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Man Boobz Super Fun Time Video Party 2: Take the Stairs

Today, in episode two of Man Boobz Super Fun Time Video Party, we present a brief monologue which we’ve entitled “Take the Stairs,” which was originally posted on Reddit’s Men’s Rights subreddit. It provides crucial information for men who don’t wish to face false accusations from some office floozy.

The full text of the original posting is below, for those who for some reason don’t appreciate little cartoon animals and/or text-to-speech.

Here’s the original posting:

I avoid interacting with the few female coworkers I have more than what is absolutely required. You never know when you’ll be accused of sexual harassment or even rape. It happens everywhere and I think if you don’t take your precautions it’s only a matter of a short amount of time before it happens to you. Whenever I get involved in a hiring situation I will most likely pick a man over a woman. While a woman may very well be the best candidate that doesn’t count for much when she’s disruptive as everyone has to tip-toe around her.

I used to take the elevator at work, but now I always take the stairs. That’s just a precaution I take against women who could potentially use the situation to make false accusations (you know like ripping her shirt open and running out of the elevator crying in front of a lot of witnesses and then start accusing me of attempting rape). That’s just one of the many things I’ve ended up doing in order to stay safe. All these safety measures add up and I’ve never been falsely accused of anything because they’ve just never had the opportunity to make an accusation that could stick. I’m sure a feminist will come along one day who will just completely pull something out of her ass despite of me having an alibi or witnesses, but that will be easily dismissed I’d hope.

Since a woman’s word trumps a man’s word whenever he doesn’t have an alibi a man just has to be very cautious. Don’t let a woman be around you on her own; better safe than sorry.

Even the Men’s Rights Redditors considered this a tad paranoid.

EDITED TO ADD: Props to this thread on Something Awful, which led me to the Reddit posting.

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Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Most of my co-workers are women, and yet somehow I’ve never had one accuse me of rape or harrassment or anything. One actually encouraged me to give her backrubs, which I of course did, and she loved them.

I must be doing something wrong.

Shora
9 years ago

Also, be sure to whistle to keep those elephants away! I do it every half an hour every day and I haven’t been attacked by a rampaging elephant once! Better safe than sorry!

Jenn
9 years ago

like ripping her shirt open and running out of the elevator crying in front of a lot of witnesses and then start accusing me of attempting rape)

I actually laughed out loud at this. Has anyone in the history of mankind actually done such a thing? Really!?

The dedication these dudes have to their absolutely absurd paranoia is really something else.

amandajane5
9 years ago

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
9 years ago

Damn it! I knew I forgot to do something this week! There are still a few male co-workers I haven’t yet falsely accused of sexual harassment or rape!

You’d think if the nightmare “feminist” dystopia this person thinks he lives in actually existed, the courts would be so clogged with false rape and sexual harassment charges that they pretty much wouldn’t have time for anything else.

speedlines
speedlines
9 years ago

What’s hilarious is that these How Not To Be Accused Of Rape lists are just as useless as the How Not To Be Raped lists. Seriously, nobody has ever been raped in a stairwell in the history of history?

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

To be fair, and I’m not going to say this guy is not paranoid, but it does show that men can and do “err on the side of caution” as well and thus have no right to dismiss Schrodinger’s Rapist. I have come to this conclusion myself, as well.

shaenon
9 years ago

Well, those are some interesting sex fantasies.

Ah, but what will he do when his female coworkers are forced to take the stairs because men invented elevators? The stairwells will be filled with women eager to rip their shirts open in front of him!

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Can’t he narrow it down to women who would have some sort of reason to falsely accuse him of rape?

Making a false accusation means, at a minimum, that you’re going to spend four hours in the ER with strangers rooting around in your crotch, two hours in the police station talking to strangers about your crotch, and umpty-zillion hours in court getting grilled by a hostile stranger about your crotch. And that’s if you don’t get shunned by your family or friends or partner, and if your accusee’s friends don’t track you down, and your name doesn’t get out in the media. It’s kind of a pain in the ass.

So if a woman’s only apparent motive for making a false accusation would be “shits and giggles,” I think you’re pretty safe with her.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

Actually, Holly, we don’t know the entire situation. Maybe things like that have happened at his company before. I’m not saying that IS the case, I’m just saying we don’t know.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Casey – You think women have accused men of rape for shits and giggles at his company before?

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

I said I don’t know.

carswell
carswell
9 years ago

All these safety measures add up and I’ve never been falsely accused of anything because they’ve just never had the opportunity to make an accusation that could stick.

Just maybe he’s never been falsely accused of anything because it really isn’t as common a phenomenon as this idiot thinks.

Nobby
Nobby
9 years ago

“Just maybe he’s never been falsely accused of anything because it really isn’t as common a phenomenon as this idiot thinks.”

Here, everyone, if you hit these two sticks together, you won’t get attacked by cougars!

(pun totally intended)

BlackBloc
BlackBloc
9 years ago

caseymordred: You know how *I* know there hasn’t been a rash of false rape accusations at this guy’s workplace? Because I live in the real world.

filetofswedishfish
9 years ago

So, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one whose first thought was “This sounds like those paranoid How-Not-To-Get-Raped lists.”

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

Do you have anything of use to add to this discussion, Black? You would think I’d be glad that I’ve shown how this completely exonerates Schrodinger’s Rapist, by showing that men might show caution in their own lives, justified or not, as well.

darksidecat
9 years ago

I’m not saying that caseymordred does feed babies to hyenas in his basement, I’m just saying we don’t know.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

You’re half right.

I am part-hyena.

Snowy
Snowy
9 years ago

Now, nobody is saying that caseymordred developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies, but I’m just saying that we don’t know.

Amanda Marcotte
9 years ago

There might be an alternate explanation other than “women are laying in wait to falsely accuse this guy” if a man routinely has women running from him in tears with her clothes ripped.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

I sense a trend here. What precisely was wrong with my formulation of that statement?

cynickal
cynickal
9 years ago

Actually, Holly, we don’t know the entire situation. Maybe being eaten alive by sixteen panthers in an elevator has happened at his company before. I’m not saying that IS the case, I’m just saying we don’t know.

FTFY
But just to be safe you better stock up on Brawndo

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

There might be an alternate explanation other than “women are laying in wait to falsely accuse this guy” if a man routinely has women running from him in tears with her clothes ripped.

Um . . . poltergeists?

cynickal
cynickal
9 years ago

There might be an alternate explanation other than “women are laying in wait to falsely accuse this guy” if a man routinely has women running from him in tears with her clothes ripped.

Zombie Apocalypse?

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

Hyenas in the elevator?

Bee
Bee
9 years ago

Candid Camera!

What won’t that wacky Peter Funt do?

theLaplaceDemon
theLaplaceDemon
9 years ago

Damn. I’ve had tons of male coworkers, and I’ve never once falsely accused someone of anything. Apparently I’ve been missing all the fun.

But seriously, I do wonder…was there a sexual harassment scandal of some kind at this dude’s office (leaving him to believe all teh wimminz are out to get the men) or did he manage to get all of this off the internet?

speedlines
speedlines
9 years ago
Nobby
Nobby
9 years ago

@speedlines “Rescuers who are trained in mountain survival techniques are taught to expect this; however, some may assume incorrectly that urban victims of hypothermia have been subjected to a sexual assault.”

That’s…. kind of fascinating.

Pecunium
9 years ago

caseymordred: I don’t think you’ve done any such thing. You are making a false equivalence between a ridiclous paranoia, and a reasonable one.

You are being told you are wrong because you are wrong. What this guy is doing is reacting to a non-threat by completely changing his life. He’s even admitted to hurting others because of it (if I were his employer, and found out 1: He’d been hiring less qualified people, which is bad for business, and 2: engaging in actionable discrimination… a false rape allegation wouldn’t be the thing to worry about).

That’s a far cry from women being cautious around men they don’t know.

Pecunium
9 years ago

Wait… he thinks women will decide to rip their shirts off and scream rape?

He thinks this is going to work because… wait.. Women = good, men = bad.

I also think he’s making a tactical error. Sooner or later some woman will just lie in wait on the stairs (since he always takes them… I’m sure people have noticed) and then, when he gets to the top, all hot and breathing hard from the climb, rip her shirt off and scream rape as she runs down the corridor.

And he’ll look more guilty, because normal people take the elevator. It will look like he planned it.

Holly: Of course she will. Any accusation of rape immediately leads to the woman being held up as a paragon, and the man cast into perdition. Nothing more than her word is required for this. Just ask DSK.

Pecunium
9 years ago

The other thing about hypothermia: One of the problems with depressed core temp is the body being unable to reheat itself. One of the easiest ways to get that heat back into a body is skin/skin contact.

Training soldiers that when someone is hypothermic the first line of care is often to get three guys down to just shorts, and spoon the victim in the middle, under a blanket… is interesting.

I know guys who’ve had to do it, on field problems in Japan.

rosanovich
rosanovich
9 years ago

Damn…there goes my wicked plot to falsely accuse my male coworkers of something. Because I sit around and try to find ways to hurt men, just for kicks.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

And I think you’re twisting my statements to look like I’m saying this guy is right or is not paranoid, when I’m just saying that when men realize they too show caution around strangers with no real proof, they have no leg to stand on wrt Schrodinger’s Rapist.

To make it abundantly clear: this guy is wrong. I was just using the issue as a springboard to remind any male lurkers here that Schrodinger’s Rapist is fair because there are plenty of issues besides harassment where they are wary of strangers.

As for my question about whether stuff happened at the office, Laplace phrased what I meant better.

Pecunium
9 years ago

You were making a comparison between two unlike behaviors. One is an irrational paranoia, the other is a reasonable caution.

To make an analogy. My neighborhood has a fair number of shootings. Mostly of people who have pissed off someone in a bad business deal, or who are involved in a turf war.

I am not in the majority population for neighborhood. It means I am not likely to be mistaken for a rival gang member. I also don’t engage in any of the business transactions which lead to people getting shot.

So for me to looking over my shoulder all the time for people looking to cap me… is silly. It doesn’t track to people who belong to those risk groups.

For me to say I needed to get a Class II vest because of it would be downright stupid.

To say that my doing that was comparable to women worrying about the intentions of men they don’t know would be wrong.

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Casey – The problem with Schroedinger’s False Rape Accuser is that it presumes false rape accusations are equivalent to rape in any way, which is offensive on a lot of levels.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

I’m very sorry if it came across badly of me to imply so, then.

So I understand, though, how is it offensive?

Holly Pervocracy
9 years ago

Casey: 1) False rape accusations are bad, but in a different way than rape is bad–no one dies on the spot during a false rape accusation.

2) False rape accusations are not nearly as common as actual rape.

3) A false accusation can be (and usually is) at least partly undone when the accused’s name is cleared in court. There’s no undoing rape.

4) Rape can be truly random, or based on nothing more than “I think I can get away with it.” False rape accusations, as I said above, are not likely to strike out of nowhere for shits and giggles.

5) False rape accusations don’t require proximity anyway. Someone who really wants to false-accuse you can just claim you were in the elevator together and you ran away before she could report it.

Victoria von Syrus
Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

I think what Caseymordred is trying to say is that men don’t have the right to bitch about Schrodinger’s Rapist if they act like they don’t know if they might rape or not.

caseymordred
caseymordred
9 years ago

Yes, Victoria, thank you.

Hide and Seek
Hide and Seek
9 years ago

Aren’t there usually cameras in elevators?

Kave
Kave
9 years ago

I had two sisters working for me three years ago. They ended up being off the record batshit insane (not mentally ill but major personality disorders) human beings to the point where I could not place them because no one wanted to work with them. They were at best at the level of a 12 year old catty child. But you can’t fire someone for being annoying.

One went off on stress leave, the other stayed until last year. They had told many people that they were untouchable, “try to mess with my job and I’m screaming sexual harassment”.

If you’ve ever tried to fire anyone you know it’s not easy. In the end the second sister was fired for a physical assault on another co-worker. She fired back with two claims of sexual harassment against management, a claim that a female co-worker was sexual religiously harassing her (she had overheard a conversation about how priests had illegitimate children and these children often were titled 500 or so years ago) , and another was pushing her to take prescription drugs (she asked a co-worker if they had t-3’s, because of a headache, the co-worker gave her a generic prescribed version of Alleve).

I could never say all women are like that: one because two of the accused were women, and two because I have dealt with equally strange issues with men usually involving workers comp.

Batshit crazy woman did not get away with it, in fact she was counter charged and melted away ungracefully. We literally had to deal with PTSD after it all blew up.

So in this guys mind that’s what women are like? That’s like saying all men are serial killers.

Kave
Kave
9 years ago

Does he know that as a man he is much more likely to experience violence from the hands of a man? Isn’t he worried about being jumped in the stairs?

slingshot
slingshot
9 years ago

“But you can’t fire someone for being annoying.”
“If you’ve ever tried to fire anyone you know it’s not easy.”

Where do you live? I’ve fired plenty of people for being annoying, and I’ve been fired myself for “not being a good fit”. Seems easy to me.

Kave
Kave
9 years ago

Canadian, and firing especially when there are allegations countered costs 375 an hour for the corporate lawyer. Off the top of my head if you are a small business and have less then 40 employees (might be completely wrong with that number) then it is much easier.

I can say that my family has been in business in Canada for close to a hundred years and what I’ve described above was the only time we’ve ever had a instance of false allegations brought on by a woman. (or any allegations of that kind).

I’ve also had a male employee on workers comp for 6 weeks in the summer because he claimed dust flew into his eyes. Workers comp investigated, found him enjoying his summer and he’s still working for us. I could list about 30 of those throughout the years.

Joanna
9 years ago

Buy me a car or I’ll tell everyone you raped me….hmm…

slingshot
slingshot
9 years ago

Man I should get a job in Canada. You honestly can’t fire someone for being annoying?? That’s absurd.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

I used to take the elevator at work, but now I always take the stairs. That’s just a precaution I take against women who could potentially use the situation to make false accusations (you know like ripping her shirt open and running out of the elevator crying in front of a lot of witnesses and then start accusing me of attempting rape)

o_O He thinks we do this stuff for fun does he? xD

Well, it’s his life and if he feels this keeps him safe… >_> But I still wonder where he got the scenario from… and why he thinks women would suddenly do this for fun…

(I suspect somebody here is trying to say that this is shroedinger’s false rape accuser also xD )

Also, usually isn’t the scenario that ppl fear that they have consensual sex w/ a woman and are accused of rape? o: Being afraid of this is like being afraid of rapists under cars rather than rapists who invite you to their room, or are acquaintances… :

@speedlines http://ami-rants.blogspot.com/2011/07/ami-trish-and-zhinxy-snarkle-rape.html

We even tackle elevators there! xD

Now I need to make up a list of car safety tips for avoiding rape accusations xD

“Watch out, there will be women hiding under your car who will come out, rip open their shirts and cry that you raped them!”

“If you have a breakdown in a dark highway, don’t get out of your car or a woman will come out w/ pre-ripped clothing and scream that you raped her!”

“Never open your door to receive a package, the UPS person could be a false rape accuser!”

“Don’t rely on a dog to keep you safe. False accusers are often prepared to deal with dogs.”

“Trim hedges and bushes, you never know when a woman might be hiding behind one ready to accuse you of rape!”

“Fill the backseat of your car with dogs so that a woman doesn’t hide there and accuse you of kidnapping and raping her!”

“Never give out your full name, or you will be accused of rape.”

“Don’t spend unnecessary time in a laundry room or a woman may come in and accuse you of rape!”

Bee
Bee
9 years ago

Joanna, no need for accusations. As a woman you can get someone to give you a car just by sitting in the street crying. Or … that’s what the slaveman said. I assume it must be true.