Not that long ago, the Man Going His Own Way who calls himself Marky Mark made an unnerving announcement: due to worries about his secret identity being uncovered, he was shutting down his blog!
Like a lot of Marky’s readers, I was alarmed and saddened by this news: Marky Mark, after all, was one of the most delightfully loopy MGTOW bloggers out there, as well as a regular publisher of the writings of the mysterious anti-sex crusader Christopher in Oregon.
Happily, Marky changed his mind almost instantly. He’s back, and posting like a motherfucker. And today, he graced us with one of his best posts ever: Genital Warts, by Christopher in Oregon.
Regular readers of Man Boobz know they’re in for a treat. For newcomers to the writings of Christopher in Oregon, gird your loins, and your stomach, for a truly amazing outburst of disgusting misinformation! (For actual, legitimate information on genital warts, try here or here.)
Chris opens with a bang:
The effects of an aging or weakened immune system can be profound when it comes to genital warts. They can mass in huge cauliflower like piles, and grow to gigantic proportions. Once the immune system is on the decline, all bets are off. From what I’ve heard and read, the smell from genital warts can be horrific. Poop and other filth gets trapped beneath the blossoming tops, and is impossible to clean.
Combine that with Herpes sores, and you’ve got yourself quite a mess. I can only imagine trying to treat the pain of Herpes sores that are located on massive genital warts, all the while my penis is oozing green puss.
And now I’ve got that image in my brain.
So what can one do about these horrific dangers?
If you would be clean, if you would be healthy, if you would be wise, then renounce all sexuality!
Well, that’s one solution, I guess. It seems a tad drastic. It’s true that most sexually active people will get infected with Genital HPV (Human Papillomavirus) at some point, but in most cases this infection will go away within two years, and only 5% or so will develop warts. Which won’t look anything like Chris’ nightmare scenarios above. (Holly Pervocracy has a great little post on genital warts scaremongering here.)
But Chris goes further:
I admit I was deceived in recent years, and thought I could engage in the use of pornography.
WRONG!
ALL sex leads to physical decay.
Is Chris really saying that people who masturbate to porn can give genital warts … to themselves?
Do you really want to lie in bed some day as an old men with twenty pounds of quivering warts dangling from your groin like some beast from “The Blob”? Maybe it will grow eyes and stare back at you…..?
Now Chris seems to be writing a screenplay for a David Cronenberg movie in his head.
It isn’t good enough to stay single. It isn’t good enough to not date. If a man would be strong, if a man would be wise, he must clear his mind of lust. Stop viewing porn. Stop watching ANY modern films or television shows.
STOP LISTENING TO ANY MODERN MUSIC, which seeks to enslave you with filthy lyrics and that filthy “beat”!
I listen to four to eight hours of classical music a day, sometimes more. It purifies the mind and soul.
Here is the most effective way to use classical music as a boner killer.
So, aside from a bit of the old Ludwig Van, how else can you strengthen your anti-sex resolve? Buy a bunch of medical textbooks and look at the pictures.
I remember the first time I heard about genital warts. I had gone to the Oregon State University Medical School bookstore, and bought some hideously expensive books on STDs. I was young. I was horny. But, I was still religious. I wanted to get laid. But, something was holding me back.
Regular readers of Christopher in Oregon may already have some theories as to what this might be, but let’s continue:
My parents warned me about women. They warned me about diseases, yet what did my parents know about HPV or Herpes? Nothing. Nor did I. I just knew that sex carried the risk of the STDs that were present back when my parents were young. Little did I suspect that the landscape had changed dramatically. New bugs abounded, like HIV, HPV, HSV and HCV.
So, I cracked open the books. I purchased more books. …
Then I saw them.
Warts. Big, juicy, oozing warts.
Crap. I remember the first time I looked at a picture of a homosexual man whose crotch was covered by a mass -a literal MASS- of genital warts. It looked like a Broccoli patch. Flowering all over the place. I was both mesmerized and horrified. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. My eyes were frozen to the page. The warts were just everywhere!
He was either reading medical textbooks or playing Halo:
Back to Chris:
I came to one conclusion right away: I would never engage in sexual intercourse again as long as I lived. (I had only tried it once when I was 21 with a Mormon woman)
Somehow I suspect that didn’t work out too well for her either.
Something in me triggered a defensive mechanism of sorts. (Sort of like what happens when you are out in the forest and you see 1200 pounds of angry grizzly bear barreling towards your sorry ass. You climb a tree and hope for the best)
That’s right. Mormon women are like BEARS!!
I knew I didn’t have all of the answers, but in spite of my lust and constant erections, I knew I didn’t want THAT sort of thing obscuring the view I had of my tallywacker.
Let’s just skip the bits in which Chris waxes poetic about cancer, penectomy, tongues falling off, and people “trying to yank off bloody chunks of warts” from their crotches.
The grand conclusion:
Now, I don’t know about you, but I like my body. Granted, it’s not as young as it once was. I can’t get erections as easily as I used to, and sometimes not at all. But it’s THERE. Dangling at half mast, but it’s still MINE. All mine. It’s not lying in a garbage can in the operating room waiting to be thrown out with the other medical waste.
So, think long and hard boys. Whether you are Christian, Jewish, Deist or whatever. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that there IS a God, and He does NOT wanting people perverting His system of procreation. I do believe He has a temper, as well as a slightly warped sense of humor.
The cost of sex is simply too high these days. Keep it in your pants.
That’s right, fellas: God wants you to hate and fear women and their icky bodies. He invented sex, but doesn’t want you to engage in it. He invented the penis just so he could decorate it with warts.
Is God a Diety Going His Own Way?
Clear your brain with this peppy little tune from days gone by:
Why do I know in my heart of hearts and am willing to bet the farm that this guy is also against HPV vaccinations for the girls?
I call troll.
…Possibly one that’s successfully trolling Marky Mark, in which case, my hat tips to you, good sir.
It is a shame about the genital warts photographs that are used to scare kids away from sex, though. Dirty little secret: most of those photographs are of people with impaired immune systems. (Like “advanced AIDS” impaired, not like “starting to get old” impaired. If that’s even an impairment; healthy old people can have very good immune systems. Anyway.) You’re looking at a stage of infection that people with normal immune systems never reach. I wrote a post on this kind of anti-sex skulduggery: http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2011/08/barnacle-bill.html
Today I learned that masturbation leads to STDs. Why did nobody ever tell me this? Is it too late for me already?
wait
am I spared because I don’t have a penis? Does that mean I can masturbate and not get warts?
if he’s so anti-sex, why does he care if he doesn’t get erections as easily as he used to? isn’t this what he wants?
this sounds like some extremist Christian’s screed about purity and abstinence…but even then I’ve never heard them describe it so graphically :/
I think CinO’s (Encino man? I loved that movie) “textbook” was a nine-year-old boy of his acquaintance, and that this fount of knowledge probably added ninjas on top of the herpes and sharks on top of the ninjas.
And you wouldn’t want that, would you?
I kinda feel like David felt after reading all the comments on the spider thread. Why did I do that, *why*? o.O
Also,
Since I am *not* clicking over to that post, maybe David can tell us exactly how Chris thinks people keep making babies if “all sexuality” is off the table?
Is Christopher in Oregon any relation to Jesus’ General? He of the Morale Sheep?
I love how CinO is confessing the exact source of his irrational paranoia as if that’s an argument for why it’s real. It’s like saying “My parents took me to the circus when I was four and I was terrified. That’s how I know clowns are evil!”
If his sexual encounter actually happened, that was one seriously lapsed Mormon. They’re not known for sex before marriage, especially with a non-Mormon.
I’m so glad MarkyMark is still posting.
Oh, and how would CinO explain Lisztomania, if classical music is so pure and all?
Sounds like a really twisted up and confused asexual to me. His “sure I was horny…” bits sound like trying to convince and conect with his readers, rather than how he really feels.
To be fair, Katz, clowns ARE evil.
Holly, I added your link to the piece. Thanks!
Molly, all I can figure is that he still approves, sort of, of sex for procreation. But since he also seems to think all women are filthy whore-bears that all men should avoid, I’m not sure how he thinks procreation takes place, or even if he knows how procreation works. Maybe virgin births?
There are these nifty things called “condoms” that help to prevent this sort of stuff. They’re pretty neat.
Aloren, I think you may be right, Whatever his sexuality, “confused” is obviously a part of it.
Wait, masturbating can cause STDs?
…Fuck.
Yeah, that’s a great solution, Chris. Don’t use protection, don’t get tested regularly, the only real choice here is DENY YOUR BODY’S NATURAL URGES AND ABSTAIN FROM THE EVILS OF MODERN MUSIC.
It’s like some sort of scaremongering PSA video from the fifties.
Now we need Whore Bear t-shirts!
@Holly
I remember seeing what must have been one of those pictures (along with some more realistic ones) in an otherwise fairly reasonable sex-ed presentation given by a local sexual health clinic at my high school about two years ago. They then demonstrated the “get STD’s looked at as soon as possible and don’t be ashamed to visit us” point with a picture of a man who’d dipped his dick in the sort of disinfectant usually used for small cuts.
I didn’t mind too much, but a lot of other people did. I don’t really see the wisdom in showing a bunch of high school kids gruesome pictures that half of them will laugh at and the other half will be squicked out by. It didn’t really help the sex-is-horrible types to think otherwise (which is fine if they’re going to be abstinent, but if they’re not, it’s best they pay attention beyond “ew, gross”), didn’t illustrate that STD’s can be invisible well at all, and played the whole thing more as a freakshow than something realistically scary.
It was only the pictures that were really problematic, though. As mentioned earlier, it was a pretty fantastic bit of sex-ed compared to most stuff I’ve read people recounting online.
I foresee problems when Whore Bear meets Alpha Cock 😉
Googling “whore bear” pulls up an odd assortment of images:
http://images.google.com/images?q=whore+bear
I call troll.
…Possibly one that’s successfully trolling Marky Mark, in which case, my hat tips to you, good sir.
Probably no to both. I remember there being a popular school of fundie Christian thought in the ’80s and ’90s involving any music not using a standard 4/4 time being inherently evil. It often involved lurid descriptions of “African tribal beats” causing demonic possession and other such racist bullshit.
@Magpie
Tune in the same time, same channel next week as Whore Bear battles Alpha Cock in the barren wasteland of Pussy Pass!
@Schism
I remember reading something like that. IIRC, it wasn’t odd time signatures being objected to (waltzes and complex time were acceptable, though irregular time was probably suspect in being associated closely with European modernistic music) as much as syncopation.
Mormon Whore Bears would be a great
band name.
As someone whose first “porn” was comprised of medical textbooks, my advice: avoid the pages with the STD colorplates.
Also if you have a sudden painful twisting sensation in one of your nuts, go to the ER immediately because you probably have testicular torsion and need surgery right away.
Since I am *not* clicking over to that post, maybe David can tell us exactly how Chris thinks people keep making babies if “all sexuality” is off the table?”
Marky Mark, in his postscript, implies that avoiding Ameriskanks will solve this nasty wart problem. I am not convinced that CinO would share this exception, because “P-E-N-E-C-T-O-M-Y.”