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creepy douchebaggery I'm totally being sarcastic men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny PUA

Sunny side up

Sexy!

Good news, horny straight dudes! I can now report that the best, most efficient, most SCIENTIFIC way to score with the ladies is to figure out when they’re ovulating – and then act like a dick towards them!

Don’t take my word for it. Take the word of KRAUSER PUA, a guy so suave and superior his whole name is in ALL CAPS. As he explains in a recent blog post:

One of the things I’ve been meaning to do for months is to start tracking my targets with more scientific precision. …

It’s pretty clear that girls in peak ovulation are the best bets for first-time sex. It’s also clear they respond well to douchebag / aloof asshole game.

So here’s what I’m doing. I’ve just set up a spreadsheet to track all my active / still alive targets. Each one has a four rows representing each week of their cycle. Whenever I get any evidence to suggest they are in one particular week I’ll input it alongside the date. …  Examples of evidence:

Week 1 – Bleeding: tells me she’s on the rag, allows sexual touching but stops me at her panties, wears trousers, smells funny

Week 2 – Normal: no unusual behavior

Week 3 – Ovulation: dresses sexy, talks and flirts, initiates touching, responds well to everything, allows escalation, gives back in sex chats, wisfully seeks excitement, goes clubbing

Week 4 – PMS: frumpy, lack of makeup, confused, bad moods, rejects all alpha / gamey banter, lack of interest in returning texts and calls

Seems like a foolproof strategy to me!

I think the only thing I would change is the wording. “Ovulation” has such a clinical, unsexy sound to it. I much prefer the slag term I just invented, “gettin’ eggy.”

It also makes the whole strategy much easier to remember. Just repeat the following “success mantra” every morning while you brush your teeth:

When she’s gettin’ eggy

It’s time to neggy

If all else fails, guys, you can always make a soft-boiled egg and fuck that.

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Snowy
Snowy
9 years ago

Spearhafoc, it sounds to me like she likes you. She might be waiting for you to make a move, I mean it sounds like she already made the first move by asking you out/hugging you. Try a compliment about her eyes, or tell her that her hair looks pretty today, those are fairly innocuous. I definitely don’t think you misinterpreted anything just because her okc profile says “new friends” a lot of people will put that there just to try and discourage the creepers. It doesn’t mean she’s not possibly looking for something more.

Also, darksidecat and Ami thank you both for those really excellent pieces about the transphobia around disclosure, you couldn’t have said it better. I know how hard it is to be expected to be an “educator” about some kind of issue (race, class, transphobia, whatever) when it’s something you personally face every day and so I think that was commendable and above and beyond for you to explain it so well here.

Victoria von Syrus
Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

When I’m dating someone new, I get really anxious about physical contact. I want to hear that he thinks I’m attractive, but then if he does say I’m attractive oh god maybe that means he wants sex and do I want to have sex with this guy and if we do then what if it sucks or what if he wants a relationship and I don’t or I do and he doesn’t and maybe I should just be safe and hold back on the hugging and kissing.

So I’m guessing a bit as to where she’s coming from. Maybe she does like you but is having a case of nerves. Does she know you have Asperger’s? She might not want to go too fast if she knows, for fear of freaking you out.

Basically, the only person who can answer that question is she, herself. We can make all the guesses we can, but the only person who really knows what she’s feeling is her. Which means the only way to know for sure is to ask her.

My advice is to find a nice restaurant in town – not a diner, but it doesn’t have to be a super expensive fancy French restaurant, either. Tell her that you’ve really enjoyed spending time with her and you want to take her out to this restaurant. Work in the word ‘date’. Then it’s up to her how she wants to respond. I know it’s risky, but there’s no romance without risk!

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

I’m glad you’re ok with my explanation Ami – I didn’t want to step on toes or put words in your mouth! 🙂 At the same time I didn’t want FMRAs to think that people were being harsh when they weren’t… (easy enough to do, on this board where so many messed up things are said!)

ozymandias42
9 years ago

Note that my dating strategies were designed by a geeky girl for the purposes of seducing geeky guys at college, so they may or may not have application outside this arena.

What I do in this sort of situation, Spearhafoc, is a slow escalation of physical contact. Start out with something innocuous like having your legs touch each other or touching your elbow to hers on the movie seat or touching her shoulder to accentuate a point; if she pulls away, stop (if other signals are good, try again in a few days). Do this about three times (not all at the same time! Like, rest your legs together for five minutes or so, then go do something else for fifteen minutes or so, then touch her arm, et cetera) or possibly longer if you feel this is a good idea. Don’t be all WE’RE TOUCHING NOW about it, but very casual, like it’s an accident almost.

Then we move on to major physical contact. Usually what I do is to declare that I’m tired now and ask to fall asleep on whoever’s shoulder; I’m not sure how well this will work for people who are not me. If they say “no,” they’re probably not interested. If they say “yes,” it’s a positive sign, but not conclusive. If they say “yes” and then proceed to touch your shoulder, stroke your hair, etc., you’re golden.

If you get the “golden” or the yes and other positive signs (like compliments about your attractiveness, or sudden mysterious silences where you’re staring into each others’ eyes), then say something like “Would you mind if I kissed you?” If they say yes, then you’re good! If they say no, then it’s probably really awkward. :/

Also, if one of you paid for the other, it’s almost certainly a date.

Bee
Bee
9 years ago

Spearhafoc: Have you created a spreadsheet on her yet? I don’t think I can give any meaningful advice without a spreadsheet.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

lol@Bee

Fuck MRAs
Fuck MRAs
9 years ago

hahaha, yes, menstrual cycle status is QUITE OBVIOUSLY the most important piece of info, and you’ve left it out entirely.

M Dubz
M Dubz
9 years ago

I love how this post suggests that women are only sexy/flirty/interested in being sexytimes when the are ovulating. I’m pretty sure that the whole POINT of human sexuality is that women can be interested in sex at any point in their cycle. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that our friend Krauser thinks we are gibbons, complete with sexual swelling (that we emphasize with the sexy clothes?)

In other news, yay for Ami and Spearhafoc! I am utterly hopeless at boys, but my advice is to treat the period before you know if they like you or not like taking off a band-aid. Rip that sucker off as quickly as possible, and find out one way or the other. The longer you wait to ask, the more awkward it has the potential to become.

Spearhafoc
9 years ago

I think I’m going to ask about it over the phone tomorrow. I’m not sure when I’m going to see her again, and I think I’ll be a bit on edge if I don’t find out what’s going on as soon as I can. Rip the band-aid off, as M Dubz said.

I’d be fine with just being friends. Obviously, I’d rather something more, but I’ve gotten over infatuations before, making great friends in the long-run; I can do it again. She’s really great, and I’d hate to loose her completely.

Let me know if this is a terrible idea. I’m going to bed now, but I’ll check back here in the morning.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

Hrm… can you do it next time you see her? :] I dun think it has to be a make or break thing right at this second? : at least that’s just me… I dun think you’re at a point where if you don’t confront her now, you’d “lose her completely” :] If you do tell her tho, you should make it clear that you find her rly amazing and attractive and you rly enjoy talking w/ her and you just kinda want to know if this is just friends or possibly something more :] I understand wanting to get it over w/… I just think maybe she’s still just trying to get to know you better..

at least make it that you would like to know her more and be closer and don’t hedge too much where you end up giving her the impression that you actually just want to be friends and you’re worried SHE is getting the wrong idea or something : like if you start rly saying “no no rly we can just be friends” or something :

i dunno! I dunno her xD But that’s just my suggestions :] Be honest and confident. 🙂

M Dubz
M Dubz
9 years ago

I’d second Ami on doing it the next time you see her, instead of over the phone. I’ve found that, when you are light and humorous and do it in person, someone who thinks you are cute will continue to do so, and someone who does not think you are cute but likes you will still want to be your friend after that beat of “oops, differing expectations.” As I said, I am hopeless at boys, so much of my strategy is designed to minimize awkward :3. Just tell her you think she is cute and that you want to keep hanging out, and she will either take you up on the hanging out or ALSO tell you that she thinks you are cute! Win win!

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

oh! and if you have time, you should ttlly come out to trans pride tmrw! (yonge and bloorish, starts at 7, speeches, march at 8:30) 😀

darksidecat
9 years ago

See, the benefits of the overly loud, assertive, blunt people can be noted. 😉 But part of my problem is that people dramatically overestimate my social skills. I am chatty, I almost always smile, I talk to them in “dog soothing voice” (not telling them this is what you are doing is part of social skills as well, apparantly, even though it totally works), so they have a harder time figuring out things like the fact that it is very hard for me to read facial expressions (though I am getting better at the whole eyebrow code thing, so I have made progress, but I still cannot always get basic things). Every bit of my understanding of body language and facial expression is learned behavior, most of it learned as a teenager and as an adult, and I have to be very focused on the person to not miss almost all of it. I also suck at small talk (which, really, is largely ritualized lying), which confuses people when I tend to have a loudly expressed opinion on so many subjects. Sometimes, I think that if I were a shy aspie instead of a chatty one, people would be more likely to be able to understand the areas where my ability to read social subtleties is really limited and take that into account.

Fuck MRAs
Fuck MRAs
9 years ago

Yes, in person for sure. Unless you simply cannot muster it, then phone is OK. But not email/text.

If you are going to ask her, then I think it will pay off in the end to be 100% honest.

Say something like, “I noticed that your profile says you are interested in friends. I would love to be your friend, but I have to be honest and say that I am interested in something more. What do you think?”

I have found that if you try to mask your intentions even a little, it can lead to a series of misunderstandings that doesn’t end well for anyone. involved.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

*POINTS*

What FMRAs just said is perfect!

I forgot about the profile XD that’s a great way to finesse it! 😀

*throws FMRAs a party* <3

Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

Darksidecat:

Have you ever heard of the SETT-METT training for reading subtle or microsecond facial expressions? It’s a training CD ROM for therapists and others to help develop the ability to read easily missed facial cues. I don’t know if this would be helpful to aspies or not, but I thought I’d mention it.

Fuck MRAs
Fuck MRAs
9 years ago

I have no idea where the extra period came from. Maybe it hopped over from the Aunt Flo thread.

Fuck MRAs
Fuck MRAs
9 years ago

OMG I got Ami points.

xD

and a party.

(faints)

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

I admit this is one of the sillier cards but I couldn’t help myself (it’s Pride week after all, the Rainbow commands it xD )

http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx134/ami_angelwings/Magyc%20Cards/TheGayAgenda.jpg

darksidecat
9 years ago

@Captain Bathrobe, I have never tried that one. But something that was really useful for me was anime. Expressions are both simplified and exhaggerated. I have moved from being able to read no facial expressions to being able to get some in real contact and more in movies or shows. I think I get more watching shows because the lack of stress from socialization and the things like music cues and timed close ups help me get when things are supposed to be important. I once told my mother that she was missing a big reveal on her show that I had not been watching along with her. I knew that guy’s arrival was important to focus on even though I had no idea who he was because it played the dramatic reveal music. Then I knew I should focus on the expressions because it did the dramatic reveal closeups. Unfortunately, real life lacks those useful things. Still, context can help because some of the ones I get confused can have context hints or are close enough to warrant similar responses-angry/disgusted, sad/sleepy, scared/surprised-and voice cues help some. Another thing that was useful when I was very young (11 or 12) but that only gets you the basics is that I used dogs as my model. I understand dog and cat body and vocal cues extremely well, and dogs are social. So, I decided to treat my classmates as a sort of slightly odd pack of dogs. In some ways, that works well. Things like “value items” do have some nice parallels. The sort of things you can do with a dog and bits of chicken you can often do with an eleven year old and pieces of gum (my older sister still thinks it is hilarious that I was rather proud at the time when I taught one of my classmates to fetch objects). But other things don’t quite fit. For example, coaxing is a poor technique with dogs, but a good one with people. In some ways, I picked up on things that other people tend to miss (like how neurotypicals always react with disbelief when you inform them that people sync up their steps when walking side by side), but I also missed a lot of stuff.

Pecunium
9 years ago

Ami: A note on color commentary. When citing a book of scripture, the custom is chapter, and verse.

So on the “GAME” card you cited the Book of Roissy, 3: 6-8. which would be three verses (6, 7, 8). Since it’s only one sentence, the look is a little off, because that seems a bit short to be three verses.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

oh ok

i miscalculated, i meant 6-7 then xD (i know how the cites work but I messed up the math xD )

chocominties
chocominties
9 years ago

Holy crap, wouldn’t it be great if life did have musical cues? You’d always know an asshole was approaching because something like the Emperor’s March would play. Or you’d know your friend was in a bad mood even though they said they were “fine” and you’re on the phone, because sad music would play. I dream of the day this is reality.

Studying cues is useful (took a whole class on nonverbal cues) but some people just don’t emote much. I should know … I’m one of those people. So paying attention to actions is important too. Just popping in to add that.

Also, okc = pit of scum and villainy. I went on there just to meet people and wound up with guys hounding me, wanting to know “WHY ARE YOU ON A DATING SITE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DATE??” So don’t assume outright that anyone on there automatically wants a date or cock or whatever even if they have a nondatey noncocky status. Yeah, mention you like her if you think she’ll be receptive, but sometimes the cigar is just a cigar. And okc has those options for a reason. (I don’t know how many times I had to say that … in the end I realized i’d rather have no friends than stay on okc and be interrogated and negged and whatever.)

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

Oh and Pecunium, thanks 🙂

comrade svilova
comrade svilova
9 years ago

Just wanted to add that ‘new friends ‘ doesn’t necessarily mean she’s only interested in friendship. It definitely could be to scare away jerks and to indicate that she’s not looking for marriage tomorrow 🙂 I sympathize with wanting to know *right away* but I agree that having that conversation over the phone could be read wrong.

I just told this woman I’ve been seeing that I’m not looking for anything serious, and because it was over the phone I now feel nervous that maybe she thought I don’t want to see her again 🙁

It can be so confusing.

filetofswedishfish
9 years ago

Oh god OKC. I wish Annals had been up while I was still on it. I found FoSB there, so it wasn’t a total loss. But holy buhjeebus were there some creepazoids. 8 paragraph messages all about themselves, their philosophy and their child hood, negging, near-illiteracy. Basically the stuff you see on Annals. My neighbor at the time recognized me and began to be a creep. Uck.

hellkell
hellkell
9 years ago

Holy crap, wouldn’t it be great if life did have musical cues? You’d always know an asshole was approaching because something like the Emperor’s March would play.

The halls of my employer would be playing this non-stop.

I kind of wanted to walk down the aisle to the Imperial Death March, but my husband thought that might be too much for his family to take.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

I feel like I should create a series of tee shirts that people could wear on dates:

“This is a FIRST DATE ONLY.”

“I REALLY LIKE YOU AND I RESPECT YOU SO YOU PICK THE TIME FOR SEX”

“I WANT SEX”

“I AM NOT INTERESTED IN MORE THEN FRIENDSHIP”

Stuff like that to kind of make it obvious what you want without having to actually gasp say so. Because I do not know about the rest of you but I really am terrible at communicating my wants/needs or whatever so wearing a tee shirt would help tell the other person. Been trying really hard to be open with 13 though.

darksidecat
9 years ago

@Beth, maybe we should try to bring the old queer bandana system back into vogue. 😉

Spearhafoc
9 years ago

Hmmm, I’d be constrained by colour choices with the bandanna system. As much as social clarity would be a boon, I’m not sure if it’s worth wearing something that might clash with my suits.

Spearhafoc
9 years ago

And about the thing: I agree, in the clear light of day, that asking over the phone would be a bad idea. I’ll just play it by ear. Life’s too short for worrying about junk.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth

Okay, then we should have cards. But not the same kind of magyc cards that Ami is making but something that you can hand to the person that says what you really think.

CassandraSays
CassandraSays
8 years ago

“So here’s what I’m doing. I’ve just set up a spreadsheet to track all my active / still alive targets. ”

I…um…”still alive”? As opposed to what, the ones he already got rid of and buried in the garden?