The contest for the Most Ironic Use of the Term “Nice Guy,” When Applied to Yourself –otherwise known as the MIUTNGWAY Award – is heating up. The previous front runner – the Tumblr guy who compared his inability to get laid to the Holocaust – now faces a serious challenge from a Redditor calling himself DogmaDog.
The other day Mr. Dog wandered into a discussion of the SlutWalks in the Feminisms and offered his two cents: he declared them “stupid,” and suggested that they won’t really help victims.
And then he started in on his own tale of woe.
I know I’m going to be shit on for saying what I’m about to say, but please hear me out.
Not a promising start, Dog.
I’ve never raped a woman, and I’m the ‘nice guy’ who never took advantage of a woman.
Do you want an award for this?
But a girl I was infatuated with in high school blew me off and treated me disrespectfully. She ended up being raped one night, while intoxicated. I do not know how I am supposed to feel about it.
As Don Draper would say, “what?”
How do you think you’re “supposed” to feel? Did you accidentally dislodge the part of your brain responsible for basic human empathy?
Apparently, the answer to that is “yes.”
[H]ow do you suppose I am supposed to feel about this woman I knew who got raped? I mean, I’ve never taken advantage of a woman, but I don’t understand how my ‘friend’, this girl I went to high school with, could go out and party all the time, and in turn treat me, her classmate, as though I were an inferior person for not enjoying the atmosphere of drunkenness at high school parties.
As it turns out, you’re an inferior person for an entirely different reason.
That girl was a mean girl, no? And by being disrespectful toward men, and prejudiced toward men, wasn’t she asking men to behave badly toward her? The only men she gave attention and physical affection to were the ones who hurt her back.
So let me see if I get this: she didn’t go out with you, a “nice guy,” so she was therefore “asking” to be raped?
Naturally, this being the Feminisms subreddit, and not The Spearhead, some of the regular commenters took exception to Mr. Dog’s victim-blaming and his complete lack of empathy for the victim – especially strange, since Dog, who says he is suffering from an (unspecified) mental illness, considers himself “a victim, in my own way,” of prejudice towards those with mental health issues. This experience, alas, has not given him any sympathy towards other vicitms.
Indeed, it seems that DogmaDog didn’t misplace his sense of empathy after all; rather, he threw it out of the house and got a restraining order against it. Responding to someone who suggested he show a little empathy, Dog lashed out:
Your empathy can go suck a dick. Empathy does nothing to help my situation. I suppose that is just the excuse people give themselves so that they can feel like they are actually doing something.
You basically called me an inferior human being because I can’t or won’t empathize for my friend who was raped. Well, ask yourself this, smart-ass, have you ever really wondered what good your empathy does? It does nothing. …
In reality, you are doing nothing but attacking me, and I may or may not have a ‘complex’, even though I don’t know what that is, but I can guarantee you, I HAVE NEVER RAPED ANYONE!!!
The sound you hear is me banging my head, ever so softly, on my desk. Empathy is what connects human beings to one another, what allows them to understand one another on a deep level.
When people are suffering – as you are, Dog, in dealing with your mental illness – a little bit of empathy from someone else can make all the difference in the world.
If you can’t feel even a little bit of sympathy for this woman you were once “infatuated” with, you’re not a nice guy at all; you’re an even bigger asshole than those drunken high school partiers you disdain. You may never have raped anyone — as you’ve repeatedly insisted, as if this should win you a prize – but “in your own way” you’re thinking like an abuser. Your lack of empathy for the victim, your continued bitterness towards her for turning you down, your sense of wounded narcissism; none of this is healthy, for you or for anyone who comes into contact with you.
You need help, dude. Please, please get it.
Maybe the probability of rape could depend on the perception of indecency vs some absolute standard of indecency? Then I would imagine that dressing more conservatively than the ‘norm’ would help, though of course it won’t be (and isn’t) enough to guarantee that you won’t get raped.
Since I’m new here and all, disclaimer: I am in no way endorsing or supporting rape, nor am I suggesting that the courts should be even slightly more lenient even if the victim were dressed in a bikini, or less.
It does seem reasonable to me though, that if I think I’m in significant danger of being raped, I would dress more conservatively — again, not that this is a guarantee of not being raped.
It doesn’t, though.
Mostly it seems to depend on the rapist’s perception that he can rape the person and get away with it. That’s why rapists happily go after drunk or drugged women, sleeping women, scared or shy women, women they are dating, women who are disabled or elderly… It’s not about lust or indecency so much as the odds he has calculated for a successful rape. Sometimes the victim’s clothing looks like it might help get him off the hook (thanks to the law still accepting “she was dressed slutty!” as a valid reason to assault her) but that doesn’t mean rapists only care about that particular strategy.
If it won’t protect you from rape, why would you bother dressing more conservatively? And if you’re, for example, a woman or girl sleeping in her own bed in pajamas, how would you possibly be more conservative? Chastity belt?
The whole business of ‘what she was wearing’ or ‘what she was drinking’ is a tactic of rapists to distract people from talking about what HE did. It works amazingly well.
“Maybe the probability of rape could depend on the perception of indecency vs some absolute standard of indecency? Then I would imagine that dressing more conservatively than the ‘norm’ would help, though of course it won’t be (and isn’t) enough to guarantee that you won’t get raped.”
Given that at best, we have a weak trend towards the opposite, this isn’t a remotely convincing argument. It may be, and it’s not as unlikely as finding a pink dragon in Victor Stenger’s garage, but it’s not remotely indicated by the evidence, only cultural myths.
“(thanks to the law still accepting “she was dressed slutty!” as a valid reason to assault her)”
This isn’t strictly true, smallest of mercies that it is. But it is perfectly acceptable to most juries.
True. I typed “law” as shorthand for “police, judges, juries, witnesses, (and the media)” but I suppose that is technically incorrect. :p