Found on Wedded Abyss, linked to by some MRA dude on Reddit. I believe the thing on the right is a high-heeled shoe, which like most high-heel shoes has a woman’s mouth on it with a chain coming from out of the mouth, with a little silhouetto of a man in handcuffs attached to it. Because that totally is what marriage is all about these days, amirite fellas? We’re just tiny silhouettes of men chained to the giant mouth-having shoe of feminazi injustice!!
I’m really not even angry at women specifically. Again it’s like demi-trolling, because I latch onto sensitive topics and go to town. There’s just a grain of truth in that I wish that women would give me some level of validation, and maybe that’s something the feminists will jump all over me for but I can’t help how I feel. I’ve thought about whether I have BDD, and I don’t think so. I really don’t. I know on some level that I’m not hideously ugly, but I also am not very attractive, and I’ve never had any overt interest displayed in me, by women. And this is something that’s been just really hard for me. I’ve never had anyone except my parents tell me I looked good… or even send that vibe implicitly, you know? And I think about that and sometimes slide into this idea that I’m some monster, and since I have no one to counter this I start wondering if it’s true. Because it’s not entirely in my head, the fact is that I don’t have a conventional look, for reasons you all know. This is not an old problem, it’s a recent psychological development, like the past two years, and it’s driven most of the FUCK ALPHA WOMYN shit, even though again, intellectually, I know that’s bunk. It just sort of feels good to say it. It’s also one of the reasons women complaining about male attention makes me go off so irrationally, even though I do understand it. I just want to say, well, it’s not so great over here either. And I really don’t think women are elitist arrogant bitches or whatever.
MRAL, first of all, I, along with everyone else, am really proud of you for opening up this way.
Secondly, I quoted this paragraph specifically because – speaking as someone who actually has been diagnosed with BDD and clinical depression – it resonates immensely with me. Up until right about your age, no one had ever told me or even suggested in any way that I was pretty or attractive or lovable (and a fair number of jerks in middle school had quite clearly stated the opposite, because I was the shy, nerdy kid and therefore an easy target), and so I settled into believing that I was repulsive and worthless. I didn’t focus my resentment as much outward as inward – I spent a lot of time beating myself up, figuratively and literally, for being so ugly and gross and awful and unworthy of love – but there were moments, say, when one of the girls I perceived as being “effortlessly pretty” would complain to me about how hard it was to decide between the four different guys who wanted to date her, when I just wanted to punch her and everyone else in the world for getting to be worth something when I was clearly worthless no matter how hard I tried.
And then, by pure chance, I ended up in a social circle with a bunch of people who were, to put it mildly, giant geeks (like me), and I discovered that, however much I still felt like an ugly outsider freak whom no one could ever love…that wasn’t how those people were treating me. They were treating me like I was smart and fun and cute. And I was finding myself having FUN with them, relaxing, settling into my own skin a little bit, forgetting for a few minutes about how hard I needed to hate myself for being me. And the more I relaxed, the more I let myself let my guard down and stop worrying about how disgusting everyone must think I was, the more fun I had – and the more people flirted with me, complimented me, made me feel like it was actually okay not to hate myself.
A decade later, I’m going on the fourth year in a happy relationship with a guy who makes it eminently clear every day that he thinks I’m beautiful. I still struggle – I still look in the mirror and see “horrible mutant freak” a lot of days, and I still periodically have to go to my partner and say, “But WHY do you put up with me?” I still go to my therapist and cry about how gross I feel. It never gets completely easy. But it truly does get better.
Oh, and don’t rule out BDD because you don’t think you have it – given that the entire nature of BDD is “you suck at perceiving yourself accurately,” it is, for obvious reasons, not the easiest disorder to self-diagnose. But whether your occasional feelings of being a monster rise to the level of a diagnosable disorder or not, the important thing is that they’re wrong. No one is a monster, except through their actions. I’ve never seen you, but I am sure you look like a person – probably like a fairly normal, average person, who is neither a movie star nor Joseph Merrick (who was himself a person, albeit a very unlucky one).
One more thing that helped me and still helps me – find a thing you like about you. It can be physical or not (it’s actually probably better if it’s not), and it can be big or small, important or trivial. It can be “my hair is a nice color” or “I’m a terrific dancer” or “I’m great at explaining calculus to people” or “I’m a good listener” or “I make awesome brownies” or “I do a hilarious Kermit the Frog voice.” Anything. Just find a thing that you like, and every time you start to fall into the “I’m a monster” mode, say it out loud. Say it over and over. Sit there and chant, “I kick ass at my Kermit the Frog voice. My Kermit the Frog voice is awesome. I do the best Kermit the Frog voice of anyone I know,” and really THINK about your Kermit voice and how awesome it is. It sounds goofy, I know – but refocusing your energy on something you can’t actually hate about yourself no matter how hard you try will honestly make you feel at least a little better a lot of the time.
Okay, getting off my lifetime-of-experience-with-depression-soapbox now. :-p
MRAL, all I can say is, I really hope you don’t come back in two days and say “Ha! You all fell for it!”
I want this to be a true confession and and honest desire to change and become a better, happier person. But you’ve expressed desire to change before and you always come back a few days later and call everyone bitches. Please don’t do that this time.
That possibility crossed my mind too, and I suspect it’s crossed quite a few other minds – but my attitude is that even if it is a massive joke that we all fell for like the poor pitiful saps that we are, in the process we’ve collectively shown just how decent people can be, even when posting on a blog whose entire raison d’être is to mock people.
In other words, even if it is a joke, there’s a useful life lesson to be imparted right there.
Hey MRAL,
Assuming you’re being genuine here, the sentiment is commendable. And I agree with the rest that staying far away from Manboobz is probably the best for all concerned right now. At the same time, I know what it’s like to be depressed and anxious and lonely, so I suspect you may find it pretty difficult to step away. Twisted and hateful though they were, I get the feeling your interactions and even relationships with the posters here have been a pretty big part of your life lately and you’ll probably find it hard to keep yourself away.
The ideal, of course, is to make satisfying connections with people in your real life in Boston, but I know from experience that can take a long time. I’m not going to say that relying on the internet for validation and attention is a great way to live–but it’s somewhere I’ve been before. Plus, I have to admit I’ve become kind of invested in the MRAL story and want to find out what happens next.
So let me suggest that you should stay away from Manboobz completely, but don’t have to completely stop interacting with us.
–Please keep posting in your blog. Don’t post about feminism and gender politics, post about your favorite books/games/movies, thigns you’re reading for class, funny things that happen to you. I suspect a lot of us would read and comment.
–Do you hangout on any other forums, like maybe a gaming website or something? Play League of Legends or some other online game? That stuff is probably worse for you than spending more time in meatspace, but if you’re doing it already I’d be happy to play a few matches with you.
–Let me repeat my offer to talk to you one-on-one about any of the stuff you’ve brought up here on Manboobz. I’m a 22 year old college student with anorexia, and depression. I’ve been very lonely sometimes and I’ve been a social outcast when my sicknesses are bad. I’ve even been creepy toward women. But I’m also in a really god relationship and have been pretty popular and stable other times. I grew up in Boston. I feel like we have enough in common that I can both recognize where you are and understanding how to get where you want to go. You can contact me on AIM as TigerUdyr or by email at (my posting name) dot (Neo’s last name) at gmail.com
MRAL, while you have behaved like a little shit here, I’m glad you have the self-awareness and the guts to write this. I hope you get whatever help you need and become a happier, healthier person. Good luck XD
MRAL: I don’t know what to say, except that I’m hopeful. I can’t say I’m proud of you, per se, but there is a lot you should be proud of for having the courage to say all of that. I’m willing to take it as read; and meant in good faith.
I’m going against the grain here and side-eyeing the hell out of MRAL’s post.
I’ll believe it when there’s sufficient evidence to back the claim.
#MRAL
Assuming MRAL is being serious, and I somewhat suspect that he is, he has been brave.
I can join others in saying that I always suspected that there was a decent man underneath the hyperbole. Antz is too far gone and has invested too much of his life and identity in the MRM to really come back from it, in my opinion. He’s fodder for the misfits at AVFM and Spearhead – a real sad case.
NWO is hard to read. I actually think he is so wacky that he might well renounce all of his ‘beliefs’ and start on something else.
The MRM is based on gibberish. They all know fine well that that Youtube clip wasn’t incitement to murder but they have to go along with the fantasy that it was.
MRAL – do you suspect any of your former comrades in the MRM are in a similar situation to you?
@filetofswedishfish
“Because I’ll go ahead and repeat for the umpteenth time on this site that they never seem to mention or care about their kids until a divorce and custody battle happen.”
Men don’t care about children until divorce? That’s right everyone, men, being the shit they are don’t ever care about children until divorce. So when any man says all women are alike, that they’re lying, cheating, gold-digging whores. Don’t complain. If you revel in saying vile things about all men, all men should revel in that same pleasure.
What’s a demi-troll? tried looking it up but couldn’t find anything…
I too am suspicious of MRAL’s confession. It’s hard to tell if someone is being genuine on the internet. I suspected some of his rants were to absurd to be serious but you never know. All I can say is I hope it’s true and that he works towards a happier, non-rage filled life.
NWO, a basic understanding of pronouns and antecedents would suggest that “they” refers not to “men” but to the antecedent “these men” (in context, the ones who claim to be being ‘forced’ into marriage and who rant about the injustice of no-fault divorce). You can, if you like, offer an argument that it’s unfair to assume that all guys who rant about such things don’t really care about their children, but you really, truly, cannot stretch “men who rant about how they’re being forced into marriage, etc.” into meaning “all men.”
And, for the record, I fully believe the vast majority of men with kids care very much about their children. I strongly suspect filetofswedishfish does, too.
I’ve suspected MRAL was turning around ever since he described standing up to Elam about Register her. I was also entertained by some of his most over the top sock puppets like dad2boys, which showed how he saw the absurdity in some of the most radical wings of the MRM. He is young and intelligent enough to not get sucked too far into the the MRM like AntZ, DKM, or NWO.
NWO’s opening with “I don’t have a rebuttal so here’s some nasty sarcasm.” This means that his visit tonight will be of moderately severe intensity but–despite the fact that it’s only 6:15 Texas time–fairly short duration.
@Polliwog
Excusing a womans (filetofswedishfish’s) hateful behavior. I’m so shocked!
@Holly Pervocracy
Silly little girl, I don’t live in Texas. I just let you people blather on about Texas and milk machines and conspiracies and lizards and whatever nonsense pops into your heads.
If you want to come clean with us too, NWO, we’re here to listen.
http://www.creativeplaystamps.com/images/get/6217/
What’s next? Meller popping in to tell us he hates dolls?
Excusing a womans (filetofswedishfish’s) hateful behavior. I’m so shocked!
owlslave’s hateful behavior, of course, is always to be praised, because he is a bold new thinker.
NWO, the only thing you seem to genuinely believe is that you in particular, should be allowed to rape kids, so we take everything else you say with that little fact in mind.
NWO: If you don’t live in Texas, why were you ranting about your tax dollars (which of course in Texas does not mean income tax dollars) going to pay my salary?
It’s not just YOU letting people assume things–that exchange (dubious as I was) implied you were, in fact, collecting your meagre pay in Texas.
Well, if he doesn’t live in TX, that’s great, there’s more than enough idiots around here.
MRAL: I’m glad that you came clean. I don’t think Manboobz is necessarily good for you (but hey! You could come mock the trolls with us if you want! It’s fun on this end too 🙂 ) and I admire you for having the strength to realize that it isn’t.
I know you probably won’t believe me, but things will probably get better. You’re nineteen. All sorts of people are dateless at nineteen and end up having sex, falling in love, and even get married. The two most romantically successful men I know personally– one has two girlfriends, one has five– were both virgins at nineteen.
I’d give you advice about how to have friends, but don’t listen to me, I can count the number of non-Internet friends I have on one hand. 🙂 It sucks. It sucks being sad and lonely and invisible and touch-starved and feeling like everyone around you is with friends all the time and loving their college experiences while you have nothing to show for it but a really good high score on Minesweeper. Particularly when people say that college is the easiest time in your life to make friends. Fuck, if that’s true, I’m doomed to live alone and be eaten by my cats. 🙂
I’m another person that’s willing to talk if you need to talk: my email is roseocarroll at gmail, and I’m pretty much always on chat.
You were always one of my favorite trolls, dude. Best of luck with everything you do for the rest of your life.
i dont think he actually wants to rape kids. i dont think he actually wants to have sex with anyone. seriously, can you imagine him getting past his raging hate for all things female to be attracted to one?
Wow! NWO has some serious reading comprehension issues!