You know what they say about stopped clocks – they’re right twice a day. The same is true with MRAs, though it happens a bit less frequently. Consider a Spearhead guest post from a while back titled Caveat Amator: Strategies for Men Before, During and After False Allegations, recently brought to my attention by Manboobzer extraordinaire Ami Angelwings, whose Escher Girls blog you should totally go look at.
The post, by Ken Kupstis, is mostly a bunch of standard-issue MRA hysteria about false allegations and evil false alleging ladies, complete with a bunch of possibly dubious legal advice.
But mixed in with the paranoia there’s some advice that is actually quite sensible and that, if followed, will not so much help men avoid false rape accusations as help keep them from raping women.
In the section of the post dealing with that supremely fraught all-caps moment BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, Kupstis recommends that men stop and ask themselves a few questions:
Is she SOBER? Very inebriated women may claim to want or even demand sex, but it may be wise to see if “that was the alcohol talking”.
Good advice! Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent to sex! If you have sex with someone who’s wasted (or unconscious), that is actually rape, and you may well find yourself the target of a real rape accusastion – nothing false about it.
Has she verbally consented to sex? It is better to ask “Do you want to make love?” and receive a positive response then to merely assume she’s consenting to sex via body language.
Also good! Consent should be crystal clear. People who actually do want to have sex with you will not be offended if you ask to make sure! If you’re worried that someone will say no if you ask them directly, you should not be having sex with that person! If you ask and they do say no, respect that no. If your idea of “seduction” means pawing at and pressuring a woman until she gives in, you’re not a master of seduction. You’re a rapist.
Does she display or claim enthusiasm for BDSM (bondage and sadomasochism) activities? As exciting as it may seem, do not permit a barely-known woman to handcuff you to anything (that you can’t break loose from on your own)!
Also good advice! Don’t let someone you barely know anything about put you in handcuffs! (No ethical BDSMer will try to pressure you into anything like this.) Here’s the thing: Because of the inherent dangers of bondage and whipping and other such activities, BDSM has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. BDSMers know this.
And that’s why the BDSM community has set in place safeguards to try to prevent this from happening — essentially codifying an explicit bunch of rules and practices to make sure that everyone involved in a BDSM session has consented at every step of the way. (This can sometimes mean literally filling out a checklist before the start of a session.) The slogan? “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”
Which is a pretty good slogan for sex in general. As sex blogger Clarisse Thorn notes, even those who would never dream of trying anything kinky can learn a lot from the ways in which the BDSM deals with the issue of consent — and incorporate this into their own sex lives. (Even the checklists, if you so desire!)
Kupstis continues on with this theme:
Does she claim to ‘like it rough’? Even if so, that claim does not obligate you to play rough. No matter how insistent she may be, you should not bruise or break the skin.
Also good advice. You are not obliged to “play rough” with a partner if you don’t want to. (That’s how sexual consent works: everyone has veto power, at any point in time.) And you shouldn’t leave bruises, not with a first time partner and not unless you know they’re ok with that. Plenty of BDSM submissives don’t mind, and in some cases actually like bruises. But you need to ask first. See my comments about BDSM above.
During foreplay, or before or during coitus, does she ‘tense up’, act frightened or apprehensive? Does she cry? If so, she may have been previously raped or molested. Her sex drive still exists, but she may psychologically equate sex with pain, servitude or dishonor.
If a woman “tenses up,” seems scared, or otherwise freaks out during sex, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Aside from the reasons already listed, there are any number of other things that might cause someone to react like this. For example, you could be raping her. (Did you remember that bit above about getting clear consent?) Or, even if she did consent at first, she may have changed her mind (consent is an ongoing thing, and anyone can remove consent at any point for any reason). Or you may be hurting her. The list goes on.
Whatever the reason, STOP AT ONCE, comfort her (don’t confront her), and try to figure out what is going on. (This all applies regardless of gender and/or sexual oriantation.)
Other advice in the Spearhead piece doesn’t really bear on the rape issue, but is simple common sense:
Are you using Birth Control? Note that while she may claim to be using birth control, it does not automatically mean that she is…she may normally be on birth control but has forgotten to take it, or is experiencing a false period, or is using a form of birth control with a lower rate of effectiveness. Most of these factors have not legally excused men for having to pay child support, although they should.
Using birth control is good! If you are having sex with someone you don’t know well, you should use a condom, no matter what birth control they are using (or say that they are using).
Do you know her FULL NAME? (Thousands of men have only needed to hear “Hi, I’m Bambi”, and it’s good enough for them.)
Another good question to ask yourself! (Though admittedly some of us have probably broken this rule once or twice.) Knowing a bit about your sexual partner is always good!
Also, if she’s named Bambi, ask her if she’s an entomologist, because entomologists are cool.
My favorite Spearhead comment for this article comes from intp:
Geez. After reading this article I’d rather play catch with a beaker of nitroglycerine than get near a woman.
How about this? Until all the Communists, corrupting our institutions in the West, have been identified and expelled or executed just avoid women in the West.
Treat Western Women like the malignant cancer they have become.
Intp, I FULLY SUPPORT THIS STRATEGY FOR YOU. At least the part about you avoiding women (not so much the executions thing). Stay far, far away from women. And the rest of us, too, while you’re at it.
Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, intp’s comment (including the murder) got two dozen upvotes and no downvotes from the Spearhead crowd.
David Futrelle is the past and future owner of Ewing Oil.
David once delivered a baby, performed heart surgery and landed a disabled plane without breaking a sweat.
David Futrelle made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
When they needed a diagram for The Pattern, in Amber, they used David Futrelle’s DNA.
David Futrelle is the only person who vacations on the Sun.
David Futrelle moved my cheese.
When David Futrelle was a young boy, his father took him into the city.
David Futrelle is just a small town girl
Living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
David Futrelle is cool and froody and he knows where his towel is.
I’m confused. Did anyone here actually read the article as it was posted? (I mean, except Toysoldiers, who posted an excellent rebuttal piece.)
True, much of the advice can be used to prevent raping someone, and that includes women who rape men. (Because unfortunately, the caveat must always be given in a country where men supposedly cannot be raped.) And also true, much of the advice is extremely aggressive and hyper-paranoid.
But then again, he’s also telling men how to protect themselves and how to proceed if someone FALSELY accuses them of rape. This is advice for people who unfortunately feel the need for paranoia in their lives because they live in fear, just like so many women who consistently look out for Schrodinger’s Rapist. (And please note that I remind you that the article is about, and stated itself to be, and continuously talks about, how to protect ones self from being falsely accused of rape, and the options available to you if you are so falsely accused.)
Now, while Futrelle here does engage in snark for the viewers, it is disingenuous at best — or a failure to read at worst — to say that an article about protecting yourself from false rape claims is suddenly something else entirely, even for humorous reasons having nothing to do with misogyny.
But what do I know… I only read the article in context.
And this advice is particularly important for men who suffer from domestic violence (especially since men account for almost half of all domestic violence incidents) because their abusers — who are overwhelmingly women — use tactics like false-rape claims to hide their actions, win custody, humiliate, hurt, and otherwise continue their abuse!
But what do I know… I only recognize the gendered way we treat victims.
Anyhoo, if I may suggest? Go back and read the article — actually read the article, in context, without your presumption — and though you’ll probably still feel the same way, it’ll be helpful in broadening your mind to a world where yes, men are victims too, and so they look for ways to protect themselves.
Or just go back to making up more snarky things about Futrelle. Apathy is pretty popular these days.
David Futrelle suggested design changes to the Death Star, but the Empire didn’t listen.
David Futrelle overcame the BORG!
David Futrelle will follow you into the dark…and bring you back.
What if David Futrelle was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, trying to make his way home?
The drummer for Spinal Tap choked to death on Dave Futrelle’s vomit.
In fact, “Stumpy Dave” Futrelle was the only drummer for Spinal Tap who didn’t die in mysterious circumstances.
David Futrelle is the reason Saturday Night is Alright For Fighting.
Nobody puts David Futrelle in a corner.
David Futrelle taught Bruce Springsteen how to ride a motorcycle!
Speaking of MRAs being accidentaly right, Omegavirginrevolt has spoken out against racism and antisemitism. He only does that to argue that feminists are really racists, but he is willing to take on other MRAs on the issue of race. He calls out that Hawaiian Libertarian on his antisemitism and documents how Hawaiian Libertarian believes in antisemitic literature like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. David, the parts about Hawaiian Libertarian’s anti-semitism would make for a good post.
In the beginning, there was nothing…then David Futrelle came and punched that nothing in the face.
David Futrelle is a mighty man, the kind of man you never disrespect.
He stands 8 foot tall, wears glasses, and he has a third nipple on the back of his neck.
David Futrelle wants a shoehorn, the kind with teeth.
David Futrelle knew the bride when she used to rock and roll.
David Futrelle Stuffed Martha’s Muffin.
David Futrelle smells like teen spirit.