Uh oh! I just discovered this, currently the top story over on the Men’s Rights subreddit:
Yes, my sisters (and honorary mangina man-sisters), Russell Brand has dealt a severe blow to Operation Alimony, which (as you well know, at least if you’ve been attending the meetings) is our dastardly Feminazi plot to destroy the patriarchy by getting pretty ladies to marry and divorce rich dudes and take all their money.
You may remember our wild revelry when we heard that comrade-ess Heather Mills had walked off (no jokes please) with £24.3 million of Paul McCartney’s man money. And the joyful tears we shed when we heard that Mel Gibson’s ex-wife had (reportedly) scored a cool $425 million in her divorce settlement.
But today, we shed only the bitterest of tears. We have not only been thwarted, but we’ve also been exposed! Damn those Men’s Rights Redditors and their evil allies at the Daily Mail!
The comments in the r/mensrights thread show that they understand our evil plans all too well. How can we respond to Aetheralloy’s withering critique?
Feminists see the absurdity of their own pushed polices?
LOL no. No they won’t. I’d sooner expect scientologists to ask their psychiatrist if they are in a cult.
But ladies! Do not despair! Russell Brand may have set back our efforts, but he, and his Reddit allies, shall not defeat us!
Ladies, you know what to do. Get yourself all prettied up, hit the town, and snag yourself some rich dudes! Let’s see how many of these guys we can have married off by the end of the year.
Marrying (and divorcing) rich dudes: it’s the feminist way!
I had a
Quackers: I made a big long post with lots of links talking about ways to start working on better self-image, but of course because of the links you’s gonna have to wait for the post to come out of moderation 😛 And I’m really sorry if you were no longer looking for input on the situation. I just figured I’d chip in since I’ve worked with people around this and knew a bunch of links off the top of my head that might help.
OH NO IT’S ALL IN MODERATION ;_;
Leni, sorry, that comment of mine was because I thought someone was referring to alphalady by your name and I was wondering why; then I realized I’d misread the comment and I edited my comment and left the “oops” remark.
@hotairgenerator
Thank you for making that post, it’s through moderation now 🙂 I will definitely check out those links. I read the first one and it was great! The reason I don’t bother complimenting myself often is because I don’t really believe what I’m telling myself. There are times when I’m happy with my appearance and I’ll say to myself “oh you don’t look so bad” or something but it rarely lasts. However like you pointed out, its a long process and I know I’m probably not trying as hard as I could. I think its because I went through a long ugly duckling phase and got out of it not too long ago, yet I’m still stuck in that mode of thinking that I am. I will now say nice things about myself and force myself to believe them though. Thank you for the links and the post, I appreciate you taking the time to write it! 😀
@M Dubz
Thank you for the advice! I think I’m going to have to just accept my body for what it is. I’m not small, neither am I short. Genetically all the women in my family have not been obese but just wider overall. Even though I lost weight I still have this body type and unless I go in for some major plastic surgery its not going to change so I just have to accept it for what it is. Like I mentioned to hotairgenerator I don’t really bother to compliment parts of myself that I like because I don’t believe it, however I acknowledge that I’m not trying hard enough too so I will do that more often from now on!
Caasandra, I know it was a long way back, but thanks for the recommendations for Freya. When I’m done nursing this new baby, I’m going to invest in a couple of nice bras that actually fit. I’ve been coping with 44DD, since those are the biggest you find find in the stores, but they never fit right. Followed a sizing guide online & come to find out I’m more like a 40J. Ugh. I wish it were easier to find larger bras that don’t cost nearly $100 each.
@ Skyal – No problem! And ugh, you must be so uncomfortable, that sizing is way off. I’m not sure why so many stores persist in pretending that the only bra sizes in existance are 34-38 A-C, but it can’t be doing any good for the health of all the women who’re wearing bras that don’t fit because they just can’t find their actual size in stores.
I’d recommend buying multiple sizes initially and planning to return the ones that don’t fit if you’re ordering online, until you know what your size is in specific brands. They don’t quite fit me right because my torso is too short, but I’ve heard good things about Fantasie and Panache too.
Also, AlphaLady, fuck you. Seriously. I’ve never had confidence or high self esteem in my life and likely never will, and you think that automatically means that not only can I not have a healthy relationship, I should just be alone until I can magically muster some confidence? Funny how being alone actually made me feel even worse about myself. Oh, and I guess my husband of 15 years should be alone too, since he’s seriously lacking in self confidence as well? Fuck that. We have a great, very healthy marriage with all the usual ups & downs that go along with being married for as long as we have, plus the added stress of being around each other 24/7 most of the last 15 years between working from home & being on disability. We’ve probably spent more time in each others company than most couples who’ve been married 3 or 4 times as long.
How dare you. Honestly, I’m not sure whose more arrogant, you or the regular trolls in thinking your opinions and experiences are the only ones that matter and just because YOU had fucked up relationships when you had low esteem, everyone else must. Talk about fucking bullshit. Your experiences and your therapist friends experiences do not even remotely cover all of human experience. Talk about using anecdata to justify some really wrong headed, nasty ideas.
Cassandra, I’ve mostly been in nursing bras or stretchy sports bras (or no bra, I actually prefer being braless, which I’m told is really weird for someone my size, but there’s no way I’m doing that in public!) for the last 10 years or so. But yeah, trying to wear a normal bra is very uncomfortable. The problem is the first 2 are incredibly unattractive, it’d be nice to have even one nice bra to wear on occasion.
I have a really short torso, too, I’m only 5′, so they probably wouldn’t work for me. Definitely need & deserve something nice in a year or so, though.
I guess it depends on whether you intend to get something with an underwire. The issue for me with underwires is that if the center gore where the wires meet in the middle at the front isn’t really low it digs into my sternum, because my torso is so short, which is very uncomfortable. A lot of the Freya plunge or balconnette styles work for me, whereas the Fantasie ones I’ve tried have gleefully stabbed me in the sternum, hard enough to leave bruises.
“It wasn’t enough. You didn’t clap hard enough. Tinkerbell’s dead.”
Ahem.
Anyway:
I have my little eyeballs (all three) on this place: Ms. Martha’s
http://www.corset1.com/
Haven’t bought yet, but I have tried on and liked, at Folsom one year. They seem to be the lowest-price place that makes quality-to-order, by local consensus that I know of, anyway.
Crap. Stupid formatting. That was, obviously, in response to the question of where to find good custom-made corsets, which I tried to c&p as blockquote but it didn’t take.
/
” I wish it were easier to find larger bras that don’t cost nearly $100 each.”
I’ve done okay ordering via Roaman’s or Jessica London, especially when they’re having one of their eight gazillion sales. Admittedly finding the right fit through mail order has still been a bit hit or miss, but they do take returns and exchanges, and some have worked out pretty well. I forget what I last paid, but it was well under $100. I don’t think I’ve even paid half that for a single bra, ever. Maybe I misremember, but I’m pretty sure.
Skyal, congratulations on the new baby! I have 6 more weeks to go myself.
Someone gave me a few nursing bras and they are super-comfortable. But I find maternity clothes in general to be really comfortable. I kind of wish everything had elastic waistbands XD
Quackers: Don’t be hard on yourself — many, many people struggle with confidence issues (as has been made obvious by everyone getting pissed at alphalady for her stupid assertion about staying completely away from relationships if you do), I don’t think it’s about “not trying hard enough”. I think it’s about finding the right thing that works for you in boosting your self-confidence, and about actually taking the first step in feeling that you’re actually worth taking the time out of your day and the effort to have good self-esteem. When we have so much other shit to do in our lives, it can be pretty hard to go “no, yeah, I really need to take the time out of my day for myself” even for people who don’t have major self-esteem issues. So for those of us with, it’s even harder.
And I absolutely hear you on not complimenting yourself because you don’t really believe it. I’m guilty of the same thing — I know I still say nasty things to myself and don’t give myself any compliments, when I should. It’s really hard to do so when you truly believe you have nothing to compliment yourself on. But this is what I meant by it having to be about training yourself — even if you don’t really believe what you’re saying, compliment yourself anyway. Get used to complimenting yourself and thinking positive things about yourself, and eventually it can begin to affect how you really feel about yourself.
It could also help to ask a good friend to give you compliments every so often — one who you can trust to not give you back-handed compliments that end up making you feel worse than you did before — because even though self-esteem does come more from within you, like the third-stall-on-the-left article said, it is okay that other people’s opinions make you feel better about yourself. It could also help in that hearing someone else say positive things about you can help you to start thinking that maybe you do indeed have good things about yourself. You might find it easier to believe compliments coming from other people than ones coming from yourself.
Holy crap this thread was certainly one of the more exciting troll-fests. I’m going to ramble into the ether; hopefully it’ll be interesting for someone (with the patience to read my novel).
Alphalady: you need to step back and read what people have said to you, if you are actually here on remotely good faith. The point about how confidence can be transformative? I’ll certainly agree on that. The fact that getting out of an abusive relationship kickstarted you gaining more confidence? Great for you! Getting so enthusiastic about something so positive for you that you erase other people’s experiences, and get so far off the path that you stray into victim blaming? NOT OK.
Think about it. If I take you on good faith it seems likely that your experiences with positivity were such an amazing, life-changing step for you that you want everyone to experience it. But you are not listening. You are not everyone; everyone is not you.
I have depression and an abusive upbringing: I have had various eureka moments that have each helped me drag myself out of the cycle a little bit. But it is a continuous struggle and while I want to be less pessimistic I am a naturally cynical person.
As an example, exercise (muay thai in particular – I feel like my body is made for it) and diet help a hell of a lot when I can keep it together. When I’m managing to keep the dark side of my psyche quiet it feels so awesome I want to help people see that there must be SOME sort of exercise that makes them feel this good! It doesn’t have to be stinky old running; it can be surfing, meandering by the sea, rock climbing, anything.
I honestly think people get stuck in the idea of they SHOULD go to the gym/run/cycle/whatever and I want to help them find what feels great for them. But I know how much I hate being preached at and will never, ever be one of the judgemental arseholes that float around the internet telling people if they just get fit they won’t need antidepressants. Or whatever. And that is basically what you’re doing.
MRAL: I find it so bizarre to hear/read you go from fairly reasonable to shit stirring or outright ranting between one comment to the next. I don’t know or care if your IQ is extremely high, but you should be smart enough to think “I’m getting angry, if I want to actually engage in this conversation I need to take a breather.” Due to your history you do have a higher standard to uphold, and if you want to be taken seriously you need to just not ever give in to the urge to call people bitches or tell them to stick x up their arse. Sorry, that’s how it works.
Also can you please try and genuinely accept that most people, men and women and genderqueer people, have individual standards of attraction? There are people who are just gorgeous in the traditional sense, and people who are just unfortunate (though I think very few people are actually “ugly”). But it honestly, really, doesn’t mean that your average person rates people by an objective scale when looking for sex, a relationship or friendship. Some people are very picky about their personal scales and some people’s personal rating for attractiveness does resemble what magazines have fed them. But in my experience they are not the majority.
I personally have a thing for tall, skinny, geeky, effeminate men. So yeah, I lust Noel Feilding so very much and Russell Brand – I was indifferent until I watched a bit of his stand up, and an interview with Dawn French (if you like him and haven’t watched it YouTube it! That and him interviewing a white supremacist; it’s so great) and pretty much fell in love with him. I can even forgive his jock style radio shows, though it burns. 😛
I love pretty soft-butch girls, and to be honest any woman that’s attracted to me. lol But despite both these “types” I have, my attraction to individuals is all over the place because looks are only very tangentially involved. I have to be physically attracted to them but I’ve never met someone who’s brain I lusted that I was not attracted to based on looks.
The most recent crushes I’ve had (I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship so crushes only sadly) are a slim Chinese woman, a shapely blonde USian woman and a butch be-dreaded woman. A tall muscular man, a short (5’6″) fat white man and a short slim Bangadeshi man.
If you can just try letting go of the idea that all women are judging you all the time, and finding you wanting, life will be less stressful. I have a real problem with feeling judged, and am quite nervous of women I don’t know, but goddamnit I know they are people just like me!
And stop saying you’re ugly. Christ. I saw that photo you posted ages ago and you are not a “2-3”. WTF? If we have to use numbers, I’d say maybe a 6? I dunno, I don’t do that. But please try and live with the feelings of inadequacy, work around them, rather than giving them all the power. You’re not alone and you are your harshest critic (believe it or not 😉
/tl;dr 😛
@Lauralot”Alphalady, how do you feel about Madame Alexander dolls?”
Since you asked, never owned one, nor was interested in owning one.
Just popping in to say thanks again for the comment hotairgenertor! <3
Victim blaming? Interesting…
Your words, AlphaLady, with my emphasis:
What this paragraph suggests is that you escaped abuse simply by choosing to no longer put up with it, and that this is something anyone could choose to do. That means anyone currently experiencing abuse has the option of leaving, and has simply chosen not to take it. They are still being abused because of their own behaviour. It’s pretty classic victim-blaming.
I’m glad that you’re no longer in an abusive situation.
Alphalady: They are being hostile because you are being an arrogant, passive-aggressive, asshole.
I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I am positive that’s the reason. You have no real clue as to what self-image, and self-esteem really are, and confuse being aggressive with being self-confident, and conflate a lack of profanity with a lack of impropriety
In addtition you condescend to pretend you can insult people as you deign to apologise for them not understanding the love and care with which you meant your insulting turns of phrase.
I can’t imagine why an intelligent person, full of sensitivity and care for her fellow beings needs help in comprehending something so plain to the meanest intelligence, but since you saw fit to ask, it seems only proper that I should lend my meagre talents to making things more clear to you, and so, with all the good feeling in the world for you; and pride in the ways your improved self-esteem has made you so much better, caring, and more sensitive to the needs, frailties and feelings of others, I remain your faithful and attendant servant, and hope this is received in the loving and generous manner in which I intended.
“but I am positive that’s the reason.”
If you’re positive then the universe will make it true ^_^
Kyrie: Spotted that, did you? 🙂
Emmendation: I don’t think, “the Universe” did it. I think she is a self-made woman in that regard.
Pecunium, please accept this shiny new internet!