A lot of guys who try online dating (of the heterosexual kind) complain that they send out message after message to the ladies and get no responses. Now, I’m no dating expert, but I would like to offer these gentlemen a piece of advice that I feel could dramatically improve their chances. Here it is:
If the message you are sending the lass you fancy would get upvotes on The Spearhead, do not send it.
This seems like a fairly self-evident point, but it’s one that a lot of guys don’t seem to understand, at least judging from some of the awful online come-ons posted at the always fabulous A(n)nals of Online Dating. Take this fella:
[M]en have an obligation to rescue kittens from burning buildings, pay for your drinks, hold the door open for you, keep their hair neat, go to war and many other things. I’m just saying… Society worldwide really does put more obligations on men than women all around. There are few things women have to do… Shaving your legs is one of them.
I’m not sure how exactly this topic came up in conversation, but I’m pretty sure that Mr. Mammoth-Hunting Kitten-Rescuing Door-Holder-Opener and Lady Who Doesn’t Shave Her Legs are probably not a match made in Internet heaven.
This guy’s strategy is also somewhat problematic:
A so-cal Brooklyn transplant who believes in grammar, manners, music, and humor. I’m nice to my mother, always smile at dogs and babies, and am in the process of pleading that statutory rape charge down to a misdemeanor.
Yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to open with a joke about raping underage girls. Assuming it is a joke.
This message would be a bad idea regardless of gender:
RON PAUL REVOLUTION!! GIVE US BACK OUR CONSTITUTION!!!! lol sorry
Sorry indeed.
This next fellow is a bit of a Stealth Misogynist, in that he starts out with some actual compliments directed toward an actual women. Really creepy compliments, but complements nonetheless. Then we get a plot twist that’s about as shocking as the big reveal in M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. Which is to say, so obvious that it could probably be spotted from space.
When I look at you I see very happy, fun loving, sexy, good girl. I love looking through your photos, I only wish there were more. Do you enjoy being obedient to the male figures in your life?
David K. Meller, is that you?
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especially to the last quote.
Quackers: *applause*
So nothing about politics or philosophy or anything? Nothing about how the people stood up and crushed your legislation?
Annalsofonlinedating tricked me. My OK Cupid profile didn’t get me too many dates, which I expected. But it also completely failed to deliver the crazy. I was so sad…eight months and not a single message worth submitting. Obviously I have taken down my profile for rennovations 🙂
“Stealth Spearheader?” Do you have proof that this individual is related to the Spearhead or even the Men’s Rights Movement in general?
Did you post that in the wrong thread by accident, FactFinder? Because if not I’m not seeing how it’s in any way relevent to the post.
The weirdest message I ever got on a dating site was from a dude who sent a very very long email about how he wanted to draw me. First we would become friends, apparently, and then as we got to know each other better and I grew to trust him I would be comfortable with him drawing me in more intimate settings.
This was the very first point of contact between us. And then, when I didn’t respond but did look at his profile to try to figure out what sort of deranged person would send such a thing, I got another message saying “I see that you viewed my profile, therefore clearly you must be intrigued by my offer”.
Not so much, actually.
You see, FactFinder, the “stealth Spearheader” comment was what is called a “joke”.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/joke
FF, no, and I didn’t mean to imply that he was an actual Spearheader. I’ve reworded that bit.
I’m not saying that these guys are MRAs. Just that they sound a lot like the MRAs I regularly quote here. They have the same misogynistic beliefs.
Back when I was single, I got a lot of messages that seemed totally boilerplate and not even tangentially related to my ad. Those got no response.
And then there were the charmers who (after at least showing they read the ad)–if I thanked them and said I didn’t think we’d be a good match–responded with some of the nastiest shit. Hmm, I wonder you’re having no luck?
Dracula, thanks, but these guys tend to be very literal-minded; sometimes I figure it’s better just to reword things and move on.
It can’t be a DKM post. There aren’t any exclamation points or references to fluffy kitties.
Hmm, you know, I’ve been curious recently as to how well I’d do on a dating website… If these guys are my competition, I think I could do rather well for myself.
*goes to a(n)nals website*
Ooh, fun things to read. ^_^
“Do you enjoy being obedient to the male figures in your life?”
–EWWW!!!!!!!!!!
Back when I was trying online dating, one guy had the gall to say during the first phone call (he really wanted to jump to a phone call after a few emails, so I agreed…bad idea) that I’d have to quit birth control of any sort, quit riding my motorcycle, and put all my energy into a marriage. When I said (without a bad tone) that I didn’t think we’d be a good match, he became angry and said I was greedy and self-centered in a very loud, angry, yelling tone.
It may be my pesky liberal-mindedness here, but I don’t see where this:
A so-cal Brooklyn transplant who believes in grammar, manners, music, and humor. I’m nice to my mother, always smile at dogs and babies, and am in the process of pleading that statutory rape charge down to a misdemeanor.
Equates to joking about raping underage girls. I’m just saying, people tend to get a bit boobish when you tell lies about them. Again, I apologize for being so darn liberal-minded, I know feminists can take a little defamation and just laugh it off.
You really don’t see it, FactFinder? Then you are dumber than previously thought.
You’re right there, David. Sorry if I was stepping on your toes, as it were.
“keep their hair neat”
Like Whore Mary?
There you go. Or did you read that as him being serious?
haha ninja’d!
So, FactFinder, what you’re saying is that he wasn’t joking about raping underage girls, he was confessing to doing so.
I’m curious as to how this is supposed to be an improvement over what David assumed.
There was a guy in a shyness forum a few years ago that was using online dating. His schtick was to send inflammatory messages to women and then come back to the forum and tell the others that these women bitches because they were angry. What’s incredible is that he was popular with some women and they were sending him messages but he was constantly finding reasons to reject them. He was essentially trying to find a reason to hate women. I think it can explain some of the messages we see here.
You really don’t see it, FactFinder? Then you are dumber than previously thought.
Again with the “you’re dumb” nonsense? So do you really want to compare how much society values my work compared to yours? Because that’s a more generalized measure of intelligence than schoolyard insults. I have a feeling you won’t win on that one either.
If you think I’m wrong, you might want to just correct the error.
You know, for all the creepyness of his rape joke, that guy has got to have some fortitude. He smiles at dogs and babies every day! I mean really, that is some phenomenal dedication. Through rainy days, depression and anger, wiping that bit of mud off your shoe only to find that it isn’t exactly mud, this guy still finds it in him to bring out a smile. Even if all three happen at the same time, he’ll still give that dog a show of teeth.
Must be pretty draining though… I’ll bet he’d be horrible to date. He spends so much time smiling when he doesn’t want to that he’ll have no energy left for things he likes! The key would be to have children as soon as possible, then at least, through sheer force of habit, he’ll let you see his pearly whites.
[hoping to break FactFinder’s sarcasm meter, if he ever had one in the first place]
… I once had a dating profile* in which I had an offensive joke intended to convey the message “I don’t take this seriously.”
*on a site where it turned out every woman I encountered had values fundamentally different from mine, and funadamentally different in the same way.