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Great news, incels! The SW-3701 Automatic Semen Collector Instrument will agree to have sex with you

Ok, I added the eyes, and the cats, and the hearts, and everything else that isn’t the Semen Collector or the guy demonstrating it

By David Futrelle

Incels, and quite a few of their misogynistic brethren in the MGTOW and Men’s Rights movements, are more than a little obsessed with what they see as the impending arrival of super-realistic sexbots that, these guys think, will make women obsolete, because in their minds all that women are good for is sex anyway.

So hard to understand why they can’t get laid!

Well, I have some good news for them — and perhaps even more importantly, for the actual human women that these guys continue to pester for sex while they wait for the sexbot utopia.

The technology is already available for dudes who would like to enjoy some of the sensations of real bump-and-grind sex with women without any women being there. The Chinese company Sanwe has rolled out (literally, it has wheels on it) something called the SW-3701 Trolley Type Sperm Collector/ Automatic Semen Collector/ Premature Ejaculation Instrument, and it could well turn out to be the girl of many an incel’s dreams.

The SW-3701 — let’s call her Swanna, which is a real if somewhat uncommon female name, honest — is a medical device designed to extract and collect semen samples, to put it a little euphemistically, from guys too shy to jerk off in a doctor’s office. She’s been around for a few years, but I only learned of her after videos of her in action kind of blew up on Twitter a couple of days ago.

Clearly this device could have, er, non-medical uses.

Now, Swanna may not be much to look at — she’s not what you’d call a Stacey, and indeed the only indication she’s even a she is the pink coloring.

But as the second video there makes clear she seems to have some some mad skills that make her far more than just a glorified Fleshlight that moves back and forth by itself. Could be a fun little romp for all the penis-havers now living in lonelytown — or at least for those not too terrified by the mysterious red glow or the weird tentacle-mouth-anus-thing up in there.

I’ve been perusing some of the documentation and promotional material for this unique device, and I have much to report.

Here are some of Swanna’s main features, as described on its her product page on Alibaba, where you can purchase it her for the low, low price of $4,999.

(1)The device can simulate the environment of women’s vagina which makes the patient feel comfortable in the process of collecting semen.

(2)Provide a full range of visual, auditory and olfaction stimulation

Basically, it plays porn on the little screen on top; presumably the headphones are for the porn as well.

But, er, olfaction? What exactly does an Automatic Semen Collection Instrument (Trolley Type) smell like? Flowers? Vagina? Chanel No. 5? Cheetos?

(3)Exclusive semen-collection sheath can eliminate contamination of semen

(4)All-round isolation measures to prevent cross-infection

Basically, the user attaches what is essentially the Automatic Semen Collecter version of a female condom on Swanna’s pink tube, and also wears a condom himself, to keep from getting Swanna’s insides all gunked (and spunked) up.

(5)All-round air bags make semen-collection true experience.

I have no idea what that means, except that maybe the air bags are what make those tentacle things on the inside of Swanna’s tube move?

(6)Good human-machine interface and easy to operate

I would hope this would be the case for every device that someone is sticking their dick in.

According to the product page, the device serves several “therapeutic functions,” including, of course, semen collection.

It can simulate vaginal environment, and through massage, twitching, sucking, vibration, etc., act upon the human penis, which can make semen collection be fast and safe.

Despite her apparent ability to collect semen “fast,” with all that sucking and twitching and whatnot, Swanna can also, apparently, help penis-havers who are maybe too quick to give up their semen.

Premature ejaculation desensitization training

The strong currents impact and rub the glans penis repeatedly in order to reduce the excitability of nerve endings so as to passivate the nerve of glans penis, sulcus coronarius, and the surface of the penis, and regulate the sex nerve center in order to minimize nerve sensitivity, improve ejaculatory threshold to treat premature ejaculation.

So our dear Swanna apparently has a special mode where she … beats the crap out of any penis in her tube until it’s too numb to feel?

Definitely check with your doctor before trying that out.

If all this sounds a bit clinical and maybe even a little scary, perhaps this promotional video with soothing music will put you at ease. It’s not in English (obviously) but I think you can probably follow along pretty well regardless.

In case you didn’t actually watch all that, here are a few highlights.

The machine apparently comes equipped with incel-ready porn.

Also, and alongside the mysterious red light this may be my favorite thing about the device: You start Swanna up by pressing on her big pink button, conveniently located above her, er, opening.

This may be as close as some incels ever come to touching a clit, and happily it is designed to be a little easier for them to find.

So close!

Note to incels: With actual human vagina-havers, the pink button is located a lot closer to the opening. And you have to do a bit more than just press it once for your partner to become fully turned on.

Swanna, unlike human women, also comes with a user’s manual, with many interesting features. For example, it contains these extremely sexy instructions to getting down with Lady SW.

1) Adjusting the sperm barrel height into a appropriate position.

This is also an important step when having sex with fellow humans.

2) Watch DVD disc before using it. (DVD discs are on the rear LCD screen. In the shutdown case, just gently push up to replace the LCD screen discs)

With humans, this is optional, though sometime’s it’s nice to watch a movie together first. Or at least the first ten minutes of it.

3) Users stand wearing a condom on the penis before using, with a little human lubricant on the condom.

Definitely use a lubricant specifically for humans. I cannot stress this enough. If the lubricant is glowing, and the box has a 5-dimensional hologram of a space alien on it, set it down immediately, before the quantum entanglement effects kick in.

4) Put the penis into sperm tube, turn on the switch of the master power supply, and adjust the pressure regulator knob to the appropriate massage efforts and then begin to massage the penis.

Exactly like in human sex.

5) After the penile erection, turn on the speed adjustment knob, which can change motion speed.

Again, just like in human sex. Not complicated at all.

6) For some time, after the completion of successfully fetching sperm, please turn off the speed adjustment knob and the master switch.

You may also wish to smoke a cigarette, though if you’re using this in your doctor’s office that’s probably not a good idea.

One troubleshooting tip: if you get a little too, er, passionate during the penis insertion portion of the robot sex, you and the machine may need to take a little breather. As the manual explains:

Because the improper improper improper improper forcibly forcibly forcibly forcibly of the user, the Instruments Instruments Instruments Instruments with power-off power-off power-off power-off protection. protection. protection. protection. The device can recovery recovery recovery recovery by itself about 2 minutes. minutes. minutes. minutes. Please don’t operate operate operate operate or touch the machine machine machine machine in the period of power-off power-off power-off power-off protection. protection. protection. protection. If the device can’t recovery recovery recovery recovery in 2 minutes, minutes, minutes, minutes, please restart restart restart restart it.

I’m not exactly sure what happened there. I cut and pasted directly from the manual, which didn’t contain the extra words. I will assume that this is an important secret message from the robot world and leave the extra words in.

Anyway, if anyone else has a date with Swanna after you, you need to make sure that either you or your doctor cleans up the disgusting mess you left behind. And cast that fucking shit OUT.

Avoid overlapping infection, each user has a set of tube and tube cover when they are inspected. The tube and tube cover are disposable consumables, we can’t throw them into the dustbin directly, we should cast away them after destroing them.

Then there’s this unsettling instruction:

Please purchase the consumers from our company.

I don’t even want to know what that’s about.

Speaking of confusing, if any of the other instructions seem a bit unclear to you, there is also a helpful flow chart, though honestly it raises as many questions as it answers.

The interrogation portion sounds kind of hot, though.

Definitely “clear up the things.” Clear up ALL THE THINGS.

I think I’ve covered all the important points here.

Incels, this is your future. Enjoy it! I now pronounce you man and waifu.

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Lizuka
1 year ago

Honestly the name Swanna being thrown around so much is just making me picture people having sex with the Pokemon and it’s really creepy.

Though probably not as much as the usual fare with these guys I guess.

Catalpa
Catalpa
1 year ago

(6)Good human-machine interface and easy to operate

I would hope this would be the case for every device that someone is sticking their dick in.

Instructions unclear: dick stuck in toaster.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
1 year ago

Well this is going to help quite a few people.

Bina
1 year ago

I suppose a Fleshlight is out of the question?

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
1 year ago

@David

This is without a doubt the funniest article you’ve published in a while, in that it’s not laugh-so-you-don’t-cry/break down in despair/go hide in a cave forever. Thanks for the relief!

rv97
rv97
1 year ago

What if I, as a dude to them, believed that men will be or are obsolete?

MurderyCommunistWitch
MurderyCommunistWitch
1 year ago

Anyone else think that second video from AngryManTV would be way better with a 70s porn soundtrack?

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

First they see women as mobile sperm collectors (great band name), then they wonder why women don’t want to be their girlfriends.

I think I can speak for most men when I say that if I *COULD* get the brainless submissive supermodel wife they seem to want, I wouldn’t. Living with her would become boring and pointless very soon, quite apart from all moral and legal problems with this scenario.

My life experience tells me that looks, income, and even penis / breast size *do* matter in relationships… BUT they don’t matter THAT much, and are much less important than character and compatibility.

Just look at the “happy” married life of most super-rich and super-attractive Hollywood stars, for example.

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

>>> Adjusting the sperm barrel height into a appropriate position. This is also an important step when having sex with fellow humans.

You don’t say.

anonymous
anonymous
1 year ago

We need evil engineers to get sex robots to sense if their owner is an incel and then refuse to have sex with them.

– “Open the bay doors, Hal.”
– “I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that”.

Meat Glacier
Meat Glacier
1 year ago

It’s like if an Alexa was designed by Roosh.

J
J
1 year ago

Honestly, the part that I think would, er, turn incels off isn’t the fact that she’s a robot, but that they’re supposed to wear condoms.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
1 year ago

Shooting Rope to Waluigi never felt so good =.)

Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
Lumipuna (nee Arctic Ape)
1 year ago

With actual human vagina-havers, the pink button is located a lot closer to the opening. And you have to do a bit more than just press it once for your partner to become fully turned on.

I understand it’s basically like starting a lawnmower. First, press the button several times slowly to prime the engine. Then, give a good yank on the tampon cord.

Now, she’s ready to eat salad.

contrapangloss
contrapangloss
1 year ago

@anonymous:

“A compatibility error has been detected; please try again never.”

Pie
Pie
1 year ago

The Venus 2000, by the same people who make the Sybian, does a pretty similar job, is much cheaper and has been available for years. I guess the mistake they made was neglecting the olfactory stimulation market.

Gijoel
Gijoel
1 year ago

Truly we live in a golden age of MGOTW. /s

occasional reader
occasional reader
1 year ago

I suppose incels and the like are going to add a J between the S and W, just for the “pleasure” to say “I fuck a SJW” ?

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
1 year ago

The machine looks a little scary. I’m not at all sure I’d want to stick a body part inside a machine that glows red and undulates.

EverythingIsRidiculous
EverythingIsRidiculous
1 year ago

I don’t think ‘olfactory’ was the word they wanted. Unless smell-o-vision porn is a thing. As to what word they did want, who knows.

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

Kat –

men *love* sticking body parts into things that glow red and undulate, preferably *because* of that body part.

Lumipuna –

I know someone who more or less did just that, only with a string of love beads, not a tampon. In his innocence (a relative term, obviously) he thought that was what he was *supposed* to do.

Pie –

Now I can’t stop thinking what will happen if someone sticks the sybian inside the Venus 2000.

MsEdgyNation
MsEdgyNation
1 year ago

Maybe “olfaction” is an unfortunate portmanteau of “oral satisfaction”? Who knows? I just enjoyed the chuckles from this post.

Cindy
Cindy
1 year ago

@anonymous

I’m imagining that, a prospective buyer would have to take a lie detector test where they’re asked if they are a virgin.

If they turn out to be one, they’re still allowed to purchase their sexbot. It will, however, be equipped with a pair of razor-sharp blades.

Snip snip! 😈

kobun37
kobun37
1 year ago

It bears a disturbing resemblance to the turret robots from Portal.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

If the device can’t recovery recovery recovery recovery in 2 minutes, minutes, minutes, minutes, please restart restart restart restart it.

I read this in the Monster Truck commercial voice. Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAYYYYY!

(We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’re only gonna need the edgggggge…..)

contrapangloss
contrapangloss
1 year ago

Um, Cindy:

There’s a lot of virgins (of both sexes) who aren’t incel. And may or may not be comfortable admitting they are in fact virgins.

Just like there are a lot of folks who have had sex but may not want to admit it because of personal reasons.

I’m really not cool with that particular joke you made. It’s one thing to have an imaginary incel detector leading to snarky refusals, because robots are people too (sometimes).

But mutilation for an unrelated lifestyle choice goes too far.

Shadowplay
1 year ago

Terrific. They’ve discovered milking machines.

Katamount
Katamount
1 year ago

One look at this thing and all I can think of is… the Crushinator.

comment image

Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
Rhuu - apparently an illiterati
1 year ago

@Cindy – wtf. No virgin shaming here! There are many reasons someone might not have had sex yet, and none of those equal freakin’ mutilation.

Please, just no.

Tripoli
Tripoli
1 year ago

@Cindy:

w h y

cornychips
cornychips
1 year ago

TMI WARNING

During a single, lonely time in my life, I actually bought a sybian. I bought lots of expensive sex toys. Thank you, HeyEpiphora!

If I had a penis and 5k to waste……I dunno, I might buy something like this. I guess it would take up a lot of floor space; where do you stash something like that? I asked my bf if, in the most ideal scenario, would he want this; he said no.

When I bought my sybian, they sent an out of date commercial DVD for both the Sybian and Venus 2000. The ads were so different in tone; it was HILARIOUS.

Sybian ad: for women. soft music. literal pink lighting. soft focus. total soft core porn feel. some chick starts riding it with the windows open and curtain billowing in the soft breeze. “dont’ worry, gents, when your lady is on the sybian she thinking about YOU.” still advertises for fragile man fee-fees.

Venus 2000: THE VENUS 2000 TAKES SUCKING YOUR DICK TO NEW EXTREME. LOOK HOW MANLY YOU ARE BY TAKING CONTROL AND GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED IN THE SHOWER. MEN DICK RAWR MEN PUSSY RAWR MEN – it also shows in detail how it sucks dick and actually looked scary for your penis.

Should NOT have thrown out that DVD.

Nowherepants
Nowherepants
1 year ago

Today’s news in science makes all of this irrelevant.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

No, wait, this? https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/10/science/black-hole-picture.html

Black hole is a bit of a misnomer, though. They’re not actually holes, so incels could not just sub them for this machine. 😉

Juniper
Juniper
1 year ago

Well, over the past couple of years my husband and I have gone through the ordeal that is infertility treatment. On the sperm-producing partner’s end of things that involves a lot of jacking off at the doctor’s office, which hubby did NOT enjoy.

He said they had a special room for him to do the job in with a leather recliner and some porn mags. He said he was really grossed out by the thought of sitting in that chair that many other dudes had “produced samples” in before.

So I guess that makes us the real target demographic of this device. Now I really want to show him this and see if he would have preferred getting fellated by a robot instead. I’m genuinely curious.

Kevin
Kevin
1 year ago

@ Nowherepants, Kupo

That ‘Cthulu beast’ reminds me of Audrey for some reason. For today’s big science story I’d go with the black hole though. Now I know why BBC4 is dedicating an evening’s broadcasting to the subject.

kupo
kupo
1 year ago

@Kevin
This Audrey?
comment image

Kevin
Kevin
1 year ago

@ Kupo

Bingo !

TheKND
TheKND
1 year ago

You know what? I’d give it a spin just out of curiosity…

Moggie
Moggie
1 year ago

1950: In the future, we will have a Mars colony! Flying cars! Hypersonic planes!
2019: Chinese spunk robot.

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

@Moggie: Dibs on “Chinese Spunk Robot” for my next hardcore electronica/ industrial music project 😜

Hexum7
Hexum7
1 year ago

but…but….can it make sammiches?

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

@Hexum7:

but…but….can it make sammiches?

How about this? Enter discount code AVFM at checkout and we’ll throw in a free panini press! Special offer! This week only!¹

¹ A lie

Cat Mara
Cat Mara
1 year ago

OT: Possibly of interest to readers here, the latest episode of the “I Don’t Speak German” podcast is up dealing with the concept of the “red pill”, at least in its alt-right form (though they touch on its origins in the manosphere). Well worth a listen. Next week’s episode promises to be a doozy too as it’s on everyone’s favourite (sic) philosopher cult leader wannabe, Stefan Molyneux! I guess I should start making popcorn now to ensure I am sufficiently provisioned by then…

Hambeast
Hambeast
1 year ago

rv97 said

What if I, as a dude to them, believed that men will be or are obsolete?

Why not enjoy yourself in the meantime?

Scanisaurus
Scanisaurus
1 year ago

@Shadowplay

Terrific. They’ve discovered milking machines.

When I first saw this headline the literally first thing that popped into my head was an old joke about a farmhand trying out a machine meant for dairy cows on himself.

Rabid Rabbit
Rabid Rabbit
1 year ago

In other incel news, the head of Canada’s spy agency has openly rated white nationalism as a threat to Canadian security, and singled out incels as part of that.

“We are seeing people using the methods of the terrorists to cause harm, and here I refer to the attack in Toronto by someone invoking the philosophy of the involuntary celibates,” said Vigneault in a rare public appearance.

Of course, a Conservative senator started frothing at the mouth at the idea that white nationalism was a threat, and the Cons are accusing the Liberals of only bringing it up to divide Canadians and score political points. Sigh.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/csis-right-wing-white-supremacy-1.5092304

Jenora Feuer
Jenora Feuer
1 year ago

In related Canadian news, Faith Goldy was smugly back on Facebook only a day after being banned:

Faith Goldy, the Canadian Nationalist Front, Wolves of Odin, and Canadian Infidels were all banned Monday but more than 24 hours later BuzzFeed News and the Toronto Star found pages, groups, and Instagram accounts using similar names and posting similar content that had been on the banned accounts. After asking Facebook for comment, they were all taken down.

Meanwhile, a new account was opened under Goldy’s name, and the account purchased an ad on Facebook promoting her personal website.

When climate change activist Lee Hunter noticed the ad Tuesday morning, he reported it to Facebook. Hunter received a reply stating the advertisement did not violate the company’s policy, and posted it to Twitter. Goldy later tweeted screenshots of Hunter’s exchange with Facebook, adding a smirking face emoji.

https://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2019/04/09/after-facebook-banned-faith-goldy-and-hate-groups-accounts-and-ads-in-their-name-remained.html

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
1 year ago

So this would be a femoidoid, then.

Hippodameia
Hippodameia
1 year ago

The cthulhu sea cucumber is pretty cool.