You know what they say about stopped clocks – they’re right twice a day. The same is true with MRAs, though it happens a bit less frequently. Consider a Spearhead guest post from a while back titled Caveat Amator: Strategies for Men Before, During and After False Allegations, recently brought to my attention by Manboobzer extraordinaire Ami Angelwings, whose Escher Girls blog you should totally go look at.
The post, by Ken Kupstis, is mostly a bunch of standard-issue MRA hysteria about false allegations and evil false alleging ladies, complete with a bunch of possibly dubious legal advice.
But mixed in with the paranoia there’s some advice that is actually quite sensible and that, if followed, will not so much help men avoid false rape accusations as help keep them from raping women.
In the section of the post dealing with that supremely fraught all-caps moment BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, Kupstis recommends that men stop and ask themselves a few questions:
Is she SOBER? Very inebriated women may claim to want or even demand sex, but it may be wise to see if “that was the alcohol talking”.
Good advice! Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent to sex! If you have sex with someone who’s wasted (or unconscious), that is actually rape, and you may well find yourself the target of a real rape accusastion – nothing false about it.
Has she verbally consented to sex? It is better to ask “Do you want to make love?” and receive a positive response then to merely assume she’s consenting to sex via body language.
Also good! Consent should be crystal clear. People who actually do want to have sex with you will not be offended if you ask to make sure! If you’re worried that someone will say no if you ask them directly, you should not be having sex with that person! If you ask and they do say no, respect that no. If your idea of “seduction” means pawing at and pressuring a woman until she gives in, you’re not a master of seduction. You’re a rapist.
Does she display or claim enthusiasm for BDSM (bondage and sadomasochism) activities? As exciting as it may seem, do not permit a barely-known woman to handcuff you to anything (that you can’t break loose from on your own)!
Also good advice! Don’t let someone you barely know anything about put you in handcuffs! (No ethical BDSMer will try to pressure you into anything like this.) Here’s the thing: Because of the inherent dangers of bondage and whipping and other such activities, BDSM has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. BDSMers know this.
And that’s why the BDSM community has set in place safeguards to try to prevent this from happening — essentially codifying an explicit bunch of rules and practices to make sure that everyone involved in a BDSM session has consented at every step of the way. (This can sometimes mean literally filling out a checklist before the start of a session.) The slogan? “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”
Which is a pretty good slogan for sex in general. As sex blogger Clarisse Thorn notes, even those who would never dream of trying anything kinky can learn a lot from the ways in which the BDSM deals with the issue of consent — and incorporate this into their own sex lives. (Even the checklists, if you so desire!)
Kupstis continues on with this theme:
Does she claim to ‘like it rough’? Even if so, that claim does not obligate you to play rough. No matter how insistent she may be, you should not bruise or break the skin.
Also good advice. You are not obliged to “play rough” with a partner if you don’t want to. (That’s how sexual consent works: everyone has veto power, at any point in time.) And you shouldn’t leave bruises, not with a first time partner and not unless you know they’re ok with that. Plenty of BDSM submissives don’t mind, and in some cases actually like bruises. But you need to ask first. See my comments about BDSM above.
During foreplay, or before or during coitus, does she ‘tense up’, act frightened or apprehensive? Does she cry? If so, she may have been previously raped or molested. Her sex drive still exists, but she may psychologically equate sex with pain, servitude or dishonor.
If a woman “tenses up,” seems scared, or otherwise freaks out during sex, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Aside from the reasons already listed, there are any number of other things that might cause someone to react like this. For example, you could be raping her. (Did you remember that bit above about getting clear consent?) Or, even if she did consent at first, she may have changed her mind (consent is an ongoing thing, and anyone can remove consent at any point for any reason). Or you may be hurting her. The list goes on.
Whatever the reason, STOP AT ONCE, comfort her (don’t confront her), and try to figure out what is going on. (This all applies regardless of gender and/or sexual oriantation.)
Other advice in the Spearhead piece doesn’t really bear on the rape issue, but is simple common sense:
Are you using Birth Control? Note that while she may claim to be using birth control, it does not automatically mean that she is…she may normally be on birth control but has forgotten to take it, or is experiencing a false period, or is using a form of birth control with a lower rate of effectiveness. Most of these factors have not legally excused men for having to pay child support, although they should.
Using birth control is good! If you are having sex with someone you don’t know well, you should use a condom, no matter what birth control they are using (or say that they are using).
Do you know her FULL NAME? (Thousands of men have only needed to hear “Hi, I’m Bambi”, and it’s good enough for them.)
Another good question to ask yourself! (Though admittedly some of us have probably broken this rule once or twice.) Knowing a bit about your sexual partner is always good!
Also, if she’s named Bambi, ask her if she’s an entomologist, because entomologists are cool.
My favorite Spearhead comment for this article comes from intp:
Geez. After reading this article I’d rather play catch with a beaker of nitroglycerine than get near a woman.
How about this? Until all the Communists, corrupting our institutions in the West, have been identified and expelled or executed just avoid women in the West.
Treat Western Women like the malignant cancer they have become.
Intp, I FULLY SUPPORT THIS STRATEGY FOR YOU. At least the part about you avoiding women (not so much the executions thing). Stay far, far away from women. And the rest of us, too, while you’re at it.
Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, intp’s comment (including the murder) got two dozen upvotes and no downvotes from the Spearhead crowd.
There are seven beings that are not Gods,
that existed before humanity dreamed of Gods,
that will exist after the last God is dead.
There are seven beings that exist because,
deep in our hearts, we know that they exist.
They are Dream, Death, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destiny and David Futrelle.
Dr. Kanin’s study was ridiculously poorly done; It found every accusation that did not result in conviction, even ones dropped (For any reason, including police bullying of the victim) well before things got to the arrest rate. It’s just trash to promote a misogynist meme that’s been around since at least the writing of the English Common Law. 8% is by itself a wildly unrealistic number going by the rates found for every other crime, but it’s actually within the realm of possibility.
Who says this, precisely? Quote quotes.
the innocence project doesn’t say that the rapes didn’t happen, wiseass; it says that the person who was convicted didn’t do it. Remember, we’re talking about people who were *actually convicted* for rape, so those were almost certainly stranger rape cases, not the far more common acquaintance rape (Because those rarely result in a conviction, because of asshats like you, among other things).
Toy Soldier doesn’t understand the words he reads and can’t help but twist them into his narratives. We’re familiar with him; he’s grade A lackwit.
I used to play with toy soldiers. They were very useful. I put them into trenches and used them to practice target shooting with an air rifle. Head shots at 30 meters.
Eugene Kanin was my cue to tune out Zek’s comment. Going back and reading it because of the responses, I see that my decision was justified. Except for the toysoldiers bit. That was amusing.
Pecunium,
Before I left I refreshed the page and couldn’t *help* but notice you putting words in my mouth.
And really! At your age!
How many men do you know who have been falsely accused?
I was falsely accused at the age of 18 after I dumped by 16 year-old girlfriend who stalked me, threatened me with physical violence, and then attempted to sue me for rape/statutory rape.
I know many more men, online and IRL who have similar experiences, and all the while were told that what happened to them is “rare” and, according to some the experience is a positive thing…
But we already established that it’s a common problem. You make vague claims towards bad methodological studies, but this ain’t scientific racism. Many organizations, even those who disbelieve the reality of false accusations have shown them to be common, as I pointed out to you earlier.
But that doesn’t matter to you earlier, right? Because you’ve been sexually active since 1983, and it’s never happened to you. And that’s all the evidence you need, right? You’re just another rape apologist it seems, since you’re making the same arguments.
I’m not an MRA (though I do participate in the MRM), and I never said, “fucking epidemic you say is ruining all men’s lives?” or “the scourge of the modern age” or “It happens! A lot! I heard of a guy once, who knew someone, who told a guy he had be falsely charged. He got lucky though, and beat the rap, which is how my friend’s buddy heard about it.”
Besides, you’ve never met a single person falsely accused of rape! And so there must not be any, right? Geez, I bet the existence of black swans must’ve REALLY surprised you, huh!
And notice, I never made an argument that false rape is the real problem and that rape isn’t. They’re BOTH problems, and they BOTH need to be dealt with. I figured at your age you could hold more than one issue in your mind…
If you want to hear about the cases though, as you sarcastically asked, then go READ. Go to the Innocence Project, go to Toysoldiers, go to TGMP, go to SAVE, go to the dozens of sites and bloggers talking about this issue that you’ve miraculously managed to remain ignorant of since 1983, despite Duke, Hofstra, and even the infamous Scottsboro.
Seriously, go learn something, because it’s just shameful how committed you are to your ignorance.
As for the article, it was about how to protect yourself when someone files a false claim against you. Not how to stop someone from making one. If someone wants to file one, they can at any time. But unless you have evidence, the law and courts of public opinion will consider you guilty unless proven innocent.
But hey! Now you know of someone who’s been falsely accused. So at least you can’t dismiss an entire problem because of that. Is your next argument that racism and misogyny don’t exist because you’ve never met anyone who suffered from it? Or are you just going to rely on more ageism to justify your ignorance about false rape claims?
Bleh, I should stop ranting like I said. Obviously I’m wasting my time. You’re like a reactionary conservative, inextricably committed to your own flawed, personal ideology.
In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, so it goes.
David Futrelle is actually a group of counseling students.
And lo! The troll quoted Kurt Vonnegut, and Deep Shit Was Said.
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape,
You don’t spit into the wind,
You don’t pull the mask off that old lone ranger,
And you don’t mess around with Jim.
David Futrelle wrote that song.
Duke, Hofstra, and even the infamous Scottsboro.
Huh. One of these things is not like the other. Can you guess which one and why?
Yeah, per his blog…he is not too bright.
I’ll give you a hint: only one actually involved a miscarriage of justice.
Another hint: the Scottsboro boys would have been quite pleased to have been treated like the Duke LaCrosse team, since they could have avoided three trials and many, many years in jail.
M Dubz, everyone deserves to see what you were referring to:
And that’s how a bill becomes a law!
Pecunium is hardly a rape apologist.
This new troll sounds like what Brandon would if he had read a book. Still got that “I’m so deep, man” thing about him.
Also, depending on the state, you may well have been guilty of statutory rape. Your false accusation story rings a tad hollow.
@Hellkell
It’s the show that keeps on giving!! Also, while I feel sorry for her, I can’t help but laugh at the irony of Soapie Pearson being busted for distribution by Baltimore PD wire taps!! I mean, how is real life NOT scripted?!!
Zek (and BTW, is that name meant to be evocative of зек?): So you were falsely accused. Were you arrested? She tried to sue you (a civil action) to deal with a statutory (i.e. criminal offense). Forgive me for being a trifle skeptical. What jurisdiction was this in?
You know “many more men”, who have told you things. How many have been arrested? How many have been charged?
That’s the issue. That’s what the OP this piece is about is telling people they can prevent. Actual charges; criminal proceedings. Not someone saying something to his, or her, friends. Police involvement.
And no, we haven’t established that it’s a common problem. You have alleged it. I’ve asked for proof. That’s a textbook case of it not being established (the tip-off is was the word, arguendo, it means I was accepting your term, for purpose of that piece of the debate; without accepting the veracity of it outside my response).
It does matter to me. It matters to be because the False Rape Activists (like yourself) are telling untruths (be it by intent, or just because they don’t have the skill to understand the flaws in the studies, or the rhetorical tricks of those they listen to). Yourself, for one, who confused people falsly convicted of real rapes, with those accused of false rapes.
Then you tried to use that number to extrapolate that some huge number of accusations are therefore false. I am willing to believe you are merely misguided, but you are still telling an untruth.
You are confusing, again, the rhetorical phrases I used to describe your argument. So I’ll put it into much simpler concepts.
This is advice for people who unfortunately feel the need for paranoia in their lives because they live in fear…
So, you are saying men are living in fear. Are you saying that fear is unjustified? No. You are arguing that those of us who say it’s not are incorrect.
That’s what I was mocking in my phraseology*.
Then you presume to take a fact: that I do not personally, in the course of the past 35 years or so know anyone falsely accused of raping a woman, and pretend it means something other than that. You tell me that means
Nice set of strawmen. I never said that it wasn’t a problem. I say it’s not the huge problem you claim it is. I think the numbers are about the same as for any other crime… somewhere between 2-6 percent of rape claims are false (not mistaken identity, but malicious accusations known to be about a crime which never happened). That’s bad.
But it’s not special. Which certainly doesn’t make me a rape apologist. It doesn’t even make me a false rape apologist. Show me where I said anyone false accused of rape has it coming?
You can’t. You may try to say that my comment about not getting consent is raping someone, but that’s not an apology for false rape. It’s an opinion about what constitutes actual rape.
And notice, I never made an argument that false rape is the real problem and that rape isn’t.
And notice that I never said you did. Again with the strawmen.
Ignorant? You are telling me to read Toysoldier? You are telling me to go read the Innocence Project, some more (to whom I donate money, and to whom I encourage others to do the same), when you can’t actually bother to accurately report what they are doing?
Because you are confusing my thinking the problem is a lot less important than you do, with thinking it’s no problem at all.
But hey! Now you know of someone who’s been falsely accused.
Again with the strawmen. I never said I know of none. I said that I personally don’t know anyone. I further used that as support for my position that, while any false accusation is a terrible thing, the incidence of ralse rape is much less than you are presenting it. If, of all the men I know (including a lot of soldiers, and seamen and Marines), none have been falsely accused; in the course of something like 35 years… it’s hard to believe that the levels of paranoia you are saying are understandable, are actually in response to the actual problem.
*brownie points if you get the reference
The sad thing is that he, like so many others, assume that claim=conviction for a million years.
Time to get my kosher butt back to NSWATM and other more rational parts of the blogosphere.
You do know that I’m a contributor there right? xD
Zek was falsely accused?
How is he still alive? How does he have money to afford a computer or the internet? o_O
addendum: If you were 18, and having sex with a person below the age of consent in the jurisdiction in which you lived… you weren’t falsely accused of statutory rape.
If you were over 18, and crossed a state line (in the US), and then had sex with a person under the age of 18, you may have been in violation of the Mann Act, and so committed a federal offense, equivalent to statutory rape.
Just an FYI, since you seem a bit unclear on what, “false” mean in terms of accusations.
As for the article, it was about how to protect yourself when someone files a false claim against you. Not how to stop someone from making one.
From the article, to intro the section David was quoting from:
Perhaps the best defense against false accusations would not to be giving anyone a reason to make one against you.
oops xD
Dang it people, stop being all logical and sensible at him…he cannot take it!
The Enterprise cannae take anymore, captain! But David Futrelle can.
He’s dead, David Futrelle.
David Futrelle always has been and always will be your friend.
David Futrelle knows when to leave an argument.
Only David Futrelle can prevent forest fires.