Categories
antifeminism evil women false accusations MGTOW misogyny MRA rape the spearhead

The Spearhead accidentally gives men some good advice about rape

"I cannot fucking believe I'm reading this on The Spearhead." "I know, right?"

You know what they say about stopped clocks – they’re right twice a day. The same is true with MRAs, though it happens a bit less frequently. Consider a Spearhead guest post from a while back titled Caveat Amator: Strategies for Men Before, During and After False Allegations, recently brought to my attention by Manboobzer extraordinaire Ami Angelwings, whose Escher Girls blog you should totally go look at.

The post, by Ken Kupstis, is mostly a bunch of standard-issue MRA hysteria about false allegations and evil false alleging ladies, complete with a bunch of possibly dubious legal advice.

But mixed in with the paranoia there’s some advice that is actually quite sensible and that, if followed, will not so much help men avoid false rape accusations as help keep them from raping women.

In the section of the post dealing with that supremely fraught all-caps moment BEFORE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, Kupstis recommends that men stop and ask themselves a few questions:

Is she SOBER? Very inebriated women may claim to want or even demand sex, but it may be wise to see if “that was the alcohol talking”.

Good advice! Fact is, seriously inebriated people cannot consent to sex! If you have sex with someone who’s wasted (or unconscious), that is actually rape, and you may well find yourself the target of a real rape accusastion – nothing false about it.

Has she verbally consented to sex? It is better to ask “Do you want to make love?” and receive a positive response then to merely assume she’s consenting to sex via body language.

Also good! Consent should be crystal clear. People who actually do want to have sex with you will not be offended if you ask to make sure! If you’re worried that someone will say no if you ask them directly, you should not be having sex with that person! If you ask and they do say no, respect that no. If your idea of “seduction” means pawing at and pressuring a woman until she gives in, you’re not a master of seduction. You’re a rapist.

Does she display or claim enthusiasm for BDSM (bondage and sadomasochism) activities? As exciting as it may seem, do not permit a barely-known woman to handcuff you to anything (that you can’t break loose from on your own)!

Also good advice! Don’t let someone you barely know anything about put you in handcuffs! (No ethical BDSMer will try to pressure you into anything like this.) Here’s the thing: Because of the inherent dangers of bondage and whipping and other such activities, BDSM has the potential to go very, very wrong very, very fast. BDSMers know this.

And that’s why the BDSM community has set in place safeguards to try to prevent this from happening  — essentially codifying an explicit bunch of rules and practices to make sure that everyone involved in a BDSM session has consented at every step of the way.  (This can sometimes mean literally filling out a checklist before the start of a session.) The slogan? “Safe, Sane and Consensual.”

Which is a pretty good slogan for sex in general. As sex blogger Clarisse Thorn notes, even those who would never dream of trying anything kinky can learn a lot from the ways in which the BDSM deals with the issue of consent — and incorporate this into their own sex lives. (Even the checklists, if you so desire!)

Kupstis continues on with this theme:

Does she claim to ‘like it rough’? Even if so, that claim does not obligate you to play rough. No matter how insistent she may be, you should not bruise or break the skin.

Also good advice. You are not obliged to “play rough” with a partner if you don’t want to. (That’s how sexual consent works: everyone has veto power, at any point in time.) And you shouldn’t leave bruises,  not with a first time partner and not unless you know they’re ok with that. Plenty of BDSM submissives don’t mind, and in some cases actually like bruises. But you need to ask first. See my comments about BDSM above.

During foreplay, or before or during coitus, does she ‘tense up’, act frightened or apprehensive? Does she cry? If so, she may have been previously raped or molested. Her sex drive still exists, but she may psychologically equate sex with pain, servitude or dishonor.

If a woman “tenses up,” seems scared, or otherwise freaks out during sex, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Aside from the reasons already listed, there are any number of other things that might cause someone to react like this. For example, you could be raping her. (Did you remember that bit above about getting clear consent?)  Or, even if she did consent at first, she may have changed her mind (consent is an ongoing thing, and anyone can remove consent at any point for any reason). Or you may be hurting her. The list goes on.

Whatever the reason, STOP AT ONCE, comfort her  (don’t confront her), and try to figure out what is going on.  (This all applies regardless of gender and/or sexual oriantation.)

Other advice in the Spearhead piece doesn’t really bear on the rape issue, but is simple common sense:

Are you using Birth Control? Note that while she may claim to be using birth control, it does not automatically mean that she is…she may normally be on birth control but has forgotten to take it, or is experiencing a false period, or is using a form of birth control with a lower rate of effectiveness. Most of these factors have not legally excused men for having to pay child support, although they should.

Using birth control is good! If you are having sex with someone you don’t know well, you should use a condom, no matter what birth control they are using (or say that they are using).

Do you know her FULL NAME? (Thousands of men have only needed to hear “Hi, I’m Bambi”, and it’s good enough for them.)

Another good question to ask yourself! (Though admittedly some of us have probably broken this rule once or twice.) Knowing a bit about your sexual partner is always good!

Also, if she’s named Bambi, ask her if she’s an entomologist, because entomologists are cool.

My favorite Spearhead comment for this article comes from intp:

Geez. After reading this article I’d rather play catch with a beaker of nitroglycerine than get near a woman.

How about this? Until all the Communists, corrupting our institutions in the West, have been identified and expelled or executed just avoid women in the West.

Treat Western Women like the malignant cancer they have become.

Intp, I FULLY SUPPORT THIS STRATEGY FOR YOU. At least the part about you avoiding women (not so much the executions thing). Stay far, far away from women. And the rest of us, too, while you’re at it.

Oh, and in case anyone is keeping score, intp’s comment (including the murder) got two dozen upvotes and no downvotes from the Spearhead crowd.

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

1228 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Doghater
Doghater
8 years ago

Spontaneous sex without explicit verbal consent is actually what most people actually do IRL; especially with people they know. A safeword is not a bad idea, though. Especially if you’re doing BDSM or something like that.

FWIW, men who like getting pegged are usually bisexual; and even if they aren’t bi they’re certainly submissive. 😛

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

FWIW, men who like getting pegged are usually bisexual; and even if they aren’t bi they’re certainly submissive. 😛

Yeah, that’s not actually true. Straight, dominant dudes have not, in fact, all had their prostates removed, and are thus eminently capable of thinking a dildo in their butt feels awesome without magically ceasing to be straight or dominant.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Spontaneous sex without explicit verbal consent is actually what most people actually do IRL; especially with people they know.

That’s a good story pal, though I have no idea if it’s true. What do you think feminists want to see happen?

FWIW, men who like getting pegged are usually bisexual; and even if they aren’t bi they’re certainly submissive. 😛

That is also a good story pal, though I know it isn’t true (as Polliwog said above). It also does nothing to address the meat of Myoo’s post, which was as follows:

There are men that enjoy getting fucked up the ass with strap-on dildos. By the same logic these guys are using it would be perfectly alright for a woman to just shove something up their assess without asking, right?

Are you trying to say that it would be okay to peg a guy without asking if he was bi? Or if he was submissive? Or that because, in your fun fantasyland, this is something only bi and submissive men do, it’s somehow not relevant to a discussion of explicit consent? Or did you bring up pegging for no reason connected to the actual thread, but just so you could tell us all about how manbums are totes gay?

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

You win this round, blockquotes.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

I don’t know why people are so down on scheduling sex, anyway. It gives you something to look forward to all day!

Oh, and I peg my quite dominant boyfriend. It’s a way of pleasuring him, not of putting him in his place.

ozymandias42
8 years ago

Doghater: Call me weird, but I have NO IDEA how people go about having sex without talking about it at some point. I mean, the closest I’ve come to no-talking sex (without being gagged and having a safesignal) still involved a few checkins: “shall we go to the bedroom?” and “want me to get a condom?” Like, do you just… play Charades? Mime putting on a condom when you’re getting up to find the condom? Why would you not use your words? O.o

Pegging is not just a bi/subby man thing. Lots of hot dommey straight boys like to be pegged, because guess what? IT FEELS GOOD.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

But the whole “women won’t fuck you if you ask for consent” thing is quite terrifying, really. It tells me there’s a bunch of guys out there who believe that the only way to have sex is to take the risk of raping someone–you go ahead and start fuckin’, and if they go “oh yes” you lucked out and it’s consensual; if they go “no, stop,” dang, you lost. Post facto Consent Roulette.

I’d be terrified of “false” accusations too if I thought that’s how sex worked.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

Ozy – Unfortunately, I’ve been on the receiving end of no-talking sex. You’re talking and the guy sorta slowly gets physically closer and more touchy and then kisses you. And then if you don’t run away screaming from that he walks you to the bed and kisses you some more on there. And if you’re still around he gets out a condom and you’re sort of expected to spread your legs at that point.

…Oh yeah, that’s definitely the super romantic and sexy way to do it.

Lauralot
Lauralot
8 years ago

@Ozy: You probably just take your pants, charge at them and yell “SURPRISE.”

Much sexier than talking.

Polliwog
Polliwog
8 years ago

I think, fundamentally, my problem with the whole “it’s so hard to tell if people are consenting!” nonsense boils down to the fact that, for me, sex tends to involve both people enthusiastically removing each other’s clothes, enthusiastically making out, and then enthusiastically fucking while saying things like “oh god, yes, don’t stop.” If your idea of sex is “my partner just lies there and looks bored while I do my thing,” I can see why determining his or her consent might be tricky, but the problem there isn’t “determining consent is inherently tricky” but rather “you’re having incredibly terrible sex.”

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

I had no-talk sex once. It was pretty terrible, and immediately preceded a break-up.

Generally though, I’m with Ozy. All the sex I have involves some amount of conversation. Obviously you can develop some short-hand when you’ve had a sexual relationship with someone for a while, but there’s still communication there :-/.

You might also agree, within a relationship, that there are some things you don’t have to ask permission for. But you have to, you know, agree, which (sorry) is also going to require conversation.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

@Ozy: You probably just take your pants, charge at them and yell “SURPRISE.”

You win one internet because hahahahahaha what a funny image!

ozymandias42
8 years ago

Holly: But what if you want to be eaten out? What if he wants a blowjob? What if you have limits? Do you have to go back to the “charades” thing? Is it acceptable to moan louder if they’re doing something right or is that approaching words too much?

I mean, fuck, I’m nonverbal after a certain point of getting turned on and I STILL talk more than this.

Holly Pervocracy
8 years ago

Ozy – You request oral sex by:

A) Putting your hand on the back of their head at an opportune moment (should an opportune moment occur), and hoping they don’t take this as an insult

or

B) Hoping.

Soooo rooooomantic

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

“Ozy – Unfortunately, I’ve been on the receiving end of no-talking sex. You’re talking and the guy sorta slowly gets physically closer and more touchy and then kisses you. And then if you don’t run away screaming from that he walks you to the bed and kisses you some more on there. And if you’re still around he gets out a condom and you’re sort of expected to spread your legs at that point.”

I have encountered this approach too. I left. I gather that they’re counting on women being too socialised into being polite and accomodating to do so.

katz
8 years ago

And if you always ask them first despite them making it clear that they consider you a regular sexual partner than that really does get old and lame and start to spoil the mood.

So does this apply to things besides sex, too? Like does it spoil a romantic dinner to ask if the other person is hungry; it’s better to just drag him/her out the door? Does it spoil moving in together to go look at places; should you just show up at his/her apartment with a Uhaul?

I probably don’t even need to ask whether it spoils an extravagant present to ask the person with whom you share a bank account whether they think you’re spending too much money.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Here’s one: “Hey my love, do you think maybe we should try for a baby?” “Not now I don’t, GAWD. Why do you have to ruin everything with your incessant questioning? Why can’t you be confident??”

Or maybe you should have a conversation before the first child, but all subsequent children should come without discussion that might ruin the mood.

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

By the way, my no-talking sex was so silent because any communication would have destroyed the mistaken impression I was labouring under — specifically, that he was rolling over in order to show me that our stupid fight was over. This was pretty different from the reality, which was that he just wanted to get it in one last time.

Sexy? No. Physically painful? Yes. Had to be worked out in therapy? Oh heck yeah!

Xanthe
Xanthe
8 years ago

Viscaria, *hugs if you want em*

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

Thanks Xanthe, I happily accept. It wasn’t that bad an event and I’m totally over it now, anyway. It just definitely wasn’t, like, the sexiest sex evarr!11!1!

john thames
john thames
8 years ago

David:

You are a politically correct stupid fuck par excellence. “Consent is an ongoing thing and may be revoked at any time”. Really, you dick brained idiot? Let’s try this one. A woman grabs a man’s penis and testicles back into her vagina after he starts to withdraw because she hasn’t finished with her multiple orgasms. Does the woman get prosecuted for rape because she forced the man to continue? Not a chance you shit head. Suppose that a contractor could stop working at any time on a building? The investors would go bankrupt and the building would never be completed. Tell a surgeon he can stop operating at any point while the patient dies, etc.

And in case you did not know it, huge numbers of domestic violence and rape accusations are false. Learn some facts, as distinguished from the feminist party line, asshole head.

abeegoesbuzz
abeegoesbuzz
8 years ago

John,

A woman grabs a man’s penis and testicles back into her vagina after he starts to withdraw because she hasn’t finished with her multiple orgasms. Does the woman get prosecuted for rape because she forced the man to continue?

Well, she certainly could — forcible sexual intercourse, and all that. Kinda meets the exact definition of rape, actually. And if you want to start in on why victim blaming and rape culture is bad and might lead to the victim not realizing he had been raped, or not wanting to come forward, or someone he tells not believing him, please know that most feminists will be sympathetic to your complaints; most MRAs will not be.

Suppose that a contractor could stop working at any time on a building? The investors would go bankrupt and the building would never be completed. Tell a surgeon he can stop operating at any point while the patient dies, etc.

Apples and oranges, John. First of all, a contractor could stop working at any time on a building; it’s just that he’d be subjected to damages for breach of contract and his reputation would be damaged. There’s no actual criminal law against stopping contracting work on a building, though. And it’s not rape.

With the surgeon example, medical malpractice can lead to criminal charges, but fuck. You actually appear to be arguing here o behalf of the rapist. Once you start something, you’re not allowed to stop, or something? As long as another party wants you to continue, you’re legally obligated to fucking continue?

Um, yeah. In the context of fucking, that’s rape. You are making a pro-rape argument. What part of that are you proud of?

And in case you did not know it, huge numbers of domestic violence and rape accusations are false.

Actually, it’s a very small percentage of accusations that are false. Thanks for playing, though.

abeegoesbuzz
abeegoesbuzz
8 years ago

Oh sorry … one more really big point:

A woman grabs a man’s penis and testicles back into her vagina

Really? I don’t doubt that it could, theoretically, be done, if one really put one’s mind to it. It just seems … not worth the trouble.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Either our friend here is trolling for lulz or he’s never had sex (and he watches some fairly unusual porn).

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

TW for descriptions of some forms of rape
@James

Really, you dick brained idiot? Let’s try this one. A woman grabs a man’s penis and testicles back into her vagina after he starts to withdraw because she hasn’t finished with her multiple orgasms. Does the woman get prosecuted for rape because she forced the man to continue? Not a chance you shit head.

Looks like we’ve got ourselves a classic the only things that are rape are things that will get you thrown in jail for rape troll. This viewpoint is extremely obtuse. Let’s look at some other things that probably won’t get you sent to jail: Raping someone you have had, and continue afterwards to have, a sexual relationship with. Raping a sex worker in a way that doesn’t involve a great deal of physical force (I might even say, raping a sex worker, full stop). In many cases, raping someone who doesn’t shout “no!” loudly and repeatedly enough. Do you really think these are not rape, just because the rapist is unlikely to go to prison for it?

As it happens, I think you’re right; a woman who forces a man to continue sex when he’s withdrawn consent is not very likely to be persecuted for it, because of the seriously messed up ways society views rape. I still think its rape, and I still think it’s fucking evil, don’t you? If you’re having sex, and you want to stop, don’t you think it would be terrible if your partner wouldn’t let you? If zie acted like you don’t get to determine what you do with your own body?

Suppose that a contractor could stop working at any time on a building? The investors would go bankrupt and the building would never be completed. Tell a surgeon he can stop operating at any point while the patient dies, etc.

Ah. Apparently you don’t think it’s evil at all :-|.

The the only things that are rape are things that will get you thrown in jail for rape trolls always scare me, because they don’t seem to give a fuck about whether or not they’re hurting their partners; no, all they seem to be concerned with is whether or not they’ll get into trouble for doing it.

1 23 24 25