Here’s an open thread for personal stuff, continued from here. You know the drill: No trolls, no MRAs/PUAs/MGTOWs etc, be nice. Email the mods/me if shit gets weird.
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We Hunted The MammothMisogyny, tracked and mocked
We Hunted The Mammoth
Ooooh, ouch. I’d forgotten about those rotten things. They really, really hurt.
I know this is the kind of thing that should probably be put to Captain Awkward, but I need some advice on how to deal with a concern trolling mother. I know it’s actually meant to be an expression of love for some reason, but every single day she literally follows me round the house telling me what I should be doing, what I shouldn’t, what to do and not to do and it’s the same stuff over and over again. Every day. I have a To Do list with her ‘pointers’ on it and yet she goes on and on and on starting with the words “I’m concerned that…” and it goes from there. Even though I do actually DO the shit she wants me to do, obviously it can’t all be done in an instant and she seems to ignore my progress and consistently focus on the negative instead.
And it’s really getting me down. 🙁 On top of that problem I struggle with regarding a certain emotional black hole that sucks out all my joy and motivation and replaces it with pain. Again, she…knows this? I’ve told her about it in the same way three times now but again she doesn’t seem to understand why I find it hard to rush around being productive and perfect like she’d want me to.
I’m not rejecting her words outright. Its the fact that, well, all I ever hear from her is the “should/shouldn’t” list and it always has that unconscious subtext of “you’re not doing good enough as things are”. She will believe I engage in habits that I don’t, based on things I did yeeears ago or maybe even just twice in my whole life. I’m pretty sensitive to put downs and vastly in need of affirmations and support to try and erase the negative self talk I’ve developed from a lifetime of said put downs, from multiple people. She’s not helping. She even KNOWS I need affirmations!
It would be easier to talk to her if she wasn’t so sensitive herself. If I try to draw boundaries or in any way point out that she’s doing something that impacts me negatively, at best she’ll agree to fix it and then go back to square one (and will get iffy if I try to remind her), at worst she’ll fly off the handle and suddenly the conversation has turned from the issue at hand to how mean my words were and how upset she now is. *facepalm* No matter how diplomatic I’ve been. She is an emotional being.
So I’m afraid of ‘starting’ conflict in case I make it worse. She might think I’m rejecting everything she is saying and then simply continue to do it but in a sharp and angry tone of voice. She’ll give maaaany excuses, including but not limited to:
“Repeating myself is just the way I am.”
“Well I’m just passionate about this stuff, that’s why I get sharp.”
“You’re under our roof so you have to just deal with the nagging.” (current financial situation means moving out can’t be done immediately)
“I’m just concerned that’s all. I want you to have a good life.”
I believe her when she says she wants good things for me but HOLY SHIT I can’t deal with the manner she does it in. I’ve tried engaging with her before and nothing sticks, which she’ll then excuse away with “I’m not good at retaining information, that’s just me.” I’m not allowed to repeat myself or remind her of boundaries because “it’s upsetting” and yet she finds no reason to stop going on at me. Like a dentist drill in my head. Constantly. The impression I get from her is that 1) she doesn’t trust me to handle things myself, at all (ouch) 2) if I’m not running around at top speed being uber productive all the time then I’m not doing good enough.
So I’m not sure how to deal with a mother who won’t fucking shut the fuck up and won’t fucking listen either, and a father who doesn’t really want to get involved. He’s cool and he understands, but he’s passive, and if push comes to shove will always side with his wife over me. I need his help. I need them both to see things from my perspective, which is that if they want to help me they need to be helping to build me up on the inside, not grind me down with constant reminders of how I’m failing to meet their approval.
Would also like to add that my mother and I have very little in common so neutral conversation is difficult. Seriously. My work is in customer acquisition and I’m great at building rapport yet struggle to talk with my own mum.
@sunnysombrera – I wish I had advice on how to make your mom back off, but all I can offer is commiseration. I’m thirty-five, I have two kids. I’ve been in the military, I’ve had some high responsibility jobs, and I currently manage our family finances fairly well if I do say so myself. To my mom, though, I am forever the seventeen year old that ran up the phone bill. When I go home I get lectures on how my family spends money (mainly aimed at my husband’s expensive hobbies or stuff the kids have bought with their allowances that she deems extravagant), unwanted out of date advice (get a home equity line of credit? That would be great, but our house has negative equity), and disapproval of how I’m raising my kids (unless a friend of her praises them, then I’m doing a great job). Every time I’ve ever tried to establish boundaries, I get tears and explanations that mom was only trying to help. I always return from a visit absolutely drained, and it takes me at least twenty-four hours to be in any way productive.
So I think I kind of get it. Even if I don’t though, the way she’s treating you is NOT right. It’s bad that she’s using your presence in the home as leverage to pick at you night and day. It’s bad that she feels justified in diminishing your feelings so that she can continue her stream-of-consciousness critique of your life. It’s bad that she refuses to see your as an autonomous adult and instead you’re some kind of extension of her that’s just not up to scratch. It’s bad that her need to fix everything is greater to her than your need for support. You deserve better.
[Forgive me if I was projecting my mom’s problems onto yours in the preceding paragraph. If that’s not accurate or fair, please accept my apologies. The patterns just sound sooo familiar.]
I’m sorry, I wish I knew a way to make your mom join Team You. The only thing that really helped in my case was moving out. I also had lesser success tuning her out as much as I could when I was home and making noncommittal noises to all her suggestions. When I couldn’t tune her out, I deflected it as much as I could (“my boss says I’m doing a great job, I’m just going to keep on doing what I’m doing”) or redirected her (“yeah, I should save more for retirement…speaking of, what did Asshole Finance Guy say about your annuity? He’s such an asshole, right?”). It’s manipulative, I know, and it only buys the peace for the short term. But sometimes an evening’s peace is worth it.
Anyway, I hope a little bit of that helps. If none of it does, just ignore it and drive on. I wish parents had instruction manuals to follow when it comes to adult children (and I hope that somebody writes one before mine are grown, because I’m gonna be lost). Good luck, sunnysombrera! I believe in you.
Sunny,
Do you think there’s any chance she’d agree to therapy? Most people think of that as being something for minor children and parents, but not necessarily. Especially since you live together.
… I wish I had some great advice to give, but I don’t know.
I’m very conflict avoidant, and in a situation like you described I would probably just retreat to a bedroom and hide from life, the universe, and everything… which is not a healthy response, so don’t try and be a me.
Maybe keep a list of accomplishments and warm fuzzy things for you to review after she does a session of “make you feel tiny” just as a reminder that you can do awesome things?
Maybe try and find more time to have one-on-one time with your dad, since (even if he won’t confront your mom for you) he’s at least a sympathetic refuge?
Maybe when she pulls the “But that’s just the way I am” you can respond gently “Yeah, mom, but this is just the way I am, and I love you but I can’t deal with this right now.”
I’m just throwing things out there, to be honest.
It’s your life, not hers, and sometimes things that worked out really well for her might not be your cup of tea, and while it may be hard for her to grasp that…
…she doesn’t get to co-opt your life.
Even if you are living under their roof.
Under the roof means she does get to call some shots. Like, when I visit my folks I try to be quiet after 11, and I bring back the car with at least a half a tank of gas, and I don’t invite people over without at least a days notice and a “is it okay if I?” query.
But, she doesn’t get to demand cheerful compliance with everything and a “do life as I want you to” demand.
(Good luck. I think you’re an awesome person, if that helps)
I meant specifically family therapy. Sorry.
My mother is similar, Sunny, but I am bipolar and have exploded on her about it multiple times. Sometimes I was under her roof and sometimes I wasn’t. There came one argument where I told her flat out that she was making me feel suicidal. She got angry/upset and accused me of trying to manipulate her, and I dunno, maybe I was, but she legitimately was making me feel that way and I was in a phase where I was telling her exactly what I thought and I didn’t care how it affected her.
Another time I walked out even though I was financially dependent and almost wound up living out of my car, except that some complicated things came to my rescue and it didn’t come to that. I honestly thought, though, when I walked out that I would wind up living out of my car and that was preferable to staying in the house with her.
We … actually get along now? Kind of? She tones down the constant negativity when she is around me, although my dad tells me she hasn’t actually changed. She’s just changed around me, because I’m more volatile than she is and she doesn’t want to deal with it.
I don’t know how much that helps. Probably not any at all. It was enlightening, though, when I figured out that throwing my emotions back into her face actually made her change her behavior. She was only cool with downing on me all the time as long as I stood there and took it and there were no repercussions for her.
Thanks for the tips guys. I felt really really down this afternoon based on what my mum has said the last few days, so I called Dad and asked for some words of encouragement, and then the emotions leaked out and I started crying and explained that I still felt bad from the day before about Mums words (he knew and had been sympathetic that evening) and…um, things snowballed from there. I said that I was grateful for the practical help in helping me find a new job but I really needed her to scale back on the cajoling due to my own needs and sensitivities. Dad made excuses (“we’re just trying to motivate you” “but it hurts!” “you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs”) and we agreed to talk tonight (I’m now at home and seem to have dodged that bullet, but we’ll see once their TV show is over). Five minutes later Mum does the completely expected and calls me to say how she is now upset and how could I do that and look at the help that they’re giving me, I haven’t been to counselling in a while and it shows, she doesn’t want to be told that she is doing something wrong.
I bounced back from that, fortunately, but I think they’re not going to change. Seeing as they’re completely resistant to any and every request.
I think that I will remind myself that I’m good at my job (the one that they want me to leave and I don’t, but my God there will be fire and brimstone if I put my foot down about it, so I’m kind of just pretending to look elsewhere until I have enough funds to move out again). I’m damn good. Seriously my confidence shoots up after about 30 minutes of doing it, sometimes less.
While at home I will try and avoid them as much as possible and yes, have some one on one time with Dad. Unless mum is in Death By Nagging mode they usually leave me alone if I shut myself away. Also I will start work sooner so I’m a) spending more time in a place where I feel good about myself and b) out of the house.
Thanks also for YOUR words of encouragement. I love this community so much.
POM: I did experiment once and found something that works to make her stop once she starts. Since she will rattle off a lot of things at once, and repeat herself multiple times, I found that saying “Thanks for the input but I’ve now got a lot to think about, can we leave it for the moment else I’ll forget stuff” actually makes her back off. It seems that if I drag emotions into my objection she prioritises hers over mine, but if I make out like I can’t handle the mental part of remembering all that she seems to relate and relax, and then resign.
sunnysombrera: I haven’t figured out how to deal with difficult parents except by moving to another state, but I hope you and she find a way to work it out. That sounds like a super obnoxious living situation.
That’s brilliant, and probably more healthy than my “method” of just having a breakdown at her.
It sounds like it would be wearying after a while. It’s too bad you can’t get your dad to intervene, at all, but my dad would never intervene, either. He would catch too much shit himself if he tried it.
OK, I just received and watched RE:Retrebution (sp?)
And I was wondering.
I have nothing against being Bi or Lesbian, but I am not.
And there are certain female actresses I think are wonderful.
Mila Jovovich. Michelle Rodriguez.
Am I the only female who gets her sexuality questioned when they love female actresses ?
It’s not that people might think that I am other-sexual. It’s the fact that I get queried. Man have loved James Bond for decades…but no-one has accused them of being other-sexual.
Can’t I be accepted as a known Hetero who happens to think some female actresses are great ?
Uh..if this is hetero-privilege, tell me to shut up
I’ve just had it questioned again about why I raved about female actors.
@sunnysombrera
Ughh, sounds very frustrating. I can’t spend more than 2 minutes with my parents without screaming, so I’ve got nothing to contribute here. :/
I think maybe that thing where you did something once when you were a kid and now your parents think you still do that thing all the time, might be a pretty common problem. I was the youngest and shortest kid growing up, and when I was very little I had to sort of lean on/climb the sink to wash my hands, which made the sink itself detach from the wall and gave it a little bit of a permanent angle. Now I’m 30 and my dad still tells me not to lean on the sink when I wash my hands. Like wtf.
Speaking of not having much in common with a parent, I have zero idea how to relate to anything my mom has ever said or done. I just don’t get it. It’s like she’s a different species. She calls me once every 2 months or so, just to let me know everything that’s going on at her work, but it’s not like she’s telling it in a way that might make sense to me. She’s just throwing out names of people I don’t know, and referring to her old bosses and old events that I also don’t know anything about.
Meanwhile, I’ve had serious problems with arthritis for the last 5 or 6 years, which has kept me from moving forward with work and studies for a long time. It’s a little bit frustrating when I realize my mom has no recollection of ever hearing about this problem before. Last time I talked to her, she said “dad mentioned something about your fingers hurting”. Seriously.
I have a long long list of unexplainable things she’s done through the years. By which I mean things I can’t really see anybody doing outside of a bad sitcom.
For example, one time I was sitting on a chair by the kitchen and she had to walk behind me to get to the fridge, while holding a mug of hot coffee. I suddenly felt a flash of sharp pain across my back, and assumed she must’ve spilled coffee on me. This conversation literally happened:
– AOOOoowwww! Did you spill coffee on me?
– No.
– Umm ok. Are you sure? Then what the hell was that?
– It was a bee. A bee stung you.
– What, really? Where did it go? Ow fuck that huuurts.
[Mom leaves the room, I shrug and go back to whatever I was doing. A minute later I reach back and feel my t-shirt all wet, obviously soaked with hot coffee.]
– Mom, are you sure there was a bee?
– Yes, there was a bee.
– But there’s coffee all over my back.
– IT WAS A BEE OK??
* by the kitchen table. Excuse the poor grammar, I was typing in fury. :p
@gilshalos
I’ll let the experts deal with that question. 🙂 I have no clue why anybody would ever rave about any actors/actresses. That art form is just lost on me.
@dhag85. Um…is Oh that bitch! un-insulting ? cos that was my first thought.
Lol. Umm, I’d probably use a different word?
It’s true that I can’t relate to her at all, and sometimes she frustrates me so much. I do often resent her for obviously not giving a crap about what’s been going on in my life for the last 10-15 years. But then again, I think in general she’s been a decent parent. I only rage when I try to talk to her, because it’s just impossible. At other times I don’t hate her, I just feel sad.
Today, 2 small beef medallions and 3 large mushrooms.
Well, it was food
Holy gaslighting, Batman!
@gilshalos
Mushrooms are so underrated though. 🙂
So… After eight years of testing, my docs think they’ve finally figured out why I’m infertile. And if they’re right (just one last blood test before final confirmation), it’s treatable and reversible.
With my Godawful luck, I really shouldn’t get my hopes up, but… AAAGH BROODY EXCITEMENT.
@M.
:O
If I didn’t have such crappy luck, I’d pass some of mine your way, but, hell, good luck anyway.
@M.
!!! That is…!!! OK, I won’t participate in getting your hopes up. 🙂 But it’s still really good news.
On a personal note, I just made fried “rice” with blended cauliflower instead of rice. It’s pretty good, but doesn’t really taste like rice (which I should’ve foreseen).
Has anyone ever gotten tubes in their ears as an adult? If you’re comfortable and willing, would you email me if you have? isidore13@gmail.com
Have not! But it sounds pretty scary.
It’s not really, it’s a surgery usually performed on children actually, I’ve never known anyone who’s done it as an adult but my dr has recommended I do it.
Gilshalos, you could try (as an answer), “Because I have excellent taste”. And leave it at that.
Didn’t want to derail other threads, but I just passed my class final for a Firefighter-1, which qualifies me to take the state exams this Friday and the practicals Saturday.
I could be a full fledged, legit firefighter in 72 hours, if I don’t mess up in this last stretch.
I also got signed off on driving the box ambulances today.
I’m excited and terrified.
Contrapangloss: Hooray! It’s so cool that you’re devoting your life to saving lives and helping people.
Good luck, contrapangloss!
@contrapangloss
YAAAAY!!!!! 😀
*congrats hugs*
(having crashed and now resurfacing) Michelle Rodriguez is great, but is like a female Sean Bean.
She plays great female soldiers, but always seems to die.
Also All Hail Contrapangloss!!!!
@contrapangloss
Sweeeeeet! Good luck.
@gilshalos
Welcome back to the surface. 🙂
I am now going to go out to lunch with a male friend. I wil try and pay my share but he tends to grab bills. This has been going on for about 15 years, including sharing rooms at a con and we have never had sex!
Misandry!
Or possibly I live on benefits, he has a job and I’m not the gender he is interested in.
Ah, I paid my own way at the Con. Snatching bills I mean meals or cinema.
Also, beauty…
http://imgur.com/NftoZXv