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All the Singles Ward Ladies

Why are there three different sizes of people here?

A reader recently pointed me to a curious and fascinating document online with the puzzling – to me – title “Confessions of a Ward Hopper.” The author, it turns out, is an unmarried Mormon lawyer in his early 30s, and he isn’t happy about his single status. The “wards” he’s referring to in his title are Mormon singles wards, essentially congregations designed to give, well, Mormon singles the chance to meet and marry (and then to move into one of the Church’s regular home wards). Such is the theory, in any case. But our “Ward Hopper” has had no such luck, and he’s been flitting from singles ward to singles ward in a so-far fruitless search for a mate.

I have attended every LDS singles ward that has existed in the last decade from Provo to Ogden – and a few in Vegas, California, Washington and St. George. …

I hate singles wards — and so does everyone who attends them — but we all keep going to them, pretending we like them, pretending like we belong, only because we all want to get married to someone who’s LDS and we believe the wards are a necessary mine field in our lives.  …  There is no where else to go to meet LDS singles in person and no other way to get to know them

So what seems to be the sticking point? At first glance, Ward Hopper seems like quite a catch, at least for a certian kind of woman. He makes a good living.  His faith, he says, “is solid as a rock.” He owns a small fleet of vehicles (four cars, two motorcycles, two boats). As he describes himself:

I’m 6’2, and fairly slim.  I used to body-build, but now I just drink Coke and watch FOX News.  I have thinning brown hair and blue eyes that are so piercing that sometimes I find whole rooms of people falling silent and staring at them as I enter. 

Wait, what?

I think we’re beginning to see just why Mr. Hopper hasn’t quite clicked with anyone yet: his self-descriptions veer wildly between grandiosity (those piercing blue eyes) and hypercritical self-loathing. Hopper continues:

I like to think I’m attractive and smart; but, in moments of pain and failure, I realize that I am not as attractive and smart as I’ve convinced myself I am.  I am constantly stressed about cases, clients, being single, money and my habitual disorganization.  My apartment is a disaster, and so are my cars. 

Maybe he’s trying to pull a Costanza here, throwing women off-guard with his radical honesty. (“My name is George. I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.”) But this strategy works better on sitcoms than in real life.

And here we come to another of Hopper’s less endearing qualities. If Hopper judges himself a bit harshly at times, he’s even more judgmental of others. Walking into a new singles ward, he sizes everyone up at once with those “piercing” eyes of his. And he doesn’t seem to like what he sees – or, rather, imagines:

I can tell within thirty seconds of meeting another priesthood holder whether that Elder is addicted to porn by watching which women he glances at.  I can tell from the response I get to a single smile whether any young woman is from a small town, whether she is spoiled and stuck up, and whether she is a democrat.

As you have probably begun to suspect, Hopper is especially judgmental when it comes to women, none of whom seem to live up to his exacting standards. All he wants, he says, is “someone beautiful who’s LDS, who’s not spoiled, who needs me.” But, alas, most of the singles ward ladies are fat fatties:

Two thirds of the young women are overweight.  These girls all think that because they have good personalities, or good jobs, or are well-educated that guys should care more about who they are than how they look.  Someone needs to make them understand that young men will never want to be intimate with them if they’re even a little heavy, and they’re doomed if they don’t lose weight.  If these girls understood the world and men, they’d all quit their jobs, drop out of school, and devote themselves soley to losing weight.  It’s that important.  While beauty isn’t the only important thing in a girl, it is the gateway to the other qualities which no man cares about exploring without the attraction.  No amount of makeup will cover a size fifteen dress size.  Like men, women have an obligation to be happy, to procreate, to start a family, to experience humanity and love — which means they’ve got an obligation to lose some weight to accomplish that.  Nobody would have wanted to kiss Sleeping Beauty if she were a fatty with a Ph.d.

What about the singles ward ladies who aren’t overeducated cupcake-munchers? Apparently they’re all New Age flakes, into “exotic fruit-juice cleanses,” astrology, and gay civil rights:

The other third of the girls who aren’t overweight have a different problem. …  We sit down at a nice dinner, and they begin to talk about somebody who’s suffering some medical or emotional problem.  They then begin to extol the virtues of holistic/herbal medicine and animal rights, which apparently this person who’s suffering doesn’t understand.  I nod in increasing frustration as they begin to praise vegetarianism, then proceed to pontificate about liberalism/feminism/homosexuality from mental notes they took in a humanities class being taught by some gutless, godless, gay, liberal hippee freak at the University of Utah …  It seems like many LDS women who aren’t married seek to identify with bizarre belief systems, as if these beliefs have become their spouses … .

And get this, ladies – he’s still single! The line forms on the right.

Despite all this bitterness and blaming of others, I don’t think Hopper is completely hopeless as a human being. He admits to some of his human frailties, talking about his struggle to free himself from a gambling addiction; perhaps this experience could give him a bit of empathy for others who don’t live up to his very specific standards of perfection, or who otherwise have motes in their eyes, as it were. And he does have occasional moments of self-awareness:

I try not to break the Sabbath, but I do buy food on Sundays because I don’t know how to cook.  Maybe I’m a hypocrite.  I’m the kind of guy who walks into Walmart on a Sunday night and looks around in dismay at all the Sabbath breakers who are wandering the store, and wonder how dare they be there.

From such tiny acorns of self-awareness, mighty oaks can be grown. Forgive yourself for some of your many flaws, and forgive others for their flaws (and all the flaws you simply assume they have). And you might not have to keep hopping forever.

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Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

Porn is a pretty shameful thing amongst Mormons. Looking at porn & masturbating once a week qualifies you for a ‘sex addiction’.

I am not kidding, they teach that sexual sin (any sort of sex other than that with a lawfully wedded cis-hetero spouse, including masturbation) is the sin next to murder. The only thing you can do worse than fucking someone is to kill them.

Kes
Kes
9 years ago

It is a Mormon thing. People who use porn are committing adultery against their future spouse, abusing their bodies/souls and the bodies/souls of those they fantasize about. As with some other Christianities, the only “good” sex is sex beyond a husband and wife. All other forms are perverse and sinful. It is a very sex-negative message. The anti-gay impulse in the Mormon church comes from the same place.

zombie rotten mcdonald

The only thing you can do worse than fucking someone is to kill them.

It’s like they based the religion on a Doors song.

briget
briget
9 years ago

kirby, I’m a size 4 and I wear a dd cup. We do exist I promise you

I grew up basically avoiding all the LDS kids I went to school with so could someone please tell me what a singles ward is?

Laughing gull
Laughing gull
9 years ago

I should have known. I was also raised in a strict religion and taught that “self pleasure” was not only a sin, but that it would cause diseases, such as cancer.

canyonwren
canyonwren
9 years ago

Laughing gull: It’s funny, because regular ejaculation (like, say, though masturbation) dramatically lowers your risk of prostate cancer…or so I’ve heard.

mediumdave
mediumdave
9 years ago

Although “Hopper” sounds a lot like an MRA, his lament undermines a lot of what MRA’s preach… by any reasonable standard he’d be considered an “alpha”. And if all women were as hypergamous as MRA’s claim, the single ladies would be all over him. But they aren’t.

Why? Probably because they don’t need him. Even in the tradition-minded LDS church, the women are independent-minded to the extent that Hopper’s egotism is a big turn-off. The sad thing is that Hopper is an oddball who thinks he’s mainstream, and the LDS church is intolerant of oddballs.

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Also, if he is like some Mormons and wants 10 kids or more, than he is going to have to relax his standards on weight

I think Hopper knows this perfectly well. Deep inside, he rejects the whole husband-and-father thing, but he can’t admit it to himself, so he tells himself its the wimmenz fault that he’s still single.

ink
ink
9 years ago

So based on Ward’s rants, I think it’s safe to say that he harbors a very, very intense fetish for fat, dominant, sinful women. That’s how it always works with religious folks who talk about the things they find disgusting…those are always the very things they desperately crave.

I’m sure that if Ward were famous enough for anybody to give a rat’s ass about him, we’d soon have tabloid front page photos of him in Mistress Darkpayne’s dungeon, with some lovely large woman whipping the crap out of his skinny saintly arse. 😀

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

@ Briget:

Mormon congregations are divided up into ‘wards’, and the boundaries are generally geographic (you’ll go to church with folks in your neighborhood, and your kids will be in church with their classmates). Most wards are called family wards – designed around married couples with children. Sometimes there will be special wards: where I grew up, there were enough LDS Cambodians to make up an entire Cambodian ward, where services are conducted in Cambodian.

Since the Mormon faith and culture place such an emphasis on marriage, it behooves them to create as many spaces for LDS singles to meet – therefore, the singles ward, which one generally begins to attend after high school/mission and continues attending until marriage. Wards also have a lot of midweek activities, especially for the singles – lots of mixers, socials and even dances.

Laughing gull
Laughing gull
9 years ago

And watching Rachel Maddow instead of Fox!

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

@bridget:

Hrm, I see… I’ve discovered I have a new power! *declares* Thin women with large breasts who want to have sex with me don’t normally exist! *waits* drat…

“It seems like many LDS women who aren’t married seek to identify with bizarre belief systems, as if these beliefs have become their spouses”

Many people have already pointed out the irony in this statement, but here is another angle. He has a very specific set of beliefs (no animal rights, eat meat), that he wishes to have in a spouse. If he ends up marrying someone, they would have to embody this belief system. So… Isn’t his belief system basically his spouse?

briget
briget
9 years ago

LVVS, hm okay so single LDS are told where to go live then? Or is there generally a singles ward in every community across the country?

Kirby, I can’t help you with your sex life. Maybe join a club that you would find fun and you can meet someone?

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

@briget

Don’t worry, I’m being sarcastic. I’m pretty comfortable with my life at the moment.

FelixBC
FelixBC
9 years ago

He’s definitely an odd bird. Does no one teach men how to be decent humans in his church or family? For example, he seems to have confused “being nice” with “payment”:

My little sister is going to USU. She thinks I’ve become disassociated and too cynical. To show her I’m nice and I love her, I gave her my credit-card and told her to use whenever she wanted. She said she wouldn’t, even in an emergency, but I told her she better. I look at my statements each month, and she has never used my credit-card even once. If she started blowing a lot of money with it, I would be happier because I would feel like my money is benefiting someone I love, but she won’t spend any of it, so I sit at home and watch the news wondering what’s becoming of me.

Perhaps he could, oh, talk to her, to show her that he’s nice and loves her? Right impulse, lousy execution. Also, if he’s wondering what’s wrong with him, asking her would be a great way to start unravelling the mystery.

ozymandias
9 years ago

In Mauritania, girls are force-fed until they cry so they can become fat and marriageable. It’s called leblouh.

Anyone who claims men are naturally attracted to skinny chicks has to explain that.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

@ Briget:

Nah, no one in the Morg tells members where to live. Wards arise when there’s a substantial enough local population of Mormons to support their formation, and singles wards form along the same lines, which makes sense. Little Mormon children will eventually grow into young Mormon adults, and the leadership needs a place to stash ’em. Where I lived, the city was big enough for five wards, a Cambodian ward and two singles’ wards (one for 18-30, one for 30+). I think our singles’ wards drew on neighboring cities to populate them, as well.

So if you live in this zip code, you’d attend the Righteous Warriors of Zion Singles’ Ward; but if you lived two zip codes over, you’d attend the Find Your Eternal Companion Here Singles’ Ward (disclaimer: names of wards are usually not so silly).

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

Oh, and on the ‘men are naturally attracted to skinny women,’ turns out, .

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

Wow, comment fail above. If you click on the little period, it’ll take you to a LiveScience article showing the affect seeing a curvy woman versus a slender woman has on a male brain.

How do you code a link in WordPress?

katz
9 years ago

Lily-livered lordless Lesbian liberal loco lackwit.

(I’ve been thinking about this all afternoon.)

Men's Rights Activist Lieutenant
Men's Rights Activist Lieutenant
9 years ago

Quite honestly I agree with the guy. There are a lot of entitled fat chicks who think they can get alpha cock. This is a troubling development.

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

Quite honestly I agree with the guy. There are a lot of entitled fat chicks who think they can get alpha cock. This is a troubling development.

Maybe the fat chicks are onto something.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

The article mentions that curvacious figures activate reward centers of the brain, I wonder if the mention of drug use is thus a bit of a misrepresentation (in that any pleasureable experience activates similar areas).

I wish they linked to the paper, it might have been an interesting read.

Laughing gull
Laughing gull
9 years ago

If my only options were guys like Hopper, I’d be loading up on everything I could eat.

kirbywarp
kirbywarp
9 years ago

@MRAL (oh goody, he’s back)

No, its not by your own understanding. If Alphas don’t want fat chicks, and nobody else does, then the fact that fat chicks think they can get “alpha cock” is completely irrelavent.

Ugh… Andthegreeksystemisbunkandfatchicksarepeopletooandsoonandsoonadnauseum.

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

I think it galls him that fat chicks might actually be getting alpha cock–or any cock, for that matter.

zombie rotten mcdonald

…and meanwhile, no one is interested in HIS, Captain.

Laughing gull
Laughing gull
9 years ago

“and blue eyes that are so piercing that sometimes I find whole rooms of people falling silent and staring at them as I enter. ”

…where’s the doors and windows…

Jeanette
Jeanette
9 years ago

I too find it difficult to date people with bizarre belief systems. Like that Israelites took submarines to the U.S. and Jesus came to visit them right after he rose from the dead.

Plymouth
Plymouth
9 years ago

I have zero interest in alpha-cock. Conventionally attractive guys bore me. But I’ve had lots and lots of totally awesome beta-cock, thanks!

Seriously, if being fat were so problematic for getting laid we wouldn’t see statistics like this:

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html#frequency

90% of men and 86% of women have had sex in the past year

http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html#number

3% of men have had zero sexual partners since the age of 18
3% of women have had zero sexual partners since the age of 18

Captain Bathrobe
Captain Bathrobe
9 years ago

…and meanwhile, no one is interested in HIS, Captain.

Exactly. The kid needs to listen to more Queen.

katz
9 years ago

Plymouth: You’re just going to make MRAL even more sure there’s a huge conspiracy against him.

zombie rotten mcdonald

if anyone knew from bottoms, it would be Freddie.

darksidecat
darksidecat
9 years ago

@zombie, well, I assume as a bisexual, Freddie ends up in the queer sexuality category, which is a fog shrouded realm of great mystery to MRAs.

SWGM
SWGM
9 years ago

“If these girls understood the world and men, they’d all quit their jobs, drop out of school, and devote themselves soley to losing weight.”

You know, I’d like to think I *do* understand the world – which means I know how incredibly important it is get an education and a good job, so I can be financially independent. This way, my relationship to my boyfriend or husband doesn’t determine if I get to eat or have a roof over my head. It means I’m free to date, and bed, men based on compatibility, intimacy, and true love, not just financial stability.

…wow. Just typing that and reflecting on how much was accomplished in one generation brings a little tear to my eye.

Laughing gull
Laughing gull
9 years ago

SWGM: but that’s so….feminist! I live by that too. But MRA’s dislike it while bitching about our supposed hypergamy.

amandajane5
amandajane5
9 years ago

There are a lot of entitled fat chicks who think they can get alpha cock. This is a troubling development.

Why? You’ve clearly stated that you are a) not an alpha and b) not interested in fat chicks. So totally not your problem, right? Why not just ignore it an move on?

briget
briget
9 years ago

okay, at least they are not doing that. I still disagree with a lot of the practices of the LDS but the fact that they aren’t forcing single people to go live near the churches is a comforting thought.

Samsara
Samsara
9 years ago

“Maybe guys really are “hardwired” for skinny girls?”

Hmmm, I’ve been a really thin, hot girl in my 20s and am now a fat woman in my late 30s (all in the US and Western Europe). I get a lot more dates and sex now that I am older and weigh more than I did when I was thin and young. Probably has to due with being happy and secure. Of course, this is one data point.

I also have no idea what is meant by an alpha cock. I tend to care about intelligence, education and sense of humor. As far as I can tell, this whole Greek Sex Classification system is made up by guys who are determined to make themselves and people around them miserable by making up arbitrary classifications that reinforce anger.

Completely off topic, how are some of you doing those nifty quote boxes?

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

How do you code a link in WordPress?

Standard HTML. Replace the parentheses in the following example with angle brackets:

(a href=”http://johnnypez9.blogspot.com/”)The Johnny Pez Blog(/a)

And you get this:

The Johnny Pez Blog

Samsara
Samsara
9 years ago

Thanks @Johnny Pez.

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

And the quote boxes go like this:

(blockquote)Completely off topic, how are some of you doing those nifty quote boxes?(/blockquote)

Replace the parentheses with angle brackets, and you get:

Completely off topic, how are some of you doing those nifty quote boxes?

zombie rotten mcdonald

http://houseofsubstance.blogspot.com/

if you use Firefox, you can get an add-on called BBCode Extra that gives you a contextual (right-click) that automatically does all the angle bracket stuff for blockquotes, italics, links, and other stuff. Blogger limits some of what you can use, I dunno what kind of limits WP uses.

Substance McGravitas showed me that gadget.

zombie rotten mcdonald

grr. BBCODE Extra will not, however, prevent you from making stupid cut and paste errors.

Samsara
Samsara
9 years ago

Cool! Thanks all.

zombie rotten mcdonald

I dunno what kind of limits WP uses.

If I would look down at the bottom of the comment box, I would see that the allowed HTML is clearly listed.

Grrr. It’s like someone ate my brain tonight.

Johnny Pez
9 years ago

Replace the word “blockquote” with the word “strike” and you can have even more fun with that pathetic loser poor, put-upon omega MRAL.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

Thank you, Johnny! That was my first inclination, from years of using Livejournal, but the list at the bottom threw me off a bit.

Lady Victoria von Syrus
Lady Victoria von Syrus
9 years ago

@MRAL:

What if a guy you thought of as ‘alpha’ liked fat chicks? What if he abhorred skinny women with the same vehemence you show towards fat women? You know, like maybe an emcee or a DJ or a singer with a huge record deal, maybe someone like that. Maybe he even makes songs about how he absolutely adores these women. Definitely an alpha, and definitely into round, large women.

Are the women he pursues still in the wrong for feeling ‘entitled’ to his alpha cock?

And if women you despise as being ‘omega’ aren’t entitled to ‘alpha’ cock; and you are a self-described ‘omega’, how does that play out with your desire for ‘alpha’ or ‘beta’ female companionship? Is it a problem that you feel entitled to “date above your station”? I don’t actually believe any of this Greek system bullshit, but you obviously do, so I’m interested on your interpretation of your situation versus the hated fat chick who wants to date a decent guy.

Pecunium
9 years ago

MRAL: If the “fat chicks” are using up the “Alpha cock” that means some of the women whom you might like to bed aren’t getting it. You should be trying to convince Alphas to sleep with “fat chicks”.