Today, in episode two of Man Boobz Super Fun Time Video Party, we present a brief monologue which we’ve entitled “Take the Stairs,” which was originally posted on Reddit’s Men’s Rights subreddit. It provides crucial information for men who don’t wish to face false accusations from some office floozy.
The full text of the original posting is below, for those who for some reason don’t appreciate little cartoon animals and/or text-to-speech.
Here’s the original posting:
I avoid interacting with the few female coworkers I have more than what is absolutely required. You never know when you’ll be accused of sexual harassment or even rape. It happens everywhere and I think if you don’t take your precautions it’s only a matter of a short amount of time before it happens to you. Whenever I get involved in a hiring situation I will most likely pick a man over a woman. While a woman may very well be the best candidate that doesn’t count for much when she’s disruptive as everyone has to tip-toe around her.
I used to take the elevator at work, but now I always take the stairs. That’s just a precaution I take against women who could potentially use the situation to make false accusations (you know like ripping her shirt open and running out of the elevator crying in front of a lot of witnesses and then start accusing me of attempting rape). That’s just one of the many things I’ve ended up doing in order to stay safe. All these safety measures add up and I’ve never been falsely accused of anything because they’ve just never had the opportunity to make an accusation that could stick. I’m sure a feminist will come along one day who will just completely pull something out of her ass despite of me having an alibi or witnesses, but that will be easily dismissed I’d hope.
Since a woman’s word trumps a man’s word whenever he doesn’t have an alibi a man just has to be very cautious. Don’t let a woman be around you on her own; better safe than sorry.
Even the Men’s Rights Redditors considered this a tad paranoid.
EDITED TO ADD: Props to this thread on Something Awful, which led me to the Reddit posting.
Most of my co-workers are women, and yet somehow I’ve never had one accuse me of rape or harrassment or anything. One actually encouraged me to give her backrubs, which I of course did, and she loved them.
I must be doing something wrong.
Also, be sure to whistle to keep those elephants away! I do it every half an hour every day and I haven’t been attacked by a rampaging elephant once! Better safe than sorry!
I actually laughed out loud at this. Has anyone in the history of mankind actually done such a thing? Really!?
The dedication these dudes have to their absolutely absurd paranoia is really something else.
Damn it! I knew I forgot to do something this week! There are still a few male co-workers I haven’t yet falsely accused of sexual harassment or rape!
You’d think if the nightmare “feminist” dystopia this person thinks he lives in actually existed, the courts would be so clogged with false rape and sexual harassment charges that they pretty much wouldn’t have time for anything else.
What’s hilarious is that these How Not To Be Accused Of Rape lists are just as useless as the How Not To Be Raped lists. Seriously, nobody has ever been raped in a stairwell in the history of history?
To be fair, and I’m not going to say this guy is not paranoid, but it does show that men can and do “err on the side of caution” as well and thus have no right to dismiss Schrodinger’s Rapist. I have come to this conclusion myself, as well.
Well, those are some interesting sex fantasies.
Ah, but what will he do when his female coworkers are forced to take the stairs because men invented elevators? The stairwells will be filled with women eager to rip their shirts open in front of him!
Can’t he narrow it down to women who would have some sort of reason to falsely accuse him of rape?
Making a false accusation means, at a minimum, that you’re going to spend four hours in the ER with strangers rooting around in your crotch, two hours in the police station talking to strangers about your crotch, and umpty-zillion hours in court getting grilled by a hostile stranger about your crotch. And that’s if you don’t get shunned by your family or friends or partner, and if your accusee’s friends don’t track you down, and your name doesn’t get out in the media. It’s kind of a pain in the ass.
So if a woman’s only apparent motive for making a false accusation would be “shits and giggles,” I think you’re pretty safe with her.
Actually, Holly, we don’t know the entire situation. Maybe things like that have happened at his company before. I’m not saying that IS the case, I’m just saying we don’t know.
Casey – You think women have accused men of rape for shits and giggles at his company before?
I said I don’t know.
Just maybe he’s never been falsely accused of anything because it really isn’t as common a phenomenon as this idiot thinks.
“Just maybe he’s never been falsely accused of anything because it really isn’t as common a phenomenon as this idiot thinks.”
Here, everyone, if you hit these two sticks together, you won’t get attacked by cougars!
(pun totally intended)
caseymordred: You know how *I* know there hasn’t been a rash of false rape accusations at this guy’s workplace? Because I live in the real world.
So, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one whose first thought was “This sounds like those paranoid How-Not-To-Get-Raped lists.”
Do you have anything of use to add to this discussion, Black? You would think I’d be glad that I’ve shown how this completely exonerates Schrodinger’s Rapist, by showing that men might show caution in their own lives, justified or not, as well.
I’m not saying that caseymordred does feed babies to hyenas in his basement, I’m just saying we don’t know.
You’re half right.
I am part-hyena.
Now, nobody is saying that caseymordred developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies, but I’m just saying that we don’t know.
There might be an alternate explanation other than “women are laying in wait to falsely accuse this guy” if a man routinely has women running from him in tears with her clothes ripped.
I sense a trend here. What precisely was wrong with my formulation of that statement?
FTFY
But just to be safe you better stock up on Brawndo
Um . . . poltergeists?
Zombie Apocalypse?