A reader recently pointed me to a curious and fascinating document online with the puzzling – to me – title “Confessions of a Ward Hopper.” The author, it turns out, is an unmarried Mormon lawyer in his early 30s, and he isn’t happy about his single status. The “wards” he’s referring to in his title are Mormon singles wards, essentially congregations designed to give, well, Mormon singles the chance to meet and marry (and then to move into one of the Church’s regular home wards). Such is the theory, in any case. But our “Ward Hopper” has had no such luck, and he’s been flitting from singles ward to singles ward in a so-far fruitless search for a mate.
I have attended every LDS singles ward that has existed in the last decade from Provo to Ogden – and a few in Vegas, California, Washington and St. George. …
I hate singles wards — and so does everyone who attends them — but we all keep going to them, pretending we like them, pretending like we belong, only because we all want to get married to someone who’s LDS and we believe the wards are a necessary mine field in our lives. … There is no where else to go to meet LDS singles in person and no other way to get to know them
So what seems to be the sticking point? At first glance, Ward Hopper seems like quite a catch, at least for a certian kind of woman. He makes a good living. His faith, he says, “is solid as a rock.” He owns a small fleet of vehicles (four cars, two motorcycles, two boats). As he describes himself:
I’m 6’2, and fairly slim. I used to body-build, but now I just drink Coke and watch FOX News. I have thinning brown hair and blue eyes that are so piercing that sometimes I find whole rooms of people falling silent and staring at them as I enter.
Wait, what?
I think we’re beginning to see just why Mr. Hopper hasn’t quite clicked with anyone yet: his self-descriptions veer wildly between grandiosity (those piercing blue eyes) and hypercritical self-loathing. Hopper continues:
I like to think I’m attractive and smart; but, in moments of pain and failure, I realize that I am not as attractive and smart as I’ve convinced myself I am. I am constantly stressed about cases, clients, being single, money and my habitual disorganization. My apartment is a disaster, and so are my cars.
Maybe he’s trying to pull a Costanza here, throwing women off-guard with his radical honesty. (“My name is George. I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.”) But this strategy works better on sitcoms than in real life.
And here we come to another of Hopper’s less endearing qualities. If Hopper judges himself a bit harshly at times, he’s even more judgmental of others. Walking into a new singles ward, he sizes everyone up at once with those “piercing” eyes of his. And he doesn’t seem to like what he sees – or, rather, imagines:
I can tell within thirty seconds of meeting another priesthood holder whether that Elder is addicted to porn by watching which women he glances at. I can tell from the response I get to a single smile whether any young woman is from a small town, whether she is spoiled and stuck up, and whether she is a democrat.
As you have probably begun to suspect, Hopper is especially judgmental when it comes to women, none of whom seem to live up to his exacting standards. All he wants, he says, is “someone beautiful who’s LDS, who’s not spoiled, who needs me.” But, alas, most of the singles ward ladies are fat fatties:
Two thirds of the young women are overweight. These girls all think that because they have good personalities, or good jobs, or are well-educated that guys should care more about who they are than how they look. Someone needs to make them understand that young men will never want to be intimate with them if they’re even a little heavy, and they’re doomed if they don’t lose weight. If these girls understood the world and men, they’d all quit their jobs, drop out of school, and devote themselves soley to losing weight. It’s that important. While beauty isn’t the only important thing in a girl, it is the gateway to the other qualities which no man cares about exploring without the attraction. No amount of makeup will cover a size fifteen dress size. Like men, women have an obligation to be happy, to procreate, to start a family, to experience humanity and love — which means they’ve got an obligation to lose some weight to accomplish that. Nobody would have wanted to kiss Sleeping Beauty if she were a fatty with a Ph.d.
What about the singles ward ladies who aren’t overeducated cupcake-munchers? Apparently they’re all New Age flakes, into “exotic fruit-juice cleanses,” astrology, and gay civil rights:
The other third of the girls who aren’t overweight have a different problem. … We sit down at a nice dinner, and they begin to talk about somebody who’s suffering some medical or emotional problem. They then begin to extol the virtues of holistic/herbal medicine and animal rights, which apparently this person who’s suffering doesn’t understand. I nod in increasing frustration as they begin to praise vegetarianism, then proceed to pontificate about liberalism/feminism/homosexuality from mental notes they took in a humanities class being taught by some gutless, godless, gay, liberal hippee freak at the University of Utah … It seems like many LDS women who aren’t married seek to identify with bizarre belief systems, as if these beliefs have become their spouses … .
And get this, ladies – he’s still single! The line forms on the right.
Despite all this bitterness and blaming of others, I don’t think Hopper is completely hopeless as a human being. He admits to some of his human frailties, talking about his struggle to free himself from a gambling addiction; perhaps this experience could give him a bit of empathy for others who don’t live up to his very specific standards of perfection, or who otherwise have motes in their eyes, as it were. And he does have occasional moments of self-awareness:
I try not to break the Sabbath, but I do buy food on Sundays because I don’t know how to cook. Maybe I’m a hypocrite. I’m the kind of guy who walks into Walmart on a Sunday night and looks around in dismay at all the Sabbath breakers who are wandering the store, and wonder how dare they be there.
From such tiny acorns of self-awareness, mighty oaks can be grown. Forgive yourself for some of your many flaws, and forgive others for their flaws (and all the flaws you simply assume they have). And you might not have to keep hopping forever.
re Mormons (caveat: I am not a Mormon but my branch of the Army has a lot of them, because we need linguists). I have a lot of Mormon friends. They are, by and large, decent upstanding, kind, generous and moderately batty.
They tend to be conservative (and a fair number of them tend to be Conservative). They are loving to their families, and seem to have decent sex lives (if they are married).
But on the subject of homosexuality… I think the combination of the onus to procreate and the long period of homosocial time, out of immediate control (i.e. missions) is a huge part of the fear. When the added oddity of proxy baptism comes in, well the church’s legal efforts to keep it from being non-ostracized are meant, in part, to keep the threat of its members deciding that it’s not a horror.
I think it would also make the US missionary work harder, were they to be against (another) mainstream social more.
I find it interesting that Hopper seems to be finding so many Mormon women who aren’t opposed to it to the degree he thinks needful (I am not, based on my time in Utah/around Mormons) going to say that I think them to be gung-ho supporters, more in the “live and let live” category). That is hopeful, in the long run.
@Victoria – Are you describing Sir Mix-A-Lot
Samsara is right, as most women are attracted to confident secure men, most men tend to be attracted to confident secure women. Personality counts more than we think bar in one night stands and random hook ups.
After all, who wants an mentally unbalanced man who looks pretty and with no redeeming values when you can go for someone a little less pretty but more nice. It’s like owning a car. The lambourghini is nice for a quick spin but it would do your head in if you had to drive it everyday.
Also I never understood what Alpha meant since I would traditionally fall under “alpha” solely because one day I will have a job that earns more money than my peers but I don’t think like a complete douche. (or atleast I hope not.)
My theory on why the Mormons oppose gay civil rights is actually based on the belief that they live in fear of polygamy becoming legal again.
There are basically two types of Mormons – there are the descendants of the pioneers, who mostly live in the Mormon Corridor of Utah, Arizona and Idaho and have been Mormon for five or six generations. These people are the backbone of the church. And then there are the recent converts, people who might have become Methodists or Baptists instead and don’t have the deep cultural ties to Mormonism and Mormon history.
As a little Mormonlet, I was taught that polygamy was still divinely ordained, but because the U.S. Government made it illegal, and because it is a divine injunction to keep the laws of the land, we were putting off polygamy for now. But what if polygamy *does* become legal?
Either the Church re-embraces the doctrine, and alienates their more mainstream, non-crazy members. Or they continue to reject polygamy and their true blue members conclude the church is in apostasy and form their own breakaway sects.
Well, before polygamy is legal, they’ll legalize gay marriage. So to head off polygamy, the Church fights against gay marriage.
Also… with regards to his blue eyes…
Maybe he is the Muad’Dib of dating? After all the Old Spice must flow!
Actually can you not get married in a ceremony but not sign the register thus allowing you to indulge in polygamy since the signing the marriage register is what is binding not the actual song and dance ceremony?
That way you can have your polygamy cake and eat it?
the girls talking in the beginning is totally how I imagine MRAL sounds too
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4he79krseU&w=425&h=349%5D
Pecunium: Thanks for mentioning that. However odd Mormon theology may be, Mormons are some of the nicest people I’ve met.
@ Avicenna:
Yes, and they are called ‘spirit wives’, since the participants are deemed to be married in spirit if not in law. Mainstream Mormons repudiate spiritual wifery and all forms of polygamy practiced; though there are more than a few breakaway sects. The HBO show Big Love was actually fairly accurate. Another good resource is John Krakauer’s book, “Under the Banner of Heaven.”
I’m going to join the chorus of those who mentioned that the mormons in my social circle are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. There are two in my class year at $PhDProgram. I guess Submarine Jesus was also good at math??
Ahahahaha. I am obese, liberal, atheist, etc. I must be REALLY REALLY REALLY “doomed”. Oh wait, I’m happy, am engaged (to a guy who was initially attracted to me solely because of my weight, btw, some guys dig fat chicks, for real), about to graduate and move on to graduate school. Also, the “obligation to procreate” is really creepy too. As someone with no interest in children or parenting, Mormonism is obviously not for me.
Most of the Mormons I know are decent people and I know a lot because I live and work really near Mesa, AZ.
Then there are the Pearce Brothers.
I can’t say I even know any Mormons off the top of my head, at least not people that I’m aware are Mormons. Then again, I run with the non-religious, drinking, smoking, partying, fornicating set, so I guess that’s natural.
Though I’m sure they’re nice people.
O yeah. I’m totally an entitled, uppity fatty. If you ask me, few are better than I am (and then again, very few are worse). People are different.
Why is it dismaying that I feel I deserve what I think is the best? My boyfriend is extremely smart, and handsome, can play guitar, bass, and drums, is open-minded, and a wonderful lover. Sorry. But I deserve him and he loves me, fat and all.
I used to know some conservative Catholic guys like Hopper. They have a complete mental compartmentalization when it comes to women. For instance, they won’t look at porn because, “Ew, that would contaminate ME and my moral purity,” but they have no problem sexually objectifying women in every other way. Had sex, ladies? Oops, sorry, you’re used goods. They are trained to consider themselves special which, OK–fine, we should all appreciate and value ourselves–but they have no ability to see women as unique individuals who CAN BE SPECIAL TOO. It’s sexual objectification through and through, but they can’t realize it because–“but, but, I’m sexually pure, how can I be a bad person?!? How can I be subject to criticism? At all? Ever? And besides, the other special snowflake guys and all the chicks who are hanging out with us waiting for their M.R.S degree are on my side, so, obviously you disagree with me because you’re a SINNER.” Um. Yeah. That’s it. Also, I’m still chuckling over “fatty with a PhD.” OMG, priceless!!! Marry me now, please…I’m sorry for all that education, forgive me….I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy…strike me with your blazing blue eyes. Scorch the sin and the education out of me.
@avicenna, on the purely legal issue, it depends on the state. A state technically can write its penal code in such a way that claiming to be married even without a legal marriage liscense could constitute illegal polygamy (and some do). Some states are “common law marriage” states, where if a man and a woman represent themselves as married and live together for a certain period of time, they are considered legally married and granted legal rights(that is an oversimplification, but that is the general idea). Common law marriage states do often technically count a common law marriage when one already has a common law marriage or a statutory marriage as polygamy. However, as a practical matter, polygamy charges are extremely rare, and are rarer still when there is no marriage liscense or accusation of other crimes (such as fraud or statutory rape).
I still think we should mock him by making dune references.
Also thin people also go into education… I mean it is hard to stay fat in medical school outside exams. I stand for like “hours” and miss so many lunches.
Seanbaby, noted feminist author for such radfem rags like cracked.com and electronic gaming monthly, called Mormon women “disproportionately hot.” And if you like your women white & wealthy he’s not wrong. If the ward hopper can look at a gathering of single Mormons of any gender and see nothing but fat hippies he might be happier in the desert sampling the Mormon Fundamentalist offerings. I think their ladies are, by unfotunate neccesity, less picky about the amount of raging douchebaggery they’ll accept from a guy.
“I oncw wondered out loud on a talk radio program whether the Mountain Meadows Massacre was justified.”
Oh. My. God.
Ward Hopper is fairly slim? Wtf does that mean? Is it similar to “partially fluent in French” or “practically a virgin”? Would he go out with a woman who describes herself as “fairly” slim, or would he label her an entitled fatty fat fatty? The description of his looks sound to me like “Although I have a spare tire around my middle, it’s more like a sedan spare tire, not an ATV spare tire, so it’s not so bad, and anyway, my piercing eyes and nearly half-full head of hair draw attention away from that, honest!! Just ask any of those hundreds of fatty fat fatties who want to have my children, clean up my shit, and make me three square meals a day, because I’m a man and it’s okay for me to have a gut the size of a small country, I’m still entitled to someone who looks like Linda Evangelista. Did I mention already my eyes are so piercing, they double as flashlights in the dark and burn twin holes in people’s heads?”
“If these girls understood the world and men, they’d all quit their jobs, drop out of school, and devote themselves soley to losing weight.”
Why limit that advice to “girls”? If looks are the only thing that matters to men, I think it’s important to convey to married Mormon women that they should quit child care, cooking, cleaning, shopping and gardening, and devote themselves solely to attaining and keeping a svelte figure.
In re. nice Mormons – I’m sure there are plenty. I don’t know any Mormons myself, but I know many other Conservative Christians (many in my own family) and they are, on the whole, nice people. That’s only to be expected. We’re not dealing with orcs, here. Their problem is not that they’re cruel or heartless people as individuals. It’s that they buy into and defend a cruel system, and either rationalize or compartmentalize when confronted with that system’s negative effects. Rationalize (deployed when confronted with abstract stories and statistics): if the people who suffer under the system I believe in would only follow the rules, they wouldn’t be suffering. It’s their own fault. Compartmentalization (deployed when confronted by an actual person): I didn’t mean you, you’re one of the good ones.
“If these girls understood the world and men, they’d all quit their jobs, drop out of school, and devote themselves soley to losing weight.”
If he understood anything about women, namely that women are people with aspirations not necessarily limited to matrimony, maybe he’d stop being such a douchebag and just deal with his own life instead of trying to control the lives of everyone else.
But, the most I’m hoping for is that one day, he learns to spell ‘solely’ right.
my piercing eyes and nearly half-full head of hair draw attention away from that, honest!!
“also, the tinfoil-wrapped zucchini I stuck into my trousers.”
Why tin foil wrapped? Just out of curiosity?
Oh, by the way, I meant no offense to Mormons. I too have found that LDS people in my area are some of the nicest people. I just think it’s weird that this guy is freaking out about “bizarre belief systems”. I don’t hold holistic hippie medicine beliefs or Mormonism against the people that practice them even if I wouldn’t necessarily date that person just because it would be a bad match.
As for being gay civil rights, the bizarre belief system is to *not* be rooting for that!
I have no idea what he means by stopping everything to focus exclusively on losing weight. The less you have to do, the more likely you will binge.
Dumb.