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Female troubles

Truly, they is.

JayJet of Happy Bachelors has a few wise words for men who think it’s even possible to have a “friendship” with a female of the species:

The reason friendships are so tough to maintain with women is that women are conditioned to “use” you. Meaning, if they don’t see you as a romantic partner, they will consider you platonic-friend/cuddle-bitch/money-tool/emotional tampon so you can meet their needs at your expense. …

You’re better off not having friendships with women for these reasons. Your purpose for being with a female is simple: Sex. I’m sorry but anything beyond that is a road filled with pain.

But it could be worse. They could be alien females. And we all know what they do.

That’s right. They inhale your gonads. And not in a sexy way, either.

Let’s let Eddie Murphy explain, in this clip from Bowfinger (which for some reason won’t embed here properly).

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Doctress Julia
10 years ago

Oh, that sucks… have you any proof, like check stubs or receipts or anything? Cuz then you could take him to small claims court! I’m a seasoned pro at that… I know my way through the process with my eyes shut. lol

Bee
Bee
10 years ago

Narcissistic sociopathic professional gaslighter from Madison? I think I know him. Ha!

Maybe there’s more than one, though.

Doctress Julia
10 years ago

Uh, who’s hand is that…?

Doctress Julia
10 years ago

Oh, yes- there’s more than one.

filetofswedishfish
10 years ago

Oh, I could rustle up my bank records from this time last year showing like 5 months of me writing $800 bucks to the rental co each month, and then a $400 dollar check from him a bit later, and then just, no checks from him. And I have an email he sent me where he acknowledges that he owes me money. And I could get a check record of the time i gave him $50 to pay his child support to his first wife. Other than that, not really. I was just basically supporting him, and he swore up and down he’d pay me back. I should have had him sign something, but I didn’t. It’s at least $1200 (3 mo’s rent), but really more like 1800-2 grand, since I was paying electric w/ AC on it, and fancy HD cable package he wouldn’t cancel, and buying all the food. Ah well. I haven’t pestered him about it since January, so. Who knows? He was supposed to have gone to training to get his butterbar through the Army by now, but he still hasn’t contacted me like he said he would. He’s a sack of shit.

Doctress Julia
10 years ago

Wow. It’s gotta be a serial killer or something. I see he also has knuckle tats. Yow.

filetofswedishfish
10 years ago

Bee, he wasn’t in Madison, if you’re asking me. He was a douche in DeKalb. Though, he still lives in Illinois. Don’t date anyone from down by Kankakee, just to be sure!

Doctress Julia
10 years ago

That sounds like more than enough documentation to sue his ass. Should you ever choose to do so, I offer my super-special, not-a-lawyer-but-know-my-stuff helpy court services, for free of course. :3

I just like justice! 😀

Doctress Julia
10 years ago

Kankakee, LOL XDXDXD

filetofswedishfish
10 years ago

So you know Skankakee, eh? You might also know my hometown!

Alex
10 years ago

I never seem to make any close male friends. Then again, I don’t have many friends. Of the three friends I’ve actually made a hard effort to keep in contact with, two are female and the male was my boyfriend. We hug, play with each others’ hair, cry on each others’ shoulder, play-bite, poke, what have you.

However, I do have a lot of not-very-close friends both male and female, and I’m not very cuddly with them. I might cry in front of them, but not on their shoulders. Certainly they can cry to me too. People are people.

Jumbofish
Jumbofish
10 years ago

Silly laura don’t you know in mra land gay people don’t exist.

sydneycat
10 years ago

From my experience I had more interest in male friends when I was younger because I hated (and still hate) stereotypical girl things like going to the mall (for many of reasons not the least because I was and still am fat and the mall has little to offer us fatties.) and tittering over nothing. But then I went and found female friends who…wait for it…ALSO hated these things because not all women are some monolith of vapid, tittering, spiteful bitches. And I discovered awesome people of both sexes who enjoyed the same things I did. That’s what you build friendships on…shared experience and interests.
As a weird pseudo-evopsych observation, my friends and I refer to people being either hunters or gathers at shopping. I’m a hunter…I know what I want, look for it, either find it or don’t and get out. Gatherers are people who like to look at everything, compare prices, stroll around the mall etc.

Wanderer
Wanderer
10 years ago

And besides, everyone should sign up so they can enjoy all the Happy Bachelors fun times themselves!

Like I said, they have to approve you first. Are they even still doing that? Granted, I just signed up today, so perhaps they’re not that quick. That said, I’m surprised they let you in, apparently. Perhaps it was different when you first signed up?

darksidecat
10 years ago

@Debbie, my brother isn’t that bad, and he grew out of cheating at boardgames (mostly, he lied to me in Clue a few months ago…) My brother was the youngest of us older three and we were all pretty close in age, so the fact that he was more timid and sensitive in personality often made him feel insecure. He did go through a phase in middle school where he acted like an asshole sometimes to try and impress guys who picked on him for being chubby and not very aggressive in personality, but he grew out of it when he realized that it was driving away all of the people who actually liked him. Still, even at the height of his pseudo-macho adolescent posturing, I can’t picture him talking about his girlfriends the way MRAs talk about women they want to date. I certainly can’t picture him saying stuff like that now about his wife (who is a nice woman). Yes, we disagree plenty, but I don’t really see him as an NWO, MRAL, or even an Ion.

I am horrible with the “crying shoulder” bit. When I am distressed, I usually want to be alone and do not want to be touched, so attempts to console me often feel like invasions that I have to endure while I am already feeling crappy. I typically respond to crying adults with a sort of awkward alarm and offering them stuff. “Would you like a soda?” “I could make toast?” (babies and small kids generally want specific things when they cry, so they are much easier) though I have started going with watching eyebrows (this makes people think you are making eye contact without the disturbing eye contact) and nodding while saying every so often things like “I know.” “That is awful.” which seems to work better. I do listen to what people tell me and try to remember it, but crying people don’t just say “I want a hug and for you to tell me X, Y, and Z”, they just assume you know what they want, but it often is not clear to me.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
10 years ago

My male friend is going to use me tonight…use me to drive him home from Maricopa to north Phoenix, a distance of a 100 miles. The bastard. 🙂

Debbie
10 years ago

Ami: Glad to hear that he is just parodying…I will also ask advice hehe

Darksidecat: Thats good to hear! My brother is actually 15 years older then me so it kinda sad that he still acts like a jerk and will probably never grow out of it.

Back on topic honestly, I have mostly male friends but it is not because I hate other woemn..it is just that well, most of my hobbies tend to fall into masculine things like video games, comics, off roding and table top RPGS…No one has ever accused me of leading them on or being an emotional tampon whater the hell that means.

Plymouth
Plymouth
10 years ago

I dunno, I think a lot of the time crying people just want it to “stop hurting damnit!” and actually have no idea how you or anyone else can make that happen. (said the INTJ who is not very good at empathy)

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

OK, I don’t have a ton of time to read the whole threads here anymore. It’s worse than Sadly, no, I swear.

So I am a bad person, because I find myself skimming to find the Usual Troll Suspects, because I know they will be horrible and stupid, and that commenters will fillet them nicely.

So I am a bad person, but zombie, yanno.

caseymordred
caseymordred
10 years ago

What it comes down to is this:

Men sexually objectify lots of women, and thus they are desperate for a way to find a method that works on all of them, and they can’t stand it when they realize they can’t find the single answer to that equation.

Arielle
Arielle
10 years ago

So basically, these types of guys are socially awkward/inadequate and decide to take their frustration out on women who they perceive to be “using” them. Boo-hoo!

alphaassholecockcarousel
alphaassholecockcarousel
10 years ago

Your purpose for being with a female is simple: Sex. I’m sorry but anything beyond that is a road filled with pain.

Well, I’m into S&M, so I’m on a road filled with pain either way.

redlocker
10 years ago

@alphaassholecockcarousel: Thank you so much for making my night with that comment.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
10 years ago

A friend of mine said that this guy stole his comment from Sam Kinison.

“She says, ‘Can’t we be still like see each other once in a while and have lunch or see a movie? Just to be friends?’ I said ‘Yeah, friends, I think I know what you mean. I’ve become some kind of emotional tampon that you need four or five days a month when no one else will take your F—ING bullshit. But we don’t F–K, right? Isn’t that what friends is, we don’t F–K, right

Plymouth
Plymouth
10 years ago

Well, I’m into S&M, so I’m on a road filled with pain either way.

Ohh, baby, somebody needs a spanking!

zhinxy
zhinxy
10 years ago

Not only have I been blessed with roughly equal numbers of male and female friends in my life…. I’ve had the experience of becoming attracted to a kind, caring, close, heterosexual male friend, and asking him out – Only to discover he was only hanging around me because he was interested in my friendship! Which continued on as before!

filetofswedishfish
10 years ago

I don’t get where the not-sexing-your-friends thing got into these guy’s heads. I, and others, have mentioned the various ways they get with friends. I don’t anymore because I have FoSB, obviously. But maybe these dudes should get more feminist, sex positive friends who are ok with the idea. Granted then these sorts of men would screech “SLUT!”, so, you can’t win, really.

ithiliana
10 years ago

@filetofswordfish: the fact that they cannot win fills me with unholy evil fymynst glee!

Truly, though, the absolutely rigid binary structure they’ve locked themselves into is sooo depressing in so many ways.

figleaf
10 years ago

Funny thing is if you reverse the two paragraphs in the Happy Bachelor post it makes complete sense. Condense it down a bit and the problem becomes even clearer. “You’re better off not having friendships with women… your purpose for being with a female is simple: sex.” and “…friendships are so tough to maintain with women… conditioned to ‘use you.'”

Except I’d modify that last sentence to “…conditioned to ‘use you’ back.

Call it the used car sales conundrum — the context is that no matter how friendly, helpful, approachable, aloof, negative, positive, clueless, well-informed, naive, experienced the parties are the relationship is generally adversarial enough that trust is close to zero and “use” is therefore high. For better or worse, on a used car lot cynicism, mistrust, and (mutual) exploitation are the order of the day. Any customer who wanders onto a lot with an open heart will leave with an empty wallet. Any salesperson who’s genuinely generous will leave not only with an empty wallet but, significantly, they’ll leave the lot with a bad reputation for being unable to “score” in the eyes of their peers and managers. The first might be hard, the second can be catastrophic because customers come and go (and for some reason rarely return) while your boss and co-workers are there for as long as you can keep your job… by screwing your customers hard enough that it hurts but not so hard they call a lawyer, a legislator, or a cop.

While that really might be the only way to do business on a used-car lot it’s not the only way to have relationships with the opposite sex, sexual or otherwise.

What’s tough, though, is that Bachelor guy thinks he’s revealing a basic insight. Instead he’s just actively polishing a set of gender stereotypes he clearly (and sensibly!) detests.

figleaf

Graham
10 years ago

I made a cartoon with you guys in mind. Imagine the comments thread will get interesting:

Plymouth
Plymouth
10 years ago

filetofswedishfish – yup, me too. I’ve had sex with several of my friends (including a couple of female friends) and some of my very best friends are exes of mine. But these days I am being at least temporarily monogamous (“temporarily” being “seven years*” which is the longest I’ve been monogamous ever. We don’t expect that to last our whole lives but it works right now.). I still do occasionally make out with friends though 🙂

*actually our 7 year anniversary is next Tuesday!

Snowy
Snowy
10 years ago

Happy Anniversary!

Victoria von Syrus
Victoria von Syrus
10 years ago

I don’t get where the not-sexing-your-friends thing got into these guy’s heads.

Probably because most of them cross the Douchebag Threshold for being the sort of person that their (few) female friends would enjoy having sex with. I’m currently monogamous, but I’ve slept with several friends before and enjoyed the experience. It’s awesome if you’re both just looking for a physical connection without a romantic one. Then again, current bf and I were friends for years before hopping into bed together, so you never know.

Marc
Marc
10 years ago

Could you please be a bit more discrete about your sexual encounters and whom you had sex with? Thanks.

Dustin
Dustin
10 years ago

The whole emotional tampon thing pops up again and again. And yet it’s pretty hard to imagine a person trusting these dudes enough to open up about their feelings to them. Do women like sharing deeply personal parts of themselves with guys who don’t give a shit?

karalora
10 years ago

a) I think you mean discreet.

b) How is she not being discreet? She didn’t name any names; she just said she’s boinked her guy friends before.

Snowy
Snowy
10 years ago

Marc, why the hell do you care? Thanks.

ithiliana
10 years ago

Snowy: I think Marc’s hoping we’lll all start posting steamy stories and he’ll have blackmail material, or something.

I may be giving him too much credit.

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

I once had sex in a parking lot… and a stairwell… and several elevators….

xD

Also on the moon! :3

Snowy
Snowy
10 years ago

Wanking material more like it, Ithiliana.

footnotegirl
footnotegirl
10 years ago

I have had lots of male friends. When I was growing up, I was a bit of a tomboy, so my very best friends were two boys who would build christmas tree forts with me, and climb trees, and play ghost hunters, etc. I was very bad at being a stereotypical girly girl at that point.
I am very good at it now.
As I got older, I still had male friends at least on the same level as female friends. One I slept with, and it was okay, and we’re both friends still, the rest I did not (except of course my husband who is not only my husband but my bestest friend ever). Currently my non-husband very best friend is a guy who I’ve known 11 years. He and his wife put me up for free in their basement when I moved across country but for the most part, I’ve been the one supporting him through serious life issues. I would never in a kajillion years sleep with him. He is not my type whatsoever, nor am I his. We consider eachother adopted siblings, and I consider his daughters my nieces (and the youngest who has known me most of her life considers me her aunt).

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
10 years ago

*posts a super seeekret sex story that only the “in crowd” gets to hear about*

Captain Bathrobe
10 years ago

Seriously, Marc, speak for yourself.

Thomas
Thomas
10 years ago

“I once had sex in a parking lot… and a stairwell… and several elevators….
xD
Also on the moon! :3”

Totally unrelated but did anyone ever had sex in space? I suppose sex without gravity is possible but did anyone try it? I mean, after we finally managed to destroy planet earth and have to flee to space this issue becomes kind of important.

Pecunium
10 years ago

FoS: He’s aiming for a commission? And he has oustanding debts? You can get them paid. The easy way (which is to say the one that will do him the least harm) is to send a copy of the records, and an explanation, to his CO. That will put a fire under his ass.

If you tell his CO that this has been going on long enough that you are considering a small claims, or other legal, action it will light a moderate fire under the CO’s ass, since that would hamper the granting of a clearance (esp. if he’s branching for something which requires a TS), and that’s something the CO won’t want, because it will hurt the CO’s “Q status” on his MTOE. Don’t worry about the jargon, it’s just that a hit on his subordinates ability to do their jobs reflects on him, and unpaid debts (esp. in officers) are a big no-no in the Army.

Pecunium
10 years ago

ami: I don’t find it odd, to read, “males/females” but that’s because in the Army we use the locution, “males” and “females” when referring to circumstances where the sex of the particpants matters.

Pecunium
10 years ago

All of my sex has been discrete. Most of it has also been discreet.