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AskMen.com's Creepy Dude Survey

Dude, do you have a moment to take a quick survey?

So AskMen.com just put up the first segment of its annual 3-part Great Male Survey.  Filled with strange assumptions and sometimes creepy questions, it’s a survey that reveals at least as much about the survey makers as it does the survey takers, and what it reveals ain’t good:  it seems to have been written by a jaded ex-romantic ( or a committee of such) only a few short steps away from full-blown MGTOW-hood.

The survey starts off with a fairly innocuous question about basic compatibility, but quickly veers off course with question #2:

How important is it to you that your wife/future wife signs a prenup?

Hold on a second, daddy-o! We haven’t even determined if the little missy has “wife potential” yet —  as question #3 puts it.

After one more question about marriage, the quiz moves on to cheating and then (perhaps inevitably) to the issue of divorce:

Do men get screwed by the courts in divorce?

Then it’s onward to kvetching about what a naggy shrew your partner is (assuming you haven’t already finalized the divorce):

Followed by the classic “Would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat?” (Just in case you’re wondering, ladies, nearly half the American guys in last year’s survey said “yes.”)

Next we get to what we might call the “creepy controlling asshole” portion of the survey. After asking whether we’ve ever snooped through our partner’s email or Facebook messages, they pose this doozy:

That quiet clattering you hear is the sound of a thousand creepy dudes Googling to see if this is possible – and, if so, the best place to put the chip.

After several more questions about Facebook and the internet, a few badly conceptualized questions about romance, and a bunch about sex, the quiz moves on to some good old-fashioned slut shaming, asking men to quantify the number of sex partners a woman is allowed to have before they consider her “promiscuous.”  Ladies: you’ll be glad to know that 41% of American dudes who took the survey last year consider any women with more than 9 lifetime partners to be dirty sluts – sorry, “promiscuous.”

Then of course it’s on to an attempt to quantify exactly when women start getting all old and ugly:

Yes, one of the possible answers is “18.” You may be slightly reassured by the fact that zero percent of last year’s survey takers gave that answer. Six percent said “20,” though, and 24% said “30.”

Then we have this curiously worded question on workplace sex:

So the idea that your partner might be a big higher up on the old org chart isn’t even a possibility? What is this, 1962? Did they borrow this question from Helen Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl? Or find it scribbled on a napkin on Don Draper’s desk just before he impulsively proposed to his new secretary?

I think we need to design our own survey.

(Note: Cartoon above borrowed, of course, from Comically Vintage.)

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Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

This one is for the women:

What is the breed & name of the hamster in your head?

Mine’s a Chinese dwarf hamster named Wanmei Gong Zhu (which, according to Google Translate, is Chinese for ‘perfect princess’)

sarahejones
9 years ago

I have the feeling that if I posed these survey questions to Boyfriend, I would receive only a blank stare followed by “The fuck? I don’t care what you do.” Despite being raised Mormon, Boyfriend has managed to avoid the creepier aspects of his origins.

kristinmh
kristinmh
9 years ago

My contributions to the Manboobz quiz!

1. Do you consider yourself:

a) an Alpha
b) a Beta
c) an Omega
Or
d) a human being with the usual mix of good points and flaws?

2. How often do alpha bitches totally spit on you?
a) Every fuccking day! At least twice!
b) Only in elevators.
c) I’ve never had a dog spit on me, but I got drooled on by a Basset Hound once
d) Huh?

3. You attempt to engage an attractive stranger in conversation. When zie doesnt respond the way you want, what do you do?

a) Assault hir, causing grievous bodily harm
b) Fantasize about causing hir grievous bodily harm
c) Feel peeved but shrug it off
d) Feel embarrassed and awkward and really happy when zie gets off on a different floor.

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Q: What is your favorite British puppet show?

A. Stingray
B. Thunderbirds
C. Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons
D. Joe 90
E. Spitting Image

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Hum. Yeah, a lot of the questions were hopelessly leading/weighted towards one side. For instance:

Would you change your penis size if you could?

Yes, I would make it bigger to feel better about myself.

Yes, I would make it bigger to satisfy a partner.

Yes, I would make it smaller.

No.

You tell where they think pretty much everybody will answer (even women!) That’s the other thing, why can you choose your gender and orientation when the survey can’t be answered by non male heterosexuals? (and have it mean anything, anyway)

“Do you believe in the institution of marriage? ”

What exactly do they mean by this? Like… do you believe in getting married for the sake of getting married? Or is this some roundabout “one man one woman” marriage thing?

Also, “infidelity services?” Wha? *goes to site* *jaw hits floor*

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

When you buy a book, what do you do?

a) read the blurb and maybe thumb through the first couple of pages to get a feel for the writing style.

b) you usually buy books that have been recommended to you

c) check to see if it’s written by a bloke – if the name is ambiguous you google the author because you NEVER read books by women. They can’t write.

d) Spit on it.

chocominties
chocominties
9 years ago

Did you eat bacon today?

A. Yes
B. No

(For the record, yes I did.)

The best part about being a-romantic is never dealing with the kind of douche who thinks women disintegrate at age 25. The worst is that said guy will still hound you, then assume you’re a nasty slut who’s screwing Brad Pitt when you turn him down.

A woman just turned you down. Do you. ….

A. Call her a whore?
B. Call her a slut?
C. Call her ugly?
D. Call her a bitch?
E. Call her fat?
F. Call her a combination of the above?
G. Continue to bother her?
H. Be an adult and go hit on someone else?

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

Oooh – choco, good one! I’m nicking that and posing it slightly differently:

(Qn for het men) When a woman turns you down, what do you think?

a) This is just another example demonstrating that all women are shallow bitches

b) Maybe if I ‘neg’ her she’ll change her mind

c) She’s probably a fyminyst and would spend all my money and get fat if she could – lucky I escaped.

d) Wipe the spit out of your eye sadly

e) Shrug it off as it’s not a big deal

Roving Thundercloud
Roving Thundercloud
9 years ago

I’m kind of encouraged that only of respondents last year felt that women start losing their looks at age 20 or 30. I can hardly tell the younguns apart before they reach age 30!

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Which defunct indy rock band would you like to see reunite?

A. The Replacements

B. Belly

C. L7

D. Porno for Pyros

E. Love Spit Love

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

The world is run by:

A) The Rothschilds.

B) The Illuminati

C) A shadowy cabal of international bankers who just happen to be Jewish (but if you accuse me of anti-semitism, then it is you who are the racist).

D) Feminists

E) Women who spit on me

F) Tall people

G) Bacon

H) All of the above

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
9 years ago

I would be pretty impressed if a guy did slay a mammoth by himself since there is no more live ones.

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

So, Bacon not only secretly wrote Shakespeare’s plays, he also secretly runs the world.

Man, I’m learning a lot on this blog.

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
9 years ago

Bacon is not anything like those others you listed CB.

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

I needed a sane alternative, Beth.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

Beth – I think the MRA’d just find some bones and say “LOOK! I slew that for you!”

Woman: “Uh, when? Cos, according to CSI it takes aaaages for a dead thing to become just bones…”

MRA: “BITCH!!!111!”

zombie rotten mcdonald

[i]Beth – I think the MRA’d just find some bones and say “LOOK! I slew that for you!”

Woman: “Uh, when? Cos, according to CSI it takes aaaages for a dead thing to become just bones…”

MRA: “BITCH!!!111!”[/i]……STOP SPITTING ON ME!!

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

(Question for heterosexual cis-men only)
You and your female partner are going to have sex, but neither of you want kids. Do you:

A. Just have unprotected sex. What d’ya mean, “That’s where babies come from”?
B. Assume she’s got birth control covered.
C. Make sure at least one of you has some form of protection.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago

Thanks Zombie. I can’t believe I forgot about the spitting. Clearly I am an evil fymynyst who wilfully forgets all about the wrongs women do to men.

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

Edit above: Probably should specify that it’s PiV sex.

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

And because I also forgot a spitting option:

D. She spits on you. That’ll teach your sperm not to impregnate her!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

I think I’m gonna get an umbrella… 🙂

In fact…

You take an umbrella with you outside. This is because of

a) the spitting

b) the SPITTING

c) Oh god, the unholy ammounts of spitting

d) chance of rain

e) THE SPITTING

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

Hay, I have a kwestchun (question for the non-Amiphones xD ) Since we’re asking questions! 😀

But this is mostly to the straight guys on this place xD (tho nebody can answer with their speculations or experiences! why not? 😀 We’re doing the Cosmo question quiz things neways! :3 )

If you were rly tired from working until midnight the night before and then just finished a 2nd job today and wanted to go home and sleep, Would you go w/ a girl clothes shopping (for her) for a couple hours if you didn’t like her? 😮

(that’s like like and girl isn’t a good friend and u haven’t known her long) xD

Also, going clothes shopping with a girl makes you

a) a mangina

b) a boyvary

c) a ladbia

d) an estrogent

e) a dudeterus

f) a chapple

g) a fellareola

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

and b/c I forgot to add a spitting joke… what do you call what women have that prevents them from being shunned and humiliated by men they say hi to?

A spit hood!

BA DA BUM!

*awaits the tomatos* xD

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Amiphone? … Can you make calls now?

“If you were rly tired from working until midnight the night before and then just finished a 2nd job today and wanted to go home and sleep, Would you go w/ a girl clothes shopping (for her) for a couple hours if you didn’t like her?”

Is this a serious question? I wouldn’t… You know, because of the exhaustion and tiredness and I kinda don’t like shopping…

Also, obviously going clothes shopping with a girl makes you a fellowpian. I thought everyone knew that. 😛

PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
9 years ago

Do not forget digging one out of a bunch of frozen mud/dirt.

“you killed a BABY mammoth?! *spit spit spit*”

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

@Kirbywarp a fellowpian boob! xD

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

“Feminist” men are:

A) Manginas

B) Just looking for a pat on the head from feminist wymyn, who will never give it to them anyway.

C) Small, yapping dogs who are kept in a purse by a hairy-legged feminist wymyn, who occasionally lets them out to spit on MRAs and who feeds them the sweet, sweet bacon that makes it all worthwhile.

D) Runts.

E) A disgrace to The Penis.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

That was an actual question btw… not a snark or joke or nething :]

zombie rotten mcdonald

consider any women with more than 9 lifetime partners to be dirty sluts – sorry, “promiscuous.”

I had problems with this question. Do all my role-play costumes count separately?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

@zombie:

I found it interesting that the question’s smallest number is 10 partners. So, basically, the survey can claim that 100% of men and women answering think less than 10 (ie 9) is perfectly fine!

phillypheminist
9 years ago

Delurking to say thank you, Manboobz community. I had one of those (mansplaining) days. Its good to know the whole world doesn’t consist of 100% AskMen survey creators/takers.

zombie rotten mcdonald

Captain, you need two more:

F) All of the above.

G) Just trying to avoid being spit upon.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

H) Fygmynts of the imangination

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

I) Secret operatives of the Men’s Rights Alliance making wymyn complacent in their superiority as the the Manly Men ™ of the world prepare for the final showdown!

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

J) Secret double operatives of the Feminist Empire pretending to be I

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

K) Secret TRIPLE operatives of the Men’s Rebellion pretending to be J pretending to be I

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

L) Who have since joined the Feminist Empire for the smex :3

zombie rotten mcdonald

Ami and Kirby bring the mockery.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

M) With other men (cause feminism allows that) because the are the ManReb’s deadliest forces, men who are immune to women’s deadly charms; TEH GAYS! 😛

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

N) and then being immune to feminine charms, become double agents for the MRM…. again xD

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

O) Until the MRR (Manly Righteous Rebellion) figured out that they liked dudes… Cause dude, that’s weak… So they were banished to the outskirts of the Fortress of Manitude, whereupon they defected once again!

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

P) to the Sexbot rebellion!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

Q) Who figured out that having sex with other machines designed to have awesome sex made much more sense than having sex with some hairy fymynist, or some flabby beta, and infiltrated both sides to help fuel the war. Robot Apocalypse is nigh!

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

All right, then! I’ll leave this thread in your capable hands. 🙂

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

R) and allied themselves with the vampire trans women who repaired them in exchange for them harvesting the sexual organs of cis feminists :O

katz
9 years ago

1. Do you consider yourself:

a) an Alpha
b) a Beta
c) an Omega
Or
d) a human being with the usual mix of good points and flaws?

Damn, that was going to be my question, but the answers were going to be:

a) alpha
b) alphasshole
c) alpha alpha
d) facial alpha
e) getting a facial from an alpha
f) beta
g) omega fat fat fatty
h) omega, but would be an alpha if it weren’t for my hideous deformity
i) omega spittoon

a) a mangina

b) a boyvary

c) a ladbia

d) an estrogent

e) a dudeterus

f) a chapple

g) a fellareola

You thought of six synonyms for “mangina?” And they’re all better than the original. You win so many internets.

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

I just realized it should be Brovary xDD

katz
9 years ago

How about, um, a fellowpian tube? Mannary? Sirvix?

Ami Angelwings
9 years ago

XD

I LOVE Sirvix! 😀 Kirbywarp alrdy came up w/ Fellowpian (great minds think alike :3 ) and I added Fellowpian Boob (for a double pun xD )