A lot of guys who try online dating (of the heterosexual kind) complain that they send out message after message to the ladies and get no responses. Now, I’m no dating expert, but I would like to offer these gentlemen a piece of advice that I feel could dramatically improve their chances. Here it is:
If the message you are sending the lass you fancy would get upvotes on The Spearhead, do not send it.
This seems like a fairly self-evident point, but it’s one that a lot of guys don’t seem to understand, at least judging from some of the awful online come-ons posted at the always fabulous A(n)nals of Online Dating. Take this fella:
[M]en have an obligation to rescue kittens from burning buildings, pay for your drinks, hold the door open for you, keep their hair neat, go to war and many other things. I’m just saying… Society worldwide really does put more obligations on men than women all around. There are few things women have to do… Shaving your legs is one of them.
I’m not sure how exactly this topic came up in conversation, but I’m pretty sure that Mr. Mammoth-Hunting Kitten-Rescuing Door-Holder-Opener and Lady Who Doesn’t Shave Her Legs are probably not a match made in Internet heaven.
This guy’s strategy is also somewhat problematic:
A so-cal Brooklyn transplant who believes in grammar, manners, music, and humor. I’m nice to my mother, always smile at dogs and babies, and am in the process of pleading that statutory rape charge down to a misdemeanor.
Yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to open with a joke about raping underage girls. Assuming it is a joke.
This message would be a bad idea regardless of gender:
RON PAUL REVOLUTION!! GIVE US BACK OUR CONSTITUTION!!!! lol sorry
Sorry indeed.
This next fellow is a bit of a Stealth Misogynist, in that he starts out with some actual compliments directed toward an actual women. Really creepy compliments, but complements nonetheless. Then we get a plot twist that’s about as shocking as the big reveal in M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village. Which is to say, so obvious that it could probably be spotted from space.
When I look at you I see very happy, fun loving, sexy, good girl. I love looking through your photos, I only wish there were more. Do you enjoy being obedient to the male figures in your life?
David K. Meller, is that you?
Still waiting for an answer, FF. Are you hiding?
I think FF is like Batman and Zorro, he can’t fight effectively if people know his real identity, (or his creepy identity, in this case) and since he can’t kill us through the internet he ran away.
<Monty Python>Brave FactFinder ran away,
Bravely ran away, away;
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled;
Brave FactFinder turned about —
Apparently he chickened out:
Bravely taking to his feet
He made a very brave retreat;
Bravely bold FactFinder
Is throwing in the sponge!
Women are stupid, and I don’t respect them!
That’s right, I just have sex with em
Show me your genitals, your genitals(wut!)
Show me your genitals(yer gen-i-tay-lee-uh!)
You’re talkin to me about stuff, why?
I’d rather see your titties!
Now you’re talkin ’bout other stuff, why?
I’d much rather see your titties!
I can’t have sex with your personality
and a I can’t put my penis in your college degree
and I can’t shove my fist in your childhood dreams
so why you sharin’ all this information with me?
it’s not sexist cuz I’m sayin it, in a song
that’s right bitch, now take off your thong! and
Show me your genitals, your genitals(wut?)
Show me your genitals(yer gen-i-tay-li-uh!)
knock knock, who’s there? It’s me!
wonderin’ why you’re not naked
knock knock, who’s there? It’s me again,
still wonderin’ why you’re not naked
I wanna see your bum, I don’t care what you say
no I don’t have feelings, cuz feelings are gay
something-something in the month of may
bitches love my penis cuz it’s really big!
girls brains are much stupider than mens are
so they should always listen to us, cuz we’re smart
women are only good for 3 things:
cooking, cleaning……and vaginas!
Show me your genitals, your genitals(wut?)
Show me your genitals(yer gen-i-tay-li-uh!)
Show me your genitals, your genitals(wut?)
Show me your genitals(yer gen-i-tay-li-uh!)
I can give good sex to you, cuz I’m really good at sex
I can give good sex to you cuz I’m really good at sex
Aw yeeah, that’s right! Share your, uh-bums!
I’m outta here, I gotta go have sex with a-lot of girls!
So, I revisited this old thread to see if FactFinder the coward had skulked back, only to find the above piece of excrement smeared over the end of the thread.
Sir, your name is wrong: you are Monsieur sans Cerveau.
Is that…a joke? Like an “on purpose” joke?
No. Monsieur Merde pour Cerveau’s modus operandi is to turn up on nearly exhausted threads where his posts may go uncriticised.
Those lyrics are actually from an existing parody song. At least, I hope to FSM that it’s a parody. I’m wary of it now that some random known-to-be-douchey troll is posting them, but the original had me snickering because of how (deliberately, I believe) juvenile it -and, by extension, the songs it was mocking- was.
Well, if we’re posting random bits of song lyrics, I might go hunt up the ‘Hedgehog Song’ from Discworld. Though it is a bit naughty… well, okay, a lot naughty.
Rapping this bad can only be deliberate parody.
As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before
And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before
And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before
And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
They’re two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before
And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before
And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two mitts upon her tits where my old mitts should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them mitts upon your tits where my old mitts should be
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before
As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a man running out the door a quarter after three
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who is that man running out the door a quarter after three
Ah, you’re drunk,
you’re drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
That’s a tax collector that the Queen sent to me
Well, it’s many a day I’ve travelled a hundred miles or more
But an Englishman who can last till three I never saw before!
It’s definitely meant to be comedy. I recommend the same guy’s song “Everyday Normal Guy” – my friends and I tend to quote it often.
Thing is, I’m not sure Mr. Nameless realizes it’s parody.
Hershele: It’s a common trick. More common when someone has gotten the worse of several exchanges. They wait until another thread is going great guns,and slip in a response, hoping it won’t get noticed in the “recent comments” window and so get in the last word.