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The Spearhead on Lady Lit, Part 2: Poetry Slam!

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, dude poet extraordinaire

The fellows at The Spearhead are still talking about lady literature — by which I mean, why ladies totally can’t write for shit. This time, they’re taking on the lady poets.

Contrasting a poem by former US poet laureate Kay Ryan with Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s Kubla Khan, The Spearhead’s W.F. Price proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that men are the best poets. And then Price takes it one step further, contrasting a video of Kay Ryan’s reading of another of her poems with Dylan Thomas’ passionate (if slightly overripe) reading of his “Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night.”

While I can’t take issue with Price’s methodology here – comparing a couple of random poems by a female poet most people have never heard of (but who apparently represents all female poets ever)  with legendary poems by two of the world’s most famous poets – I wonder about his choice of male poets here.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge? Dylan Thomas? Sure, they wrote some awesome dude poems, for their time. But they’re long dead, Daddy-O, and we men of today demand poetry that speaks to our lives. Who better speaks to men today than the tag-team of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J from the Insane Clown Posse? And which of their poems speaks to men today better than their most famous work, “Miracles?”

Here are some selections from this fine piece of work — and because, by Price’s rules, any poem by a person of a particular gender obviously represents all poetry from people of that gender, this wonderful little poem represents all male poetry. (Not to mention all poetry written by insane clowns.)

We don’t have to be high to look in the sky

And know that’s a miracle opened wide

Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas

And everything chilling underwater, please …

Pure magic is the birth of my kids

I’ve seen shit that’ll shock your eyelids

The sun and the moon, and even Mars

The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars

UFOs, a river flows

Plant a little seed and nature grows

Niagara falls and the pyramids

Everything you believed in as kids

Fucking rainbows after it rains

There’s enough miracles here to blow your brains

I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay

It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away

And then, in this poem’s most famous lines, Shaggy 2 Dope (or perhaps Violent J, I can’t remember which is which), takes on the miracle of magnetism:

I see miracles all around me

Stop and look around, it’s all astounding

Water, fire, air and dirt

Fucking magnets, how do they work?

And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist

Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

But as wonderfully as these lines read on the printed page, it is Insane Clown Posse’s performance of this poem (which they have set to music) that really brings home how motherfuckingly miraculous these two poets, and by extension all men who have ever written poetry, really are. So here is that performance:

As yet another great male poet, MC Hammer, once put it: “You can’t touch this!”

But, just to be fair, here’s some chick reading her dumb poem:

Picture of Samuel Taylor Coleridge by Jason Towers, from here.

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Spearhafoc
10 years ago

The Slave whinges and kvetches o’er much:
“The cabal will never let me be free”.
It’s not the Illuminati as such,
He’ll be a slave to his misogyny.

Amnesia
Amnesia
10 years ago

Haiku time!

Treat us like children,
Deny our humanity,
And we will rebel.

Spearhafoc
10 years ago

Slavey cracks me up
Quick, run away from the Jews!
Oy, what a schlemiel

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
10 years ago

Though Slave feminism would stop
And restore men to the cream of the crop,
If such days ever came,
Judging by his name
He’d likely be Bottom, not Top.

sadfase
sadfase
10 years ago

Haikus are like to
MRA’s, they rarely make
sense. Watermellon.

– Basho

Shaenon
10 years ago

Arise then…women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
“We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: “Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace…
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God –
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe

Seraph
Seraph
10 years ago

Okay, any minute now somebody’s going to put the wrong combination of rhymes together and Etrigan is going to show up.

NWOslave
NWOslave
10 years ago

To Capt Bathrobe and Kirbywarp. I believe you’re both men so this line applys to you…Today they’re ridiculed by the decendents they bore, their sacrifices are mocked, they are revered no more.

Your hatred of men is vile to say the least.

To spearhafoc. Why can I not ever point out a person who happens to be of the jewish faith has done something evil? Is it because of the PC victim card heirarchy.
Say anything bad about a Jew = anti-semetic
Say anything bad about LGBTQ = homophobic
Say anything bad about a woman = misogynist
Say anything bad about a muslim = Islamaphobia
I don’t own one of those so I guess I’m fair game.

To amnesia. What freedom are you not given?
You can kill a mans unborn child.
You can take a mans born children.
You can vote.
You can get Guv help in education, employment, reproduction, medical, ect. all far and above what men get.
What you could possibly rebel against? Getting too much freedom?

To Shaenon. That is the most narssisictic, misandric piece of filth I’ve seen in quite some time.

“Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,For caresses and applause.” Hillary sent us to Libya and all the rest of the women leaders of the world have also sent men to kill and die for them. Is this not a truely vile thing to say?

“Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.” In the ghettos with women at over 75% as the “head” of the houshold, crime and violence are the greatest in the world. What is women are teaching their sons?

“We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.” Your “tenderness” is seen quite clearly as you speak of all the fine qualities women possess and the filthy qualities of man.

“Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means Whereby the great human family can live in peace… Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, But of God –” Women taking council, because men are what? Violent, abusive to children? We have the stats women are violent and MORE abusive to children….Women of God? I’ve seen the women preachers with their short skirts and pluging necklines, wearing make up and jewelry? All I see is vanity, a lack of humility before God. I see self worship. Women preaching because she has decided she can do it as well as a man, not for any spiritual purpose or for God.

This is the vile filth you choose to quote. I’m not all that impressed.

Spearhafoc
10 years ago

Are there any Jewish people of whom you’re fond? Any celebrities of whom you’re a fan, any influential people you respect, any folks you know who you wouldn’t mind marrying your sister?

Just wondering.

Amy
Amy
10 years ago

Uhhh, I’ve never met women spiritual leaders that don’t feel like they have an important relationship to God/deity. But whatever, you must be right since you know all of them.

zombie poem!
http://gabrielgadfly.com/poetry/a-love-to-die-for

Alex
10 years ago

Mr. Slave,

“Say anything bad about a Jew = anti-semetic
Say anything bad about LGBTQ = homophobic
Say anything bad about a woman = misogynist
Say anything bad about a muslim = Islamaphobia”

I think this is your problem.
Legitimately criticizing a person who just so happens to be Jewish is not anti-Semitic.
Legitimately criticizing someone who happens to be LGBTQ is not homophobic.
Legitimately criticizing someone who happens to be female is not misogynist.
Legitimately criticizing someone who happens to be Muslim is not islamophobia.
Hell, I’ve done all of that, but the point is, my criticism is based on what they do as people, not on their religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, sex, gender identification, etc.. For example, I don’t care that the prime minister of Israel happens to be Jewish; what I do care about is the atrocious policies against the Palestinians. I don’t care that Anne Coulter is a woman; I do care that she’s a vile human being. I don’t care that a group of students at the University my grandmother works at happen to be Muslim; I do care that they want to appropriate the entire and sole prayer space for themselves alone.

You, however, are a raging misogynist. I don’t know if you are racist, homophobic, or have anything against other religions because I’ve not read every single one of your posts (my brain simply can’t handle that much idiocy), but considering you deny that you’re a misogynist, I think it’s fair for me to assume that you in fact are racist, homophobic, etc.

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
10 years ago

To Capt Bathrobe and Kirbywarp. I believe you’re both men so this line applys to you…Today they’re ridiculed by the decendents they bore, their sacrifices are mocked, they are revered no more.

Your hatred of men is vile to say the least.

So, because I ridicule you, specifically, I am therefore mocking every man who ever died on the battlefield–and, indeed, expressing hatred to all men who ever existed? That’s a bit of a stretch.

Aren’t you do exactly the same thing you are accusing spearhafoc of doing?

As an aside note, one thing most MRAs have in common: the air of stiff, pompous wounded dignity whenever anyone calls them on their bullshit.

As for Julia Ward Howe: you’re just pissed that she wrote “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
10 years ago

“doing” not “do,” dammit!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

I was walking down a street, just idly passing time
When, in a ditch along the side, I saw a woman climb.
Her knees were bruised, her hands had bled, her hair was full of thorns,
She tried to call for help before, but had only received scorns.
I offered her my hand, she clasped, and toiled we both then
Until she broke free of the ditch, and joined the world of men.
But still her troubles hounded her, she was in such a state,
Passersby would stare at her, about her looks berate.

The ditch was dug quite long ago, born of the ones outside.
And til the last one hundred years, no labor they provide
I was not thrown to the ditch by offering my hand,
No man lost when this woman could finally take a stand.
We’re all born naked to this world, to no belief betrothed,
Until by others, round our necks, ancestral chains we’re clothed.
Its up to us, the human race, to fill that loathsome trench,
Cast off our chains, stand side by side, the thirst of Justice quench.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

hey, cool. Male supremacist poetry.

are we feeling bad for mocking the guy who thinks he’s a slave yet?

To amnesia. What freedom are you not given?
You can kill a mans unborn child.

ummm, it is AT LEAST equally the woman’s child. In fact, since the woman will be responsible for sustaining, developing, feeding and eventually giving birth to the child (and just to be clear, until it is born, it is technically, legally and scientifically a fetus, not a child) I would maintain that logically it is far more HER unborn child than a man’s.

I suspect that is what bothers you more than anything; that bestowing the Magic Sperm on a lowly woman does not make you fully her owner.

If you and a woman conceive a child, and you feel you need to FORCE her to give birth against her will, it is not society that is responsible for the problems in that relationship. Perhaps a man could accept some responsibility for discussing and determining the potential and desire for reproduction BEFORE inserting Mr. Happy?

sigh. Crazy talk, I know.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

Zombies suck at rhyming comments
rotting fingers feel stiff and dense
rhythm and meter is hard when you shamble
something something something that rhymes with shambling.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

OK.

extolling death and destruction = HONOR

pursuit of peach and sooperation = VILE.

I am trying to keep these things straight here, is all.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

One of the most intelligent, thoughtful and experienced posters at Sadly No in the past was also a Vietnam vet. I’d like to call him my friend, also, although we’ve never met.

Based on the obviously painful accounts of his experiences in the war, I feel safe to say that he would simply agree with the poem Shaenon posted, and his firsthand experience would make him strongly opposed to the tripe NWOS posted.

It is no disrespect to the men who fought and died in wars to deplore those wars. Subtlety, I know and I suppose it is lost on all but the like-minded travelers here. Again, sigh.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

When I was a young man I carried my pack
And I lived the free life of a rover
From the Murrays green basin to the dusty outback
I waltzed my Matilda all over
Then in nineteen fifteen my country said Son
It’s time to stop rambling ’cause there’s work to be done
So they gave me a tin hat and they gave me a gun
And they sent me away to the war
And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we sailed away from the quay
And amidst all the tears and the shouts and the cheers
We sailed off to Gallipoli

How well I remember that terrible day
How the blood stained the sand and the water
And how in that hell that they called Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter
Johnny Turk he was ready, he primed himself well
He chased us with bullets, he rained us with shells
And in five minutes flat he’d blown us all to hell
Nearly blew us right back to Australia
But the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we stopped to bury our slain
We buried ours and the Turks buried theirs
Then we started all over again

Now those that were left, well we tried to survive
In a mad world of blood, death and fire
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
But around me the corpses piled higher
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over tit
And when I woke up in my hospital bed
And saw what it had done, I wished I was dead
Never knew there were worse things than dying
For no more I’ll go waltzing Matilda
All around the green bush far and near
For to hump tent and pegs, a man needs two legs
No more waltzing Matilda for me

So they collected the cripples, the wounded, the maimed
And they shipped us back home to Australia
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla
And as our ship pulled into Circular Quay
I looked at the place where my legs used to be
And thank Christ there was nobody waiting for me
To grieve and to mourn and to pity
And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As they carried us down the gangway
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared
Then turned all their faces away

And now every April I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me
And I watch my old comrades, how proudly they march
Reliving old dreams of past glory
And the old men march slowly, all bent, stiff and sore
The forgotten heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask, “What are they marching for?”
And I ask myself the same question
And the band plays Waltzing Matilda
And the old men answer to the call
But year after year their numbers get fewer
Some day no one will march there at all

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

@Zombie:

First: 😀

Second: I’m to this day a bit squeemish with fighting over who more owns the bit of tissue in a woman’s uterus. I don’t think calling it an “unborn child” makes any sense, anymore than saying poor people have plenty of unearned money or have all that un-procured food. It ain’t a person yet, so women have the responsibilty of making their own decision about whether or not to give up a substantial amount of time and energy to go to birth.

The problem I have is once the child is born. Now that the parents have a baby, does the woman automatically “own” more of it than the man, since she went through 9 months and labor? I don’t want this to be the case, partly because I don’t think parents own their children in the first place, and partly because both parents should be equally responsible for raising the child. Urk.. It seems much more complicated than it should be…

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

@Zombie:

Please say you didn’t write that. Cause if you did, I’m gonna have to love you forever. That was beautiful.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

naw, that was eric Bogle. Most excellent version done by the Pogues.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

. It seems much more complicated than it should be…

yeah. that’s the truth.

Which is what I was trying to get at with the whole “discussion of contraception and parenting” thing I mentioned.

If people are having sex, they damn well better be talking about that.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

DF posts the video to my comment.

If I ever figure out how to post videos in line, you all are going to be sorry.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

David, you fool! You have no idea what tides of evil you’ve now unleashed! All of manboobz is doomed..

Alex
10 years ago

@Zombie,

That brought tears to my eyes, and I was imagining music with it.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
10 years ago

I have to say, Shaenon and CB, that was a most spectacular bitch slapping of Monsieur NWOaf ever.

If I had any affinity for poetry I would cleverly declaim something in admiration but alas, all wit I may have shows itself in prose.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

It is no disrespect to the men who fought and died in wars to deplore those wars.

Furthermore, it IS disrespectful of men, and humanity in general, to insist that men’s most noble pursuit is war and destruction.

DeeDee
DeeDee
10 years ago

‘Miracles’/is abominable/still scans better than/W. McGonagall/Burma Shave.

Nobby
Nobby
10 years ago

Not original to him, unfortunately. It’s a song. Here’s a good version:

Your poem, though: original? Because that was quite amazing, as well.

Nobby
Nobby
10 years ago

WAoh, fail! Didn’t see the new page 🙁 David, hide my shame?

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

No, Nobby, we are all about owning our shame here.

Also, kirby, you can like me a little bit for posting it, even if I didn’t write it. After all, I had to GO LOOK FOR they lyrics, and LO I AM WEARY from my labors….

Nobby
Nobby
10 years ago

@Zombie Yeah, I know. But sadness. Ah, well. At least it’s a different version from David’s. Can never have too much of that song.

And you sell yourself short. You did know of the song, and that it was such a good one to look for.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

Dammit, I love that song. And Shane’s version always brings tears to my eyes, too.

“What are they marching for?” indeed…..

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

zombie: all you have to do is post the link, and WP posts it as an inline video.

HAH! I HAVE UNLOCKED THE SECRETS TO THE UNIVERSE, AND WILL OPEN THE PORTALS TO THE OLD ONES!!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

@zombi:

Okay okay.. I can like you a LITTLE bit for nearly bringing tears to my eyes with a heart-wrenchingly beutiful poem. So… hear goes:

Roses are red, Violets are blue.
Zombies are green, and they will eat you.

thefemalespectator
thefemalespectator
10 years ago

The Disappointment, Redux; or, Sir Vidia in Hell
Naked I lay, clasp’d in his longing arms
In flames was I and he all over charms.
Beside us lay a book of poetry
My hand wandered to see what it could try:
Fingering leaves, it found a poem by Behn
But he insisted we read only those by men.
Wait, says I, there’s no need to be coy,
We can read a while before we toy.
For the mind’s an erogenous zone,
A kind of magic—there can’t be only one.
It might give us ideas
Let’s see where it will lead us.
But he, miffed, asked me how I dared,
To bring this girl stuff into bed
For MRAs had drilled into his head
That every manly poem and sperm is sacred,
That every man was master of a house
And every woman should be a quiet mouse.
(And if any MRA wants to point out that Behn’s “The Disappointment” is a pale imitation of Rochester’s “Imperfect Enjoyment” I suggest they read Ovid. Because male poets imitate each other, too. No one creates something out of nothing—even productions of poetic genius build on what has come before. Boo yah!)

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

Hmm. I suppose I can try a little harder… This one’s for you, zombie! <3

Hello sir, good evening, how do you do?
Nice weather we’re having, the sky’s mostly blue!
Sir, I have a quandary, p’raps you’ll give me advice?
I’m feeling quite peckish, and you’re looking quite nice!
A small bit of brain, or an ear or a toe
Is a reasonable request, if I may say so.

No need to be rude, sir, and please do not stare.
I’m not asking much, sir, and to be quite fair,
Its not like I’m wanting a leg and an arm,
though if you could spare it, it’ll do me no harm.
Well, really, such language a sailor won’t utter.
Do you talk that way ’round your father and mother?

Sir, all that I’m asking is help from a friend.
A finger you won’t miss, you’ve got at least ten.
Why do you run, sir, I’m getting fed up.
You’re moving so quickly, its hard to keep up!
If you won’t oblige, I’ll just take a small bite.
Sir, thanks for your kindness. Goodbye and good night!

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
10 years ago

I have to say, Shaenon and CB, that was a most spectacular bitch slapping of Monsieur NWOaf ever.

If I had any affinity for poetry I would cleverly declaim something in admiration but alas, all wit I may have shows itself in prose.

I’d thank you, Elizabeth, but I imagine you are referring to Kirbywarp’s fine poem, not my tawdry little limerick. 🙂

Shaenon
10 years ago

Today they’re ridiculed by the decendents they bore, their sacrifices are mocked, they are revered no more.

I have to agree, the men in the past really were impressive if they bore children. How come you guys don’t do that no more?

Pecunium
10 years ago

NWO: I can tell you were never in the Army.

But… I have to give you some credit, a more brilliant exemplar of the poetaster I have rarely seen.

Your grasp of meter, scansion, metaphor; your use of rhyme and language are unparalleled.

Pecunium
10 years ago

And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda was written by Eric Bogle.

Here’s a song by Great Big Sea about, “The Blue Puttees” of Newfoundland, which wasn’t a part of Canada a the time. For those who’d like to know a bit more about being “in the line” I commend, “Generals Die In Bed” for the Canadian experience of The Great War.

Pecunium
10 years ago

Crap… the embed code failed.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knxR-Q2VoBE?rel=0&w=480&h=390%5D

If this one didn’t work: The Recruiting Sergeant

Pecunium
10 years ago

test

Pecunium
10 years ago

Sheeit. (hangs head in shame).

Anyone want to know what being the combat zone is like?

(See if this works)

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

But… that last one worked!