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Arky-May Ark-May, we hardly knew ye! Also: Stinky vaginas.

Christopher in Oregon learned everything he knows about female anatomy from old Lysol ads.

One of my favorite manosphere blogs is no more. Its proprietor, worried that he might get “outed” in real life, decided to shut it down and delete everything. In deference to his desire for privacy, I will refer to him here only as Arky-May Ark-May. He will be missed.

Luckily, before the shutdown, I managed to grab one last post, a little gem titled “The Vagina, by Christopher in Oregon.” Chris, a longtime friend of Arky-May, is something of an expert on this particular subject, in his own special way. As a man who is very definitely Going His Own Way, it seems clear that he’s had little or no experience or contact with actual vaginas. But he seems to think about them more than perhaps anyone on earth. His thoughts are not kind thoughts.

So let’s pour one out for Arky-May’s lost blog, and enjoy Christopher of Oregon’s ruminations:

Men spend most of their lives trying to get back into the hole they shot out of, so they need to stop for a moment and analyze it. The vagina, I mean.

Here we go.

At first glance, it’s mighty ugly. Floppy lips dangling down like bat wings. The entire region pelted with ugly pubic hair. It’s greasy, and the more aroused and broody she becomes, the greasier it gets.

The greasier? The greasier? You’ve never actually touched one, have you? Reading Christopher of Oregon on the vagina is a bit like listening to a high school student who hasn’t done the reading try to bluff his way through a teacher’s question on Macbeth.

Have I mentioned the smell yet? Let me tell you, it’s horrifying. I have an up-scale Sushi restaurant near my home. I love Sushi, by the way. But, on the edge of the parking lot of the afore-mentioned restaurant, they dump the scraps and unsold fish into a dumpster. I walked by there the other day when it was about 85 degrees, and the smell just about knocked me over. The first thought that occurred to me was that it smelled just like every vagina I’ve ever known.

Chris, clearly the only vaginas you’ve ever known have been fish vaginas. (Do fish have vaginas? They must, right?)

Now, a skunk smells bad. A dead possum smells bad. So does a cat box. But a vagina? That goes beyond bad. And, no, it’s not “musky” or “tart” as some women like to say.

It’s bad. Really bad. I don’t think we have single word in the English language that adequately describes the foul, rancid odor of a woman’s vagina.

Also, they are full of cooties! And centipedes! And mousetraps! And LIBRARY FINES!

There is something patently WRONG with something that produces such a noxious stench that it could, as the old saying goes, knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon at fifty paces.

I’m pretty sure that even the foulest vagina in the history of the world wouldn’t be able to knock a buzzard off a shit-wagon at any distance further than a couple of yards. Buzzards love shit-wagons!

I just ask you fellows to put that hairy hole in proper perspective.

Huh. I thought Harry Hole was a fictional Norwegian detective.

Ah, well. I’m off to lunch with a greatly reduced appetite.

Say hi to Arky-May for us.

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Lauralot
Lauralot
8 years ago

Chris does realize that men have pubic hair too, right?

malcontent
malcontent
8 years ago

Well, he’s a cheapskate who refuses to use conditioner, gets his hair cut sporadically, and who always looks for the lowest price on shampoo, etc. Also, those numbers are completely made up. I’m sure I spend over $1000 though. I’m nearly there with haircuts alone.

Pecunium
8 years ago

I know that I’m a mixed bag. I use the same LUSH bar for head and skin (and have used shampoo as body wash for decades), but I have a lot of hair and it’s baby fine. Oops, I forgot the 60 bucks a year for shaving lotion, probably 300.

Bee
Bee
8 years ago

Yeah, Pecunium, probably different guys spend different amounts of money on health and beauty care, same as women. My boyfriend uses an electric trimmer to shave his beard (he’s had the trimmer since he met me), gets his hair cut about 4-6 times a year (at less than $25 a pop, if I had to guess), bought a bottle of soap three years ago, a stick of deodorant in 2010, and a bottle of shampoo this year. I think I bought him a bottle of facial moisturizer four years ago. He does buy vitamin E and tea tree oil himself occasionally, however.

Anyway, yeah. I tend to date guys with pretty minimal maintenance budgets (being kind of a low-maintenance lady myownself — although, not that low, yeesh), but NAMALT, you know? (I also know guys who use scented body wash and hair product and pay for $55 shaves.) Like malcontent, I have yet to meet a woman whose lady-scent you can smell from 50 feet away.

Pecunium
8 years ago

Getting a shave is nice. I’ve not cut my hair since I left the Army, but when I was in, I got a haircut every three weeks.

KathleenB
KathleenB
8 years ago

DKM: You really, really need to stop telling women how to take care of our bodies. Because you clearly know JACK SHIT about female anatomy beyond ‘my cock goes somewhere between her legs.’ Seriously, STFU and go wank with your dolls. Or whatever the hell you do with them – I’m picturing Cartman’s tea time thing from South Park here.

Shadow
Shadow
8 years ago

@ KathleenB

I picture

KathleenB
KathleenB
8 years ago

Shadow: Holy crap, that’s… disturbing. And fitting.

Shadow
Shadow
8 years ago

@ KathleenB

I think my affection for trolls like DKM and NWO come from the fact that I keep funneling their views through to the wacky shit we know and love from TV. For example, everytime I read NWO’s quota rants, I always picture that scene in Community where Jeff wakes Pierce up by saying “Discrimination lawsuit” and it just makes me burst out laughing

Lauralot
Lauralot
8 years ago

It took me entirely too long to realize that the pseudonym David used is Pig-Latin. I guess I was too distracted by the part about vaginas.

M Dubz
M Dubz
8 years ago

@cynikal- winning!

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Well, to be fair, dolls have no odor of any kind, and that’s Meller’s most recent basis for comparison. He is confused and disturbed by the fact that modern women do not smell like eau de porcelain, and assumes that other men must be similiarly disturbed.

(Just for the record, I’m not sure any other women are disturbed in the exact same way as Meller. Truly he is a unique and fascinating speciment, misogynist steampunkis, subphylum conservitivus.)

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

Men, not women. If there exists a female equivalent to Meller I have yet to encounter her.

Emma the Emo
8 years ago

I heard the fish smell is a sign of an infection, which a healthy vagina won’t have. His words make me wonder how common those infections are. Or maybe he’s just repeating what he’s heard about vaginas. Men who find vaginas ugly amaze me, but so do women who are repulsed by cocks 🙁

Kyrie
Kyrie
8 years ago

Generally, when one has an infection, neither PIV nor oral sex (on the receiving end) are attractive activity. Or so has been my experience. So I doubt a little bit that there is such a problem of stinking ladies trying to jump on people (men or women)
Unless the smell he hates so much is the normal smell of a woman’s vulva, in which case the problem is with him and I hope he’s not straight. Or he’s lying.

Pterygotus
Pterygotus
8 years ago

Men, not women. If there exists a female equivalent to Meller I have yet to encounter her.
I’m pretty sure there are women who have creepy obssessions with dolls (male ones, though), actually.

ithiliana
8 years ago

Pterygotus: I know there are women who are obsessed with male dolls — BUT I’ve never seen any evidence of them wanting to enslave men, and just using the dolls as a placebo until they can get their male slaveboi. That’s what take’s DKM to new heights of creepiness.

David K. Meller
David K. Meller
8 years ago

CassandraSays–December 28, 2011 @11:28pm

One more case where you are absolutely wrong! Dolls, unlike feminists, and unlike even regular women, have whatever scent their man chooses them to have. I go to my nearest perfumery, buy a gift for my little lady lovely, apply discreetly, and…

she has the scent that I want her to have! That was easy, wasn’t it?

Snowy
Snowy
8 years ago

DKM and his doll thing just keeps getting creepier and creepier.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

So basically, Meller, what you’re telling us is that the dolls are a way for you to make the imaginary women in your head seem more real? Becaues it certainly seems like you’re admitting, in a roundabout sort of way, that what you want doesn’t actually exist, therefore the only option is to invent it.

…Most people grow out of the imaginary friend stage by puberty,

Kyrie
Kyrie
8 years ago

“That was easy, wasn’t it?”
Yes, it was. Because she is not a person, she has no emotion, no intentions, no desire. Relationship, on the other hand, are not easy. Never have been, never will, including in whenever-is-your-prefered-date. (what is it, 50’s?)
If you want easy, stick with the doll but stop blaming us for being humans with individual thoughts.

Emma the Emo
8 years ago

Actually, I asked a few men about it, and they said that some women they had sex with had the fishy smell and some didn’t. Those who did, didn’t seem to be aware of it, some thought it was normal and didn’t care. I think it’s bacterial vaginosis or a yeast infection…

Moony (CasaAzulBaby)
8 years ago

PLEASE somebody tell me that there isn’t some disease that makes one’s vagina GREASY… otherwise I might not be able to sleep tonight…