One of my favorite manosphere blogs is no more. Its proprietor, worried that he might get “outed” in real life, decided to shut it down and delete everything. In deference to his desire for privacy, I will refer to him here only as Arky-May Ark-May. He will be missed.
Luckily, before the shutdown, I managed to grab one last post, a little gem titled “The Vagina, by Christopher in Oregon.” Chris, a longtime friend of Arky-May, is something of an expert on this particular subject, in his own special way. As a man who is very definitely Going His Own Way, it seems clear that he’s had little or no experience or contact with actual vaginas. But he seems to think about them more than perhaps anyone on earth. His thoughts are not kind thoughts.
So let’s pour one out for Arky-May’s lost blog, and enjoy Christopher of Oregon’s ruminations:
Men spend most of their lives trying to get back into the hole they shot out of, so they need to stop for a moment and analyze it. The vagina, I mean.
Here we go.
At first glance, it’s mighty ugly. Floppy lips dangling down like bat wings. The entire region pelted with ugly pubic hair. It’s greasy, and the more aroused and broody she becomes, the greasier it gets.
The greasier? The greasier? You’ve never actually touched one, have you? Reading Christopher of Oregon on the vagina is a bit like listening to a high school student who hasn’t done the reading try to bluff his way through a teacher’s question on Macbeth.
Have I mentioned the smell yet? Let me tell you, it’s horrifying. I have an up-scale Sushi restaurant near my home. I love Sushi, by the way. But, on the edge of the parking lot of the afore-mentioned restaurant, they dump the scraps and unsold fish into a dumpster. I walked by there the other day when it was about 85 degrees, and the smell just about knocked me over. The first thought that occurred to me was that it smelled just like every vagina I’ve ever known.
Chris, clearly the only vaginas you’ve ever known have been fish vaginas. (Do fish have vaginas? They must, right?)
Now, a skunk smells bad. A dead possum smells bad. So does a cat box. But a vagina? That goes beyond bad. And, no, it’s not “musky” or “tart” as some women like to say.
It’s bad. Really bad. I don’t think we have single word in the English language that adequately describes the foul, rancid odor of a woman’s vagina.
Also, they are full of cooties! And centipedes! And mousetraps! And LIBRARY FINES!
There is something patently WRONG with something that produces such a noxious stench that it could, as the old saying goes, knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon at fifty paces.
I’m pretty sure that even the foulest vagina in the history of the world wouldn’t be able to knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon at any distance further than a couple of yards. Buzzards love shit-wagons!
I just ask you fellows to put that hairy hole in proper perspective.
Huh. I thought Harry Hole was a fictional Norwegian detective.
Ah, well. I’m off to lunch with a greatly reduced appetite.
Say hi to Arky-May for us.
I actually thought Dave was talking about Arks to begin with but then I realized that Arks doesn’t have a blog. But that would explain so much
It was the “eek! greasy gross vaginas!” bit that made me wonder.
Arks wouldn’t stop at “greasy gross vaginas.” Remember, this is the man who gave us “slobbering crotch maws.”
And “greasy buttered manatees”. For that matter, A freely hanging pair of breasts looks more like a pair of weird, droopy parasites o_O
I think an extreme OCD-type reaction is at work. I suppose these guys don’t realise there are just as many icky bio-fluids in their own bodies.
I still want a “hot buttered manatee” t-shirt.
Xanthe, you’d think they’d never seen balls before. Not exactly the most attractive body part out there.
Whenever these dudes start waffling about women and ageing I always have to suppress the urge to start talking in graphic detail about what ageing does to balls.
“Is there a word for people being this phobic about body stuff? This isn’t a simple “not for me” reaction, it’s really weird and extreme”
I’m not finding one, even though I am somehow finding results for both “fear of the moon” and “fear of red lights”. He might be gynophobic though.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gynophobia
That quote there even mentions a bit about “horror of sexual organs” which fits right into his profile.
I actually would be somewhat upset if Spear decided to leave and not come back.
Sharcluse – that’s what chameleon syndrome was? How bizarrely specific. From the way Marky Mark was going on, I assumed it meant women are duplicitous and always turn into what their mark (ha, get it?) wants them to be until they get what they want or find a better one. I had no idea it was about lesbians specifically. Now I’m kind of picturing Maria giving Mark all the lines women gave Homer Simpson: “I’m married to the sea, I no speak the English, I’m not gay but I’ll learn…”
He’ll be back, I give him two months, tops.
Oh, that’s right: chameleon syndrome. Here’s what Mr. Mark had to say about it (quoting from the amazingly named “The Predatory Female”):
(Do fish have vaginas? They must, right?)
They do not. If I recall correctly, they have either a cloaca (a combo poop/pee/sex hole) (which is gross) or a vent.
http://www.fishhead.com/articles/ventsex.htm
See also: the mermaid problem.
oh yeah, i had forgotten the specifics. thanks, bee.
OK, after reading through that wall of text I still don’t see what his point is. If women are doing this supposedly evil think unconsciously, why is he mad at them? And does he think that, say, taking an interest in your partners interests is so unnatural that it makes you like a lethal spider?
Also am I the only one thinking of the giant spider from Lord of the Rings? I suspect that’s what he was thinking of too.
I don’t really see how it’s strcitly a female thing either. Newsflash: men will often say anything to get into a woman’s pants. The PUA handbook probably encourages such behavior.
Hellkell, we definitely need the “hot buttered manatee” tee-shirts, my girlfriend and I would be happy getting a matching pair. We’ve got the cock carousel and mammoth hunting graphics on the website, surely someone can concoct an image of a suitably buttered-up sea cow?
It’s amusing that these guys who presumably haven’t come near a vulva in decades think themselves such authorities on its appearance, odour, or cleanliness, when these vary from individual to individual, and none of their supposed observations come even close. But you’re quite right, “a pair of weird, droopy parasites” sounds like a fairly good description for the contents of a scrotum – itself a rather saggy and unappealingly hairy bit of anatomy (if the discussion is to devolve entirely into pointing out unflattering parts of the human body), it being intended to produce male sex cells in an environment several degrees lower than normal body temperature. Evolution is weird.
What do these guys have against manatees?
The amusing thing is that I actually do find scrotums a bit silly looking, but it would never occur to me to go “omg, balls! they’re so ugly! this totally justified loathing men in a general sense, the fact that their scrotums aren’t all that aesthetically appealing. in fact, i bet they’re making their balls ugly on purpose, those bastards. fuck this, i’m going my own way!”.
Because, you know, that would be silly.
If Dave wants one, I can take a crack at a Hot Buttered Manatee shirt.
Personally I would rather have a belly shirt that’s just glittery sequined type, like the archetypical “Princess” t-shirt.
Can anyone remember anything about the Maria story where Maria even kind of did anything chameleonlike? Like, did she “adopt [Marky’s] viewpoints, his attitudes, his hobbies, and his dislikes. Her personality will change to suit his. She will enroll in classes, become a gourmet cook, stop smoking, switch religions, accept his friends, humor his jealousies, develop a relationship with his relatives, or whatever else is called for”?
From what I recall, she, like, allowed him to make small talk with her and didn’t make disgusted faces at him and stuff. Oh that deceitful, capricious woman!
Well, hell, I think I’ll my husband his wrinkly man-balls are totally fucking up my life, and I’m out of here. This manatee is going to butter up and hit the road.
*Not really, for any of the more literal (troll) types.
Bee, I think Maria just barely tolerated him because co-worker.
The over-reaction to some bits of anatomy that could alternatively end up as male sexual organs if their owner possessed a Y chromosome is bizarre, and having such a ridiculous loathing is indeed silly. I mean, I might personally think that scrotums are both better to look at or to feel in “brass monkey” weather when the skin contracts to a neat, small handful, but it wouldn’t cause me to run in disgust in any other circumstances, or demand that all testicle owners invest in disinfectant and to keep their musky stink at least 50 metres at bay from my nose at all times. Gynophobe MGTOWers are weird.
Personally I would rather have a belly shirt that’s just glittery sequined type, like the archetypical “Princess” t-shirt.
My partner has one of these, except it says “Voted Most Popular With the Boys.” Women like it, and even better, it gets the homophobic MRAs who are allegedly “GTOW” really mad.
It’s almost like…they can’t go their own way because they can’t stand to see other people having a good time, and have to butt in and stomp it out. Maybe they should call the movement “Morons Getting In Your Business” or “MGIYB.” (Pronounced “Em-Gibb” like Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.) Quick, someone register the domain name for them.
This post deeply confused me.