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Quoth the friendzoned, f**king whore: Edgar Allan Bro takes on a Nice Guy with an ax

Careful with that ax, Eugene

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I‘m not sure who drew the cartoon above, depicting the travails of a long-suffering “nice guy” as he tries to break down the emotional wall put up by a woman he has a crush on an obsession with.

It’s been floating around the internet for a while; on Twitter it’s been accompanied with the mocking caption: “A rare picture depicting the day to day life of our brothers in the friend zone.”

I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is. The pastel colors and delicate lines don’t save it from its inherent creepiness; if anything, they make it worse. Why is this dude so determined to tear down the wall his unfortunate crush is working so hard to construct? What’s he going to do once he breaks through, murder her with his love ax?

That last question isn’t even a joke, really.

Earlier this month, the cartoon was posted on the awesome blog A Good Cartoon, an ongoing catalog of cartoons that are not actually good at all, where it got the epic takedown it deserved.

One commenter asked:

how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim

Another added:

I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*

But it was someone called Digital Discipline who offered the ultimate retort, in the form of a poem (“The Craven”) by Edgar Allan Bro:

Incessantly, I heard a smacking,
as of some entitled dipshit whacking,
whacking on my chamber door.

Resignedly, I placed another layer,
voicing a quiet, repeated prayer,
“This dude thinks he’s a player,
but I am not a point to score,
he should f*ck off and bother me no more.”

Quoth the friendzoned, “F*cking wh*re.”

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

H/T — @catmara73

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Kat
Kat
3 years ago

This is the first time I’ve seen this awful, chillingly tone-deaf cartoon.

Dude! Leave her alone!

Or, as is said frequently in films set in the Wild West,

The lady said no.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
3 years ago

Or, as is said frequently in films set in the Wild West,

The lady said no.

And it’s always the best line in the film.

Although, I’m not sure, but I think the comic was originally denouncing that kind of attitude ? I mean I can’t imagine anyone drawing this with the intent to defend the Nice Guy stance. That’d be so much of an own goal that… that it’d actually make a lot of sense, considering that manurespherians do that on a regular basis.

Right. Sometimes I forget that they’re as bad at self-awareness as they are at logic, except when they’re self-aware in pure stopped-clock fashion.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ sinkable john

Hey, remember Icarus, right ? Even the ancient Greeks figured out that glue+wings is a bad idea, and they didn’t even have planes !

The Icarus story has always intrigued me. I know it’s generally regarded as a little morality tale about the dangers of hubris, but what is often forgotten that Icarus wasn’t just warned about flying too high; he was also warned about flying too low in case the moisture from the sea made the wings too heavy. That seems more like a real world engineering issue than a warning about getting ideas above your station or letting things go to your head.

Daedalus (Icarus’ dad) was famed as an engineer. Some early writers suggested that what actually happened was he was one of the first people to develop sails for ships and it was actually just a drowning accident. That suggests though that he was experimenting with aerodynamic surfaces and their interface with the air. So maybe he was like an early Da Vinci and did mess around with heavier than air flight?

I’m not necessarily suggesting this was the first hang-gliding fatality; but it’s an intriguing thought.

Christina Nordlander
Christina Nordlander
3 years ago

@Ooglyboggles: You’re right! The girl is a good Imperial Fist and she’s fortifying.

@Sinkable John: What, I can’t even fathom that anyone would think that was a good way to treat someone with depression in this day and age. I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that.

I’ve suffered from depression myself, but I have no good advice (other than getting help from someone who knows what they’re doing). Remember that the depression isn’t your fault, it’s just a disease. (You obviously know that, but it can be hard to grasp emotionally.) And stay well fed and exercised.

Also, word to what everyone has said about the “friendzone” and how fiction portrays romance as some sort of God-given right to the Nice Guy protagonist. I loved Futurama, but as the seasons went by, it seemed to slide more and more into that…

(For the record, on first sight I immediately saw the boy as the bad guy in the picture. I mean, he’s destroying something she’s clearly put a lot of effort into building.)

Kat
Kat
3 years ago

PostEverything
If we took ‘Gamergate’ harassment seriously, ‘Pizzagate’ might never have happened

When Internet conspiracy theorists went after women, the tech world mostly ignored it.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/12/14/if-we-took-gamergate-harassment-seriously-pizzagate-might-never-have-happened/?tid=pm_opinions_pop&utm_term=.c40c260ea5ad

Errapel
Errapel
3 years ago

I first saw this on facebook being passed around as a ‘touching’ reflection of what it’s like for a guy to try to ‘break through the wall she put up because some other jerk hurt her’. Ok, cool, but it doesn’t look like he’s asked. It doesn’t look like he’s working with her to take down the wall at her own pace. No, he’s just chopping through it determined to reach her, as if that wall had no purpose.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is

He also doesn’t know anything about bricklaying. That wall hasn’t been bonded; so it will probably just fall down anyway.

DL
DL
3 years ago

I don’t even understand how that picture could be in the defense of the guy with the ax. There’s a reason why she’s building that wall and it’s probably the person trying to tear it down.

RosieLa
RosieLa
3 years ago

I see the cartoon in a complete opposite fashion – from her perspective, in another way.
Look at the endless emotional labour she has to put in to this. She has to keep building, brick by brick. I bet that she’d rather be doing anything else with her life, rather than endlessly laying bricks. She deserves people to come and help her build that wall so that she can get to the whole entire rest of her life.

I’ve been in that relationship.

Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
3 years ago

@Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

Nice pic. Mabel kinda looks a bit older in it.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@Sinkable John

First and foremost: wtf France mental health system. That’s unfortunately all I can muster before breakfast.

Second, ib&b=Introduction to Brain and Behavior.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
3 years ago

@Troubelle

Just got up as well. Hm, I suppose an introduction wouldn’t cover another country’s shortcomings when it comes to treating mental illness ? I dunno ._.

It’s a pretty nonpartisan issue though. And by that I mean that it’s not an issue at all for either the right or the left. Go figure…

So yeah, we’re supposed to be much more progressive than you and all, but honestly I think we really just have a different economical context that happens to be a bit less of a gigantic, fast-spinning capitalist machine like you guys have. Not for lack of trying though… Also we only have the one government, which makes things like marriage rights EZ-PZ. Yeah, that battle took us ages anyway, because we’ve got our very own version of filibustering and there were ridiculous amounts of that in 2013. Much stronger separation of church and state doesn’t hurt either : our religious right ain’t exactly taken seriously, even though it’s slightly more sensible (or, and that’s more likely, passes as such) than yours.

But some issues get swept under the rug pretty quickly. Suicide being a good example. The rate is much lower here, because we don’t have easy access to guns, but the issue is also much less visible and therefore easier to ignore.

@Alan

That seems more like a real world engineering issue than a warning about getting ideas above your station or letting things go to your head.

What about mingling with those mere mortals that are below your station ? It’s been a long time since I’ve had those Greek classes (I’m a pretty smart person and I learned all the best words) but I seem to remember reading quite a bit about ancient Greece being an extremely classist society.

On the other hand, it could be just that : an engineering issue. I also seem to remember something about the ancient Greeks’ use of metaphors : it didn’t really have to be consistently metaphors all the way down, according to my (fantastic) teacher. She said that’s a reason why a lot of those tales are pretty difficult to interpret.

I may have to take a refresher course in that, though.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
3 years ago

@ sinkable john

but I seem to remember reading quite a bit about ancient Greece being an extremely classist society.

Well they did give us the phrase ‘hoi polloi’.

Speaking of which, there was a great antifa punk band called ‘Oi Polloi’ that people here might appreciate. I won’t link to any of their stuff in case it skirts the comments policy, but Bash the Fash is a great song. Back from when punk would quote Martin Niemoller; but you can also dance to it (for a certain value of ‘dance’)

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
3 years ago

@Alan

Ha ! Hadn’t listened to that in a looong time. Thanks for that.

(for a certain value of ‘dance’)

I’ve said it before a hundred of times, but I’ma kick back unto Proud Unca mode. My 4 yr old niece can dance ballet to this.

She’s also a fan of various versions of Cayenne. Problem is she sings at the most random times, and the only part of the song she ever remembers is “mort aux vaches, mort aux condés !”. She actually did that in the street once, 20 meters away from a group of cops. That is how I define “awkward” now. Maybe I should teach her Daloy Politsey. Pretty sure most of ’em don’t understand Yiddish.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack | December 14, 2016 at 4:33 pm
comment image

Well, that’s not ominous at all.

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
3 years ago

Aunt Podger
Ugh I’m so sorry. Hugs if you want them.

Everyone
Hugs to you all if you want them.

Nice guys don’t realize they’re not nice they’re very creepy and don’t respect the girls’ feelings. They obsess over a girl (girlfriend zoning her) by trying again and again to get with her after she says no hoping she will change her mind.
asking her out
buying her stuff
agreeing with everything she says
wanting to be with her and talk to her 24/7
Assuring her he’s not like other guys
Etc

more red flags by saying
“Nice guys finish last” this shows that they see relationships and women as goals as prizes.
“Women like assholes” this shows they don’t care about women being in danger and being dehumanized, they care about ‘losing’ to another guy and shows they are the real assholes.

And nice guys are hypocrites they complain endlessly about women being with assholes and the friendzone when they constantly complain about being with asshole women and rejecting (friend zoning) girls themselves.

that’s how we get terrorists like Elliot Roger and ones like the manosphere (MRAs, mgtow, red pill, etc) they don’t see us as people they see us as property. They hate us because we choose what we do and say but even if we are perfect slaves they will still hate us because they’re not happy and they will never be happy until they see us as people.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
3 years ago

@Fruitloopsie

I still get a very nasty chill down my spine everytime Rodger is mentioned. I agree, he was basically THE Nice Guy. To me they’re easily the creepiest manurespherians.

Fun fact though. Being French, I sometimes have a very poor grasp of English that leads me to misunderstand some phrases completely, and entirely miss the point. (On the other hand I can also sometimes say things which are the opposite of what I mean, leading everyone else to misunderstand me.) So, this :

“Nice guys finish last” this shows that they see relationships and women as goals as prizes.

There’s a few sayings in French that say that men should “finish” last in the context of sexual intercourse. So for the longest time I thought that “Nice guys finish last” actually meant that.

Now here’s the fun part : Nice Guys actually believe it in that sense too. That’s why I’m so glad that they ain’t getting any. Nasty misconceptions about sex (like, say, thinking that “proper” sex has to begin with an erection and end with ejaculation – that alone is wrong in more ways than I can count) are already a plague upon sex-having people everywhere as is, and Nice Guys are so full of those misconceptions it makes my head spin, and not in the orgasmic way.

I’d blame porn, but it probably isn’t the only factor.

@Nice Guys

Please stop advertising how bad you are at sex.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
3 years ago

Many hearts and hugs to all of you, this is a tough thread for some people! It doesn’t surprise me given how cold-blooded that picture in the OP is. You’re all dearly valuable to me, for as little as that means. Take care of yourselves, and each other.

Dalillama, Effort Chicken
Dalillama, Effort Chicken
3 years ago

@Aunt Podger

How do you keep them from decomposing though and, y’know, smelling awful ?

Laminate them.

@Alan

Some early writers suggested that what actually happened was he was one of the first people to develop sails for ships and it was actually just a drowning accident.

Some Western Europeans try way, way the hell too hard to attribute every advance since bronze working to Classical Greece. Daedalus first shows up in Homer, ca. 800 BC. Sails first showed up in the Dneiper valley, ca. 6000 BC (that’s the oldest clear evidence that’s been found so far anyway).

Aunt Podger
Aunt Podger
3 years ago

@Dalillama, I did not ask that question. My idea is to tell them it’s a Facebook-type game and throw a few “achievements” and “exclusives” their way every so often. They’ll maintain themselves, recruit some chandeliers, and some of them will even pay you for the privilege.

@Fruitloopsie, I will bang this drum until someone hears my beat: attraction is partly about the other person, objectively, but mostly about how you feel when you are around the other person. Even if Clark Kent is completely perfect, but every time you see him, your shoulders go up around your ears because you know didn’t have time to sort the recycling this week (and you kind of think that your ideas of ethical journalism differ wildly, but you’re afraid to bring it up), well, you may actually prefer to head down to Gotham and go to dive bars with Killer Croc (er, Chad) this Saturday night. Kent may have great pecs, but with the scaly dude, you get belly laughs and he won’t imprint on you like a duckling you don’t have time or emotional energy to take care of.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
3 years ago

@Aunt Podger

And you can be sure Croc won’t use x-ray vision to spy on you in the shower.

Moocow
3 years ago

I must be honest, I’m not a big fan of the counter-term “girlfriendzone” due to it’s gendered connotation. The whole reason “friendzone” has such a misogynistic connotation is because of the idea that men are expected to ask out women. And women are ‘expected’ to say yes; those who say no are ‘friendzoning’ which is apparently bad.

In reality, unrequited love happens all the time, regardless of gender. I’ve met people and tried to romance them only to realize they only considered me a friend. I’ve met people who tried to romance me and I had only considered them friends. It only becomes a problem when the person getting rejected does not respect the boundaries (the most common reason being male entitlement)

Now, I should be clear it’s merely the label “girlfriendzone” that bothers me. I do support the idea behind it, that one should not view a person as a romantic partner. It’s objectification.

Moocow
3 years ago

Wow, usually I’d leave a typo but this totally changes the meaning of the last sentence. It should read “I do support the idea behind it, that one should not view a person as only a romantic partner”

Boo
Boo
3 years ago

As an in-between friend in a relationship here in Canada, I was in the middle after date 3:

She: What’s his problem? Doesn’t he like me or want me? I keep dangling my boobs and butt in his face!

He: I like her so much! We have such a great time hanging out and talking. But it’s not getting physical, what am I doing wrong?

Me: She wants you to get physical.

He: Are you sure? She isn’t saying so.

Me: You’re ahead of your society, dude. Lucky you, I’m telling you she wants you.

Me: (to her, since she’s now insulted) He just respects you, and doesn’t want to go too fast. Believe me, he wants you, he told me so.

She: Well, he should be aggressive enough to show me.

The variable influences of the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies have caused some really strange incongruities, with longterm consequences. This story was 1997, though I suspect it could happen today as well.

The relationship, though short, worked out.

eientei the digital archaeologist
eientei the digital archaeologist
3 years ago

Hm. Can’t seem to find a source for this apart from a tweet in September 2014 at the earliest. It appears it just came out of thin air, or the original source has been lost to time.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

*ahem*

Upon review, it would appear that Jackie and I missed an opportunity. We apologize for this misstep, and we vow to do better in the future when it comes to making Borderlands references.

For the uninitiated: In Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel, there is a man named Mr. Torgue Flexington, the owner of Torgue Munitions (Their weapons tend to do extra explosive damage, a personal touch if you will). Mr. Flexington is loud, obnoxious, and can be rather rude.

However, despite being what some might consider the mythical MRA “Alpha Male” they pine for so much, he actually understands that the “friendzone” is misogynistic, and does actually take steps to correct his sexist behaviors.
comment image

Have the clip we should have shown you previously:

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@PI

Mr. Torgue. Wonderful figure.

can’t believe he didn’t come up earlier really.

Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

@Troubelle

We apologize for the delay but at least everyone gets to enjoy Torgue, who is the best and most amazing and I want him to adopt Tiny Tina so they can make awesome father-daughter explosives together they would be unstoppable.

Un-stoppable.

Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

(aaaaAAAA I didn’t change my name on mobile yet fuckshitpisscokerspanielballs.)

Bryce
Bryce
3 years ago

There a term for situational awareness, or lack of, as it relates to social interaction? Cause anyone should realize that continuing to close in on someone trying to distance themselves is only going to make that person hate you. At that point you’re not a friend, rather something they have to deal with; politely, so that their “friend” doesn’t start acting out in a more aggressive manner.

The Real Cie
The Real Cie
3 years ago

I’ve had guys who got angry with me for “friendzoning” them. One of them was my ex boyfriend, who was an ex because of all the emotional abuse he heaped on me but I was still young and naive enough at the time that I thought it would be “the kind thing” to remain friends with him. I took him to a Halloween party given by one of my co-workers. I and one of my other co-workers started flirting with each other, and my ex boyfriend made a scene. I took him back to my apartment because his car was parked there. I thought he had left and I went to bed with all my clothes on. I woke up with my clothes off and him on top of me. I screamed (or more accurately, slurred) at him to stop. I was far too drunk to actually fight. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have been driving in that condition. When he was done, he said “well, now we’re back together.” I had back to back panic attacks during every waking hour for a year after this happened.
Less than a year later, my very screwed up self got into a really bad relationship with a guy who would do things like order me to kiss his feet and make me watch bestiality porn, threatening to pull his “love” away from me if I didn’t do what he asked. He ended up picking up some girl who worked at the video store where he got a lot of his porn (this was 1998) and then being angry with me for being upset that he was fooling around when he told me I was “the one.” I finally mustered the emotional wherewithal to break free of him, but not before I cut my wrists and showed up at his window begging him to let me in. The cuts were superficial, but I still have scars from them.
Following the breakup, a guy whom I considered a friend ended up emotionally browbeating me because I didn’t want to go out with him. I told him I’d just gotten out of a really bad relationship and didn’t want to get into another relationship at that point, if at all. He said “well, thanks for destroying my ego.” He claimed that the only reason I didn’t want to date him was because he was fat. Well, not being thin myself, that would be pretty hypocritical. Besides, on a physical level, I’ve been attracted to guys from Joey Ramone to John Goodman and every size in between. My reasons for not wanting to date this guy amounted to: I’d just gotten out of a really bad relationship, and I had a lot of problems. I didn’t know it at the time and wouldn’t find out for another twelve years, but I had untreated type 2 bipolar disorder. Also, he was kind of emotionally immature, and I already had an eight year old child, plus my ex husband who has Aspberger’s who was living with me as a roommate because he was between jobs. I didn’t need to add a 35 year old overgrown kid to the mix. Also, he said that thing which should always be a red flag: “I’m not like those other guys.”
This “nice guy” behavior ruined what had seemed to be a good friendship up to that point.
TL:DR If someone is “friendzoning” you, it may not be about you. But if you keep pressuring her, you’re going to lose her friendship. If you actually value said friendship, cut it out. If, on the other hand, you are a “nice guy,” do her a favor and leave her alone, because you really don’t care about anything but her vagina anyway.

Kat
Kat
3 years ago

@RosieLa, @The Real Cie

I’m so sorry that you had some truly terrible experiences.

I hope that this pain is in the past and that life is easier now.

Dr.DeadAnimals
Dr.DeadAnimals
3 years ago

@handsome Jack

fuckshitpisscokerspanielballs

I got a real giggle imagining a coked up spaniel before I realized you probably meant cocker spaniel.

Nobody Special
Nobody Special
3 years ago

Those bricks are being laid totally wrong – no stability, y’see. Unless they’ve been interlocked then before obsessed boy is much further in the whole lot is going to come crashing down on his poor noggin.
Kinda makes we wish I could fast-forward that picture another half-hour or so, just to see obsessed flat boy. Now, how did that song go?
‘What’s he gonna look like with a chimney on him?’.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
3 years ago

*looks at axe*

*looks at Axe*

*tugs at collar*