You know what they say about stopped clocks – they’re right twice a day. The same is true with MRAs, though it happens a bit less frequently. Consider a Spearhead guest post from a while back titled Caveat Amator: Strategies for Men Before, During and After False Allegations, recently brought to my attention by Manboobzer extraordinaire Ami Angelwings, whose Escher Girls blog you should totally go look at.
The post, by Ken Kupstis, is mostly a bunch of standard-issue MRA hysteria about false allegations and evil false alleging ladies, complete with a bunch of possibly dubious legal advice.
But mixed in with the paranoia there’s some advice that is actually quite sensible and that, if followed, will not so much help men avoid false rape accusations as help keep them from raping women.
In the section of the post dealing with that supremely fraught all-caps moment BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, Kupstis recommends that men stop and ask themselves a few questions:
Is she SOBER? Very inebriated women may claim to want or even demand sex, but it may be wise to see if “that was the alcohol talking”.
Good advice! Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent to sex! If you have sex with someone who’s wasted (or unconscious), that is actually rape, and you may well find yourself the target of a real rape accusastion – nothing false about it.
Has she verbally consented to sex? It is better to ask “Do you want to make love?” and receive a positive response then to merely assume she’s consenting to sex via body language.
Also good! Consent should be crystal clear. People who actually do want to have sex with you will not be offended if you ask to make sure! If you’re worried that someone will say no if you ask them directly, you should not be having sex with that person! If you ask and they do say no, respect that no. If your idea of “seduction” means pawing at and pressuring a woman until she gives in, you’re not a master of seduction. You’re a rapist.
Does she display or claim enthusiasm for BDSM (bondage and sadomasochism) activities? As exciting as it may seem, do not permit a barely-known woman to handcuff you to anything (that you can’t break loose from on your own)!
Also good advice! Don’t let someone you barely know anything about put you in handcuffs! (No ethical BDSMer will try to pressure you into anything like this.) Here’s the thing: Because of the inherent dangers of bondage and whipping and other such activities, BDSM has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. BDSMers know this.
And that’s why the BDSM community has set in place safeguards to try to prevent this from happening — essentially codifying an explicit bunch of rules and practices to make sure that everyone involved in a BDSM session has consented at every step of the way. (This can sometimes mean literally filling out a checklist before the start of a session.) The slogan? “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”
Which is a pretty good slogan for sex in general. As sex blogger Clarisse Thorn notes, even those who would never dream of trying anything kinky can learn a lot from the ways in which the BDSM deals with the issue of consent — and incorporate this into their own sex lives. (Even the checklists, if you so desire!)
Kupstis continues on with this theme:
Does she claim to ‘like it rough’? Even if so, that claim does not obligate you to play rough. No matter how insistent she may be, you should not bruise or break the skin.
Also good advice. You are not obliged to “play rough” with a partner if you don’t want to. (That’s how sexual consent works: everyone has veto power, at any point in time.) And you shouldn’t leave bruises, not with a first time partner and not unless you know they’re ok with that. Plenty of BDSM submissives don’t mind, and in some cases actually like bruises. But you need to ask first. See my comments about BDSM above.
During foreplay, or before or during coitus, does she ‘tense up’, act frightened or apprehensive? Does she cry? If so, she may have been previously raped or molested. Her sex drive still exists, but she may psychologically equate sex with pain, servitude or dishonor.
If a woman “tenses up,” seems scared, or otherwise freaks out during sex, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Aside from the reasons already listed, there are any number of other things that might cause someone to react like this. For example, you could be raping her. (Did you remember that bit above about getting clear consent?) Or, even if she did consent at first, she may have changed her mind (consent is an ongoing thing, and anyone can remove consent at any point for any reason). Or you may be hurting her. The list goes on.
Whatever the reason, STOP AT ONCE, comfort her (don’t confront her), and try to figure out what is going on. (This all applies regardless of gender and/or sexual oriantation.)
Other advice in the Spearhead piece doesn’t really bear on the rape issue, but is simple common sense:
Are you using Birth Control? Note that while she may claim to be using birth control, it does not automatically mean that she is…she may normally be on birth control but has forgotten to take it, or is experiencing a false period, or is using a form of birth control with a lower rate of effectiveness. Most of these factors have not legally excused men for having to pay child support, although they should.
Using birth control is good! If you are having sex with someone you don’t know well, you should use a condom, no matter what birth control they are using (or say that they are using).
Do you know her FULL NAME? (Thousands of men have only needed to hear “Hi, I’m Bambi”, and it’s good enough for them.)
Another good question to ask yourself! (Though admittedly some of us have probably broken this rule once or twice.) Knowing a bit about your sexual partner is always good!
Also, if she’s named Bambi, ask her if she’s an entomologist, because entomologists are cool.
My favorite Spearhead comment for this article comes from intp:
Geez. After reading this article I’d rather play catch with a beaker of nitroglycerine than get near a woman.
How about this? Until all the Communists, corrupting our institutions in the West, have been identified and expelled or executed just avoid women in the West.
Treat Western Women like the malignant cancer they have become.
Intp, I FULLY SUPPORT THIS STRATEGY FOR YOU. At least the part about you avoiding women (not so much the executions thing). Stay far, far away from women. And the rest of us, too, while you’re at it.
Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, intp’s comment (including the murder) got two dozen upvotes and no downvotes from the Spearhead crowd.
I’m loving it.
There’s a lot of tacit admission here that “false” rape accusations don’t come just from random lady lies, but from women, uh… misinterpreting your consensual sex with her as rape.
But if paranoia about “false” rape accusations is what it takes to sell these ideas, fuck, I’m all for it. Get explicit enthusiastic consent from women, or they might “false” rape accuse you, fellas! You gotta protect yourselves!
To the ladies
And you wonder where all the good men have gone? Avoiding western women LOL
I guess it’s no misandry when a man says it?
It’s not misandry since the whole point is to keep a man out of jail and his name clean, not this silly respect and decency that stop a dick from getting wet.
I think that’s good, we’ve finally agreed to disagree. We (including feminist and law) call that rape, they (including MRAs and douche-bags) call that false accusation, but we’re talking about the same thing and the consequences are the same, and so it the conclusion: don’t do it.
Yeah, I think that’s exactly right. Also, I think in their brains “consensual sex” = “I wanted it and she didn’t scream or anything”. Because ladies are there for sex, duh!!! Consent is the thing that happens when the woman “lets” the man have sex with her, you don’t need to check for anything else.
*shudder* The sheer self-defensive delusion here freaks me out. Especially since I believed it while on the receiving end.
“Sure, I was crying and curled up in a fetal position afterward… but HOW COULD HE HAVE KNOWN IT WASN’T OKAY????”
Took me YEARS to unlearn that!
Isn’t this pretty much the core of the MRA belief system? Most of them aren’t actually insane enough to believe the shit that, say, NWO does. They know perfectly well what’s actually going on, they just choose to pretend otherwise, as demonstrated on rare occasions such as this where they’re worried about actual consequences.
I’m pretty sure that they know that most of what they advocate is both socially unacceptable and complete nonsense. That’s why they’re permanently pissed off.
It never ceases to amaze me that in 2012 “Communists” are still a devious and powerful boogieman to some people.
The thing is, this is clearly about avoiding actually raping women, because if it were a FALSE rape accusation and you got her explicit verbal consent, she could just… say you didn’t get explicit verbal consent. I mean, because it’s false and she’s making it up.
Yeah, damn those Western women and their delusions of “agency.”
Well this is going to put a major dent in my false accusation plans.
What am I supposed to do for the weekend now?
Why only women in the West? It is unlikely that women elsewhere enjoy rape either.
And there are feminists in most other countries of the world.
You could walk around spitting on betas. That’s always a good fallback plan.
Oh yeah. Spitting on betas would be an excellent alternative.
“Why only women in the West? It is unlikely that women elsewhere enjoy rape either.
And there are feminists in most other countries of the world.”
Because although these guys are smart enough to know that the “false” rape accusations they whine about aren’t actually false at all, as shown by the advice above, they’re also selfish and evil enough not to care if they think they can get away with it, such as in countries where (they assume) the government doesn’t care about rape, especially if it’s rich foreigners doing it.
Firstly because, in general, women in the West enjoy more rights than women in developing countries (or even developed countries in, say, the Middle East). Second, the racist narrative that the White Man’s word will be more respected than that *insert racist epithet of your choice*.
Refreshing, I needs to do it!
And, I guess corollary to women having more rights, is the evolution and refinement of how we see consent and women’s sexual desires.
This guy was so busy trying to scare his audience he basically gave them the worst advice he could surrounding the really sensible advice.
I worry it is because he cannot actually just give the sensible advice without loading it with crap because the Spearhead readership will not pay attention to it.
Although he does give some grossly inaccurate information about the law and I do not think that disclaimer is enough.
If I have to be expelled, do I least get to pick the place? I’m thinking Provence or Tuscany. Heck, I’ll settle for Vancouver.
I love how he gives out advice on how to not rape not because he actually cares about not raping women, but to cover his own ass from all the evil women just waiting to falsely accuse for shits and giggles.
and intp’s comment just translates to “I cant club a woman over the head and drag her by the hair to the cave anymore? fuck that!”
It’s almost as if the universe is just balancing things out by keeping these freaks away from women. Like Holly said, if it encourages anti-rape then yea…we’re all out to falsely accuse your so grrrr…argh…better watch out!
Oh and according to a commenter on the Spearhead us evil feminists are behind SOPA and PIPA too. Ugh. Nothing we can’t ruin amirite u gaiz?
“Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent …”
So according to Futrelle, men are not people?
It’s worth pointing out that the DURING A FALSE ACCUSATION section is, pardon my misandrist slur, creepy as fuck. It’s basically pseudo-legal advice for abusing a woman.
“Careful, disagreeing with me is against the law. The law against First Degree Mouthiness.”
In what goddamn scenario are you smashing a phone to avoid a false accusation? That’s so clearly not what this is about.
In other words, try and create the MRA fantasyland of court as a “someone’s going to jail today, who will it be?” situation in which failure to secure a conviction leads directly to punishment of the accuser. Or at least convince your victim (who may be quite unsure she’s been “really abused,” as is common in people even with bruises on their faces) that she’s in that fantasyland.
HAHAHAHA NO. I mean, I’m not a pretend Internet lawyer, but no, warrants are not Freeze Tag, and all your problems don’t just go away if you hide for a week or two.
This is pretty much Abuser 101 here. Nothing about this advice requires the accusation to be false.
So according to Anthony Zarat, he cannot read. Or comprehend. Or notice that it says that a drunk *person* cannot consent.
If men were not people, Futrelle would have said “women cannot consent” but he did not. So obviously the fault is with the reader and not the author.
AntZ: Go away, the grown ups are trying to talk.