By David Futrelle
We’ve met them before, these mysterious and stinky straight men, who refuse to wipe or wash their asses because they’re afraid that doing so is somehow gay.
We don’t know how many of these men there are; indeed, the only reason we know about them is that their girlfriends and wives have taken to Reddit and elsewhere to tell the world about their horrific discoveries with regards to their significant others’ nether regions.
Yes, this means that at least some of these guys have girlfriends (!) and wives (!!), which adds a whole new layer to the horror.
One of these unfortunate women turned to Reddit’s Relationship_Advice subreddit today for help with her boyfriend, who not only refuses to wipe (and presumably also wash) his ass but who also thinks that touching, much less cleaning, his junk would also give him a case of teh gays.
Let’s hear her tale of woe.
“My (23F) boyfriend (24M) of almost a year doesn’t wash his genitals,” she began
Almost a YEAR and you’re just now discovering this?
So basically, he explained that he doesn’t touch himself there, ever, because it’s “gay”. Therefore he can’t clean the area specifically and just lets it get wet in the shower, that’s it.
Ewwwwww.
Other than this his hygiene is fine.
I question this judgement.
I only became aware of the issue when we started getting more intimate.
I guess True Love Waits, and then when it stops waiting it discovers an exceedingly gross dick.
Yes. You read it right: He thinks washing his penis would be gay. What the hell. In fact he thinks any touching of anything between his legs is gay. This was completely ridiculous and I started asking him what about masturbating? What about wiping after he poops??
If you have to ask, the answer isn’t going to be good.
Well it turns out, the reason he uses a bidet is so he won’t have to wipe. Using a bidet is not a problem to me, and I’ve never experienced a problem with his hygiene in that regard, but the fact he installs a bidet not out of cleanliness preference but to avoid “being gay” by wiping his OWN ASS is just…. I can’t believe that’s a real thing. I asked what about public toilets? He said he never poops anywhere besides his home so it’s not a problem. That’s bullshit, he’s pooped at mine. And I don’t have a bidet. So put two and two together.
What about before he had a bidet? What about when he travels? And since he presumably never washes between poopings, is his ass just poopy until he can return to his home base?
Then as for masturbating, he apparently doesn’t do that either! That’s also “gay.” What the hell. He admitted he used to masturbate when he was younger but it “he felt weird” doing it so he stopped. Uh… I’m not saying he’s required to jerk off or something, I don’t care, it’s again the insane reasoning behind it.
Hey, stinky dude, FYI, if you sit on your own hand until it goes numb, you could always just pretend it’s someone else’s hand.
Or maybe you could just use tongs?
Just trying to be helpful.
He says “any contact a guy has with the male ass or pubic areas is in a gay realm.” I said that makes absolutely no sense when it’s your own body. It’s not GAY to tend to your OWN self, gay involves OTHER people!
He’s also, presumably, got his own tongue in his mouth. Does that mean he’s French kissing himself all the time? That seems gay too. Cut out your tongue, stinky dick boy!
This even extends into our sex life. I found out the reason he didn’t want to try “doggy style” is because that’s a “gay position.” I’M NOT A DUDE, HOW IT IS GAY LMAO. Like this is so fucking ridiculous.
Hey fellas, is fucking your girlfriend gay?
This became an argument because I couldn’t help showing how I felt about this bullshit. Like, is every girl a lesbian now because we wipe after peeing?? And girls who use tampons? Where does his logic end? Of course, he thinks “that’s different” but can’t explain how.
I’m sure the idea that all women are secret lesbians is very titillating to him.
Well what about all the other men who do jerk off, are they all gay too? He said, “I’m just saying you’re dealing with a dick, it’s kind of a gay act.”
EVERYONE IS GAY EXCEPT ME
He got more mad at me the more I tried to reason with him. I just gave up eventually and we haven’t spoken much since, this was yesterday. I can’t talk to him if he’s going to be belligerent.
I really don’t think I can just get over this. Both how he refuses to properly clean himself and also that the way he thinks about it is so irrational. I know it sounds horrible to say this but I almost feel like I’ve lost some respect for him.
Almost!? Some!!??
Before now I always saw him as a very mature intelligent person. Now I’m questioning that but am not sure if it’s fair of me.
Oh it’s fair of you.
Has anyone else had a boyfriend with this issue before? Are there a lot of dudes who think like this? How do I get him to stop doubling down and understand why calling it gay makes no sense?
Somehow I doubt that someone who is happy to walk around with a poopy ass and stinky junk because it means he’s not gay is going to listen to reason.
TL;DR: My boyfriend won’t wash his genitals, among other things, because he believes touching his body there is “gay”. All he did when I pointed out how that doesn’t make any sense is get defensive. I had no clue he was this neurotic about intentionally neglecting his personal hygiene. Which is a problem for obvious reasons. What do you do when your partner persists in believing something crazy?
If it’s something like this, you RUN.
RUN, GIRL, RUN!
H/T — thanks to @Jennifer_deG, who tweeted about this
Send tips to dfutrelle at gmail dot com.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!
@Charolette
Ah, I see! Your motivations are much more clear to me. I understand where you are coming from. It is a natural thing to feel defensive when criticized, especially when you feel that others are forming an opinion of you that isn’t the way you wished to come across, and especially when you feel like many people are targeting you.
That said, I recommend a couple tips for getting along better on WHTM.
-If there is a particular section of a post that you take issue with, for the sake of clarity please quote the section or at least @ the person who’s been saying it. Saying “I don’t deserve this treatment!” in general implies that you disagree with everything that has been said to you.
-Listing off your axes of oppression in response to bring asked to correct your behavior isn’t a good look. If you wish to discuss your experiences, you are welcome to, but I recommend doing so when it doesn’t imply that people can’t criticize you because of your experiences.
-Apologies that come with caveats are generally not interpreted as apologies. There’s a saying that you can ignore anything that comes before a ‘but’. “I’m sorry, but…” is generally the sign of a not-pology, and it tends to raise hackles.
-Trolls and bad faith actors generally don’t apologize for their actions. Going “oh, damn, I didn’t realize the implications of what I posted. I’m sorry, I should have realized. I’ll do better in the future.” And then leaving it at that, to maybe post better things on other topics, will go a long way further toward convincing people of your good intentions than listing off your oppression credits.
That said, you did several good things with the apology too! Acknowledging what specifically was wrong about your actions and committing to doing better in the future is great! I do get the impression that you’re someone who is here in good faith but is just unfamiliar with the community norms. And that’s fine, we all need to learn new things. It’s too bad that you went through a bit of a trial by fire, but I think we can course correct without too much difficulty.
However, this bit?
Well, this blog may not be right for you if that’s your opinion. Mockery is the main purpose of this site and if you’re not about that, then you may be better off looking for a better philosophical fit. You’re not unwelcome here, but you’re also not likely to change the community’s view on mockery.
@dashapants
What part of “hey how about we don’t armchair diagnose strangers online with actual mental illnesses on the basis of a few paragraphs of text” was difficult for you to understand?
@Catalpa
Pretty difficult actually. If someone online was claiming that the earth is flat, and I suspected that they were sincere in this belief and obsessively taking actions or avoiding other actions as a result of that belief, while refusing to accept evidence and rational argument, I would not need to have a professional license to call that person delusional based on the available information about their actions. That, of course, would remain my opinion and not a clinical diagnosis of such a person.
It is also my opinion that to say that some people develop neuroses as a result of toxic belief is not the same as saying all people’s neuroses are underpinned by toxic beliefs or will result in toxic beliefs or that toxic beliefs should be excused because of any neuroses that they spawned.
Again, that is just like my opinion, man. Banhammer away if that’s how you roll.
Believe it or not, a backwards version of this theory (i.e., “touching yourself makes you gay”) appears to have been an accepted position in psychology until at least the 60s, as I’ve encountered it in several old pop-psy books from that time (no idea how widespread it was in academia or among practicing mental-health professionals at the time). By “backwards”, I mean cause & effect were reversed– touching yourself didn’t make you gay, but bring gay made you want to touch yourself! In this theory (cough), homosexuality was treated as an extreme form of narcissism, so extreme that a gay person really wants to have sex with themselves but as this is physically impossible, they settle for the “next best thing”– a same-sex partner! Yeah. It’s stuff like this that reminds you it wasn’t long before that shrinks were sticking icepicks info patients’ eye sockets to “cure” them…
Let’s not armchair diagnose here. Saying someone is delusional isn’t diagnosing, since “delusional” doesn’t necessarily imply mental illness. Saying that someone’s terrible ideas “gave them an OCD” is a diagnosis and is inappropriate.
I appreciate that, and honestly I think you’re right that it’s not a good fit for me at this time. Don’t get me wrong, the community here is absolutely rad, but not a good fit. Thanks everyone for having patience and making time for me! It may not seem like it but I truly have learned from you.
Fair enough. Best of luck on your journey, Charlotte!
And thanks, David.
“Almost” lost “some” respect? ALMOST?
I feel sorry for this girl that somehow her self-esteem is at a level that she thinks she is onto a good thing with this guy?
The poor hygiene, ridiculous homophobia etc. everything else about him would have to be beyond amazing for me to consider progressing. And to be honest I could not contemplate having sex with somebody with filthy genitals. Ew! (And I have been in a few situations where I just had to stop and get dressed when confronted with men who clearly had never washed their genitals since they were a child and their parents did it for them. To this day I remember the smell. *gags*)
Ok looking at the link somebody pondered whether he may have some kind of trauma in his past that is leading to this strange manner of viewing any contact with his genitals.
If that was the case then I feel a bit guilty for calling him simply gross…BUT seeing as how this kind of thing isn’t unheard of then this dude just sounds like your bog standard homophobe. And gross dude.
As someone who has ocd and paranoia I really dont appreciate that comment dasha
@Valentin, yeah, I recently found out my psych nurse practitioner has apparently added OCD to my list of diagnoses (I was applying for a disability-work-program thing and getting paperwork she’d filled out on my behalf together, and she’d listed it there, even though we haven’t discussed it in any sessions as far as I remember?), and…yeah. Agreed. That’s not how that works.
Also armchair diagnosis in general is kind of an ableist practice on its face. It presumes 1. that an outside observer can ever reliably know someone’s neurodiversity status/ability status as well as the ND person themselves can, and 2. that behaviors observed to be “weird” or troubling or bad must result from a diagnosis of some kind, which is stigmatizing.
And I also think referencing a specific condition (OCD, for example), is a different level from just observing a symptom, like “they seemed anxious today.”
Re: the article itself:
First thought: could it be that maybe they’re worried about prostate stimulation/have sensitive prostates? And either way believe (falsely) that receiving any kind of butt stuff makes one “gay”?
Either way I’ve got olfactory sensory sensitivities, I know how much yeast infections and UTIs suck, and tbh I don’t love the idea of engaging with body fluids anyway, so that’d be a huge NOPE from me. That relationship could not be saved.
Tbh, male-attracted people need to Lysistrata these men anyway, until they learn how to clean themselves.
(It does seem like maybe the guy in the r/Relationship_Advice post could use one of those detachable shower nozzels, where instead of needing to use a washcloth, you can just aim the stream of water and hose whatever areas you need to clean. It’s better than nothing. Since he uses a bidet, maybe he’s already considered this.)
Update: reading the reddit thread, it seems like a lot of people think it could be the result of prior sexual abuse, and while I don’t want to assume/armchair diagnose… if it’s that, then I’m going to feel really shitty about my whole reaction here.
This must amount to some kind of a body image distortion or something on the lines of such. Human brain is incredibly complex and thus can also be effed up in unimaginable ways. Feeling that certain body parts have their independent sexual identity apart from the rest of the system paired with homophobia might very well be a thing. In need of medical attention.