Ladies! Stop assaulting us by dressing like slutty sluts

Dirty whore flaunting her sexy arms.

Oh, you foul, filthy women, why must you continue to oppress men with the power of your evil sexiness? I’ve been spending some time recently reading a tiny internet forum with big ambitions. “The CoAlpha Brotherhood,” the site’s Mission Statement notes, “is an attempt to abandon feminist society and collectively create an independent sub-culture based on patriarchal values.” High on the CoAlpha agenda: get women to stop dressing like such sexy, sexy sluts.

The head CoAlpha, a fellow calling himself Drealm, laments the situation he finds himself in as a man living “in a university town that’s overrun with young girls,” a man continually assaulted by the sight of women in clothing more revealing than a Burka:

As you can imagine, my university town, Berkeley California, is one big liberalized hypersexual runway show. I’m forced to stare at hundreds if not thousands of women a day, all of whom bring sluttiness to all new pinnacle.

He is forced — forced, I tells ya! — to stare at these women with lust in his heart, and presumably in his trousers as well. How unfair is that?

[T]he only time it’s enjoyable looking at promiscuously dressed women, is if you can have them on the spot. So if a woman is a hooker or a stripper, then it’s enjoyable to watch them. However, if a woman is completely unattainable, then it’s mentally and physically unpleasant to look at promiscuous women.

So, ladies, if you’re not going to put out, or at least give the poor fellow a free lap dance on the steps of Sproul Plaza, cover up.

Women, out of respect for men, should dress in a way that doesn’t excite men. A woman dressing provocatively and leaving a man in an unfinished state of excitement is the equivalent of a man dressing in such a way that causes a woman to have a sudden onset period. Simply put dressing provocatively and then suppressing male urges is an assault on men’s sexuality.

And if you assault a man like this, he might …

Ok, I’m going to pause for a second here, because at this point Drealm takes his “argument” in a really dark, if unfortunately not unprecedented direction.

Basically, he argues that if women “assault” him with excessively sexy clothing, he might not be able to control his urge to sexually assault them:

I cannot on a primal level get passed my sexual urges when looking at sluts. … [t]he only thing I want to do to a slut is rape them. …  If I extrapolate this observation to society, I think it’s easy to see why in a slut society women will be more prey to rape. … Simply put, dressing like sluts brings out murders, rapists and sadists in men. … A society based on sluts, might as well be a pro-rapist society.

Ladies, really, do you want to bring out the murders and rapists in men? Forget tight t-shirts and skinny jeans. Just say no to halter tops and short skirts. Think: what would I wear if I were Amish?

Seeing as Berkeley is also a multi-cultural haven, I sometimes have the pleasure of being startled by the sight of conservative muslim and Indian women. … The only thing I want to do is help them. Yet the only thing I want to do to a slut is rape them. These muslim and Indian women are very beautiful, so it’s not as though I’m not attracted to them. It’s just that dress codes in both sluts and modest women operate as agents for activating different hardwired impulses in my psyche.

And seriously, no man can be expected to actually curb his baser impulses to rape and murder ALL the time. They’re hardwired! So don’t set him off by wantonly exposing your arms and legs and perhaps even some of your even sexier parts. Dress as if the ozone layer has gone poof and every little bit of exposure to the sun will burn your flesh like steak on a grill.

[T]he point of modest clothing is to cover up anything that excites men. … to cut off all triggers that excite men. In my opinion this starts with skin coverage. The more a woman’s skin is covered, the less she excites men. This is why short skirts and low cut tops are antonyms of modesty.

Tight clothing is also very dangerous.

[C]lothing should not exaggerate a female’s body shapes. This is why I still think jeans can be immodest on women, because a tight pair of jeans will accentuate a woman’s legs and buttocks. High heels meet the same conflict as tight jeans, while they may not show extra skin, they accentuate a woman’s legs and buttocks.

And watch out with that evil, sexy hair of yours.

Uncovered hair isn’t as much an immodesty crime, but I still feel raw long hair can excite men. Long hair’s affect on men can be counteracted with a scarf or veil.

So what should a nice modest young gal do? Cover up. Cover everything up. Rent yourself a copy of Witness, and sew yourself some clothes that are really motherfucking Plain.

Or, I suppose, you could always crawl into a garbage bag and hop.

NOTE: This post contains sarcasm.