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AskMen.com's Creepy Dude Survey

Dude, do you have a moment to take a quick survey?

So AskMen.com just put up the first segment of its annual 3-part Great Male Survey.  Filled with strange assumptions and sometimes creepy questions, it’s a survey that reveals at least as much about the survey makers as it does the survey takers, and what it reveals ain’t good:  it seems to have been written by a jaded ex-romantic ( or a committee of such) only a few short steps away from full-blown MGTOW-hood.

The survey starts off with a fairly innocuous question about basic compatibility, but quickly veers off course with question #2:

How important is it to you that your wife/future wife signs a prenup?

Hold on a second, daddy-o! We haven’t even determined if the little missy has “wife potential” yet —  as question #3 puts it.

After one more question about marriage, the quiz moves on to cheating and then (perhaps inevitably) to the issue of divorce:

Do men get screwed by the courts in divorce?

Then it’s onward to kvetching about what a naggy shrew your partner is (assuming you haven’t already finalized the divorce):

Followed by the classic “Would you dump a girlfriend if she became fat?” (Just in case you’re wondering, ladies, nearly half the American guys in last year’s survey said “yes.”)

Next we get to what we might call the “creepy controlling asshole” portion of the survey. After asking whether we’ve ever snooped through our partner’s email or Facebook messages, they pose this doozy:

That quiet clattering you hear is the sound of a thousand creepy dudes Googling to see if this is possible – and, if so, the best place to put the chip.

After several more questions about Facebook and the internet, a few badly conceptualized questions about romance, and a bunch about sex, the quiz moves on to some good old-fashioned slut shaming, asking men to quantify the number of sex partners a woman is allowed to have before they consider her “promiscuous.”  Ladies: you’ll be glad to know that 41% of American dudes who took the survey last year consider any women with more than 9 lifetime partners to be dirty sluts – sorry, “promiscuous.”

Then of course it’s on to an attempt to quantify exactly when women start getting all old and ugly:

Yes, one of the possible answers is “18.” You may be slightly reassured by the fact that zero percent of last year’s survey takers gave that answer. Six percent said “20,” though, and 24% said “30.”

Then we have this curiously worded question on workplace sex:

So the idea that your partner might be a big higher up on the old org chart isn’t even a possibility? What is this, 1962? Did they borrow this question from Helen Gurley Brown’s Sex and the Single Girl? Or find it scribbled on a napkin on Don Draper’s desk just before he impulsively proposed to his new secretary?

I think we need to design our own survey.

(Note: Cartoon above borrowed, of course, from Comically Vintage.)

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PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
PosterformerlyknownasElizabeth
9 years ago

I am sacred to even look at the list.

Good lord.

Avicenna
9 years ago

I am actually tempted to fill it in. I find ask men comical. It’s part sane information (dress well, talk to women, be confident in what you are!) part lunacy (chat up lines, game theory and “buy this and you will get laid” advertising).

Life is What You Make It
Life is What You Make It
9 years ago

I would love to see a Man Boobz survey!

zombie rotten mcdonald

game theory

to be fair, Game Theory was an excellent, if underappreciated, power pop band from San Francisco.

zombie rotten mcdonald

One question for a manboobz survey would HAVE to begin “You get into an elevator with a woman who you have seen in the halls. Do you..”

Avicenna
9 years ago

Man that survey is depressing if you are single and have no hope of any relationships for the near future…

schism
schism
9 years ago

At what age do women start losing their looks?

Second trimester, obviously. Only zygotes are really attractive.

Avicenna
9 years ago

Hey baby you have nice pharyngeal arches! The juxtaposition of of them indicates that one day you will be attractive and I wish to get in on that action… If you know what I am saying…

Man foetus pick up lines are lousy.

zombie rotten mcdonald

Second trimester, obviously. Only zygotes are really attractive.

John? John Derbyshire?

Plymouth
Plymouth
9 years ago

I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.

Of course if one of us got promoted that might be a problem! Hmm.

zombie rotten mcdonald

ok, wow. I took the damn thing, and fully half of the questions were basically unanswerable unless you are a jerkwad.

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

I just don’t understand. Most of the fat chicks I’ve known have been totally friggin’ awesome people. Seriously, the guys that hate so much on them are missing out.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

I’m peeved that the question, “Is it okay to pay for sex?” did not have an answer, “Yes; but only if you’re sure she isn’t being exploited & you tip her well.”

zombie rotten mcdonald

him/her, LVVS.

Leroy Brown
Leroy Brown
9 years ago

That GPS one is going to give me nightmares. If it had “only” been about hiding a GPS in her purse or car or something, it would have been merely creepy. But suggesting the idea of an implant and then letting one of the answers be “only if she didn’t agree to it”? The casual disregard for the woman’s bodily autonomy inherent in that is really gross.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

You’re correct, zombie.

“Yes, but only if you are sure your sex worker is not being exploited and you tip him or her well.”

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Which magazine do you most frequently consult for relationship advice?

A. Ms.
B. Cosmopolitan
C. Maxim
D. Penthouse Forum
E. Guns & Ammo

filetofswedishfish
filetofswedishfish
9 years ago

I told FiletofSwedishBoyfriend about the question about the GPS chip. In a “Haha- Isn’t this crazy scary and a totally not-OK thing to do” way. His answer? Only if I thought she was cheating and I wanted to confirm it. Implying not getting her permission. It makes me worried. Sigh.

And I’m seconding that there aren’t many of the questions that have a non-dipfuck way to answer.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

If you want to ensure your girlfriend says ‘yes’ when you propose to her, you should:

A) Design a really elaborate proposal in front of her friends, family and even a few complete strangers so she’ll feel pressured to say yes.

B) Make sure to buy her a really big engagement ring.

C) Get plastic surgery to make yourself look more like Brad Pitt.

D) Have some talks with her about your future together and your shared expectations of married life.

Marion Poliquin
Marion Poliquin
9 years ago

Frankly, the number 38 is the real howler for me. I decided to fill out the survey out of curiosity before I read the rest of your post. I came full stop at that question and burst out laughing. I could actually smell the axe body-spray and cheap hair gel through the screen.

oldfeminist
oldfeminist
9 years ago

plymouth: “I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.”

Fortunately not everyone is in a direct-report relationship. If I am the head of Sales and you are an entry-level Programmer, there’s a power imbalance but you don’t report to me.

Lady V, I like the question idea. How about this one:

When a woman is talking, what does it sound like to you?

A) The Charlie Brown adults (wah wah wah).

B) A screeching bird or monkey.

C) A lumbering, mooing cow.

D) A sentient human being.

E) Background noise — I don’t even hear it.

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

@Lady Victoria

E) Tell her over and over again that no one else will ever love her like you do, and that you’d die without her.

Mind as well weed out some of the really creepy ones.

Pecunium
9 years ago

I think my answer to that last one would be “yes but only if he/she was at the SAME level position as I am”. Because I would not want to have to explain to HR that *either one of us* was in a position to potentially affect the other’s position.

When I’m having a sexual relationship… I like it when we can affect each other’s position.

evilwhitemalempire
evilwhitemalempire
9 years ago

“I just don’t understand. Most of the fat chicks I’ve known have been totally friggin’ awesome people. Seriously, the guys that hate so much on them are missing out.”

Well we try. Quite often, however, they grow quite awesome once the marriage papers are signed. So we don’t miss out on too much awesomeness I can assure you.

Pecunium
9 years ago

Question one: Did you take the AskMen.com Survey:

Yes
No

Question two: If yes why?______________________________

If no: Why not? ________________________________________

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

The best way to eat bacon is:

* Real bacon
* Bacon salt
* Bacon popcorn
* Caramel popcorn balls made with bacon popcorn
* A BLT made with Baconnaise
* All of the above

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

Oooh, I forgot “With beer” as one of the options!

Pecunium
9 years ago

Real bacon, cut by hand from a flitch.

I, sadly, can’t keep a flitch. My primary keeps kosher, and no bacon in the house. :<

zombie rotten mcdonald

Pecunium: Long pig.

Because at this point, they MIGHT AS WELL add cannibalism to that quiz, it couldn’t be any more dehumanizing.

Molly Ren
9 years ago

Pecunium, I never knew that a flitch was until I Googled it just now. This is why I keep coming back to this thread. 😛

xtra
xtra
9 years ago

How does the bacon question make you feel.

A.hungry
B.horny
C.both a & b
D.oh sweet,sweet tasty bacon,mmmmmmmmm. Wut?

Hide and Seek
Hide and Seek
9 years ago

I have a warm fuzzy feeling about the state of humanity because last year 54% of people said they *wouldn’t* break up with their girlfriend if she got fat.

These are the good feelings one can only get from very low expectations. 🙂

Plymouth
Plymouth
9 years ago

The thing about the breaking up with the girlfriend if she got “fat” is that “fat” isn’t defined. I mean, if she put on 5 pounds? Went up 5 dress sizes? Took a little too long to lose the babyweight? And over what timeframe?

Early in our relationship I told my fiance I’d break up with him if he ever cut his hair short. We’ve been together almost 7 years now and at this point I wouldn’t ACTUALLY break up with him (I’ve gotten rather attached)… but I’d still be very very whiny and sad about it for a long time. Fortunately he has no plans to cut his hair 🙂

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

oh sweet,sweet tasty bacon,mmmmmmmmm

The maple kind?

zombie rotten mcdonald

Fortunately he has no plans to cut his hair

some men have the decision made for them.

Amatyultare
Amatyultare
9 years ago

So, apparently to the AskMen survey creators, male=heterosexual (or perhaps bisexual, but only if you mostly prefer women, I guess)? Practically every relationship question stated or implied that the survey-taker’s partner(s) is/was/are female.

I cannot think of any funny ManBoobz survey questions, but I wish there was a way to have the survey-takers answer variants on every “woman/girlfriend/partner” questions with a counter question about men/themselves. “Would your partner dump you if you got fat?” (Whatever that means, as Plymouth points out.) “How many sexual partners makes a man ‘promiscuous’?” “At what age do men begin to lose their looks?”

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

I’m kind of with Dan Savage when it comes to partners becoming unattractive (whether it’s getting fat or something else). I do believe that we have a responsibility to our partners to try and keep ourselves attractive for them.

I mean, aging gets everyone in the end, and that’s to be expected. And you can’t start dating someone who’s a particular body type and then expect them to change. And if your partner has medical problems that are causing the changes, it’s rather dickish to leave.

That being said – if my boyfriend put on a few pounds, I wouldn’t care. But if he just up and stopped caring about himself or his appearance… yeah, there’s some issues there.

filetofswedishfish
filetofswedishfish
9 years ago

Q: When you see a sandwich, what is your first thought?
A- Ooh, delicious, convenient lunch
B- This better have been made by female hands!
C- If a woman did indeed make this, then all is right in my world.
D- It’s not visible long enough for me to think much about it.

Shaenon
9 years ago

When a woman is talking, what does it sound like to you?

A) The Charlie Brown adults (wah wah wah).

B) A screeching bird or monkey.

C) A lumbering, mooing cow.

D) A sentient human being.

E) Background noise — I don’t even hear it.

F) Spitting.

“Spitting” has to be added as an option to every question, regardless of what it is.

I also tried to take the quiz and gave up because half the questions only have jerkwad-compatible answers. And, yes, the two questions about sex with coworkers (why two? who knows?) seem to envision a situation less like Jim and Pam on “The Office” and more like Don Draper screwing his way through the secretarial pool. Ick.

zombie rotten mcdonald

“Spitting” has to be added as an option to every question, regardless of what it is.

O yeah. perfect!

Linds
Linds
9 years ago

Ew, bacon. 🙁

zombie rotten mcdonald

A person in your workplace who is senior and holds your career in his hands, is making advances and sexual demands, even though you have made it plain that you are heterosexual and not interested. Do you:

A) file a harassment complaint with HR, even though the other males will ridicule you for dressing slutty.
B) beat the senior associate and put him into the hospital, and later claim “gay panic”.
C) submit happily.
D) Quietly find another job, even if it pays less and has less opportunity for advancement.
D) spit on him.

Kes
Kes
9 years ago

Oh, oh, I have one!

A woman tells you about several times she was harassed/abused/groped by a stranger in public. What do you do?

A) Offer compassion and sympathy. Resolve to speak up the next time you see a woman being harassed in public, because change has to start with you.

B) Ask if she might not have mis-interpreted or exaggerated the incident. Explore it from the point of view of the groper: it’s just touching, what is the big deal?

C) Decide she is lying and you’d better not make a pass at her, even tho you only became her friend to do just that, because she’d probably false-rape-accuse you or something. Crazy bitch.

D) No woman has ever told me about an incident like this. Therefore it never happens.

Kes
Kes
9 years ago

Oh, or E) Wait for her to spit on you, because that’s all bitches know how to do, amirite?!

KJ
KJ
9 years ago

What skills could you contribute to the ManBoobz Community in the event of the apocalypse?
A. Hunting/fishing skills
B. Farming/gathering skills
C. Child bearing skills
D. Child rearing skills
E. Construction skills
F. Zombie-killing skills
G. All of the above skills
For the record, also state your gender and how you acquired said skills.

Bee
Bee
9 years ago

You need to buy a bathtub. Do you

(A) Look for a capacious model, so all the virgin-blood doesn’t spill out on the floor.
(B) Look for a sturdy model, so that fat chick you’ll probably end up banging doesn’t break it with her fatness.
(C) Look for a solid-gold model, so to better attract hot alpha golddiggers.
(D) Decide against getting a bathtub. After all, you’re Going Your Own Way. Why live up to society’s expectations of hygiene now?
(E) Run out of the store without buying any bathtub because the beta salesgirls all spit on you.

zombie rotten mcdonald

F. Zombie-killing skills

hey now.

Amnesia
Amnesia
9 years ago

Have you stopped beating your significant other?

A) Yes.
B) No.
C) None of those entitled alpha bitches hang around long enough for me to beat them! But I’m a nice guy!

Bee
Bee
9 years ago

Sex robot. What’dya say?

(A) Yes! The only reason I have any communication with women anyway is in the off chance that I’ll get some freaky robot sex with one of them.
(B) No, my hatred of women extends to robot bitches as well.
(C) It depends. I have to pay child support for all these children I couldn’t force my ex to abort, due to the feminist jurisprudence and whatnot. How much is the cheapest model?
(D) It depends. Can I program the sex robot to spit on me?

Leroy Brown
Leroy Brown
9 years ago

At what point does a woman owe you sex?

A) After I have claimed ownership by “putting a ring on it”
B) After I slay a mammoth for her
C) Once I’ve purchased it by paying for dinner and a movie
D) Once I’ve earned it by being such a nice guy and listening to her bitch about that bad boy thug she’s dating
E) When I say, and she better not spit on me by thinking she doesn’t owe me anything

(I feel dirty.)

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