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Open Thread for Personal Stuff, July 2014 Edition

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An open thread for personal stuff, continuing from here.

As usual for these threads: no trolls, no MRAs, no arguments.

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Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

Kittenserf:

I can’t imagine dealing with the light in an Arctic summer.

At least it’s not hot most of the time, although this week day temps have been close to 30 and night temps around 20, which is quite extreme. I can manage without a mask, the heat is a bigger problem. Anyway, days are already getting shorter and it’s even fully dark around midnight.

Ally S
6 years ago

@pallygirl

They should be coming within next week. ^_^

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

I wondered how hot the harsh summer you’ve been having would be, Arctic Ape. 20 is warm overnight in our summers; it’s when it still hovers around 30 all night that it gets really obnoxious. We’re already being warned of a hotter-than usual, dry summer, hence bad bushfires. Makes me wonder how many years it’ll take before they decide that yes, temps closer to 40 than 30, more often, are a normal summer now.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

/happy dance for Ally

/happy dance for anyone else who needs/wants a happy dance.

And week 2 of radiation therapy starts tomorrow. I’m off to take a sleeping pill.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Hey, Arctic Ape, are you still here? I need a bit of very quick Finnish translation help.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

It’s an album title, “Natten Med De Levande Fintroll”. Night of the living Fintroll or night with the living Fintroll? I’m seeing both, not sure which is correct.

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

The latter, although IDK if the former interpretation would be possible. I know only little Swedish. Some people here speak Swedish as first language, but Finnish is much different 🙂

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Oops, I’d forgotten that they actually sing in Swedish (still not sure why they do that). Thanks!

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
6 years ago

Finland is bilingual in about the same extent and style that Canada is bilingual, if you replace English with Finnish and French with Swedish (might as well replace indigenous languages with Sami).

Fibinachi
6 years ago

Night of the Living Fintrolls is my personal translation, because levande is levende is not something I would normally use when I speak Danish about anything but most plural things and I’ll be damned if I let those Swedish pagans change that. Natten Med De Levende Fintrolle, to be precise in my kludged three language thing.

That’s a little beside the point.

I think your best bet would be Night of the Living Fintroll. Technically med is with, but it can also mean of when using in relation to the status of things. And I’m assuming this is a night full of trolls, instead of a night that comes with trolls.

GrumpyOldNurse
GrumpyOldNurse
6 years ago

Bee – I don’t usually give random advice to people, but, please RUN. A. WAY. Dangerous dude sounds dangerous.

Ally S – Sorry to hear about the nightmare. Jerk brain is a jerk. You deserve so much better.

I just had a night full of trolls, myself. It wasn’t nearly as much fun as the album sounds, though.

Unimaginative
6 years ago

Confining people is considered a worse crime than sexual assault. Anecdote: about 25 years ago, in Canada, a young woman friend had a similar “date”. He trapped her in his apartment and assaulted her. Because he had a better lawyer than she did, she was convinced to drop what she thought was the lesser charge of unlawful confinement.

Because, to any human being who’s been in that kind of situation, yeah. Being locked in somebody’s apartment is scary, but it’s not immediately harmful. There’s a sense that you can somehow figure out a way to get out. You’re not hurt *yet*.

Being sexually assaulted is invasive and traumatizing. However, to the law, sexual assault convictions can result in a stern talking to from the judge, whereas unlawful confinement (if proved) always leads to jail time.

So he got a slap on the wrist and she got PTSD.

tl;dr: Bee, it’s not your fault, and avoid that scumbag.

Anyway, days are already getting shorter and it’s even fully dark around midnight.

We’ve lost about an hour and a half of sunlight since solstice. Ever time I see the sunrise and sunset times on the weather network, I get a little anxious about winter coming. I LOVE having the sun shining during all the hours I’m awake.

In another month and a half or so, I’ll have to start doubling my vitamin D intake and using my light lamp in the mornings. I hate winter.

Unimaginative
6 years ago

Ally, I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. If it helps at all, I’m looking at this:

Thanks, dad, for helping me get a trauma disorder. It means a lot to me because without it, maybe my life wouldn’t be nearly as miserable. Such a difference you’ve made in my life.

as a good sign. You might not have noticed, but you used to apologize for and defend everything your dad did, and blame yourself for not being tough enough to take his abuse. I think that you being able to clearly assign blame to him shows that you’re starting to feel removed enough and safe enough from the ongoing trauma that you’re able to clearly identify it.

I hope you feel better soon.

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

I’m not awake enough to reply to the serious stuff, besides to offer hugs, but LBT, dont worry about the cactus needing a trim — I lost maybe a third of the parent that way and clearly it turned out fine!

I introduced Puff to the gobies last night, he tried to eat them. I may end up having to find somewhere to put my empty 10g >.< (luckily the gobies would be fine in it)

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Well, it went better today. Puff ignored them in favor of swimming the edges of the container they’re in, particularly the edges of the sticker that used to be on the outside (I turned a semi-transparent file case into a fish bucket because DUAL HANDLES). Given how he acts in his own tank, I’m thinking he was questioning where the other fish // his reflection went, or why he couldn’t see out (honestly though, he acts like it’s more than just seeing out, he skitters along the edges like one body width over is Really Different…it really reminds me of kittens and mirrors)

I’ve been tempted to mirror test him, but the last time I tried that on a fish I broke the fish. It spent the next week in hiding.

Bee
Bee
6 years ago

Thanks so much, kittehserf, cassandra, Ally, pallygirl, Unimaginative, Grumpyoldnurse (love the nym), David, others? (did I forget anyone? I’m sorry!) I really needed to hear that I shouldn’t talk to him again. Even though I know that! So, I also blocked the number of the dude I went out with last week who was masturbating himself with my hand when I woke up. Still can’t get over feeling deeply flawed to be attracting(?) these dudes with such regularity.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

Bee, don’t beat yourself up over some bad dates. I know I had a long string of poor choices that culminated in my asshole college boyfriend (who coincidentally also thought it was perfectly reasonable to hold me against my will). It’s not like most jerks say “I’m a scary asshat that doesn’t respect any boundaries!” when they introduce themselves. They’re usually charming as hell.

I also don’t think it’s you, personally that’s attracting these guys. It’s probably your situation; being new in town without too many local friends yet is probably making you seem tempting and vulnerable to these jerkfaces. Once you’re a little more settled and comfortable, they’ll probably stop trying to slime their way into your life. [Source for speculation: my own personal experiences, both platonic and romantic, from moving around a bit in my late teens/very early twenties. YMMV.]

And “huzzah!” for kicking those rapey fuckers to the curb. I can’t tell you how many awful people I’ve tolerated because I didn’t want to be rude. Being polite for politeness’ sake is highly overrated.

Things will get better. Lots of hugs and pompom waves, if you want them.

….

And hugs and cheers to everyone else on thread, whatever you want and your situation merits 🙂

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Bee — yep, I also doubt it’s you personally attracting them. Predators go after the vulnerable — new in town, few friends, I’d guess they see you as vulnerable and thus try their shit on you. Tell them to fuck off, and cut contact, more, become sure in the fact that this is perfectly okay behavior — should cut down on the number of assholes who make it as far as actually meeting your lovely self in person. Be the sort of person who takes no shit, then when you get dealt a shit hand, you’ll be versed in “ain’t nobody got time for this”.

As someone said up thread, if you’re looking for companionship, you might do better finding it by persuing hobbies with like minded people. Or with fish. I’d be happy to help you get into fish keeping 🙂 (and yes, many of us are as obsessed as me, you’ll find online fora galore devoted to our little fishie companions)

Argenti Aertheri
6 years ago

Actually, if you want fish or not, if you find them interesting, and have a LFS (local fish store, the family/individual run kind) — go hang out there, watch the fish, chat up people, we fish people don’t mind talking about fish! ^.^

Unimaginative
6 years ago

Watching fish is really soothing, too, when you’re stressed or anxious. Watching them swim around is kinda zen.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

Fuck it. I analyzed that shitty email our father sent and posted it publically. He’ll see it as a personal attack, but I am sick of covering for my parents’ bad behavior and pretending it never happened. This way, I can call them out and actively protect myself without fucking talking to them. And hell, maybe someone will see the guilt-tripping and manipulation and be able to escape people trying to pull it on them!

And in the end, this has proved a useful experience! I was ANGRY, not guilty or ashamed nearly as much, and two days later, I’m feeling way better.

I was thinking of doing a comics autobiography of our system. One of the reasons I never dared was because I was afraid of our parents’ reaction. But now they know what happened and how I feel, and I know that nothing bad will happen to them except some strangers thinking they suck. (Strangers who have no idea who they are or what they look like so can’t hurt.) So now I know that making this bio comic would be possible! I’d be able to handle the backlash!

I feel way better than I did earlier now.

RE: Bee

Still can’t get over feeling deeply flawed to be attracting(?) these dudes with such regularity.

Actually, I think there’s a lot of the reverse going on: an abuser is highly motivated to seek out those who have been abused previously. Because that way, they KNOW people will blame the victim and say they’re just seeking out more traumatizing experiences, while they get to claim innocence.

You aren’t attracting them. They are doing their damnedest to attract YOU.

Unimaginative
6 years ago

I feel way better than I did earlier now.

Yay! Like lancing a boil…

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

Whoa, LBT, I would love to read your system autobiography!

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

@ Fibi

Plus “Night with” sounds awkward, doesn’t it? Instead of the night being about the trolls, there just happen to be some trolls there, who knows why?

If you guys had said that it was terribly grammatically incorrect to translate it the other way then I might have been willing to live with the awkwardness, but apparently that’s not the case, so yay.

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

I keep reading Fintrolls as a scary version of Moomintrolls.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

@ Bee

It’s not you, it really is just creeps taking advantage of the situation. “This woman doesn’t have a support system yet – score!” they say to themselves, as they PUT YOUR HAND ON THEIR COCK WHILE YOU SLEEP, WHAT THE HELL? Once you’re settled in a bit more they’ll no doubt slime their way back down into whatever fetid space in between the sewer grates creeps normally hang out in.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

@ Kittehserf

Actually rather less scary than Moomins, I’d say, but a lot more fun, especially if you give them booze.

LBT
LBT
6 years ago

RE: Unimaginative

Yay! Like lancing a boil…

Yes! Hopefully, one day I’ll be at a point where they can do shit like this and I’ll be totally unbothered, but until then, I can live with this.

RE: Kittehs

Whoa, LBT, I would love to read your system autobiography!

It’ll be a tough project, but I look forward to trying it.

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

LOL cassandra, I never found the Moomins scary or creepy, I loved those books.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Me neither, but the band are about as scary as fluffy kitten, if you can imagine a fluffy kitten that’s drunk, wearing leather, and singing about trolls stomping around pre-Christianity Scandinavia.

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

(This is not an insult, btw, lurking masculinity and RESPECT obsessed mantrolls.)

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

A band comprised of leather-clad fluffy kittens singing about trolls would be one I’d want to see.

Unimaginative
6 years ago

D’awww! They wear little troll ears!

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

Heheh – look what I just found.

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/943623424/hD8A76D59/

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

I found out on the weekend that I should be using jojoba oil daily for where I’m stretching my piercings in my ears. It also means that I’m cleaning my stud things (they have an o-ring on the other side, not a butterfly thing) daily too, so bonus. The oil makes it super easy to get the stud things back in my ear, boy do they just slide/glide in.

I tried my owl 2.5mm dangly ones on Saturday and they were easy to get in. I’m thinking of wearing them tomorrow. Everyone at treatment and at work loved my blue hair today. 🙂

Nice news today: one of my workmates brought me a bunch of daffodils to congratulate me on finishing my first week of radiotherapy. Flowers, yay.

I’m doing all I can to make as many sad boners around me as possible. I feel the need to share the love, or not, around.

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

Good to hear, pallygirl!

Back in the long ago when I had my ears pierced, my doc said it’s better to wear sleepers than studs while the ears are healing – you can leave them in and rotate them with whatever you need to be putting on them (especially when they’re infected and you need antibiotic cream).

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

Definition of problematic faves – I finally listened to the new Mayhem album, which was sent to me a few weeks ago, and I kind of love it. You really can’t get much more problematic than a church-burning band some of whose (idiot) members have nazi associations famous for their bassist murdering their guitarist.

Varg can still go fuck himself, though.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

Ah, yes, when I first got my ear piercings done, I was told to rotate. The new advice is leave it all the fuck alone because rotating it creates scar tissue. Just keep the area clean and dry, and don’t poke at it, rotate the stud, put cream on it, etc. This advice, along with a nickle free stud in my nose, has meant that my nose piercing has healed up nicely in 3 months. I’m waiting on my Hello Kitty end to arrive from the US. 🙂

cassandrakitty
cassandrakitty
6 years ago

My only piercing related advice is to never get one done just before going to a festival. My friend got her eyebrow done just before Glastonbury once and let’s just say she regretted that decision.

pallygirl
pallygirl
6 years ago

And in other news, as well as developing an allergy to the first moisturising cream they told me to use last week (substitute cream is working well, I have had it drummed into me by everyone that I NEED TO USE CREAM), it transpires that I am now allergic to the bloody special deodorant.

/sigh fuck allergies

So back to the first deodorant I bought, that I then had to take in so they could check it, and it was fine, but in the meantime I had bought and started using the deodorant they recommended after the first treatment, which is the one I am allergic to. Apparently if I end up being allergic to this one, it’s baking soda and water as the remaining option.

Fibinachi
6 years ago

So, someone just broke down crying in my bathroom. That hasn’t happened in a while. I was kinda hoping to maintain my streak.

No such luck.

Well at least she seemed better once she got it all out. So there’s that!

Now, how do I deal with having gotten way too much information about other people’s relationships, lack thereof, who is cheating on who and who miserable? Gonna be a real treat to go to work with all these people.

waves hands helplessly around

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

Put up a “the doctor is in” sign and a price list, Fibi. Maybe people won’t want you to play therapist if they have to pay for it.

Fibinachi
6 years ago

Could also just give in to peer pressure, drag the couch in there. With the eclectic design decisions of my apartment, it’d just about work.

Fabolous Fibi’s Fine Fucked Feeling Fixer has a kind of ring to it.

Might make showering difficult (or, if I waterproof the couch, really comfy).

It’s not that “playing therapist” is something I mind – if people need to talk, they need to talk! Hell, I’m their friend I guess. It’d be weird if I didn’t want to listen.

I just never quite know what to do afterwards, like, how am I supposed to go to work with all these people now that I’ve gotten discouring intimate details about their various love-lives, lies and less than likable liabilities? Swear to god I’m not doing that alliteration on purpose, it’s a stress negater.

Sure, you can compartmentalize to some degree but after a while it just becomes… bothersome, like trying to hold back some large and ominous avalanche of questions and words you wish you could squeeze with the “Oh, and how are you” to sort of append “(my apparently mildly abusive co-worker who enjoys cheating on people)?”

Maybe I should consider a bachelor in psychology anyhow. I hear you need it to become an actual licensed therapist.

Flying Mouse
Flying Mouse
6 years ago

Ugh, I have no advice to give, but I can commiserate, Fibinachi. That situation sounds like what I had at my husband’s last duty station. I worked with a few women married to men in his unit, and one of the other women was having really bad relationship problems. I was fine with listening to her vent at work, but it made things really awkward when I had to attend company functions and see her there with her spouse. I found out a long time later that the husband was also venting at work, and that Mr. FM was having an equal but opposite reaction when he had to socially meet the wife.

Mr. FM got out of the Army and we moved away before that couple reached any kind of a resolution. I hope it all worked out okay in the end.

Unimaginative
6 years ago

Re: deodorant. I’ve been using one of those salt rock things for about 30 years. They don’t keep you dry (apparently anti-perspirants are no good for you anyway, because you release lymph toxins through sweating), but they do keep the stink down. I guess it’s possible to be allergic to it if you get one that’s got additives. Just in case you run out of non-allergenic alternatives.

Ally S
6 years ago

Actual conversation today (I’m spending Eid with family today):

Dad: As a young 20-year-old man, you should be active and healthy.
Little sister: …a man?
Dad: Of course he is. What, you think he’s a woman?

Also, my brother recently read Janet Mock’s latest book Redefining Realness, and when he asked my dad to read it, my dad just said “Transgender is just a way of getting attention.”

Life sucks.

Ally S
6 years ago

Also, my dad is here and keeps yelling at me to come downstairs even though I’ve been up here for no longer than 5 minutes. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him.

contrapangloss
6 years ago

Ally, hugs.

Hope you can escape soon, and have some good time with the little sisters.

kittehserf MOD
kittehserf MOD
6 years ago

Well, Centrelink spending time and money wisely, as usual. My first “personal contact appointment” (what other kind of appointment is there?).

Centrelink guy: Hi, I’m X, this is your first (etc etc). Still looking for work?

Me: Yep. Going to do some training, what about training payment (etc).

Centrelink guy: Talk to your job provider agency, they handle that. Here’s a sheet for filling in your job searches (hands over A4 sheet).

That was it. Took about two minutes. Seriously, I needed an appointment for that?

Alex
6 years ago

Hugs if wanted to Ally, Bee, and everyone else who may need them. Abusive parents fucking suck, and so do creeps.

Speaking of which, I wanted to share something (sort of?) positive that happened this weekend. (TRIGGER WARNING FOR ATTEMPTED DRUG-ASSISTED RAPE)

On Fridays, I go to this bar, always the same one since I’m friendly with the bartender and the atmosphere isn’t too overwhelming. Well, this dude walked in last Friday night and something put me off about him immediately, and I vaguely recalled someone saying he used to be banned from that bar. He sat down beside me, because of course he did (I know there’s no such thing as a creep magnet, but sometimes it can definitely feel that way). And he was trying to talk to me, but I was only giving one-word answers and wouldn’t face him full-on.

My glass was empty, so I was spinning it, because I’m easily amused, and this guy actually took my glass from me to start spinning it himself. Well, he almost knocked it off the table like an idiot, but I caught it and held it away from him. He tried to talk to me some more, and then suddenly hugged me. My body immediately curled into a defensive position I tend to take when someone enters my personal space too quickly. He eventually let go and walked away, so I ordered my second drink (strongbow 😀 ). I was about halfway through that when the creepy dude came back. So I went to the washroom, partly because I had to pee and partly to avoid being hugged by him again. I was hoping he’d be gone again by the time I was done.

Now, for context, everybody leaves their drink unattended up at that particular bar. I’ve even seen people leave their wallets open, and nothing ever happens. Before I started going to that bar, I’d heard people say the creep level was pretty low. And the first time I walked in there, the friendliness of the bartender, and the overall atmosphere of the place made me feel safe, so I kept coming back.

Anyway, I left my half-a-drink and went to the washroom. When I got back, the first thing I noticed was that the other bartenders (it’s four bars in one) as well as some of the bouncers were there. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but noticed my drink was gone. Suddenly I heard the voice of the bartender I’m friendly with and he did not sound happy. I noticed then that they had all surrounded the creep like a pack of wolves (wolves are my favourite animal, which is why I’m happy to use this analogy), and bartender I’m friendly with had a glass of water that he handed to the creep, and said with this mocking edge to his voice, “Hey, Jeff (creep’s apparent name), I have a challenge for you: drink all that. Right now.” I remember thinking it odd because I’ve seen him offer water to people in the past (myself included) and he was always kind about it, and never demanded anyone drink anything all in one go like that.

Well, Jeff just kind of looked at it, and looked pretty scared. Everyone started laughing at him, and then the bartender’s voice got louder and angrier as he kept demanding, “Right now. Drink it, all of it, right now.” Seriously, I’ve been going to that bar for over four months. I’ve never heard that bartender get that angry before. So the creep finally took a sip, but then looked like he was going to puke, so the bartender mocked him, saying, “Oh! Too fast.” Well, the creep spilled it, and then the bartender called him an asshole for making more work for him. He cleaned it up and then the creep tried to apologize, but the bartender was having none of it, so he left. I then mentioned to the bartender that my drink had run away, but I don’t recall getting a clear answer and by the time things had quieted down, we sort of had other things on our minds.

I talked to my friend about it on Monday, and she explained to me that, at a different bar she frequented, when someone’s caught trying to spike a drink, the bartenders and bouncers will try to get the person to drink their own drug. Once the creep does, they get sent out of the bar in a daze until they pass out or get picked up by the cops, which they then get fined for. Now, since the bartender was trying to make this creep drink a glass of water, I don’t know if my drink was spiked at all or if it was tossed just to be safe (I’ll ask the bartender this Friday because I’ve got to know, and I want to thank him), but either way, some woman was protected that night, and a would-be rapist was shamed and humiliated by men he seemed to respect (to judge by other interactions he’s had with them in previous weeks).

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