Evil female fakes pregnancy to get attention, pampering, delicious bamboo

Sneaky, sneaky!

Sneaky, sneaky!

The latest news out of Taiwan seems to suggest that maybe Men’s Rights activists are right about the wily female and her endless demands for stuff.

In Taipei, one famous female was recently discovered to be faking a pregnancy in what appears to have been a transparent ploy for attention, round-the-clock pampering, and delicious bamboo.

Ok, it was a panda.

As China Daily reports:

Hopes that another panda cub would soon be born in Taiwan were dashed when experts determined that signs of pregnancy displayed by a giant panda at Taipei Zoo appear to have been faked by the animal in order to secure better conditions during the summer.

According to the article,

Pandas thought to be pregnant are moved into single rooms with air conditioning and round-the-clock care and also receive more fruits and bamboo.

Experts believe clever pandas display behavior similar to pregnancy to improve their quality of life after noticing the difference in treatment they receive.

Apparently this panda went a bit further than most. The article reports that the panda in question, a lovely lass named Yuan Yuan,

had shown signs of pregnancy such as loss of appetite, thickening of the uterus and increased fecal progesterone concentration.

Uh, how exactly would one go about faking “thickening of the uterus” or  “increased fecal progesterone concentration?” The article doesn’t say.

Females sure are mysterious creatures, huh?

Mysterious and evil.

H/T — 

About David Futrelle

I run the blog We Hunted the Mammoth, which tracks (and mocks) online misogyny. My writing has appeared in a wide variety of places, including Salon, Time.com, the Washington Post, the New York Times Book Review and Money magazine. I like cats.

Posted on July 30, 2015, in female beep boop. Bookmark the permalink. 63 Comments.

  1. I’d do it. GOD I love bamboo.

  2. Uh, how exactly would one go about faking “thickening of the uterus” or “increased fecal progesterone concentration?” The article doesn’t say.

    Most likely this is a case of a false pregnancy which happens in many mammals (including humans).

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_pregnancy

  3. It’s about Ethics in Panda journalism, David. Nice Bamboo-Man argument here.
    You are shameless.

  4. Misandrist pandas! Deceiving us all for cash and prizes! Or bamboo and air con, it’s all the same at the end of the day.

  5. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

  6. I knew it was you, Jackie! Your real name is Yuan Yuan, isn’t it? Consider yourself doxxed!

  7. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

  8. I bet Yuan Yuan’s secretly getting it on with that young alpha pandahunk two enclosures over, and faked pregnancy so her poor beta mate would make a commitment. She knows she’s not getting any younger, and the Bad Boys can’t be relied on to keep her in bon bonsbamboo.

  9. The misandrous family panda court system will of course make the male panda pay cub support even though there is no cub.

  10. Uh, how exactly would one go about faking “thickening of the uterus” or  “increased fecal progesterone concentration?” The article doesn’t say.

    It’s a little known fact that us feeeemales can thicken our uterus lining, ovulate and even menstruate whenever we want to. Menstruating on tap helps give us a legit excuse to not go home with a sex pest. Pregnancy? ALL PART OF A MASTER PLAN TO ENSLAVE THOSE BETA PROVIDERS. EVEN IF IT’S A FAKE BUN IN THE OVEN.

    *cackles wildly*

  11. David Futrelle

    I knew you’d like this story! That slutty panda must pay! -;)

  12. indifferentsky,
    ——————————————————————————————————————–
    It’s about Ethics in Panda journalism, David. Nice Bamboo-Man argument here.
    You are shameless.
    ——————————————————————————————————————–

    Pandagate!

    LOL!

  13. I always suspected pandas were secretly slutty.

    That… last one kind of confuses me.

  14. I bet Yuan Yuan’s secretly getting it on with that young alpha pandahunk two enclosures over, and faked pregnancy so her poor beta mate would make a commitment. She knows she’s not getting any younger, and the Bad Boys can’t be relied on to keep her in bon bonsbamboo.

    Much MRA science! Very truthy! :P

  15. Lady Mondegreen:

    She knows she’s not getting any younger

    She knows she’ll hit the wall. The great wall. Of… oh never mind.

    The migtoes are always singing the praises of submissive Asian feeemales, so unlike the RUINED western women. They won’t like this news.

  16. That panda is a clever, clever girl. Even went so far as to thicken her uterus and increase the progesterone content of her feces. Us ebil wimmenz have much to learn from this Great Master of Pregnancy Faking.

    (hopes no MRAs are reading this so they don’t catch on to our next wicked plot to take over the world)

  17. Pandas thought to be pregnant are moved into single rooms with air conditioning and round-the-clock care and also receive more fruits and bamboo.

    Experts believe clever pandas display behavior similar to pregnancy to improve their quality of life after noticing the difference in treatment they receive.

    Some would point to this as evidence for the infinite deceitfulness of feeeeemales. I, on the other hand, would point to it as evidence that the Taipei Zoo needs to up its panda-accommodations game. Because maybe, just maybe, if the pandas were more comfortably housed and better fed, they’d actually start producing more baby pandas, right?

  18. Oh noes! First whore penguins and now whore pandas? All civilization is fallen.

  19. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    @Bina

    I know air conditioning make me horny.

  20. I look forward to next summer’s blockbuster: Pandas versus Honey Badgers: The Showdown. It’s certain to be smashing.

    (The origin of the quarrel: Honey Badgers don’t care whereas Pandas care too much. Some differences are irreconcilable.)

  21. Oh the misandry! That panda is obviously an ‘ebil femanazi’. Lol!

  22. I can imagine the MRAs using this as ‘proof’ of some feminist conspiracy.

    MRA-Told you! The ebil feminazis are using the divorce courts to rip off their exes for child support!

    Anyone else-She is a panda!

    MRA-I don’t care! It is an ebil feminazi plot, I say!!!!!!!

  23. So — why wouldn’t male pandas fake pregnancy, if it was all about the sweet, sweet bamboo?

  24. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    @Irene

    Maybe they do. But they’re male. Plus there’s only one female panda that has done it so far.

  25. For MRAs, one example is all they need to extrapolate an entire theory.

  26. I’m happy you posted this, David. We needed something funny to uplift us from all the horribleness that’s been happening as of late.

  27. Plus there’s only one female panda that has done it so far.

    No, it’s happened before. For example, here’s a story from 2014 with almost identical “claver pandas” wording.

  28. This is terribly off-topic and I apologise, but I am pissed off and bitter and sad, and this feels like a good crowd to vent to.

    In the Jerusalem Pride Parade, yesterday, a religious (orthodox) terrorist attcked and stabbed six people. No dead, thankfully, but some were very badly wounded.

    (I didn’t go, this year; I was thinking of it, but it was a realy hot day and I was tired and didn’t feel like being around a lot of people. And none of my friends who did go were hurt, although it feels pretty selfish to look at a silver lining like that when six people were hurt.)

    And the worst part? This is the same guy that stabbed three people at the parade some years ago (2007, I think). THE SAME GUY. He got out of jail three weeks ago, he talked publicly about how he doesn’t regret what he’s done and how the parade ‘has to be stopped’, he was fucking spotted there by the police, who apparently just told him to go away. How. Just fucking how. Just what the fucking hell.

    And then you get the fucking voices who say ‘what he did was terrible and I do not condone it, but having a pride parade in Jerusalem is wrong’, like, NO. Just no, just shut your fucking hateful mouths for fucking once.

    AAAARRRGH.

  29. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    @Penny Psmith

    You’re not serious. The same guy?

    That’s…the fuck?

  30. Some would point to this as evidence for the infinite deceitfulness of feeeeemales. I, on the other hand, would point to it as evidence that the Taipei Zoo needs to up its panda-accommodations game. Because maybe, just maybe, if the pandas were more comfortably housed and better fed, they’d actually start producing more baby pandas, right?

    That was my thought, too. They are clearly not keeping the pandas in conditions the pandas are happy with.

    Although maybe there are other factors, like maybe the pregnant pandas get more food because they need more calories but it would be unhealthy to give that much food to a non-pregnant panda. I don’t know. IANApandaspecialist.

  31. @Pandapool:

    Oh, deadly serious.
    And here’s another unbelievable detail: he was originally sentenced to ten years. He was let out two years early, because judges said that ‘he was normative until the stabbing incident’.
    Yeah.

    Fucking expletive fuck.

  32. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

  33. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    (I thought a funny angry gif would cheer me up but it just makes me feel like an ass.)

  34. Penny, that’s horrible! Hopefully this time they will actually keep him locked away.

  35. Well, I kinda like the angry moth, so thanks.

  36. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    I guess I tried my best.

  37. And thanks, David. Been feeling kinda bad about derailing a light-heated Evil Panda post with this awful story.

    At least we actually have people (including right-wing politicians) calling him a terrorist. Even if some of them probably just do it as a way to wash their hands of any association with the crime, it’s still better than just saying he’s a ‘deranged killer’ or something.

  38. He’s a shande fur die goyim is what he is.

  39. EJ (The Other One)

    A panda before the nations? Jackie, this is your wheelhouse.

    From what I hear, Israel’s been having a long problem with getting the orthodox community to stop trying to impose their religious principles on the rest of the country (often violently, sadly.) Penny Psmith, please accept my hugs and sympathies with this.

  40. I am so, so sorry to hear that, Penny.

    Re: the article: wow, that panda really fooled her zookeepers. I suppose you could say she—bamboozled them.

    *runs away*

  41. @ Penny Psmith

    I read the story in news today and almost started to cry because of my frustration with that blind hate that makes people do such horrible things.

    I hope this is not inappropriate to say this now, but I strongly believe that it will get better and society will become more enlightened. Slowly, yes, but it will. In my country (Latvia), the first pride several years ago was stopped by a mob of angry protesters, and they were throwing bags with (human!) feces. (I just can`t imagine the mindset you have to have to think that this is a great way to show your beliefs!) This year we had EuroPride at Riga – and despite the controversy in media, the event itself was peaceful and joyful. Only few random protesters stood passively with some posters, and one complete fool who almost burned himself while trying to set on fire a rainbow flag, but he was quickly removed by the police.

  42. EJ (The Other One)

    Re this:

    That was my thought, too. They are clearly not keeping the pandas in conditions the pandas are happy with.

    The problem has actually been solved recently. The solution? Amongst others, panda wee.

    http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/zoo.10118/abstract

    Pandas use olifactory communication to signal to their mates when they’re ready, much in the same way as humans use Barry White albums. This olifactory communication is done largely through pandas peeing on things when certain chemicals are in their pee. If panda enclosures are kept too clean – as they were until recently – then they wouldn’t stink of panda pee and therefore would prevent pandas from communicating.

    The moral of the story is twofold:

    A) Make sure you let your pandas pee everywhere. You might not like it but they do.

    B) Pandas seem to have a consent-based sexual culture, since the lack of affirmative communication from girl pandas means the boy pandas leave them alone. You go, pandas!

    (Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter. But that’s a different story.)

  43. EJ (The Other One):
    > (Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter. But that’s a different story.)

    They’re also not very good at telling their cubs apart, which means you can take the abandoned one and look after it separately, and occasionally swap it for its sibling and mum will still be quite happy looking after it.

  44. Alan Robertshaw

    swap it for its sibling and mum will still be quite happy looking after it.

    Young pandas are notorious for exploiting this for when they want to sneak out and go clubbing.

  45. EJ (The Other One)

    Does that mean that The Parent Trap was the only human movie which makes sense to pandas?

  46. (Thanks for your support, folks. Israel is a complicated place, and for the time being I’ll leave it at that, because I’d love for this thread to go back to pandas.)

    Pandas seem to have a consent-based sexual culture
    […]
    Also pandas are shitty parents and will tend to neglect the younger sibling of a litter

    Oh my god! The pandas are pregnancy-faking, rape-claiming[*] shitty mothers! Those damn feminists, always taking all the good bamboo!

    [*] Err, somehow? It’s not like actual MRArguments make much sense.

  47. http://giphy.com/search/funny-panda/2
    Sorry that happened Penny.

  48. And the worst part? This is the same guy that stabbed three people at the parade some years ago (2007, I think). THE SAME GUY. He got out of jail three weeks ago, he talked publicly about how he doesn’t regret what he’s done and how the parade ‘has to be stopped’, he was fucking spotted there by the police, who apparently just told him to go away. How. Just fucking how. Just what the fucking hell.

    Ugh. Obviously, the police, like the general population there, are homophobic as fuck (and I don’t care what effin’ pinkwash the apologists pull, especially of the “But teh moooooooozlims are worse!” variety).

    And just as obviously, that Pride parade NEEDED to happen, all the more, for that very reason.

    PS: I liked the angry moth, too. I wonder what kind of noises they make. Obviously nothing within the range of human hearing…

  49. Alan Robertshaw

    @ Bina

    Realistically, what else could the police do? As a matter of law, they didn’t even have any power to enforce their request that he leave.

  50. A the China Daily. Always a good laugh. 2 Great headlines from when I used to read it on trains in China: “Students get off on teacher’s honeymoon” and “Prostitute caught trying the same trick twice.” Maybe don’t take their reporting of specifics too seriously.

  51. APALT. They ride the alpha heat carousel, then dump their loser beta pen for one with air conditioning.

  52. @Alan:
    Weeeeelll, (sorry to hijack the thread again)
    The police could have summoned him in for questioning. Not an arrest, just call him in and sit with him for a few hours, to ask him about those flyers he’s written about how the parade must be stopped by all means, and that interview to a haredi news service where he expressed no regret about his crime, and also spoke about how the parade needs to be stopped. Gauge his intentions sort of thing. Just need to keep him there until the parade’s done – although, of course, if he’d been stupid enough to had his knife on him, I guess that could be cause for arrest.
    They claim they didn’t have any intelligence about his intentions, but c’mon. They knew or could guess enough to disseminate his picture to the forces guarding the parade.

    (Oh, and they’ve been pretty good with doing that sort of stuff when it’s ‘social justice’ [the economic sort, like the 99% folks, not necessarily the equal-rights sort] protestors they call in for questioning and remind ‘we have our eye on you’, so it’s even clearer that this is either gross incompetence or willful ignorance.)

    And the cop who recognised him at the place could have searched him. I mean, seems like a pretty basic cop thing to do, to check if a known suspect has a weapon. Or she could have made sure he’s followed. I don’t know if she specifically was homophobic – you get all sorts – but again, it was either incompetence or willful ignorance.

    @Bina:
    Like I said, things are complicated. It’s important to remember that there are a couple of religious (including orthodox!) groups marching in the Jerusalem parade every year – either LGBT or allies. A whole bunch of the first response teams were religious, too. Things are not great, not by a longshot, but they’re not black-and-white.

    …And we’re back to pandas!
    Here’s a happy Jewish panda which, by the background, appears to be celebrating bisexuality:

  53. Penny, that sounds ridiculously awful.

    In panda news, pandas are adorable and silly. Male pandas show off how cool they are by how high up on walls and trees they can pee. To get as high as they can, they’ll pee while in a handstand.

    It’s goofy and adorable.

  54. Arawhon, Beast of the Matriacholypse

    @Bina

    PS: I liked the angry moth, too. I wonder what kind of noises they make. Obviously nothing within the range of human hearing…

    Moths generally don’t make sound, but when they do, its super cute.

  55. Pandapool -- The Species that Endangers YOU (aka Banana Jackie Cake, for those who still want to call me "Banana", "Jackie" or whatever)

    @Arawhon, Beast of the Matriacholypse

  56. Alan Robertshaw

    @ Penny

    I get your point, but it would have been tricky for ordinary cops on their own initiatives to do anything. If there’s a demo coming up and known faces then it’s the higher ups who authorise the questioning. Although even then ;people are within their rights to refuse, and often do.

    The orthodox brigade can cause a lot of bother over there as you’ll know. Just look at all the grief that occurs when the authorities do take any sort of action. They all start screaming about interference with their religious liberty etc.

    Even if he did have a knife that might not have given grounds to do anything; it’s not uncommon in a country as self defence aware as Israel.

    I don’t think we can judge too harshly when we have the benefit of hindsight. The alternative is that we accept cops can stop, search and arrest anyone who attends a gathering of people they hate; then we effectively make counter demos illegal. Not sure that’s a good thing.

    So think this is more about street cops not wanting to wind up a member of a vocal and disproportionality powerful lobby in a country where religious tensions are a big issue; rather than some sort of pan-Israel homophobia; especially when Israel is probably one of the most gay friendly countries in the world.

  57. Andrea Dworkin was writing about the excesses of ultra-orthodox religious groups in Israel decades ago. And the real point is that it’s not really about Judaism, it’s about the tendency of some flavors of all religions (all the Abrahamic ones at least) to encourage murderous fanatics to believe that they are doing God’s will. Whether it’s racists (Chatleston), misogynists (Trainwreck), or homophobes (this incident), they all are trying to impose their view of morality on others by violence.

  58. Also note one difference: in the incident in Israel, there were no guns, and nobody was killed. You can’t eliminate murderous fanatics, but you don’t have to let them arm themselves.

  59. It’s completely outrageous that the attacker in Israel stated in his home town that he was going to do this, and he still wasn’t monitored carefully enough to stop it.

  60. On the topic of pregnancy, I’ve noticed the increase in IUD usage and corresponding drop in unplanned pregnancies recently. It never occurred to me that Warren Buffet could be partly responsible!

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/warren-buffett-foundation-iuds

  61. Wait! Fake pregnancy tests only come up positive for fake pregnancy, which only occurs after fake sex and fake ovulation? Or maybe it’s more associated with boredom and fake orgasms…

  62. Alan Robertshaw

    @ Penny

    You might find this interesting:

    http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/aug/05/israel-jails-suspected-jewish-extremist-without-trial-following-attacks

    Throws up some interesting legal issues, but at least it keeps him off the streets.

  63. When police asked Chris if he had suspected that Leslie was faking her pregnancy, he said he had no idea that she was lying – even though he had been intimate with his wife during the time she claimed to be pregnant.

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