holding me back.

Regular readers of Christopher in Oregon may already have some theories as to what this might be, but let’s continue:

My parents warned me about women. They warned me about diseases, yet what did my parents know about HPV or Herpes? Nothing. Nor did I. I just knew that sex carried the risk of the STDs that were present back when my parents were young. Little did I suspect that the landscape had changed dramatically. New bugs abounded, like HIV, HPV, HSV and HCV.

So, I cracked open the books. I purchased more books. …

Then I saw them.

Warts. Big, juicy, oozing warts.

Crap. I remember the first time I looked at a picture of a homosexual man whose crotch was covered by a mass -a literal MASS- of genital warts. It looked like a Broccoli patch. Flowering all over the place. I was both mesmerized and horrified. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. My eyes were frozen to the page. The warts were just everywhere!

He was either reading medical textbooks or playing Halo:

Back to Chris:

I came to one conclusion right away: I would never engage in sexual intercourse again as long as I lived. (I had only tried it once when I was 21 with a Mormon woman)

Somehow I suspect that didn’t work out too well for her either.

Something in me triggered a defensive mechanism of sorts. (Sort of like what happens when you are out in the forest and you see 1200 pounds of angry grizzly bear barreling towards your sorry ass. You climb a tree and hope for the best)

That’s right. Mormon women are like BEARS!!

I knew I didn’t have all of the answers, but in spite of my lust and constant erections, I knew I didn’t want THAT sort of thing obscuring the view I had of my tallywacker.

Let’s just skip the bits in which Chris waxes poetic about cancer, penectomy, tongues falling off,  and people “trying to yank off bloody chunks of warts” from their crotches.

The grand conclusion:

Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my body. Granted, it’s not as young as it once was. I can’t get erections as easily as I used to, and sometimes not at all. But it’s THERE. Dangling at half mast, but it’s still MINE. All mine. It’s not lying in a garbage can in the operating room waiting to be thrown out with the other medical waste.

So, think long and hard boys. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Deist or whatever. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that there IS a God, and He does NOT wanting people perverting His system of procreation. I do believe He has a temper, as well as a slightly warped sense of humor.

The cost of sex is simply too high these days. Keep it in your pants.

That’s right, fellas: God wants you to hate and fear women and their icky bodies. He invented sex, but doesn’t want you to engage in it. He invented the penis just so he could decorate it with warts.

Is God a Diety Going His Own Way?

Clear your brain with this peppy little tune from days gone by:

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CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

The ToadLight – coming soon to a web store near you.

pillowinhell
pillowinhell
8 years ago

It really just depends on what his training or natural sense of musicality is. If he’s not intuitive, or inclined to emotionally connect to music and he has no training in the background history of the music he’s listening to (and how it was received by the audiences it was written for) then.. He doesn’t hear the sexuality and erotism it expresses.

There are innumerable scores of music considered too explicit for ladies to listen to in the times they were first performed. Many of said ladies “fainted” or became hysterical they were so swept up in the music.

Hell, there’s Christian music he can’t listen to because the praises to God are written in the same manner a person would write a letter to a lover. Though this style of writing was more common in the medieval period (I think).

katz
8 years ago

The phrase “bumping uglies” comes to mind.

Rutee Katreya
8 years ago

I listen to four to eight hours of classical music a day, sometimes more. It purifies the mind and soul.

Man, that just makes me think of what amazing studs some classical folks were. In condensed, hilarious form:

http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php?id=302

Butterfly Knife Ma99ie

“…It isn’t good enough to stay single. It isn’t good enough to not date. If a man would be strong, if a man would be wise, he must clear his mind of lust. Stop viewing porn. Stop watching ANY modern films or television shows…”

Sounds like Hugo Schwyzer or Tom Mattack….

Common Nonsense
Common Nonsense
8 years ago

I approve of your choice of webcomic, Rutee.

Anyway, as someone who is looking into being a doctor and is not in the least bothered by most photography of such things (usually), I just had to laugh my ass off.

Common Nonsense
Common Nonsense
8 years ago

Also, somebody show this guy some of the more lewd Nickelback songs. His head might explode.

SaruGoku
SaruGoku
8 years ago

Does this guy actually listen to classical music? Even purely instrumental music is full of amazingly lovely eroticism and opera? The Ring Cycle? Carmen? Boheme? Anything written by Mozart?

And I wonder if he’s listened to Ravel’s Bolero recently.

Also, there’s an easy way to avoid STIs. Wear a condom, get tested regularly and encourage your partners to do likewise. There’s also a vaccine for HPV, but I suppose guys like this want that banned.

Crumbelievable
Crumbelievable
8 years ago

Next week, Chris will warn us about the dangers of pussy trolls

darksidecat
8 years ago

Purity bear guy’s a plushie.

Also, crumbelievable, the best part of whore bear isn’t the bear itself, but the sales description:

Our plush WHORE Teddy Bear is a cutie in his own message-WHORE Teddy Bearing t-shirt and festive red and blue ribbons. Here’s a great gift for Valentine’s Day, baby showers, birthdays, get well-wishes, a pair of wedding WHORE Teddy Bears, or any reason you dream up. Put a smile on someone’s face. Just grin and WHORE Teddy Bear it!

I’m just imagining a couple at their wedding opening a gift to find a pair of those bears now.

clairedammit
clairedammit
8 years ago

They can mass in huge cauliflower like piles

Gobi Manchurian!

thebewilderness
thebewilderness
8 years ago

I for one am shocked that he does not warn the unwary of the dangers of listening to erotic classical music.
Some of it was very controversial at the time it was composed! He is oblivious of the terrible danger he is subjecting himself to, poor thing.

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

You know what if he values his penis enough that he doesn’t want it to be temporarily concealed within a woman’s vagina we should respect that….lol.

You can really tell that he old school religous with all the penis worship. But wait, that’s idolatry which is BLASPHEMY. You burn in hell you penis worshipper. Because this is an ironic hell the theme will be female reproductive organs. Oh I am evil.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Someone really should point out to him that penis worship is a form of idolatry. Jesus wouldn’t approve at all.

belledame222
8 years ago

I suspect trolling, also, but: damn that pesky Poe’s Law. Either way: EPIC.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

The thing with MRA’s is that the normal “trolling or just insane?” determination process doesn’t work, because some of them are so nuts that it’s impossible to exaggerate enough to be clearly unrealistic.

belledame222
8 years ago

“tallywacker.” Troll.

belledame222
8 years ago

also that little note about God having a warped sense of humor.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Have you met David K Meller yet? He’d be quite capable of writing that with a straight face.

belledame222
8 years ago

Yeah, but would he think it was *funny?* and not a tragedy? eh, you may be right. I JUST CAN’T TELL ANYMORE *sob*

belledame222
8 years ago

I’m still hoping that one of these days, every single MRA blogger will reveal themselves to have been trolling, and we’ll all have a good laugh.

ME TOOOOOOO

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

That’s what I’m saying. The sheer batshit insanity of MRAs has rendered them immune to satire. For every ridiculous thing that a would-be satirist writes, you can find an actual MRA saying something even more ridiculous and meaning it.

Noadi
8 years ago

Someone really should point out to him that penis worship is a form of idolatry. Jesus wouldn’t approve at all.

The hammer Jesus is my penis.

Noadi
8 years ago

And by messing up the tag to put a line through “hammer” I messed up my joke. *sigh*

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

Speaking as a classical musician, I just want to note in passing that my personal favorite madrigal, dating from the mid-1500s, is about how awesome orgasms are and how the speaker would ideally like to have a thousand orgasms every day.

Classical Music: Totally Not Sexy. Totally.

BoggiDWurms
8 years ago

[quote]Speaking as a classical musician, I just want to note in passing that my personal favorite madrigal, dating from the mid-1500s, is about how awesome orgasms are and how the speaker would ideally like to have a thousand orgasms every day.

Classical Music: Totally Not Sexy. Totally.[/quote]

Also, weren’t Mozart and Beethoven risque for their day? Mozart’s music was considered too emotional and extravagant and children at the time were deemed unsuitable to listen to Beethoven’s music.

They were also very progressive for their time. They were pro-republic and pro-equality for minorities and for the poor, and were against the nobility and organized religion. They both had their own unique spirituality. Mozart was a Freemason, and Beethoven’s beliefs encompassed pantheism, Ancient Egyptian theology, and Hinduism, particularly in his later years.

And all of this applies in many ways to other avant-garde composers. Even Haydn was a Freemason.

I would advise dear Christopher in Oregon to stay far away from these dangerous radicals. They were the John Lennon and Jim Morrison of their days.

BoggiDWurms
8 years ago

“That’s what I’m saying. The sheer batshit insanity of MRAs has rendered them immune to satire. For every ridiculous thing that a would-be satirist writes, you can find an actual MRA saying something even more ridiculous and meaning it.”

MRAs. Rending the Onion useless.

speedbudget
speedbudget
8 years ago

Does this guy know that one of the dumbest things you can do if you are confronted with an angry bear is climb a tree? Bears can climb trees. NOW YOU ARE TRAPPED IN A TREE WITH AN ANGRY BEAR.

pillowinhell
pillowinhell
8 years ago

Not only can bears climb trees, they are easily able to push over some very big trees.

The best thing to do when encountering an angry bear is to teleport to safety.

ithiliana
8 years ago

Re the association of ‘classical’ with pure (and non-sexual): the same bizarre idea exists in the idea that classical literature should be taught because PURE AND MORAL, not this evil contemporary stuff.

Only people who’ve never read the complete (as opposed to bowdlerized versions ofen taught) can say that because classical literature: sex, drugs, violence, incest, cannibalism, war, rock and roll!

It’s great!

Alpha Asshole Cock Carousel
Alpha Asshole Cock Carousel
8 years ago

Mixolydian may have been sexy at one point, but then Jerry Garcia spent his entire career noodling in that mode, rendering it far, far less sexy.

AbsintheDexterous
8 years ago

Purity Bear seems less like he was trying to get that guy to save himself for marriage and more like he wanted him to save himself for Purity Bear.

So Purity Bear is actually Pedobear in a bear suit disguise?

Myoo
Myoo
8 years ago

Stop!
Hammer Jesus Time!

Can’t touch dick (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh)
Can’t touch dick (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh)

My-my-my music hits me so hard
Makes me say “oh my Lord”
Thank you for blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two hyped feet

Break it down

bekabot
bekabot
8 years ago

“I came to one conclusion right away: I would never engage in sexual intercourse again as long as I lived. (I had only tried it once when I was 21 with a Mormon woman)…”

Mormon women sure seem to have a crappy time of it. First Twilight and now this.

“That’s right. Mormon women are like BEARS!!”

Again with the BEARS…

BoggiDWurms
8 years ago

“Re the association of ‘classical’ with pure (and non-sexual): the same bizarre idea exists in the idea that classical literature should be taught because PURE AND MORAL, not this evil contemporary stuff.”

Ahem! Marquis de Sade.

manboobzfan1968
manboobzfan1968
8 years ago

In agreement with Polliwog, if, as the sun goes down near the Ponte dei Sospiri, another human being whispers to you “Di mille mort’ il di sarei contendo” then that is SO NOT SEXY.

/snark off

Comrade Svilova
Comrade Svilova
8 years ago

Wow, that Mozart aria about he magical orgasm-giving boyfriend? Hot. Check out this performance:

Comrade Svilova
Comrade Svilova
8 years ago

*The magical, orgasm-giving bf, I mean.

Joanna
8 years ago

At least he’s so turned off sex he probably won’t ever spawn offspring, right?

Right???

ozymandias42
8 years ago

Ithiliana: See, this is why we need to give America’s children a proper classical education. After they’re read Catullus, Petronius, Ovid, Aristophanes, Plato, and Sappho, they’ll never say shit about the classics encouraging purity and morality again.

BRING BACK GREEK AND LATIN! (shakes cane)

BTW, my favorite line in the Satyricon is loosely translated as “he’s such a slut even the dogs don’t escape his house unbuggered.”

zhinxy
8 years ago

ozymandias – I’m learning latin now and dont’ wish it on the children!! I did love ovid aristophanes and all the crew in dirty translations as a kid, though. XD

ozymandias42
8 years ago

Zhinxy: The moral translations SUCK so bad, though. I mean, I was in high school before I learned that in– oh, fuck, some Aristophanes play, can’t remember– the line I’d read in the translation as “our politicians are all immoral and obscene” is actually something like “our politicians are all cocksuckers and buttboys.”

zhinxy
8 years ago

Hah! Well, I was very careful to select unbowdlerized* as possible as a discerning highbrow pervy kid! And when we had a middle school drama/history of theater teacher, he was very, very averse to anything but the rough versions, so we were lucky there.

*Fun fact – Bowdlerized comes from actual Bowdlers, who actually Bowdlerized things, Shakespeare, to be exact. Also, they were hardcore, they didn’t just take the sex out as much as they could, they changed Lear’s “Rumble they bellyfull!” to the heavens into “Rumble thy fill” – Digestive noises are indelicate!

zhinxy
8 years ago

PS- Doesn’t Harold Bloom or another of the big literary critics have a big rant about how the unwashed masses only like Bolero cause it sounds like the rhythm of humping?

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

In agreement with Polliwog, if, as the sun goes down near the Ponte dei Sospiri, another human being whispers to you “Di mille mort’ il di sarei contendo” then that is SO NOT SEXY.

/snark off

You recognized my favorite madrigal! Yay you! *approves of you*

It’s totally the prettiest song ever written about having lots and lots of orgasms. 🙂

Pecunium
8 years ago

Idolotry isn’t blasphemy. Blasphemy is a really specific offense (the cursing of God with the name of God) which is almost impossible to commit; without specific intent.

Most of what gets called blasphemy is actually heresy, or sacrilege.

zhinxy
8 years ago

Ah, yes, but much heresy can get wrapped back up under Blasphemy, especially if you’re talking the 13th century- Vatican 1 definitions, and then you get into Common Law as understood by such!

zhinxy
8 years ago

There was a lot of double-dipping back into blasphemy charges along with heresy when you look at the old court records,and even today you’ve still got Heretical Blasphemy “God is a Monster” Imprecatory Blasphemy, “Down with God” and Contumacious Blasphemy, “Great work, here, god. Especially the tapeworms” , more or less in descending order.

So while Blasphemy in common parlance covers a multitude of sins and other things that aren’t even sins in Aquinas’ book, it’s still a net that covers a lot of heresy and sacrilege.

viola
8 years ago

In one of the big UK LARPs, I play an angel. Sometimes I sing the mortal followers of the gods a song. The verses are heretical (portraying the characteristic errors of each faith as if they were the orthodoxy) and the chorus is blasphemous (accusing the gods of being responsible for all the ills of the verses by reason of drunkenness).
You get some very strange looks when you’re an angel cheerfully singing heresy around a campfire.