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How to become the Warren Buffett of ejaculation, according to some semen-retaining weirdo on Reddit

*makes jerkoff motion*

By David Futrelle

Today, some handy investment advice from … the semen retention subreddit?

You might wonder how exactly this particular subreddit — a harder-core version of the anti-masturbation NoFap subreddit devoted to the allegedly magical powers of not spilling your seed on the ground — could possibly offer any useful financial advice.

Well, take a gander at this posting from the front page of the subreddit today, in which someone called Semencollector5000 explains why not jerking it makes you the Warren Buffett of SEMEN POWER.

I look at SR the same way I look at my investment strategy. (self.Semenretention)

submitted 20 hours ago * by Semencollector5000

I'm a value investor.

I live by Warren Buffetts famous saying 'Money is what you pay and value is what you get.'

As I learnt about value investing I realized how paralell it is to semen retention.

When I ejaculate I sell off plenty of qualities (stocks) to get a big, short-term return. Intense pleasure.

What qualities am I selling off?

To name a few:

Energy

Time

Vigor

Courage

Confidence

And what do I get in return? Pleasure. Which to me, long-term, is absolutely nothing.

Value investors look for long-term investments.

Retaining semen is like storing money in stocks that are compounding over time, long term.

The longer my streak streak is the more incredible things happen to me. My life polishes itself in every regard, day by day.

The longer I hold my money in wonderful companies the bigger returns I get.

Well, that’s rather a lot to absorb. But as a former personal finance writer, let me point out one teensy weensy difference between jerking off your dick and selling stocks:

When you sell your stocks, you don’t have them any more.

When you ejaculate, your body just makes more semen. There’s basically an unlimited supply.

If stock investing were like jerking off, I’d sell my stocks every day, probably multiple times, until the markets closed. And then I’d wake up the next morning with a brand new portfolio of stocks to sell.

There’s really only one real way that the stock market is like jerking off: Day traders are huge jagoffs.

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impudentinfidel
impudentinfidel
1 year ago

Also, your portfolio doesn’t sell stocks on its own if you hold on to them too long.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

See Men Retention???

I don’ get it…???

so… a Federal court in Montana decides against Andrew Anglin in a lawsuit, but he ain’t there… the playground bully didn’t show up when his victim decided to fight back — and SHOCKED I AM!!!

… she was there, in the courtroom, and he was not. Anglin had said he feared for his safety if he appeared at the hearing as demanded by the judge.

(please pardon me if I think that is horse-shit… he didn’t show up because he’s a loser)

https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/12/us/montana-tanya-gersh-andrew-anglin-hearing-soh/index.html

Naglfar
Naglfar
1 year ago

Still not sure why these Semen Retention folks think that it’s making them any smarter or more creative, when they don’t seem very bright or inventive. Do they actually have any experiments or anything really to back up their ideas? I doubt it.

Jackson Ayres
Jackson Ayres
1 year ago

Why did you think Gandalf the White was called that?

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

@ Jackson Ayres

Aragorn: Who are you? Show yourself!
[The White Wizard steps out of the light revealing to be Gandalf]
Aragorn: It cannot be… you fell!
Gandalf: Through fire… and water… with lots of bleach…

that’s why….

varalys the dark
1 year ago

I once didn’t masturbate for 18 months. Didn’t turn me into a financial genius sadly.

But am wahman so that probably is the reason.

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

But what if you wake up one morning and find that you’ve, uh, divested your entire portfolio in your sleep? That can happen.

Jamesworkshop
Jamesworkshop
1 year ago

I doubt it’s very much but sperm banks must pay a reasonable rate compared to just dumping it into a sock.

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
1 year ago

Something something something liquid assets.

otrame
otrame
1 year ago

Hey, don’t be mean to these guys. I strongly support their goals.

Think of them as sacrificing to improve the human race. We should encourage that.

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Jamesworkshop

I doubt it’s very much but sperm banks must pay a reasonable rate compared to just dumping it into a sock.

It’s not a bad rate, but they won’t pay for sperm from just any jagoff. You have to be reasonably healthy, nonsmoker (cannabis or tobacco), helps a lot to have a college degree (I know, but I’m not the one setting policies here.), I forget whatall else.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

These aren’t stocks. They’re junk bonds.

Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
Mabret (née Laugher at Bigots)
1 year ago

Liquid fucking gold…

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
1 year ago

I forget where I happened to read this, but there’s some evidence that retaining semen for a long period of time could cause prostate problems in some men.

I’ve also read that, if impregnating a woman is your goal, fresh, newly-manufactured semen is your best bet, rather than stuff that’s been held in reserve for awhile.

Other than that, I can’t speak of the pros and cons of the semen retention movement, as I don’t have the anatomy.

@Weird Eddie:

Doesn’t surprise me in the least, about our buddy Andrew. I used to have a tiny, tiny bit of pity for him, because I believed his self-hatred was immense, and that was the wellspring of his racism and misogyny. That’s a hell of a way to go through life. Not anymore.

epitome of incomprehensibility

How to become the Warren Buffett of ejaculation

That is not a phrase I ever expected to read 😛

That said, I have a question about investment and environmental ethics if anyone’s interested (it’s a bit, uh, dryer, than the page topic).

I have an investment account with around $5,500. I started it with $5,050 last year, so that part is good.

The problem is, I took a look through the list of companies the bank invests in (it’s mutual funds, I think, so they have a little bit of everything) and maybe 3-5% is with oil companies – Enbridge and the like. I don’t really want to support them.

I know it’s not a big amount of money, certainly not by the companies’ standards, but should I look into ways to invest without supporting big polluters? Universities and non-profits are divesting from fossil fuels, but how easy is it for a person to do that? a person who doesn’t really have the time/inclination to trade stocks and keep track of a portfolio herself?

Does anyone know of any banks who offer “green” investing options or am I being hopelessly naive?

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
1 year ago

Semencollector5000 says pleasure is “absolutely nothing” to him.

That’s because he’s in a death cult.

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
1 year ago

@epitome

I’m based in the UK, so haven’t the faintest clue about what’s available in the US (assuming, given the dollar reference, that’s where you are). I suggest a google session with “ethical investment” or “socially responsible investment” in the US or your state. Different organisations will have different criteria, so have a good read of their literature.

HTH

Shadowplay
1 year ago

some evidence that retaining semen for a long period of time could cause prostate problems

At the risk of a TMI, my GP insisted that were the case. Kept going on about it every damned check-up once I hit 45.

Thankfully, she’s retired now (well, technically she WAS retired – it were a choice of retire or be struck off for various bits of doctorly misconduct). New doc hasn’t even heard of it.

Seraph4377
Seraph4377
1 year ago

@ epitome

You should be able to talk to someone at your investment agency and ask them not to invest in certain types of stocks with your account. I’ve seen a number of account application forms that include “Are there any stocks we shouldn’t invest in?” as a question. The investment agent will probably ask if you want to divest from your existing oil stocks and warn you that it will be harder for your account to make a profit if you limit its investment options. If you’re cool with that, they should implement your new rules with no further trouble. It’s your account, after all, you just pay them to administer it.

If your agency doesn’t have that as an option, there are definitely those that do.

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

I forget where I happened to read this, but there’s some evidence that retaining semen for a long period of time could cause prostate problems in some men.

I’ve also read that, if impregnating a woman is your goal, fresh, newly-manufactured semen is your best bet, rather than stuff that’s been held in reserve for awhile.

Also, IIRC, regular stimulation for erection and ejaculation has some use in maintaining erectile function.

In other words: If you don’t liquidate your assets, their value can suffer from inflation, your marketing channel may be affected by deflation and your longterm corporate viability may be compromised.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
1 year ago

OFF-TOPIC: Fucking hell, some incel asshole just murdered a girl he’d been stalking.

https://twitter.com/stillgray/status/1150628706878029824?s=19&fbclid=IwAR3u1qYsu_uCEhFQbZtlkx5pTNZlfSll_w0bi_YSknFBgzeZn9kOKPDHwXc

To make matters worse, some other incel asshole took pictures of himself, apparently masturbating to pictures of her corpse, and sent them to her grieving mother. Incels need to be categorized as a terrorist group and be dealt as such.

footprints in wet clay
footprints in wet clay
1 year ago

Diego I saw that news too…. horrified. I can’t even bring myself to look for more info on it nor even look at the incel sites for laughs because I know they’re celebrating a new saint of incelhood, and I don’t want to see the photos…

I’m hoping this will be the kick in the pants that the government needs to deal with incels as the serious terrorist threat they are.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

@ Diego:

I’m just runnin’ out of hope… really fast.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

@ footprints:

I really don’t think the present administration is interested in dealing with ANYTHING, except that which will gin up more fear in the bigot base.

the people who call themselves “incel” seem to be very much angry white men who hate women… y’know, just like the man currently squatting in the white house.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
1 year ago

@Weird

I hope to run out of bullets really fast, if I ever find these people.

The problem is graver than a lot of people realize: Trump was “joking” about staying beyond two terms, and I don’t think his Trumpanzees would deny him a third illegal term, or even a fourth.

They are just getting more and more bold, and instead of being fought Trump is empowering them (remember how he closed down the division of DHS dedicated to investigating Far Right groups?).

People need to organize, because these assholes are not going to regain their decency on their own. Either you bury them under an avalanche of votes, and make sure you stamp them out by outlawing Hate Speech; or you will have to fight them in an open war later on, once they decide the time is ripe for another kristallnacht or “Night of the Long Knives”.

Shadowplay
1 year ago

Just to make today’s shit sandwich complete:

Trump administration ‘rolling back women’s rights by 50 years’ by changing definitions of domestic violence and sexual assault

Note: The Independent is cautious to a fault when it comes to running stories. So yeah – it’s real.

solecism
solecism
1 year ago

@Shadowplay

Thanks for sharing that. The news needs to get out. I hadn’t been aware of it.

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
1 year ago

@Shadowplay

Nancy Pelosi needs to get her shit together and impeach him NOW. She feels so brave going after women of color, but will do her absolute best to continue to let him run the country into the ground, unimpeded.

Dalillama
Dalillama
1 year ago

@Diego Duarte
That is, quite simply, because Pelosi has far more in common with Trump than with Congresswomen Ocaisio-Cortez, Tlaib, Omar, and Pressley. She is a conservative white supremacist. Not neccesarily a genocidal eliminationist like the Republicans, just someone who’s comfort zone is a country where rich white people call the shots, everyone else knows their place, and nobody upsets the status quo.

Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
Surplus to Requirements, Observer of the Vast Blight-Wing Enstupidation
1 year ago

That does it.

150 million women need to down their tools and march into the streets, simultaneously. That will get their attention, believe you me.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Oh, but Pelosi is drafting a resolution to condemn Trump’s racist tantrum. That’s just as good as impeachment, right?

* smashes head against a brick wall *

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

@ Dalillama:

someone who’s comfort zone is a country where rich white people call the shots, everyone else knows their place, and nobody upsets the status quo.

well put

@ Surplus:

150 million women need to down their tools and march into the streets, simultaneously. That will get their attention, believe you me.

and hurry

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
1 year ago

@Dalillama

As usual not a single lie in what you said. Pelosi has been deliberately going out of her way to condemn, belittle, criticize and humiliate AOC, Ilhan Omar, Tlaib and Pressley. On the other hand, her reluctance to stand up to Trump, in any meaningful way, has empowered him to behave more “boldly” if you will.

He was scared shitless because he knew very well he could get impeached, but as soon as Nancy handed him that free “Get out of jail card”, he’s been acting as if he is untouchable.

Pelosi wants us to believe it’s because there is no chance of impeaching him, and because this would rally up his base for 2020, but that’s not true. In fact, NOT impeaching him is strenghtening his support and weakening democrat prospects for 2020, with a base that is not energized to vote on anything because they feel hopeless.

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
1 year ago

@ Diego

I hope to run out of bullets really fast, if I ever find these people.

I know the conversation has moved on, but please don’t. Refresh your knowledge of the comments policy if you’re not sure what I’m saying.

Thanks.

Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
Weird (and tired of trumplings) Eddie
1 year ago

@ Diego, Weatherwax:

Thank you, Weatherwax, I wanted to address this, too, but in a different way. One of my concerns is that there’s going to be large-scale violence before the 2020 election, and it’s scary as hell. I don’t think that’s a joking matter….

Diego Duarte
Diego Duarte
1 year ago

Sorry, about that. I often forget about that particular policy, and these people get me in the foulests of moods.

ribblefizz
ribblefizz
1 year ago

Off-off-topic:
@Shadowplay, you might want to look around for a new new doc, if your new doc is unaware of the benefits of regular ejaculation for prostate health. It’s been documented for over 15 years.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer

epitome of incomprehensibility

@Weatherwax, @Seraph4377 – Thanks! I think I’ll bring it up with someone at the bank (after my students’ big test is done this week – *crosses fingers that they pass*). If they say they can’t do anything, I might look for other options.

Oh, also, I’m in Canada. Canadian dollars are a different currency than US ones (though they stay pretty close in value) but same name and $ symbol.

@ribblefizz – Oh, I thought “New doc hasn’t even heard of it” was referring to the problem, and the point was to say “Nudge nudge wink wink, I have more sex now” 😛

Reminds me of one of my tutoring students who came in yawning and said sorry for being tired, it’s just she had to pick up her husband from the airport last night. But she kind of winked as she said it. I’d known her for about a year, and that her husband had been out of the country for weeks, so…same idea.

Later it occurred to me that it’d be a very odd euphemism – “Hey, I was totally picking Bob up from the airport last night.” 😛 I am a silly person sometimes.