Welcome to this week’s ALL-WEEKEND OPEN THREAD DANCE PARTY, BALLET SHOPPING EDITION! Talk about whatever you want, post links, etc.
Actually, by special request, there are two topics that are not allowed in this thread: False rape accusations and Andrea Dworkin. All comments referencing either (or both) will be deleted. Party hard!
Sarah: What I find fascinating about the AP readings (I do Eng Lit) is the variety–people in their twenties to people in their seventies.All over the country, every size school. Teaching high school, community college, university, but all English. Great conversations, and yes, grading all day (with mid-morning, lunch, and afternoon breaks, but still), and actually enjoying it. It’s a totally different world.
Last year, my table did not go out for a drink–but my table leader is a convivial partying sort of guy, and he suggested it, and we went, and it was fun.
I’m not sure your depression is the issue. You seem to be aware of it and your bf is as well. Have you asked him if this plays a part in his distance?
Some more questions–how long have you been together? How old are you all (if you don’t mind my asking)?
I’m not loving the whole distant behavior thing. Worst case scenario, you do break up, and is that really the worst thing? There are people out there who are willing to share of themselves.
Sarahejones–it’s got to be pretty hard to talk with your bf if you’re feeling utter despair and fear about breaking up. So much pressure… What would happen if you two did break up? End of a relationship, but would it also be the end of your housing situation, or your plans for university? (so much pressure…)
And the reason I’m not loving the distance is because that be a very controlling behavior. You “step out of line” as he could see it and he punishes you by withdrawing.
I’m not saying that is the case here, but something to think about.
^can be. Wish there was an edit function.
Sarahe, I first want make sure you’re still going to your therapy, and if you have meds you’re still taking them. I remember you talking about this stuff before, and I don’t want to sound like I’m nagging or anything, but I think that’s a very important first step, just in general!
Second (should this have been first?) *hugs* I understand how stressful and hard this stuff can be. It’s ok to feel sad, and be confused and stressed. And to sometimes be bitchy and lash out. You are still an awesome person. *hugs*
Now, onto situation specific advice: When he said he wanted a break, was that an explicit break from dating? Or is he just really busy, and dosen’t have time to see you?
If he is responding to your concerns about him being too distant by pulling even further away, that’s a really bad sign. He may not be thinking about breaking up, but he’s not looking after your well being enough! And want you want and need out of the relationship is very important!
One of the things I have trouble with in relationships, and I suspect you do to, is thinking that everything is my fault. I’m always striving to be perfect, perfectly loving and kind and supportive and funny and all that jazz. And then when we fight, and I’m feeling insecure and disappointed, I look at what I did wrong. And sometimes, it’s the other person. I’m still learning how to let the other person be wrong, and how that’s not a reflection on me, you know? So if the relationship dosen’t work out, it’s at least partially because of the other person. It’s not all my fault!
And my point is, that it’s not all your fault! (Am I projecting on you? If you don’t have this particular issue, I’m sorry.) Just because you are sometimes difficult to deal with dosen’t absolve him of his responsibility to take care of you. Because people in relationships take care of each other, even if one person has a mental illness.
And, well, honestly, I think him wanting to take a break is probably a prelude to him wanting to break up with you. And even if it’s not, I’m not overly impressed with how he’s handling himself in this relationship. That is not an appropriate way to react to someone requesting more closeness! Are you sure really want to date him?
I spent a long time dating a man who didn’t provide enough closeness and emotional support before I finally broke it off with him. I always blamed myself for being too needy. But I finally realized that *he* wasn’t hugging me enough. That dosen’t make him a bad person, or me. We were just incompatible, and I should have broke it off with him long before I did. And we’re still friends now! And I till love him! It just didn’t work out as I had originally hoped.
So… yeah. These things are hard. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* I hope my ramblings helped at least a little bit!
Aw, man. Sorry if that was tl;dr! But Sarahe, your situation really resonates with me! And I wish I could make everything better for you. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
sarahejones: That sucks. I’m sorry your relationship is more distant than you want it to be. I am not great with the giving of advice, but here I go:
1. I don’t know if you both want to go to England equally, or if one of you is going for the other, but if it’s at all the latter, that’s going to put a lot more pressure on your relationship.
2. Being depressed and in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself, insecure, etc., is not workable in the long-term.
3. If you want to ask your boyfriend to make changes, start by asking him for small, concrete things, like a date night or a daily chat, not You always do [thing], and I need more [abstract feeling]! (Not that you’d do that…)
That’s all I got, besides hugs! If you want them.
Hey all, thanks for the responses 🙂 It’s probably relevant to note that I’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past. That’s when I was assaulted, and my ex was also psychologically manipulative. He asked for some space too, and that’s when he broke up with me (I should have broken up with him, of course, but depression does funny things). My partner knows this, and hasn’t been abusive so far. We do live together, and he makes more than I do–I have no idea where I’d go if we’d break up, which isn’t a good thing for either of us. Thanks to my ex, I can be extremely hypersensitive about things, so when my boyfriend asked for space, I got nervous. Still am.
He says he does want to go to England for school, though I probably do want it more. And we’re both stressed-I already know I’m accepted, he doesn’t know about his application. So we have no idea what’s happening in September. I’d be crushed if we broke up. But every time I mention things about the relationship that I’m not comfortable with, he states that it’s not working out, and then we always end up talking it out and we’re fine. For a while.
Really, I’m just confused. Like all my decisions are bad ones. I don’t want to bitchy, I don’t want to be unstable or moody or anything similar. But I also feel like I’m grasping at thin air with him. If that makes sense.
@sarahejones,
I can’t say anything to help, as my boyfriend of six years just broke up with me last weekend, but I empathize. *hugs hugs hugs* I hope it works out for you, I really do. I don’t think I’m bi-polar, but I do have my moments of depression, and a history of sexual assault, so I know it’s hard. Again, I don’t really have advice for you, but I empathize.
*hugs* for both Sarahe and Alex! Alex, I am very sorry about your break up. It was probably for the best, but still, that stuff is hard. I empathize and support you! If you want to talk about stuff, I’m happy to listen, any time!
Sarahe, it’s ok that you are feeling confused. And it’s ok to feel unstable, sometimes we just feel unmoored. I understand. It makes perfect sense to me.
Not all of your decision are bad ones! Sometimes you need to feel confidence in what you decide. It is not always your fault. *hugs*
I understand the feeling of grasping without him. But, whatever happens, you need to find confidence in yourself. That’s challenging, I know, but you are awesome. Your decisions are good. And you are complete person with out him.
My offer to Alex stands to you, too. If you need to vent I am happy to listen. We can exchange screen names, or something.
Even if your partner is not abusive, he may not fill your needs. And that’s ok. It’s ok to ask for what you want, and it’s ok to move on if you don’t receive it. That dosen’t make him a bad person, and it dosen’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human with disparate needs. And you are a strong person! Even if it dosen’t seem that way, I have faith in your ability to seek your own happiness.
I am not sure what to say about the issue of where you live if things go pear-shaped. Do you have friends, or family? I don’t know. But still, seeking out what is best for you in a relationship is ideal.
Good luck, whatever happens! <3
*BIG HUGS TO EVERYBODY*
I’m back! I wanted to vent but not after reading the bigger issues ppl are dealing w/ 🙁
I wish I had any advice : Like Sarah, if nebody wants to talk to me, I’m on FB and AIM, MSN, Google and Yahoo :3 *hugs to Sarah E and Alex* 🙁
The distance thing is def something to be concerned about : I dunno the situation or your b/f but the distance then “well it’s not working out” thing when you talk to him,and then back to it being ok, and then repeat is a worrying cycle : Is it possible for you both to get therapy or counselling together? : esp if you plan to make such a big move (moving to go to uni together) you should prolly make sure everything is okay, and he rly isn’t having 2nd thoughts or nething : I wonder if maybe he is, but he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” and is hoping you might just break it off if things go sour enuf? : I dunno, as I said I dunno him, but in my exp sometimes that can be the case 😐 (that doesn’t mean it is now tho! I’ve just seen it happen al ot : recently to a male friend of mine, where his g/f was rly yo yoing him around and it was a rly abusive relationship, and she did the distance thing, wanting him to end it and be the “bad guy” ) :
rawr 🙁 but if you 2 can see a therapist/counsellor together that could be useful and also help sort things out w/ somebody there also so nobody feels like they’re on an island :
Rawr 🙁
am sry.. i prolly made thing sworse -_-
Long story short, I did see him, I can’t tell how he feels, he’s RLY tired (he seems to have gotten like 10 hours of sleep in 5 days -_- poor guy 🙁 ) so I can’t tell if he’s just exhausted or I’m annoying him or : I got left out a lot… he was w/ his friends and they were mostly tlaking to him.. I said we should hang out some other day after and he said that’d be great.. and that was about it : I spent about 2 hours w/ him and his friends but mostly as the 5th wheel 😐 I did make him laugh w/ some jokes tho xD
the march was ok.. xD I got a billion pictures taken of me.. everybody wanted to take pix of me.. or w/ me… so I posed a lot.. there’s prolly a lot of photos of me online now xD Everybody loved the wings.. also a lot of guys were hitting on me and one guy was being rly creepy staring at me then tried to touch me and stuff and luckily I had the guy and his friends around me so I wasn’t alone.. he followed me out of the restaurant we were in but that was it :]
I met a friend of a friend later who RLY was like the epitome of what MRAs think all women are like (whines about nice guys, wishes a bad boy would push her around, etc) and I just kept being amused how they’d hold her up as a shining example! (except there’s a twist to the narrative they prolly wouldn’t expect xD )
i got a ton of compliments so that’s good for the ol self esteem xD also got reminders of how even in a trans march, I’m still the outgroup… since I also got a lot of “where are you from? No really where are you from?” stuff and ppl wanting me to speak Japanese or some other Asian language that I do not know to them… and “omg I didn’t know there were Asian transgirls!” and.. yeah.. fun -_-;;
I’m trying to get the pix up so ppl can see my outfit :3 Sry about rambling cuz as I said before, this rly isn’t that important : I feel kinda crummy about the whole guy i like thing.. I feel like I rly blew it and prolly pissed him off 🙁
that is all :
Here are pix of me at Trans Pride and of the crowd gathering before :3
(the girl w/ me is some girl I marched w/.. my luck to be holding a banner w/ the ONE GIRL who was getting more attn than my wings xD we traded FB info and left friends tho :3
There were a lot of ppl gathering to take pix, most were supportive, a few were there to take pix of the freaks and geeks which is >_> good for them I guess, if that’s what they do on a Canada’s Day sure xD but still.. jerky…(why do I suspect trolls are gonna show up saying THIS IS THE SAME THING, YOU’RE JUST LIKE THOSE TRANSPHOBES! xD )
http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx134/ami_angelwings/cam/Trans%20March%202011/IMG_8331.jpg
http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx134/ami_angelwings/cam/Trans%20March%202011/IMG_8330.jpg
http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx134/ami_angelwings/cam/Trans%20March%202011/IMG_8328.jpg
http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx134/ami_angelwings/cam/Trans%20March%202011/IMG_8327.jpg
The march was pretty good, kinda disorganized, the crowd was fun :] There were dogs and children! Yup, trans parents brought their adorable little children and they marched and had fun w/ us 😀 I bet NWO is rly upset now xD I want him in between naps to go start yelling about how NAMBLA prolly was in the march too xD
Also there was some amusing HS pettiness.. as one friend of a friend apparently blames me for her not getting a job (tho there were 5 positions, i dunno why it’s me xD ) and she’s an Asian trans girl too, but she got all jealous about how attractive I am and how young (she guessed 21) and apparently we both like the same guy o_o XD so.. ok… Ami Angelwings is the queen bee of the universe o_o;; But that was more fun than nething and I dun think she was serious xD It makes the guy I like some sort of Alpha now tho doesn’t it? xD
Neways… so yeah… *points* photos :3 and wings! that is all 😀
hey, weekend open thread OT pushing of my bloggo. Actually, my alternative bloggo.
y’see, this is the onset weekend of The World’s Largest Music Festival, and I go all kind of AWOL for it. I doubt David could bring himself to cross the Cursed Border, it being in Wisconsin and all, but still; I have set up an entirely separate website and blog for it, so this is where I can be found (unless of of course you actually find me at the Fest, in which case just go ahead and BUY ME A BEER ALREADY).
Ahem. Anyway:
http://web.mac.com/blm/Summerfestblog/Home.html
see you all after my ears stop ringing.
It looks like fun, Ami. I’m glad the guy wants to meet up later. You look so cute! I can’t imagine you blowing it, or pissing him off!
Thanks for sharing the photos! Did you have fun? It sounds fun … except for some of the more not-fun stuff. But mostly fun!
Yay! All hail queen bee Ami! *buzzzzz*
Speedlines: that is not grog. That is a sort of rum toddy.
Grog (per the Royal Navy) was 1 part rum,. one part lemon juice (limes didn’t travel well, and the juice went useless in pretty short order), and four parts water.
If you want to make it, the rum to use is, “Pusser’s”, The blue label, not the red.
Not only is it as close as could be recreated the rum the RN used, some of the proceeds go to the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Home.
Ami you look amazing! I’m off to London Pride today, hopefully will get some pictures 😀
Yay! Presumably London Pride has since shaped up it’s act since this stuff 3 years ago :] Have a great time! :3
@Ami I don’t think you blew it, Ami. You said you wanted to hang out again and he said that would be great – that doesn’t sound like he’s turned off or not interested. And the thing with his friends, well, I’ve known guys to do that when they’re nervous. “I really like her! This is scary! I’ll surround myself with my forty best friends while I figure out how to talk to her!” So, FWIW, I don’t think hope is lost. 🙂
Thank you for the pictures! I’m glad you had a (mostly) good time.
As for NWO, he can go choke on his own bile.
@Sarahejones I wish I could say something that would be useful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this.
((((((hugs))))))) if you would like them.
Ami: Wow, that’s horrible, I certainly hope they have! Thank you 🙂
Hey, can I get a link to the cards? I want to show 13 mine. Say hi 13. hi.
Hi 13!!!!!!! You’re, like, manboobz famous.
He just laughed and turned red. Silly boy.
Hee hee!
Here’s the link to all of them. I see yours on the first page.
Have a fun night!