Categories
creepy douchebaggery I'm totally being sarcastic men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA

Sunny side up

Sexy!

Good news, horny straight dudes! I can now report that the best, most efficient, most SCIENTIFIC way to score with the ladies is to figure out when they’re ovulating – and then act like a dick towards them!

Don’t take my word for it. Take the word of KRAUSER PUA, a guy so suave and superior his whole name is in ALL CAPS. As he explains in a recent blog post:

One of the things I’ve been meaning to do for months is to start tracking my targets with more scientific precision. …

It’s pretty clear that girls in peak ovulation are the best bets for first-time sex. It’s also clear they respond well to douchebag / aloof asshole game.

So here’s what I’m doing. I’ve just set up a spreadsheet to track all my active / still alive targets. Each one has a four rows representing each week of their cycle. Whenever I get any evidence to suggest they are in one particular week I’ll input it alongside the date. …  Examples of evidence:

Week 1 – Bleeding: tells me she’s on the rag, allows sexual touching but stops me at her panties, wears trousers, smells funny

Week 2 – Normal: no unusual behavior

Week 3 – Ovulation: dresses sexy, talks and flirts, initiates touching, responds well to everything, allows escalation, gives back in sex chats, wisfully seeks excitement, goes clubbing

Week 4 – PMS: frumpy, lack of makeup, confused, bad moods, rejects all alpha / gamey banter, lack of interest in returning texts and calls

Seems like a foolproof strategy to me!

I think the only thing I would change is the wording. “Ovulation” has such a clinical, unsexy sound to it. I much prefer the slag term I just invented, “gettin’ eggy.”

It also makes the whole strategy much easier to remember. Just repeat the following “success mantra” every morning while you brush your teeth:

When she’s gettin’ eggy

It’s time to neggy

If all else fails, guys, you can always make a soft-boiled egg and fuck that.

184 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Victoria von Syrus
Victoria von Syrus
13 years ago

I thought Arksibalt was some sort of weird name taken from Neal Stephenson’s book Anathem, though the character in the novel was called Arsibalt and really wasn’t much of a troll.

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

Why is it the PUAs always get so quiet on this blog whenever I ask for dating advice? o_O

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

Anybody in Toronto showing up to the Trans March tmrw btw? 😀 You dun have to march, you can just watch! (apparently we’re doing something subversive tmrw and breaking from what Pride organizers want us to do xD )

Graham
13 years ago

Comment under the article David quotes from:

“Birth control pills are timed to trigger menses and “ovulation” on Tuesdays. So if she or enough of her female flatmates are on the pill, you just have to figure out the nearest Tuesday to her cycle and you’ll probably be close enough.”

There are no words.

cynickal
cynickal
13 years ago

Ami, obviously you need to hit him over the head with a club and drag him back to your cave. After all, WE HUNTED MAMMOTHS FOR YOU!!!!

Or, you could, you know, have a conversation with him. People are complex so I’m afraid I have nothing to contribute without seeing how the two of you interact.

But hopefully you’ll have lots in common and “things will just happen” 🙂

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

I hope so! I haven’t had a lot of time to actually spend w/ him cuz outside of when we were working together 🙁 And his friend often likes to drag him away… I’ve rly only spend that 1 day w/ him (when his friend was not there)

Johnny Pez
13 years ago

I believe the phrase is “you have disgraced the penis”.

Ami, I’d like to help with your research, but my dating stats sorta flatlined after I got married.

Also too, part 3 of my “Magyc: the Gendering” fanfic is now up. This week’s episode features special guest star Doctress Julia.

Arks
Arks
13 years ago

@Ami: maybe it’s because the concept of ‘dating advice’ for women is patently ridiculous. Never mind that forward women are uncouth themselves, it’s a female’s job to play coy (see: Bateman’s Principle) and betraying this well-established dynamic means you are starting your relationship on intrinsically faulty grounds. I wouldn’t be surprised if your compliments just drive him further away, if he’s a smart man then it’ll be an immediate red-flag.

luke123
luke123
13 years ago

“Trifles by Susan Gaspell. A short play.

http://www.vcu.edu/engweb/eng384/trifles.htm

The short story version is called ‘A jury of her peers’

Trollin'MRAs
Trollin'MRAs
13 years ago

@theLaplaceDemon

I would say The Game makes women less susceptible to The Game.

The thing about Gamers is, they can’t stop talking about THE GAME on the internet. The more people learn about PUA, the more likely they are to avoid any man using it because the people who talk about THE GAME online are all massive robocreeps.

See, PUA and THE GAME are like periods…
People should never, ever speak of them again. ;D

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

Yeah… whenever ppl try to GAME me it’s always pretty obvious and I go XD in my head xD

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

@Johnny I read it! My comments are in the other thread xD

Johnny Pez
13 years ago

Thanks for the compliments, Ami! I do it for the ego-boost, you know.

Now we just have to keep nagging Sarah until she starts writing stories too.

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

I can’t wait! She alrdy told me what a little of what she’s writing :3 It involves Dworkin XD

Comrade Svilova
Comrade Svilova
13 years ago

Ami, I’ve been lurking, but just wanted to de-lurk to say, go for it! I’m a ciswoman who has always asked guys out and been the one to move things forward in relationships. It takes the pressure off for some guys, an they like it. And if he’s threatened by you taking the initiative … well, that’s not a great sign, is it? He should be secure enough in himself that no matter who “leads” or takes initiative, you are both having a good time!

So I think Kave’s idea is good to get it out in the open, or you could ask him out. You mentioned in another thread that you don’t have opportunities to see him much, or opportunities to see him without his friend. So make some plans in person. 🙂

But whatever you do, I’m sure you’ll do it well.

And yeah, I’m a ciswoman who gets really horny during my period. And I have a 40+ day cycle, that sometimes switches to 28 or 36 or something else. This spreadsheet idea is hilarious.

Comrade Svilova
Comrade Svilova
13 years ago

Also:

[blockquote] I wouldn’t be surprised if your compliments just drive him further away, if he’s a smart man then it’ll be an immediate red-flag.[/blockquote]

So if women aren’t nice to men we’re spitting on them, but if we compliment them, we drive them away? What’s a girl to do??!?!

Doctress Julia
13 years ago

HOLY SHIT!!!! A story, and I’m in it??? SO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!! XD It’s funny, the people that hang out here are kinder to me than most of the ones I meet in meatspace. LOL meetspace… lol (puts down the bong)… I am super flattered and very delighted. :3 Y’all are the shit, truly…

I, too, get super horny when I’m menstruating. It’s hot, yet scary! Extra bonus: getting a thorough fucking makes the horrible, cold-sweat inducing cramps go away for a while. 🙂 /tmi?

Geez, it’s so hot out today! I hope it rains later… spreadsheets, HAHAAAH! XD

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

Just in case ppl missed it xD

Arks | June 30, 2011 at 4:50 pm
@Ami: maybe it’s because the concept of ‘dating advice’ for women is patently ridiculous. Never mind that forward women are uncouth themselves, it’s a female’s job to play coy (see: Bateman’s Principle) and betraying this well-established dynamic means you are starting your relationship on intrinsically faulty grounds. I wouldn’t be surprised if your compliments just drive him further away, if he’s a smart man then it’ll be an immediate red-flag.

XD Is that Arksibalt? o_O Like his nickname? xD

If so, that’s good :3 It means he responded 😀 So his advice is… I should not do nething and just smile and be coy? o: Does that mean I play “hard to get” and other things? Like what should I do if he compliments ME? He said he liked my hair the other time and my hair is half dyed XD (haven’t been able to afford to redye it) what’s the coy way to respond? o:

So if I compliment him, it’ll drive him away? :

Doctress Julia
13 years ago

Fuck, I’m still laughing about this guy… whatta fucking turd… XD

darksidecat
13 years ago

Could cis people please refrain from telling trans people their business re:disclosure (http://www.questioningtransphobia.com/?p=3829)? Also, a straight or bi trans woman wanting to date a straight or bi man is not a fetish, it is just a woman seeking to date a man because she is attracted to men.

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

No no no, I want more details.. so how SHOULD I act? : how do i let him know I’m interested? afterwards when ppl are going off to parties and clubs, what should I do to let him know I want to hang out w/ him? o: If I’m supposed to be “coy” there must be an effective way to do it right? Why would compliments scare him off? : Do men not like being complimented or knowing women find them attractive? o_O

Doctress Julia
13 years ago

Ami: try what I do. Say ‘I think you are so perfect right now. Would you like to have sex? (something something about protection or whatever)

It only works like once in every 10 times… I think I scare men away. But, when it does… 8D

Well, good luck- I’m thinking good vibes to you.

Arks
Arks
13 years ago

@ Svilova:

Oh please. As Einstein said “no matter what your problems are, I assure you, mine are far greater.” You might think that YOU have some conflicting choices and contradictory expectations, but a woman’s struggles are nothing compared to trying to reconcile the lies taught to men by womyn and feminist indoctrination. But don’t feel too bad, it’s your job as the priveleged class to not have any sense of perspective.

Ami Angelwings
13 years ago

That was v poe-tic xD

@Darksidecat TY! (about the disclosure thing) :3 I thought that Kave meant that the fetish was “army guys” tho… but that’s how I read it :]

caseymordred
caseymordred
13 years ago

I’ve not read the entire comments for this, so please forgive me if this reply is too short to merit entry into the discussion, but:

lol gamers.