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#gamergate confused cats against feminism cuteness douchebaggery drama kings dramatic reading entitled babies evil SJWs gamebros kitties mansplaining men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny post contains jokes victim blaming video games YouTube

This cat reading a #GamerGate manifesto may be the best thing you see all day. (Possibly.)

So yesterday I discovered a #GamerGate manifesto that started with these dramatic pronouncements:

We are Gamers.

We are alive.

And that was just the opener.

By the time the manifesto manifestoed itself all the way to the end, the anonymous author had warned us that games were a poor beleaguered “art form” that needed to “be protected from the dogmatic rhetoric of a clique of totalitarian ideologues,” angrily “denounce[d] the mercantilization of debased social justice,” and taken a few swipes at “careerist writers who sacrifice social harmony, human ethics and intellectual honesty on the altar of Controversy.”

The manifesto-writer declared that the aforementioned gamers who are alive collectively “reject the Industry of Outrage and it’s [sic] guilt-based economic model … reject the ideological megaphones who perpetually parrot their prejudiced hate,” and get a bit peeved when their gender, race, sexual orientation and so forth are “traded on the mediatic market, in return for ideological brownie points.”  Mediatic market?

This all seems like a really long-winded way of saying that #GamerGaters really hate it when anyone in the gaming media says anything mean about them.

But at least one of the readers of this manifesto was excited enough by it to pay this dude, who reads stuff out loud for money on YouTube, something like $350 to turn the manifesto into this video:

Well, let’s just say that my cats — fervently if a little confusedly opposed to feminism in all forms — were a bit more impressed by the manifesto, and this video, than I was. And they insisted on making one of their own. I promised I would upload it to the internet for them, so you can scroll up to the start of this post to watch it.

Sweetie Pie Jonus, the grey tabby, wandered off the script here and there, but as much as I hate the message of the manifesto I think she did a pretty good job overall. And she didn’t bite anyone in the process.

Here’s the whole manifesto, if you prefer that old-fashioned “reading” thing:

gamermanifesto

 

 

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Skye
Skye
5 years ago

Shaun, thanks much. I must try these. 🙂

Puddleglum, yeah, didn’t have to change the lyrics much. Completely agree.

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
5 years ago

As a side note, I’m very fond of my sesquipedalian loquaciousness, and even I think that stopped being English a few sentences in. It’s more of a word salad rife with doublespeak, thesaurus-mining and dog whistles than Bart Baggett’s robo-babble.

Bogdan Cvetkovic
5 years ago

The manifesto-writer declared that the aforementioned gamers who are alive collectively “reject the Industry of Outrage and it’s [sic] guilt-based economic model … reject the ideological megaphones who perpetually parrot their prejudiced hate,” and get a bit peeved when their gender, race, sexual orientation and so forth are “traded on the mediatic market, in return for ideological brownie points.” Mediatic market?

Mr. Gamer Gate doesn’t have much self-awareness, does he? The Gamer Gate harassers are doing everything he is accusing others of doing.

Shaun Day
Shaun Day
5 years ago

I should mention that I was using a moderatelyly sweet apple and I’m not a fan of too too sweet, so taste your filling before you use it and adjust your sugar to taste. And any juices that leak out can be poured overtop of the rolls, so use a cutting board with a drain thing whatever that moatish thing is called. The recipe also multiplies easily, and you can and you can use it to make chocolate fruit rolls. 2 Tbsp butter, 2 Tbsp golden sugar, 1/2 cup chocolate chips or chopped up chocolate bar/bakers chocolate/melting drops and 1/2 cup minced strawberries, cherries or something similar (if you’re using a wet fruit toss with flour as for pie filling). Melt butter and spread over rolled out dough, sprinkle with sugar, chocolate, and fruit. Roll etc.

Dennis Jernberg (@dennis_jernberg)

thesaurus-mining

Way too much to be tolerable. I bet this guy thinks he’s an intellectual, like Heartiste. For all we know, he had to translate it into English from his native dudebro-ese.

Mr. Gamer Gate doesn’t have much self-awareness, does he? The Gamer Gate harassers are doing everything he is accusing others of doing.

Which is why I’m convinced GamerGate was a “conservative conspiracy” operation from the beginning, because this is how US conservatives “think”.

Speaking of woman-hating US conservatives, looks like Rush Limbaugh and Clear Channel/iHeart dox too

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

I’m not even sure how, but for some reason Darrow became Dare-pants and eventually shortened to just pants or sometimes panties. It’s probably misandry to call my male cat panties.

You’re not alone, WWTH. I had a Siamese kitteh whose nickname was Mr. Quackypants.

We are Gamers.

Okay, just stop right there.

Here’s the thing. Gaming is something you *do*. It’s not something you are. It’s a voiuntary choice, a small part of all the likes and dislikes that make up ypur identity. It’s not the least bit like being a woman, a racial minority, or LGBTQ. There is no systematic institutional discrimination against “gamers”. You’re not required to put it on your passport or job application or wear a star or use separate bathrooms. There is zero equivalency between “some journalists want our hobby to be more inclusive” and firehoses, lynchings, ghettos, pogroms, rape, and gas chambers. Get some perspective. Quit taking yourself so seriously. Real life isn’t a video game full of enemies and missions and lulzy pranks against 2-D characters who don’t really exist. You are causing real harm and real pain to real people, all because of your selfish belief that the entire universe should cater to you and you alone. If you were a genuine social justice movement, you’d be asking for equal rights, dignity, and inclusion, not lobbying for special rights and exclusion. See the difference?

You can put down the damn game controller at any time, walk out into the sunlight a free person, and be accorded all the privileges that come with being a 21st century straight white man in the West. Other people don’t have that choice.

The Gamer Gate harassers are doing everything he is accusing others of doing.

Yep, SOP for right-wing reactionaries, as Dennis said. It isn’t just projection. It’s deliberately muddying the waters so that when others accuse them of doing the same thing, it will appear like a weak, copycat “you too” and confuse the public, who will probably murmur “oh well, both sides do it” and turn away.

Genrally speaking, if you want to know what US right wing politicians are up to behind closed doors, watch what they are accusing other people of doing. You can predict when a scandal is about to break by the sudden appearance of weird, unfounded accusations against Democrats.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

You’re not alone, WWTH. I had a Siamese kitteh whose nickname was Mr. Quackypants.

Our Hadji was Mr Hadji Jimjams, which in our family means jammies, pajamas. Misandry!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

Oh, cute, kittehserf!

One of Percy’s alternate nicknames was Chocolate Jodhpurs. He had quite the set of fancy struttin’ bloomers, which he spent hours grooming. They were his pride and joy. Clearly a beta cat, since he was interested in personal hygiene.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

Chocolate Jodhpurs is an adorable name! Mr Hadji was a bit of a fluffypants too, though I guess he’d have been Liquorice Jodhpurs if we’d thought of it. 😀

M. the Social Justice Ranger
M. the Social Justice Ranger
5 years ago

Levi wishes to join the floofpile of cats named after pants. Because apparently that’s a thing. =P

Lea
Lea
5 years ago

One of my cats is nicknamed Mr. Fuzzy Lumpkins.

One of my dogs is nicknamed Pig-dog-pee-pants, Princess of Pee-pantsilvania. We believe her to be the result of a rogue genetic experiment. Guess what she does when she’s frightened or overly excited?

davidknewton
davidknewton
5 years ago

Did he write it out and then run every word through a thesaurus and pick the longest one?

friday jones
friday jones
5 years ago

“We are gamers.
We are alive.”

We are young
Heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong
No one can tell us we’re wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield

titianblue
titianblue
5 years ago

For some reason, my cat Maisie is now known as The Amazing Maise-pants. *is embarrassed*

marinerachel
5 years ago

I call my sister’s cat Fluffypants. The upper part of her hind legs ARE fluffy so it makes sense. It looks like she’s wearing bloomers. My sister calls them her pantaloons!

janinmi
5 years ago

Dear GamerGate manifesto author,

We regret to inform you that you did not win the annual Logodaedaly Award for best post. The award has been presented to artist and media critic Alison Bechdel, who recently received a MacArthur Foundation award (also known as a “genius grant”).

We figure anything Bechdel writes will be more coherent and delightful compared to your efforts. Just sayin’.

The Logodaedaly Awards Judges Panel

[note: the LA is not a real award, but it could be. The ball has been thrown…]

Puddleglum
5 years ago

We denounce the mercantilization of debased social justice

Did the writer mean these things? http://www.themarysue.com/social-justice-pins/

Cuz they rock.

Puddleglum
5 years ago

To the chefs on the thread, if we had to make a Word Salad recipe, what would be in it?

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

floofpile of cats

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thebewilderness
thebewilderness
5 years ago

A generous cup of pretentiousness and two tablespoons of greasy patronizing blended with fervor and enthusiasm. Always using “we” even though there is so no we going on here.
Or you can follow the Gulliani recipe and simply say a noun a verb and 9/11.

Bogdan Cvetkovic
5 years ago

“Intellectually monolithic empire” sure is a pretentious way to say “medium where women are characters, rather than just random pairs of bouncing boobs”.

I know. Let’s say the horrible radical social justice warrior feminazis win the “culture war” and make every Gamer Gater’s worst nightmare come true. What will it be like? More women, POC, and LGBTQ will be represented in games as complete characters. There will be more types of games out there and more room to experiment with new possibilities, both in an entertainment and art sense. There will be much stricter policies against threats and harassment.

Terrifying I know. Exactly like Maoist China.

strivingally
5 years ago

@Bogdan:

It’s just the same hippie-punching and lefty-bashing that’s been going on since the 60s, just dressed up with 4chan lingo and image macros and sold to a generation who mistakenly thinks they’re persecuted for having a nerdy interest. The fact that a lot of the vocal rabble-rousers are using redpill rhetoric is especially telling. A lot of GamerGaters are being played and they don’t even realise it.

kittehserf - MOD
5 years ago

Terrifying I know. Exactly like Maoist China.

Soon, these posters will be everywhere, and no RealGamerDude™ will be safe from denunciation.
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twincats
twincats
5 years ago

puddleglum: To the chefs on the thread, if we had to make a Word Salad recipe, what would be in it?

Brown slimy lettuce, sliced up rubbery dried out carrots, moldy tomato wedges, squishy cucumber slices, and stale croutons with the dressing of your choice.

I just wish the “chefs” that serve these awful things up had to eat them, too.

Tracy
5 years ago

I was going to post a ranty, frustrated comment but then… I saw the Chairman Meow poster, and zomg want. I feel much better now.

One of our pusses, Scrinchie, is sometimes known as ‘Scrinchie-pants’ or ‘Silly Pants McGee’.

Word Salad:
1c purple prose
1c diced thesaurus
2tbsp projection
1tbsp conspiracy theory

Toss vigorously, and drench with 1/4-1/2c ragefroth. Sprinkle with absurdity.

SittieKitty
5 years ago

By complete coincidence I happened to be finally able to read this site again and occasioned by the comments section. It’s been flipping ages, but I am intending to start updating the food blog again! I still have a bunch of recipes I’m hoping to try out. I’ll add the ones I see here to the list.

strivingally
5 years ago

I really didn’t want to necro a thread but I REALLY WANTED to post this excellent thing from reddit, a “simplified” version of that atrociously disingenuous manifesto. Thanks SittieKitty for letting me avoid the guilt! 😉
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cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
5 years ago

“We felt that we needed to mention that we were alive twice just in case the dullness of this manifesto made you wonder if we were communicating with you from beyond the grave.”

SittieKitty
5 years ago

Ha, no problem strivingally! Also hi everyone, I hope everyone’s been well since last I was around, which was a long damn time ago…

pallygirl
pallygirl
5 years ago

@cassandra: they may be emphatically alive, but I’m still waiting for the proof on sentience.