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The Spearhead on Lady Lit, Part 2: Poetry Slam!

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, dude poet extraordinaire

The fellows at The Spearhead are still talking about lady literature — by which I mean, why ladies totally can’t write for shit. This time, they’re taking on the lady poets.

Contrasting a poem by former US poet laureate Kay Ryan with Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s Kubla Khan, The Spearhead’s W.F. Price proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that men are the best poets. And then Price takes it one step further, contrasting a video of Kay Ryan’s reading of another of her poems with Dylan Thomas’ passionate (if slightly overripe) reading of his “Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night.”

While I can’t take issue with Price’s methodology here – comparing a couple of random poems by a female poet most people have never heard of (but who apparently represents all female poets ever)  with legendary poems by two of the world’s most famous poets – I wonder about his choice of male poets here.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge? Dylan Thomas? Sure, they wrote some awesome dude poems, for their time. But they’re long dead, Daddy-O, and we men of today demand poetry that speaks to our lives. Who better speaks to men today than the tag-team of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J from the Insane Clown Posse? And which of their poems speaks to men today better than their most famous work, “Miracles?”

Here are some selections from this fine piece of work — and because, by Price’s rules, any poem by a person of a particular gender obviously represents all poetry from people of that gender, this wonderful little poem represents all male poetry. (Not to mention all poetry written by insane clowns.)

We don’t have to be high to look in the sky

And know that’s a miracle opened wide

Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas

And everything chilling underwater, please …

Pure magic is the birth of my kids

I’ve seen shit that’ll shock your eyelids

The sun and the moon, and even Mars

The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars

UFOs, a river flows

Plant a little seed and nature grows

Niagara falls and the pyramids

Everything you believed in as kids

Fucking rainbows after it rains

There’s enough miracles here to blow your brains

I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay

It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away

And then, in this poem’s most famous lines, Shaggy 2 Dope (or perhaps Violent J, I can’t remember which is which), takes on the miracle of magnetism:

I see miracles all around me

Stop and look around, it’s all astounding

Water, fire, air and dirt

Fucking magnets, how do they work?

And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist

Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

But as wonderfully as these lines read on the printed page, it is Insane Clown Posse’s performance of this poem (which they have set to music) that really brings home how motherfuckingly miraculous these two poets, and by extension all men who have ever written poetry, really are. So here is that performance:

As yet another great male poet, MC Hammer, once put it: “You can’t touch this!”

But, just to be fair, here’s some chick reading her dumb poem:

Picture of Samuel Taylor Coleridge by Jason Towers, from here.

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zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

Hey, did any of those classic poets create an Internet Tradition?

Fucking Spearhead, how does it work?

Also, it is impossible to mock ICP and “Miracles” too much.

Joe
Joe
10 years ago

How’d the moon get there? You can’t explain that.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

Magnets = miracles to insane creationist clowns, that cannot be stressed too much.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

Tide goes in, tide goes out, Joe.

zombie rotten mcdonald
10 years ago

I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay

It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away

yeah, ladies, try to compete with that! YOU CAN’T!

redlocker
redlocker
10 years ago

Anyone else getting Homestuck flashbacks? 🙂

Nobby
Nobby
10 years ago

Ah, cherry picking. It’s so fun! And since we’re allowed, here’s Kay Ryan herself (instead of the ‘insufferably sactimonius’ Keillor) on “the Edges Of Time”: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/19821

And from Poet Lauriet Donald Hall, a messed up Haiku: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/distressed-haiku/

Also, Garrison Keillor is awesome, and I like that he’s not even pretending to be fair at that point. “Oh, here’s some guy I can’t stand reading this poem, and my favorite poem of all time over here. I wonder why I thing one is better!”

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
10 years ago

Sappho.

I rest my case.

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

Mrow

mrow mrow

mrow mrow mrow

Mrow!

😀

Feminists believe

in equality,

MRAs cry bullshit

and they disagree,

they troll and cry

and whine at me,

I roll my eyes

and go XD

katz
10 years ago

So THAT’S where the magnets meme came from!

Spearhafoc
10 years ago

Iambic pentameter is hard, yo.
The end results are very hit or miss.
But rhyming the words is even more so.
How the flying fuck did Shakespeare do this?

2020
2020
10 years ago

Fucking women how do they work?

And I don’t wanna talk to a feminist

Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

Sorry, sorry I just couldn’t resist (:

Molly Ren
10 years ago

*Gives Spearhafoc a guinea pig.*

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

MRAs are a humourless lot,

They imagine nothing

except sex bots,

I try to get their brains in gear,

but nothing comes

except cold fear,

I wonder often what they want,

if sex or love

or Pecunium’s Kant,

Then I realize what they need,

is a big ol hug

and a little nappy

Bee
Bee
10 years ago

On top of everything else, I think the Spearhead dwellers actually think the chicken poem is about chickens.

W.F. Price is so willfully dumb that it actually angers me.

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

Alternate ending is “just not from me” but I couldn’t make it specify that I WOULD hug them, they just would hate it cuz it’s from me xD

chocominties
chocominties
10 years ago

There once was a boy named Lieutenant
Who thought he could win the Troll Pennant,
But he had a weird eye
And then he said goodbye.
Good luck to our next trolly tenant!

(You try to fucking rhyme “lieutenant,” okay? My vag has nothing to do with it.)

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

I thought that was pretty good 😀

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
10 years ago

Chocominties wins the internet!

katz
10 years ago
2-D Man
2-D Man
10 years ago

My vag has nothing to do with it.

No vag powers were used to write that?
Then to you I must tip my hat.
I always thought
Talent was brought
By being born with … a… ladybits….

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

Oh NWOslave, you needling knave,

your theories and queries and rants to us gave.

Telling the women how they spend their lives

coniving and thriving on gifts from us guys.

Have sex? You whores! Abstain? Abusers.

Being given a gift makes all women the losers.

Yet hark, what’s this? They give men gifts too?

That goes against logic, and so I’ll ignore you!

My theories are perfect, my reasoning tight,

If you can’t convince me I’m wrong, then I’m right!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

Out of curiosity, how are people doing the single line line breaks? does the br tag work here?
If this works, that answers my question.

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

That was very Seusslike Kirby… I give you hugs :3

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

Today I think we all should speak in rhyme,
with practice we’ll all have an easy time.
I really want to see how well it goes
When trolls return and we respond in prose.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

Crap.. prose isn’t what I thought it was… Well, you get what I was trying to say, right? right?

Mandolin
Mandolin
10 years ago

so much depends
upon

a lonely boy
inside

a rising elevator
damp

from girl’s disdainful
spit

Mandolin
Mandolin
10 years ago

This is just to say

we have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

we wanted
so we took
‘cuz that’s how girls
roll

Spearhafoc
10 years ago

I bet a female poet couldn’t have written the masterpiece that is “The Man From Nantucket”.

Mandolin
Mandolin
10 years ago

I could not stop for Beta,
So he kindly stopped for me;
That’s what a girl expects from men–
Consummate chivalry.
He gave a rose, he bought my lunch,
And showered me with cash.
My days became sweet leisure, too,
Bon-bons and watching MASH.

We passed date one, that night he strove
to rein in his desire;
We passed date two, though yearning built
to remove my underwire.

I was a ware he’d purchased,
yet his sampling was delayed.
He ached to strip my flimsy gown,
to at last get fucking laid.

Third date, we paused before his door,
his swelling clearly ripe;
He’d done with waiting gently for
my lips to smoke his pipe.

Upon the ground, we wrangled
til he overcame my moue.
But victory belonged to me:
his child support is due.

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

MRAs MRAs MRAs troll
MRAs cry and MRAs lie
Whining and yelling up a forum of hate
Now the gender war initiates

MRAs MRAs MRAs troll
MRAs fear and MRAS jeer
Screaming and hiding from feminist plots
Wishing for the bots.

On man boobz, or youtubes
They troll the thread aground

MRAs know that we know
that feminism knows no bounds.

Sleep with him, quick divorce, let the check bounce
This is the female role

Throw in an insult before the flounce
That’s how MRAs
That’s how MRAs
That’s how MRAs trolllllllll

trackback

[…] at Manboobz, David summarizes a Spearhead discussion which concludes that women simply can’t write poetry as well as […]

Ami Angelwings
10 years ago

That’s to be sung to Jingle Bell Rock in case nebody hasn’t figured it out xD

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

(I will never be outdone… NEVA! >:D)

They see me roll in, they spittin
On me, cause they know that I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
I try to say hi, get ignored
Cause I’m no Brad Pitt, I’m just short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Can’t you see I’m short and beta?

Look at me, I’m an average fella,
I don’t have Fassbender’s patella
But I got to bring my umbrella
Cause these bitches be spittin, I tell ya.

I got a horribly deformed eye,
Looks about 3 inches wide,
And despite the best I try
All the ladies just stare as they pass me by.

Its just not possible for me to compete
With an 8 foot mountain of alpha meat.
I’m too short by a couple of feet,
There’s so many alpha women I want to beat.

Like that bitch on the elevator
That one time we met, I still hate her!
Said hello and she didn’t cater
To my requirements of female behavior.

Don’t get me started on the topic of fat chicks.
They’re Omegas, but they seem to get their kicks
From feeling entitled chasing alpha dicks.
Should date me, though they make me feel sick.

I’ve got voices goin in my brain,
“punch that bitch so she feels my pain.”
But I always manage to restrain
My violent urges.. I’m not insane!

I go to forums. I post some.
But I get mobbed because I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
They can see I’m short and beta
They tell me women have problems.
But they don’t know the pain of short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Look at me, I’m short and beta
Don’t wanna be short and beta.

(sorry if this is a bit long)

darksidecat
darksidecat
10 years ago

“Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues, shoot me now, please.”

JK, but I have never had the easiest time with non-narrative poetry, especially when not hearing it out loud.

Bee
Bee
10 years ago

I’m omega! Who are you?
Are you omega, too?
Then there ‘s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They ‘d spit on us us, you know.

How dreary to be a social alpha freak!
How public, and how tall!
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring group of slug-women at the mall!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

*sigh* tough crowd…. 😛

Johnny Pez
10 years ago

Troll troll troll the blog
On the internet
If you smack the bitches down
Abuse is what you get

Shaenon
10 years ago

Mandolin, I cannot stop laughing. Thank you.

I went over to the Spearhead so I could read the dreaded chicken poem, and to find out why the Spearhead decided to suddenly dogpile on a not-very-well-known former Poet Laureate. Turns out that Ryan is not just a WOMAN (boo! hiss!) but a LESBIAN (ewww!), which is freaking the commentators out.

They’re also bitching a lot about how Poet Laureates are always women or black people or black women because of unfair white-male-hating P.C. discrimination OH GOD THE WHITE MAN IS SO OPPRESSED IN THIS COUNTRY. I can understand their outrage, given that the current Poet Laureate is this soul sister:

http://www.poets.org/poet.php/prmPID/123

Bee
Bee
10 years ago

Continuing Mandolin’s idea (this is fun!)…

Chicks, be not proud, though some have called thee
Perfect and princesses, for thou art not so:
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Go Galt, dumb bitches; nor yet canst thou spit on me.
From hand and fleshlight, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure — then from thee much more must flow;
‘Cept for thy bitchiness, with you I wouldst go –
Rest of my bones, and soul’s delivery!
Thou’rt slave to alphas, gold, attention, and thine own uterus,
And dost with man-hate, fame, and evil dwell;
And sexbots or porn can make us come as well,
And better, than thy stroke; — why swell’st thou then?
One short pump-and-dump past, MGTOWs run eternally,
And women’s privilege shall be no more: Chicks, thou shalt die.

Johnny Pez
10 years ago

Hark! Hark! The snark at Manboobz’ blog stings,
And Slavey ‘gins arise,
His rants of secret plots he brings
To counter womens’ lies;
And winking MRAs begin
To ope their beady eyes;
With everything misogynist,
My dudely bros, arise:
Arise, arise!

Bee
Bee
10 years ago

And who could forget the MRM version of the Robert Frost classic, “The Road Not Taken”:

All you western women are used-up skanks.

OHSHIII
OHSHIII
10 years ago

I gave myself a 2-minute deadline and I’m still better than clowns!

The Political Machinist
Spent all his years thinking machines
spent all his money
on
thinking machines
until bang came one day
balcony-bound
and temple to barrel
we all heard him shout

“eureka!
perfection!
a legacy of knowledge
won, but hard-fought!
I’ve done it mankind
merged metal with mind
perfection re-tuned
returned
relearned!
my daughter
your mother
our tyrant
no other
Heed her will and be taught!”

Police later determined that stone cold bitches were to blame.

NWOslave
NWOslave
10 years ago

It often makes me wonder
When men in the past, fought in fierce battles, sometimes to the last.
It wasn’t for glory or honor or fame, when the grim reaper came calling, their wives and children with their last breath they’d name.
Today they’re ridiculed by the decendents they bore, their sacrifices are mocked, they are revered no more.

It often makes me wonder
About millenium untold, how a fathers love was precious, by the children he’d hold.
He’d toil everyday coming home drenched in sweat, a fathers love is boundless, never knowing regret.
Now he’s a villan a fable from the past, unloved and unwanted, to the curb he is cast.

It often makes me wonder
About a man and his wife, endless seasons pass by, still he calls her his love and his life.
She’s there in his dreams and swims in his thoughts by day, his love for his wife can never be swayed.
Yesteryear is gone it will return no more, much like todays huband, forbidden from her door.

The world has moved on and has been torn asunder.
Why did this have to happen, it often makes me wonder.

NWOslave

Amnesia
Amnesia
10 years ago

What good is it to be loved by one with the world to give,
If one is never given the freedom to live?

Meggums
Meggums
10 years ago

Kirbywrap, I liked your riding dirty poem.

katz
10 years ago

He…signed his poem.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
10 years ago

There once was a time in the past
Where women were all second class.
Though men said they’d cherish
Their wives til they perish,
In truth they were being an ass.

Though men have fought wars and have tried
To remember loved ones when they died,
It seems they were itchin
To keep wives in the kitchen.
In short, through ommission, you’ve lied.

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