You know what they say about stopped clocks – they’re right twice a day. The same is true with MRAs, though it happens a bit less frequently. Consider a Spearhead guest post from a while back titled Caveat Amator: Strategies for Men Before, During and After False Allegations, recently brought to my attention by Manboobzer extraordinaire Ami Angelwings, whose Escher Girls blog you should totally go look at.
The post, by Ken Kupstis, is mostly a bunch of standard-issue MRA hysteria about false allegations and evil false alleging ladies, complete with a bunch of possibly dubious legal advice.
But mixed in with the paranoia there’s some advice that is actually quite sensible and that, if followed, will not so much help men avoid false rape accusations as help keep them from raping women.
In the section of the post dealing with that supremely fraught all-caps moment BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, Kupstis recommends that men stop and ask themselves a few questions:
Is she SOBER? Very inebriated women may claim to want or even demand sex, but it may be wise to see if “that was the alcohol talking”.
Good advice! Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent to sex! If you have sex with someone who’s wasted (or unconscious), that is actually rape, and you may well find yourself the target of a real rape accusastion – nothing false about it.
Has she verbally consented to sex? It is better to ask “Do you want to make love?” and receive a positive response then to merely assume she’s consenting to sex via body language.
Also good! Consent should be crystal clear. People who actually do want to have sex with you will not be offended if you ask to make sure! If you’re worried that someone will say no if you ask them directly, you should not be having sex with that person! If you ask and they do say no, respect that no. If your idea of “seduction” means pawing at and pressuring a woman until she gives in, you’re not a master of seduction. You’re a rapist.
Does she display or claim enthusiasm for BDSM (bondage and sadomasochism) activities? As exciting as it may seem, do not permit a barely-known woman to handcuff you to anything (that you can’t break loose from on your own)!
Also good advice! Don’t let someone you barely know anything about put you in handcuffs! (No ethical BDSMer will try to pressure you into anything like this.) Here’s the thing: Because of the inherent dangers of bondage and whipping and other such activities, BDSM has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. BDSMers know this.
And that’s why the BDSM community has set in place safeguards to try to prevent this from happening — essentially codifying an explicit bunch of rules and practices to make sure that everyone involved in a BDSM session has consented at every step of the way. (This can sometimes mean literally filling out a checklist before the start of a session.) The slogan? “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”
Which is a pretty good slogan for sex in general. As sex blogger Clarisse Thorn notes, even those who would never dream of trying anything kinky can learn a lot from the ways in which the BDSM deals with the issue of consent — and incorporate this into their own sex lives. (Even the checklists, if you so desire!)
Kupstis continues on with this theme:
Does she claim to ‘like it rough’? Even if so, that claim does not obligate you to play rough. No matter how insistent she may be, you should not bruise or break the skin.
Also good advice. You are not obliged to “play rough” with a partner if you don’t want to. (That’s how sexual consent works: everyone has veto power, at any point in time.) And you shouldn’t leave bruises, not with a first time partner and not unless you know they’re ok with that. Plenty of BDSM submissives don’t mind, and in some cases actually like bruises. But you need to ask first. See my comments about BDSM above.
During foreplay, or before or during coitus, does she ‘tense up’, act frightened or apprehensive? Does she cry? If so, she may have been previously raped or molested. Her sex drive still exists, but she may psychologically equate sex with pain, servitude or dishonor.
If a woman “tenses up,” seems scared, or otherwise freaks out during sex, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Aside from the reasons already listed, there are any number of other things that might cause someone to react like this. For example, you could be raping her. (Did you remember that bit above about getting clear consent?) Or, even if she did consent at first, she may have changed her mind (consent is an ongoing thing, and anyone can remove consent at any point for any reason). Or you may be hurting her. The list goes on.
Whatever the reason, STOP AT ONCE, comfort her (don’t confront her), and try to figure out what is going on. (This all applies regardless of gender and/or sexual oriantation.)
Other advice in the Spearhead piece doesn’t really bear on the rape issue, but is simple common sense:
Are you using Birth Control? Note that while she may claim to be using birth control, it does not automatically mean that she is…she may normally be on birth control but has forgotten to take it, or is experiencing a false period, or is using a form of birth control with a lower rate of effectiveness. Most of these factors have not legally excused men for having to pay child support, although they should.
Using birth control is good! If you are having sex with someone you don’t know well, you should use a condom, no matter what birth control they are using (or say that they are using).
Do you know her FULL NAME? (Thousands of men have only needed to hear “Hi, I’m Bambi”, and it’s good enough for them.)
Another good question to ask yourself! (Though admittedly some of us have probably broken this rule once or twice.) Knowing a bit about your sexual partner is always good!
Also, if she’s named Bambi, ask her if she’s an entomologist, because entomologists are cool.
My favorite Spearhead comment for this article comes from intp:
Geez. After reading this article I’d rather play catch with a beaker of nitroglycerine than get near a woman.
How about this? Until all the Communists, corrupting our institutions in the West, have been identified and expelled or executed just avoid women in the West.
Treat Western Women like the malignant cancer they have become.
Intp, I FULLY SUPPORT THIS STRATEGY FOR YOU. At least the part about you avoiding women (not so much the executions thing). Stay far, far away from women. And the rest of us, too, while you’re at it.
Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, intp’s comment (including the murder) got two dozen upvotes and no downvotes from the Spearhead crowd.
David’s coming!! David’s coming yo!! Aiyyo David’s coming!!
*whistled A-hunting-we-will-go floats on the wind*
David Futrelle doesn’t. roll. on. SHABBAS!
David Futrelle SET the gold standard!
David’ll be coming around the mountain when he comes, when he comes!
David’ll be coming around the mountain when he comes!
We will kill the old red rooster when David comes, when he comes!
We will kill the old red rooster when David comes!
Zek: We read the article, and the OP here about it. We even responded to it.
But really, apart from the stupid legal advice, talking about David Futrelle is a lot more relevant than your opinions.
But I’ll play… how many thousands of men were charged with rape based on a false accusation last year?
Of those falsely charged, how many were falsely convicted?
Because that’s the metric I use when deciding how much fear I need to have about a legal issue. How likely is what I do to cause me to deal with legal repercussions.
Makes me wonder what these guys are doing that rape is the thing they worry about the cops coming to their door to ask about.
@ Zeks
“This is advice for people who unfortunately feel the need for paranoia in their lives because they live in fear”
Really? I read everything that David posted up there as eminently reasonable advice for anyone who is sexually active to follow. I follow most of that advice in my own sex life, and it’s not out of fear that I’ll be falsely accused of rape. The fact that they bill this as “advice to prevent false rape accusations” is troubling to me, however, for reasons explained earlier in the thread.
Also: David Futrelle is a horse, David Futrelle is a horse! Look at him dance, look a look at him go look a look at him dance like a horse!
<blockquoteBut then again, he’s also telling men how to protect themselves and how to proceed if someone FALSELY accuses them of rape.
You know, I was sure reading back that you would try your absolute hardest to downplay this, not raise it.
Comparing something that doesn’t really happen to sexual assault, which affects a significant minority of women. Stay classy.
I’ll give you that, but you’re aware that it’s disingenuity that *makes you look better*, right?
Not a whole lot, as evidenced by your post.
Zek: I wanted to add… it’s a bit disingenuous to pretend that the things anti-rape activists have been saying for years are good ways to prevent rape; are suddenly different when they are being used to prevent accusations of rape.
You know why? Because if you do those things, you won’t be charged with real rape. If you don’t do those things, the charges won’t be false.
David Futrelle understands that an article that advises men “destroying a phone to prevent from reporting a crime can be itself a crime” is not actually talking about false accusations.
In honor of his comment on another thread:
David Futrelle stole Yogi Bear’s pic-a-nic basket!
And made off with Boo-Boo too!
@Precunium: “If you don’t do those things, the charges won’t be false.”
DINGDINGDINGDING we have a winner! Please accept a freshly baked internet in the flavor of your choosing.
@Shadow: You come at the Futrelle, you best not miss.
M Dubz: I’ll take mine which tastes like, “Enthusiastic Consent”.
@ Precunium: Enthusiastic consent is a dish best served… hot? And enthusiastically?
And occasionally with warm chocolate sauce.
Pecunium,
We read the article
Really? Because you sure failed at responding to it if all you can come up with is more David Futrelle faux-facts.
how many thousands of men were charged with rape based on a false accusation last year?
According to the FBI the number of false accusations is around 8%. Dr. Kanin found around 41% for his study. A study with the Air Force had 27% of theirs as false, and a second study put the number even higher at 60%.
Interestingly, there is also a large amount of people who are falsely accused of abuse, a crime which often overlaps with rape due to the bad definitions of rape we currently have in our legal system. SAVE has some very interesting stats on the issue where at least three quarters of all false accusations were levied against men. Seven in ten false accusers were female. Indeed, we now know that nearly half (around 40%) of all domestic violence victims are men.
And this DESPITE the fact that most rape centers, and domestic violence shelters do not accept the reality that men can be raped, are raped, and also falsely accused of rape.
Clearly, false accusations are common.
However, I do agree with you that actual rape is far more common than false accusations of rape. But if frequency were the only factor in whether we care when someone is victimized, then surely nobody would have raised money for Japan after the tsunami.
Of those falsely charged, how many were falsely convicted?
Unfortunately no one has done a nation-wide study on the issue, often because our victim meta-narrative rarely includes people wrongfully convicted. But the Innocence Project has found that the overwhelming majority of the over 200 people they’ve exonerated through DNA evidence were falsely convicted for rape.
And to make this topic even more depressing is the fact that false rape accusations are a racialized crime. Black & Hispanic men are the ones who suffer from false rape accusations, from the Scottsboro Boys to Hofstra. And, again, data from the Innocence Project supports this reality. And even more depressing is that it is often White women making the false accusations against Men of Color.
So in answer to your ignorance, may I suggest that you study up? Because you are woefully misinformed. I suggest starting with Toysoldiers.
To the other commenters who responded to my comment… Same for you all as well.
But I digress, I feel the beginnings of flamers coming out the woodworks. Time to get my kosher butt back to NSWATM and other more rational parts of the blogosphere.
Aren’t half the NSWATM contributors regulars of manboobz as well? I fail to see how that could be inherently ‘more rational’.
Zeks, you were sort of ok until you suggested we started out at Toysoldier’s to get educated.
But hey, I’ll give you props for even acknowledging men of color. They don’t exist to the majority of MRAs.
According to the FBI the number of false accusations is around 8%. Dr. Kanin found around 41% for his study. A study with the Air Force had 27% of theirs as false, and a second study put the number even higher at 60%.
Non-responsive.
But, accepting your contention (arguendo), how many men do you know who have been falsely accused? Seriously, if this is such a pressing problem, where are the cases? Where are these thousands of men; in this crime which is, according to the study you want to believe, the most prevalently accused with falsity and malice? Why is the plight of so many people, languishing in prison for something they didn’t do; for which there is no evidence, for which all there is the allegation of a woman?
Because I’ve been alive a long time. I’ve been all over the country, and I’ve never met one. I’ve known people falsely arrested for other crimes (myself among them). But this terrifying prospect, this fear which has men trembling in paranoia (so scared they are telling each other to get consent first) has never gotten anyone I know arrested.
It’s confusing to me. I keep hearing people like you declaiming it as the scourge of the modern age. A witch hunt, with almost uncountable numbers of men swept up in the dragnet of women who had regrets the morning after and got their one-night stand thrown in jail…
But when pressed all you can say is… “It happens! A lot! I heard of a guy once, who knew someone, who told a guy he had be falsely charged. He got lucky though, and beat the rap, which is how my friend’s buddy heard about it.”
I’m sorry that you can’t read the actual content of the piece, and are hung up on the framing the author used; but the if you look at the substance… it’s not how to avoid false rape accusations; it’s about how to avoid rape. It’s got some bullshit thrown in on how to try and skate on a real rape charge, but nothing in it can prevent a false one.
That’s the whole point of a false one… it’s false. The accuser is lying. They don’t need you to really rape them to make the charge. Hell, they don’t even need you to touch them. It’s false, remember? If s/he knows a time you have no alibi… then you are in deep doo-doo IF, false rape charges were all that big a deal.
So… where are the victims? Where are these thousands of men the FRA types (like yourself) keep talking about? Not weak studies with poor methodology, such as the one you are trying to cite), but the actual victims. The one’s whom we know were falsely accused? The fucking epidemic you say is ruining all men’s lives?
The one I (a man, sexually active since 1983) have never worried about… despite having more than the average number of partners.
I must be a bloody miracle… I mean all those women I had sex with didn’t even need to make up the sex part.
Why am I not in jail?
Because “False rape” isn’t the problem. Real rape is.
You are conflating two different criminal subsets-one is rape and the other abuse. They may have things in common but they are not the same.
Fixed that for you. These are not men who were falsely accused-they were wrongly accused. Being wrongly accused does not mean the person making the accusation was lying-it means that either the prosecutor charged the wrong person. It is very sad but it happens as no system is perfect.
What a nonshock, you came on here, made a false claim, and now are running away because you are being called on lying. Perhaps if you had, oh I do not know, read the post, comprehended it and bothered to not conflate two separate crimes while simultaneously claimed that people wrongly convicted of rape were falsely accused, then maybe you would not feel the need to run away.
Wait… But I digress, I feel the beginnings of flamers coming out the woodworks. Time to get my kosher butt back to NSWATM and other more rational parts of the blogosphere.
You toss an accelerant into the room, light a match, and the say you need to leave because the “flamers” are going to come and be all unreasonable.
Go on, pull the other one. Because what I see is you knowing you can’t back up the claims you made, and trying to claim some moral high ground before the floodwaters cover you.
Good luck with that.
@Hellkell
State Attorney: And what do you do Mr. Futrelle?
David: I rips em one
State Attorney: You…?
David: I mock the Manosphere
I’m still laughing over his recommendation of TS’s blog.
@Shadow: all while wearing a garish tie as a nod to dressing for court. Loved that show.