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Return of Kings is now providing parenting advice. The world’s worst parenting advice

Tech your daughter she's a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son
Teach your daughter she’s a second class citizen by forcing her to wash dishes with mom while you play a manly game of Battleship with your son

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Alleged martial artist Jean-Batave Poqueliche, a regular Return of Kings contributor, declares in his bio on the site that he spends his life “travel[ing] the world looking for new fighting techniques and new beautiful women.”

So naturally his boss at RoK, pickup artist and sentient glob of smegma Roosh V, tapped him to provide child-rearing advice to the site’s readers, a demographic that should probably be prevented by law from breeding.

In a post today, Mr. P sets forth a detailed list of things he thinks parents should do in order to keep their kids from turning into evil Social Justice Warriors; the advice is so bad it borders on abuse.

Mr. P starts off by celebrating, sort of, the hypothetical first pregnancy of a hypothetical RoK reader’s hypothetical first wife. Let’s just say that Mr. P is not a romantic.

You have found the least damaged and slutty girl you could find that also looks like you,” he writes, making sure to toss in an implicit rebuke of those who marry outside of their race. “She passed all the loyalty tests and the seed has taken root.”

So far so good. But what happens when this seed develops into an actual human baby walking and talking and pooping its pants?

Well, Mr. P advises, you start to watch the thing like a hawk in order to make sure it never encounters any of the Social Justice Warriorism that runs rampant in our fallen culture.

“Elites and media cannot wait to put their gender-fluid sausage-fingered paws on your children and format their young brains,” he warns in a sentence with perhaps more metaphors than it needs. “It is your role to shield them from that peril … .”

That means setting aside your quest to learn every style of martial art from here to Timbuktu and basically being in your kids’ face all the time. “Spot the early signs of SJW friendly attitude and nip them in the bud,” he writes.

A girl with an absent father, like a ship with no rudder, will turn to an ocean of cocks.

An ocean of what, now?

A boy with an absent father will turn to crime, or worse, feminism.

Ba-dump-tish!

“Don’t let them go to university,” Mr. P insists, lest they be corrupted by some evil academic SJWs. And consider leaving the country if you don’t get your way in the November elections.

Leave America if Trump does not make it great again. Find the fertile ground that will allow your children to grow well and safe. Pick a country that despises SJWs and outright mocks them.

Does it have to be a country? I have some uninhabited islands to suggest.

And of course you need to make sure that your daughter knows how worthless she and all women really are.

Tell them that a man has only his integrity and guts for him while a woman has only her fleeting beauty and sexual purity to rely on.

Teach your son to mock fat people, just because.

While they should not laugh at people that are truly handicapped, when [your son] asks “Dad, why is the lady so fat and smells funny?”, it is your sacred duty to answer: “Because she is lonely, has no self-control and is lazy, my son.”

Keep them away from the internet, because god forbid they get a chance to take advantage of the most significant technological development of our age.

Have more than one kid. Not so much for your kids’ sake, but for your own. After all, Mr. P reminds us, each new kid you have is

[a]n extra root to a strong family tree and one more defender and carrier of your name. If unfortunately you messed up one, (no one is safe) you have a few others to save your line from vanishing into PC-approved degeneracy.

Definitely consider your children to be little more than vehicles for your own weird genetic/ideological agenda because, you know, there’s no way that could end up backfiring and making your kids rightfully hate you for the rest of their lives or anything.

Some people should never have kids. I wouldn’t trust these guys with a pet rock.

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Freemage
Freemage
4 years ago

Lessee… countries that ‘despise SJWs’. So, Iran, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.

If anyone actually deserves to live in these countries, it’d be the shitheads who read RoK. OTOH, the downside is that they would make these countries even worse for the women who are trapped in those societies.

Yeah, let’s just go with shipping ’em to Anthrax Island.

Wondering
Wondering
4 years ago

So, keep them away from the internet, where groups like Return of Kings have blogs. Got it.

Margaret Pless
Margaret Pless
4 years ago

No way is Mr. p’s name actually his real name.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

from here to Timbuktu

Does anyone know how Timbuktu got its association with remoteness; it’s not that far away?

(Well unless that phrase arose somewhere that is a long way away from Timbuktu I suppose)

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

Elites and media cannot wait to put their gender-fluid sausage-fingered paws on your children and format their young brains

Paws don’t have fingers, friend.

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
4 years ago

This kind of sounds like a secular version of quiverfull parenting. Like the Debbie Pearl stuff where it’s designed to completely break a child’s spirit and keep them from ever thinking for themselves.

In other words, creepy and borderline incestual.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
4 years ago

Does anyone know how Timbuktu got its association with remoteness; it’s not that far away?

It was a major destination in days gone by, but it was a major trip for Europeans to reach it. You pretty much had to cross a huge section of the Sahara to get there.

I don’t know the exact mechanism by which this entered the English language, but there’s no mystery to me as to why, at one point, it was considered one of the ends of the Earth to the original owners of English.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

The furthest place you can get from Timbuktu is Matacawalevu Island; so I’m guessing the phrase originated there.

ETA: Cheers POM.

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
4 years ago

Timbuktu have a funny name and is far from Europa and America, so I guess it work as a remote position.

In France, we use the Kamchatka as well as various not-actually-existing place like Petaouschnock.

Alex
Alex
4 years ago

“…that also looks like you..” – they just get weirder and weirder

brian
brian
4 years ago

damn those rudderless ships i keep getting on, always carrying me right to an ocean of cocks!

brian
brian
4 years ago

And “that also looks like you” seems less like a rebuke of interracial marriage and more like an encouragement to breed with people that are directly related to you.

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

Ngl my first thought was “…so, your twin sister?”

If it were possible to breed with a gender-swapped clone of yourself, I bet he’d be all over that.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

Alex:

“…that also looks like you..” – they just get weirder and weirder

I guess they are into gender-swapped clone fetish, but I really really really wonder if their clone would be that hot to trot with them? Consider, if they transferred their mindset into the clone (because naturally they are the pinnacle of everything), I’m pretty darn sure that no “genetic” or “evolutionary” programming would kick in in that femme-body clone (and thus submit to supreme homme-body original), no matter what they believe.

Oh hey, now I know what D&D monster this reminds me of, beholders! They breed by budding/parthenogenesis, and then inspect the offspring and let those that resemble the original beholder, live. The others are destroyed or eaten.

I’ll get me coat.

ScarlettAthena
ScarlettAthena
4 years ago

Does it strike anyone else that these philosophies that fear “contamination” and require bulwarks against any thought that even mildly disagrees with them are very un-alpha and totally weak?

Don’t these guys also preach “free market” ideals? What about the free market of ideas?

I’m all for sending these guys to Snake Island or wherever so that those of us who want to create a society that maximizes freedoms and opportunities for the everybody can get on with it.

Skiriki
Skiriki
4 years ago

Also, “ocean of cocks” makes me think of tall, slender cocks growing up from the sandy bottom or rock formations, gently swaying like anemones in undercurrents, with curious fish swimming between them and jellyfish stinging them in self-defense whenever one gets too close.

Naya
Naya
4 years ago

I agree with the part of not letting your kids near the Internet. Many of the MRA and Red Pillers could end up growing up as decent human beings if they hadn’t access to the Internet.

Tabby Lavalamp
Tabby Lavalamp
4 years ago

“You have found the least damaged and slutty girl you could find that also looks like you,” he writes, making sure to toss in an implicit rebuke of those who marry outside of their race.

Now now. He may just mean she looks like dented can of Axe Body Spray peacocking in a trilby.

Keep them away from the internet

That’s a good suggestion. They could avoid shit holes like RoK.

(((Her Grace Phryne))): Tool of the Butt-Worshipping, Lesbian-Powered Elite
(((Her Grace Phryne))): Tool of the Butt-Worshipping, Lesbian-Powered Elite
4 years ago

WWTH, that was my thought, too. It sounds a lot like fundamental Christian “childrearing advice”, minus the Christianity.

pitshade
pitshade
4 years ago

Leave America if Trump does not make it great again.

There is exactly a zero percent chance of that happening regardless of the election results. Avoid the rush! Act now! Leave today!

Bina
4 years ago

Am I being too charitable in hoping he takes a karate kick to the gonads that leaves him permanently sterile?

I am, ain’t I.

GenJones
GenJones
4 years ago

I’d be seriously questioning my life choices if my precious eggses were groomed for anti-intellectualism and wallowing mediocrity. Have PUAs ever considered that they have to light up the tilt sign because they just can’t hack it?

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
4 years ago

Looks like he would be happy to go and join the likes of Pastor Steven Anderson and Jim Bob Duggar in their delightful Quiverful cult. They’d be right at home there. They even ‘blanket train’ their kids to assure they learn to respect authority. The women are considered to be ‘sexually immoral’ if they refuse sex to their husbands, even if they are menstrual, pregnant and feeling shitty. The Quiverful Patriarchists love their hot and cold running sex (why women aren’t allowed to wear pants, makes for easier access) and the girls are brainwashed, frightened and largely illiterate. If you don’t know what blanket training is, please google it, as well as the names Debi and Michael Pearl and Bill Gothard. There is a reason why Josh Duggar grew up to be a serial abuser and sex ‘addict’. 🙁

Ross
Ross
4 years ago

You know, I find the conservative double think fascinating. The same people who tout themselves as k-selected* wolves, are also the ones who advise p-selected* methods for supremacy.

I mean, its not liberals who foster the quiver full movement, or saying you need many kids to keep your line going just in case.

*the letters may be wrong or mixed up. I don’t want to read enough into evolutionary politics to know the terms off by heart.

ej
ej
4 years ago

[Each new kid you have is] an extra root to a strong family tree and one more defender and carrier of your name.

Ummmm…That’s not how trees work. Your children are the branches on your family tree. Your ancestors are the roots.

Also, I noticed that the children are going to carry on the family name. I’m guessing he is planning on having only boys, since someone who gives out this kind of parenting advice probably wouldn’t be supportive of a woman choosing to keep her own name when she gets married.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

Ya know, Jean Claude van Dingbat, if you’re having to settle for the “least damaged and slutty girl you can find”, maybe girls ain’t for you. I mean, if the best option for anything I wanted was ‘the least shit’, I wouldn’t be searching the world for it. Seems a lot of effort for so much bitterness and disappointment

Wait, what was that? The bitterness and disappointment is the whole reason you’re doing any of this? Huh? You like damaged and slutty girls when they let you fuck them but then complain about em on the internet? Come again? You’re whole sense of self is wrapped up in being a supes mayunly street fighter and lady killer (I so hope that’s not literal) to the point of seeing all other men as an “ocean of cocks” in competition with you?

Oh. Well, never mind then…

Iseult The Idle
Iseult The Idle
4 years ago

A girl with an absent father, like a ship with no rudder, will turn to an ocean of cocks.

Well, in our defense, it’s an easy mistake to make. They do sort of look like rudders.

authorialAlchemy
authorialAlchemy
4 years ago

There has been a”white people are incestuous” joke going around for a while, and there seems to be a grain of truth about that with racists.

When I’m not in college I return to a small city and live with my parents. A lot of people are related here (turns out two of my friends were unwittingly related to me. A lot if people go to school with their cousins.) and I admit I would rather date someone outside of my ethnicity to avoid reproducing with my 6th cousin or whatever.

But racists aren’t afraid to spread more mayo on the mayo sandwich, all in the name of ~purity~.

Also, a lot of times, white purity is a lie in America. PoC ancestors get swept under the rug all the time. I look pretty white, but I have at least three indigenous ancestors.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
4 years ago

Ah, another round of PUAs/ROK fans proving how strong and manly they are by advocating child abuse. I’m so impressed. There’s nothing that gets my naughty parts tingling faster than a man who has to crush the spirit of a child to make himself feel all macho.

(Think I made that scornful enough for a Roosh-type to grasp?)

snork maiden
4 years ago

Oh yes, preventing your child from further education is really going to set them up for life, not.

I seriously hope any RoK followers grow up and out of their woman hating phase before they ever try to procreate.

Antisocialite
Antisocialite
4 years ago

Yes! Please leave the country!

LEx
LEx
4 years ago

Can you imagine having roosh as your father?

Patricia Kayden
Patricia Kayden
4 years ago

While they should not laugh at people that are truly handicapped, when [your son] asks “Dad, why is the lady so fat and smells funny?”, it is your sacred duty to answer: “Because she is lonely, has no self-control and is lazy, my son.”

Really dude? Only fat people smell funny? And how do you go from someone being overweight to them being lazy?

He should be banned from having children. All he’s doing is ensuring that bigotry is passed on to the next generations.

Virgin Mary
Virgin Mary
4 years ago

Of course, again this is an example of their medieval understanding of the reproductive process, in which the male plants a ‘seed’ in the female, her contribution to the process is nothing more than walking gro-bag.

Chris Hall
Chris Hall
4 years ago

…making sure to toss in an implicit rebuke of those who marry outside of their race

Now now David, maybe he’s not a racist and really just wants to marry some who really does look like himself; like his mother for instance.

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo
4 years ago

Patricia,
The stereotype about fat people being lazy and smelly is common in fat shaming. I’m more curious about how he came to the conclusion that loneliness causes fatness.

RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
4 years ago

@Virgin Mary
Clearly, In an attempt to keep his child from becoming an evil-SJW, Poqueliche sir didn’t even allow his kid to attend middle school. Looks like he was successful!

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

Oh, these kings who are back on their thrones! They are indeed all-powerful. Lords who leave their fiefdoms to roam the world, looking for beautiful women to ruin and discard.

Snort.

RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
4 years ago

But racists aren’t afraid to spread more mayo on the mayo sandwich

Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I’m sorry, but the image of the purity of a sandwich being ruined by endless blobs of mayo just makes me feel quesy. I hate slutty sandwiches 🙁

OoglyBoggles
OoglyBoggles
4 years ago

Don’t want them to have kids, their ideology is so fragile they resort to classical christian indoctrination child raising to prevent the posssibility of their kin to doubt them.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
4 years ago

put their gender-fluid sausage-fingered paws on your children

I’m starting to think these guys have a non-consensual BDSM relationship with the English language.

one more defender and carrier of your name

“Defender” of your name? Well, there’s a giant giveaway that he thinks his name is weak and constantly under assault from all directions. Things that stand on their own merits generally don’t need defending.

“Son, I want you to insult people, get into constant fights, have trouble holding a job and a relationship, and be in and out of jail on assault charges. That way, people will continue to associate our name with only the best that humanity has to offer.”

I get the feeling he wants to mold his hypothetical future sons exactly in his image, not because he’s such a big winner at life, but because he’s afraid they’ll surpass him. It wouldn’t take much to have a better life outcome than being a disgusting internet wankbigot who’s scared of his own shadow and thinks brainwashing raising kids in a cultural vacuum is the highest form of parenting.

bekabot
bekabot
4 years ago

Sounds like a recipe for producing classic hippies. I approve.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

Why does he need to “travel the world looking for new fighting techniques”? Seems to me the already-known fighting techniques work pretty well. Is he some kind of violent hipster?

“So, what martial art do you practise?”
“Oh, it’s something called Ei-Khee Th’oomp. You probably haven’t heard of it”

Handsome "These Pretzels Suck" Jack (formerly Pandapool)

“You have found the least damaged and slutty girl you could find that also looks like you…She passed all the loyalty tests and the seed has taken root.”

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This is the worst thing I have ever read ever. This whole thing is the worst thing ever.

Imma go back to finding CC for my Sims game now.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

Jean-Batave Poqueliche is definitely an anagram for J Bean Paleo Veat Bean Quiche, a specialty of the excellent J Bean Coffee & Café in the Chicago area.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ moggie

“Oh, it’s something called Ei-Khee Th’oomp. You probably haven’t heard of it”

I’m guessing you know that a man literally died laughing at that sketch?

richardbillericay
richardbillericay
4 years ago

Surely if they want to bring up perfect specimens of manly maleness, they should try to duplicate their own childhoods. In other words find a partner similar to their mother (obviously she *would* look like them!) and try to create a dysfunctional family dynamic which breeds the lifelong resentment towards ones mother that manly men apparently require. No need to leave the country or learn any more martial arts.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

I’m guessing you know that a man literally died laughing at that sketch?

Too soon?

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ moggie

Too soon?

Now that made me laugh 🙂

(His family wrote a nice letter to The Goodies about it; they thought it was a great way to go)

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
4 years ago

I have found the character theses people want to emulate :

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Look at Tamoru Sawagoe. Count the loops. And I spare the gory details, because his behavior is even viler than what Heartiste and co suggest. I guess that count as “being a role model” to thoses gentleman, no ?

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