Reading “Anthony Zarat’s” recent comments here fantasizing about a future in which men and women consort with virtual reality lovers rather than one another and “drift into separate and rarely interracting species, each of which will prosper more by the absence of the other,” I began to wonder if there was anyone out there with a more jaundiced view of heterosexual relationships than the typical MRA?
And then it occurred to me: the non-married male-female cartoonist duo behind The Lockhorns.
You’ve seen The Lockhorns, haven’t you? It’s a daily single panel cartoon that runs in about 500 newspapers – who even knew there were 500 newspapers left? – and that, according to the strip’s website “gently spoofs the state of marital bliss, poking fun at the foibles of both partners.”
That’s the nice way of putting it. More accurately, the cartoon depicts a sort of existentialist hell on earth. Locked in a loveless marriage, Leroy and Loretta Lockhorn stare at each other with heavy-lidded eyes and almost perpetual frowns; they pick endlessly at each other’s numerous flaws.
Leroy is a bald, overworked schlub who seems to resent every minute of his pathetic existence; only rarely does a smile grace his face, generally when he’s either ogling a pretty girl or contemplating drowning his sorrows in booze. Loretta is a drab, shrewish housefrau whose only real pleasure seems to be trying on new dresses. They unite only in their shared hatred of all that is new and confusing, like the underwear-baring clothing styles of the youth of today.
Happily, they have no cartoon children.
In any case, after reading through a bunch of recent Lockhorns cartoons I had a little brainstorm. While neither The Lockhorns nor MRA misogyny tastes good in itself, the combination of the two could very well be magically delicious.
So I’d like to introduce to you the latest in interactive cartooning: The MRAhorns. I’ve posted a batch of recent Lockhorns cartoons below, sans captions. Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to write up some appropriately MRAish captions for them. Bonus points if you’re able to use the exact words of a prominent MRAer, or even one of this blog’s dedicated trolls. Whoever comes up with the best caption wins one internet.
Have at it!
Speaking of the Modesty Survey:
#4: “Shapeless pink muumuus are a stumbling block.”
Hmm. Hagar the Horrible could work. Or maybe the “Love is” cartoons:
http://www.gocomics.com/loveis/
Or maybe Dilbert cartoons, but replacing everything Dilbert says with things from Scott Adams’ blog.
I am sampling from the tortured soul of Zed, from the Baby Boomer contingent of The Spearhead:
#1: “The Cave is where men go to sort things out in their minds. Men tend to want to lead intentional lives and not be popping off emotionally over any issue, whether major or minute. This is a female characteristic that we are often uncomfortable with, and certainly goes against most culturally accepted notions of “the superior man.”
#2: “Getting older and slowing down sexually as a man? No problem, just go out and spend $6 on a pill so you can function like a flesh-and-blood vibrator with a fresh set of batteries, to get you in the mood to do what a lot of women consider to be “rayyyype.”
#3: “Face to face sex is more “social.” This is where most of our relationship problems come from.”
#4: “Western women are incapable of feeling love (or loved) because they are incapable of loving. They are still trapped in the problem of the object. By looking for love in an object, or in objects coming from an object (shoes, jewelry, cars, etc.).”
Oh, those gross little naked babies! Let’s find MRA/PUA quotes about love:
While I cannot, nor will not, say that finding true love is impossible in today’s feminized, PC world, I will say this: it is EXTREMELY difficult!
“Magdelyswallows… get the stick out of your ass. You’re only hurting yourself.” – Kave
That ain’t no stick, sweet cheeks.
“Magdelyswallows… get the stick out of your ass. You’re only hurting yourself.” – Kave
That’s no stick, sweet cheeks.
so I’ve been lurking for about 4 weeks – I like your blog but this really pisses me off. Lets all make *really funny* MRA cartoons! Methinks you protest too much. It is like this man I work with who makes all kinds of racist jokes — IRONICALLY, so he isn’t racist, of course. You are making MRA jokes ironically. So we are going to come up with a bunch of really funny MRA, women suck, men are awesome jokes all for the purpose of saying how awful those jokes are?? HOW AWESOME. Anyway, unsubscribing. You are what you claim to hate.
#2 “Don’t worry, alpha status for men is based on wealth and personality as well as appearance.”
#4 “But what if we can’t come to an agreement about whether to spend the money or not? This is why it’s important that I make all the final decisions!”
who cares??, I don’t understand your objection. Are you mad that the captions are misogynist, or that they make fun of MRAs?
Most of the captions are actually quotes from MRAs, so, it’s pretty much what we always do here, except in cartoon form.
Aaaugh. My dad used to find this shit amusing. I loved him, he made me the scientist I am. But, what a horrible, abusive, misogynist person he was. He was a person though, right…? /drunk navel gazing
Julie, where are tehse from, his comments or the “book of Zed” or what?
Which reminds me that I should go through some of his older stuff. Zed has quite a paper trail. Of turds.
Will y’all be my acquaintances? I am lonely.
I think I spelled that wrong, it looks cockeyed. Dui bu qi.
Hi Doctress. It’ll be alright, mate
I’ve met the writer of “The Lockhorns.” I’m never sure what to say.
When I was growing up, my parents had a “Lockhorns” cartoon on the fridge for about fifteen years. It got all yellowed and frayed and, in its final years, was more Scotch tape than newsprint. It was Loretta trying on clothes and Leroy saying, “The dress doesn’t make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat.”
I was never sure what to say about that, either.
#3:
“in an evolutionarily perfect world, I’d get to lock horns with Sir Alpha over there. But since I’m just a lowly BetaMale, Loretta, the only person I get to lock horns with is you. Ain’t natural selection wonderful?”
I wish we were creative enough to “come up with” these jokes! :p Every single comic I posted is a direct quote from an MRA in a recent manboobz thread, except for the last one, which is a slightly tweaked paraphrase (because a direct quote wouldn’t have worked coming from the female character.)
We aren’t embracing the sentiments quoted here; we’re putting these quotes in the mouths of terrible miserable fictional people who hate each other. Not exactly a glowing endorsement of MRM opinions!
The Lockhorns looks like an American version of a British comic called Andy Capp (only more middle class):
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6NariaEVivU/STaymkmuPFI/AAAAAAAAAnM/MzMUQs1nHo4/s400/andycapp%20004.jpg
Graham, we have Andy Capp in the US as well! It was one of the strips I always read when I read the comics as a kid, though it was never ever funny. Wasn’t every strip basically Andy coming home drunk and meeting Mrs. Capp with her rolling pin?
If my mom’s any example, that kind of father somehow ends up with really fantastic clever daughters.
Re: Andy Capp – Yeah, that’s how I remember it.
Talking of awful unfunny comics, do you get George & Lynn in the US too?
http://georgeandlynneexplained.blogspot.com/
#1
Leave me alone to watch TV. I’ve been working 30 hours a day, every day, for the last six weeks. Don’t you know I invented the cell phone at work? Yet I only get paid 30 cents a day with no bathroom or lunch breaks. Now I come home to your nagging? The VAWA says that is domestic violence, by the way. Your feminist sisters are to blame.
#1:
You seem to be full of feminist hate. Have you been reading Manboobz again?
#2:
Your penis is small. I will now leave you for an alpha.
#3:
Some day, I will have a sex-bot just like her, and then you will be sorry.
#4:
I am a big mangina. You can tell because I am holding a purse
Are you kidding? 3 of the first 4 strips on that page had bare tits. That puts all mainstream newspapers right out. Playboy might run it if it was funnier or sexier, or maybe an independent newspaper like the Village Voice or the Boston Phoenix if it actually had something to say. Otherwise, it would be condemned to a collection in the part of the comic book store where they don’t let kids go.
You really have no idea how prudish American culture is, do you?
#1 Wife busy mending clothes while man sloughs in front of TV, how typical!
#2 Stupid man, can’t get it up when he’s supposed to, another unsatisfied woman. Time for a divorce.
#3 Husbands roving eye while the woman remains pure and faithful.
#4 Pussified husband holding wifes purse while she’s spending his money. The way it aughta be!