The One Gentleman of Alberta: A Craigslist personals disaster [UPDATE: ... which is probably fake]

M'lady, I trust you are not a whore?

Hello, m’lady, I trust you have brought your birth certificate?

UPDATE: D’oh! It looks like this Craigslist ad is a fake. A very similar “gentleman” posted a very similar Craigslist Personal a little less than a year ago, as this Huffington Post story at the time reported. That gentleman claimed to be living in California, not Canada.  So unless the fellow who wrote this ad just moved to Edmonton, it looks like a big ol FAKE.

But it’s still pretty funny.

Hey ladies! Are you a “worthy” woman between the ages of 18-27? Do you like men who think most women, including possibly you, are terrible? Are you looking for a long-winded, judgmental jackass who is definitely older than you but who won’t specify his age, what kind of music he likes, or whether or not he likes dogs until after you’ve met? Do you enjoy reading giant walls of text on the internet that randomly erupt in ALL CAPS and inappropriate “quotation” marks?

Oh, and do you live in Alberta, Canada?

Well, then, you’re in luck, because I have found the man for you! Correction: the GENTLEman for you. Nestled away in the men seeking women section of Craigslist, Edmonton, there’s a self-described

very nice, mature , “gentleman.” with a higher college degree and education. I have my own house (not apartment), car, motorcycle, income, etc. I am of European descent (Spanish/Austrian). A professional man with a GOOD BACKGROUND. Better than 99% of what you will find, GUARANTEE #1.

And all you have to do to in order to meet this fine fellow is to read through his 3500 word, 28-question FAQ to make sure you don’t disagree with him about anything, from the playing of video games (bad) to the proper age difference between men and women in relationships (“Generally speaking the MAN should be OLDER than the woman because females mature or age faster than males (both physically and mentally). This is a scientific fact.”)

You should also have a recent photo, not blurry, that depicts how you look “today.” Without a “hat.”

CURRENT means how you look “today,” NOT “yesterday.” For example, if you had long and black hair yesterday but short and blonde today, don’t send me a photo showing your “older or previous” look. CLEAR means NO “hats,” “sunglasses” or “fuzzy” photos and so forth.

So what else does this fellow require from you?

A proper ID.

Regardless of the age you tell me, don’t be surprised if I ask to see your ID or Birth Certificate to verify.

A willingness to travel, if you don’t live in Edmonton.

As long as we are both in “Alberta” Canada. it’s not a major problem UNLESS you are unwilling or unable to “drive” –OR- use public transportation including the bus or train. … I may ask you to drive or travel to me on the first meeting to “test” if you are serious.

A love of challenges. Sorry, “challenges.”

I wish we lived in a “perfect” world and everything was across the street from my house or within walking distance so none of us would need cars, trains or airplanes. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect or ideal world. This world is full of “challenges” for everyone. Relationships (especially “successful” ones) require enormous time, energy and effort from both man and woman. Relationships are like a full time “JOB.” It’s NOT “EASY.” If you are not able or willing to commit to the challenges of the “job” then you are not ready for the “job.”

You can’t be a lesbian. Unless you’re one of those sexy bi-curious style lesbians that likes men and also likes having threesomes involving other sexy lesbians but not anything weird yuck.

I am not against a bi or bi-curious girl who want to remain honest and loyal to her man I will consider the opportunity as an extension of your wants and needs and if we are a match then I would be ok with it on special occasions (not on a regular basis). Only sharing you with other women friends (no bi guys or gay guys or trannies or other wierd mixed genders. Never will i consider that ever so don’t ask.)

You have to like dudes who argue with you even before you send your first message to them.

Real men are hard to find let alone come by and I consider myself to be one. … It’s ignorant and ridiculous to judge someone so quickly without ever talking to them, meeting them and not even spending 10 minutes with them. Trust me, I am not like your ex-boyfriend or husband. I’m much better. Don’t be quick to judge someone (especially negatively) until you really get to know them which takes time.

But you shouldn’t want to “argue” back because it’s just not ladylike.

Asking questions is fine but “arguing” is NOT attractive. You have a right to disagree BUT if your intention is to “argue,” just do us both a favor and don’t contact me at all. Men, in general, are TURNED-OFF by aggressive or argumentative woman BECAUSE it is characteristic of a traditional “masculine” person and NOT someone feminine. Have you heard of the “Bitch” stereotype? That’s what I mean. When men date the opposite sex they don’t want to feel they are with another man but with a female.

You probably shouldn’t have much self-esteem.

Tell me something about yourself that I or other men cannot $$ PURCHASE $$ for a few dollars off the street and you will have my attention. Being cute or attractive is no doubt appealing but NOT sufficient. Sadly and more humorous, most girls think just being “cute” or “pretty” will get them far or that’s all they need to be successful with men. Sorry, this is not the case especially with smarter and more intelligent men with resources. We know better and not easily fooled by just a “pretty” girl.

Also, don’t be a gold-digger.

My headline says “Gentleman” or “Professional” it doesn’t say $ATM$ Machine. If you are looking for an ATM Machine to finance and “spoil” yourself look somewhere else. You have to appreciate the company of a “gentleman” and at the same time appreciate any amount he spends on you, if any. He has no obligation to spend a dollar on you BUT he MAY depending on what he thinks you are worthy and deserving of (not what you think) and how well you reciprocate and show appreciation for it. If you are focused on his money instead of him or if you are a gold-digger, escort or prostitute don’t bother.

Be prepared to commit to the “JOB.”

[A] “relationship” … is like another “JOB.” You have to be “available” and willing to set aside time to show up to the “JOB.” You have to resolve whatever “outside” distractions or obstacles you have (i.e., other jobs, school, etc) so you can be available for at least 2-3 full days per week and at various times including weekends for dating, hanging out, etc.

And don’t ask questions! Remember, curiosity “killed” the CAT.

NO other information about me besides what is already stated here until you supply the “6” items requested. Why? I don’t want to spend a lot of time answering your questions UNTIL I know who you are and know you are serious. This will give me confidence that I’m not wasting a lot of time answering questions to a fake or phony person. As of right now, and if you have been reading this far, you know A LOT more about me than I know about you.

You’ll have to read his profile to see the rest of his conditions. It’s all a bit complicated.

But you’ll have to move fast, because a prize like this guy isn’t likely to remain single for long!

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Posted on July 2, 2014, in $MONEY$, boner rage, creepy, entitled babies, evil sexy ladies, gender policing, gentlemen, grandiosity, homophobia, hypocrisy, I'm totally being sarcastic, men who should not ever be with women ever, misogyny, nice guys, transphobia and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 105 Comments.

  1. @cassandrakitty…um, wow. For a moment I was thinking, ok, fair enough – he just wrote some bizarre stories on the internets. Thoughts aren’t illegal. Then I got to the part about him looking up potential victims in the police database and discussing an actual woman he knew as being an easy target. Chills.

  2. I love how the ex-cop with cannibalistic torture fantasies called them ‘infantile’. As opposed to terrifying. The guy looked up how to drug people and mentioned how an acquaintance would be easy to prey on because she lived alone and had access to a restricted database. And they let this guy out? Ugh.

    Also, how funny is it that this fake personal ad is, at least at first glance, totally indistinguishable from the real thing. It’s like the online version of the guy I saw holding up a sign declaring ‘I DESERVE HOT BLONDE GIRLS. But I’ll take anyone at this point.’ (And, no, he was not hot or interesting. Balding, pudgy, and admitting to desperation.)

  3. @JJ, I had the same thought…what the BLOODY HELL does anything he did/wrote have to do with immaturity? What a weird thing for him to say.

  4. Liveandletlive098

    @cassandrakitty
    So basically they won’t punish him until some poor woman has to suffer this fate??? Can’t they at least get him assessed by a doctor???

  5. @Fnoicby
    I know, right? I mean, I suppose he doesn’t want to be all ‘HA HA I want to eat women after torturing them aren’t I a tragic figure’ because the response from the average person when he was locked up was ‘Wow, we dodged a bullet with that’. This guy was a cop, which makes it even worse. They need more in depth psych screenings or something, ’cause…well, he fantasizes about EATING PEOPLE. And putting their severed heads on the table to watch him while he eats! That’s not ‘infantile’ that’s serial killer ‘I keep human meat in my freezer’ messed up.

  6. @JJ, something about the comment seems to me indicative of a lack of understanding of human emotions and concepts such as “maturity” or “immaturity”…I think that’s why it’s sticking out as a big red flag to me. Something’s off (I mean, as if we couldn’t tell already).

  7. Also wasn’t partial to the judge’s comment that since all this happened on the internet, it didn’t happen in the “real world”. So a police database isn’t the “real world” because it exists online? WTF?!?!

  8. Phoenician in a time of Romans

    You have to resolve whatever “outside” distractions or obstacles you have (i.e., other jobs, school, etc) so you can be available for at least 2-3 full days per week and at various times including weekends for dating, hanging out, etc.

    Why does that start raising the red flag about the common abuser approach of cutting the victim off from friends, family, and outside social support?

  9. Wow. And I thought New York cops were bad before I read this… I have no idea how this guy’s being let go without even being required to go into some serious therapy.I can’t help but wonder where he’d be right now if he’d been “fantasizing” online about a “fake” terrorist plot, rather than killing and eating women?

  10. He’s a fake?!?

    I’m never going to find a man…

  11. Buttercup Q. Skullpants

    Government ID? A 6-step application? Stringent requirements? No outside distractions such as family, friends, school, or a (non-scare-quoted) job? No further information until you pass muster?

    Dating this guy sounds like a cross between a Pap smear and a Foreign Service exam.

  12. http://nymag.com/news/features/cannibal-cop-2014-1/

    A Dangerous Mind
    When do awful thoughts, shared with complete strangers, become criminal actions? The troubling case—in every direction—of the “cannibal cop.”

    Here’s a good article about New York’s own Cannibal Cop. I think there’s a real argument to be made that this fantasy and he was jailed for thought crimes. He discussed grotesque and unrealistic murders online with numerous people from a message board, which isn’t the way a criminal cop would usually go about things.

    I also think that the details, descriptions and the fact that he discussed a murder plan with others understandably scared the shit out of his wife, who found all this on their home computer. He abused his job, he terrorized his wife and he pretended to plot numerous women’s murders. His actions led to the trial and his 20 months in jail, I’m not sad for the guy.

  13. Just wanted to dump this evidence of an entertaining schism in the Men’s Supremacy Movement somewhere; this seems like as good a spot as any. Link to AVfM is a donotlink URL. Elam’s post, and the comments, are … well you just have to read them.

  14. kittehserf MOD

    People, look back at starkidnina’s comment here. It looks like this was a real ad originally.

  15. cassandrakitty

    I’m not buying the idea that he wasn’t planning to act on his fantasies. It was a smart argument for the defense to make, but I’m not buying it at all. He’s full of shit.

  16. fruitloopsie

    Fromafar

    “I now want to write one of those pet care guides (like How to Set up a Box Turtle Enclosure, or How to Potty Train your Puppy) but for women. So as to teach men how to care for a woman properly.”

    Can we put this into the Miss Andry Issue that I made up? What was that blog called again?

  17. First of all, he didn’t talk about this stuff just online, he talked about it with people in the “real world.” And he accessed a police database to get information on someone he publicly announced he was going to murder. This is a case of cops looking out for cops and throwing their hands up when the worst happens.

  18. Flying Mouse

    @WatermelonSugar – “I had to google SMV. I like urban dictionary’s second offering better than the real definition–something to do with making music videos with Sims. That’s a much more valuable hobby than being a PUA.”
    :D Personally if there was such a thing as Social Market Value, I’d think making Sims music videos would raise it much higher than perfecting your Game.

    But what do I know? The few times random dudes tried PUA strategies on me, I had no clue what they were doing. I just stood there staring at them blankly until they gave up and went away.

  19. I think this is one case where his being a cop works against him, because it made his often ridiculous plans seem way more sinister. I’ve lived in and around NYC for decades and I’ve seen cops get away with awful shit, but once your fellow officers think you’re a cannibal serial killer they want you to rot in jail. So did his jury, because juries sometime forgive a cop for shooting unarmed people and beating up suspects in custody, but this guy’s Ero Guro fetish was too much for them.

    I think his attorney has a valid argument and I’m not shocked the appeal worked, but that’s not a hill worth dying on for me. Even if this is online role-playing fantasies, this guy choose to do an enormous number of things that sound threatening and criminal. I see why people want in him jail and I can’t blame them. I have a huge amount of sympathy for the wife, it’s understandable that she was terrified by what she read on her home computer. I don’t even know how I would have voted if I was on the jury. I just don’t agree that this is an obvious miscarriage of justice, it’s not the same as a cop getting off for beating or shooting someone. It’s a very strange case.

  20. Unimaginative

    Yeah, I dunno. A lot of people from everywhere are moving to Alberta, including from California. And an unfortunate number of them are entitled assholes.

    I have nothing on the cannibal cop. Many years ago, a cop asked my then-19 yo sister out. They’d met briefly in some context, and he LOOKED HER UP and drove to our house to talk to her some more. Not creepy at all.

  21. Looking at the explanation, I have to say it’s possible (even probable) the right call was made. Conspiracy charges are notoriously overbroad.

    But one of the requirements is an, “overt act”. The problem with that is the “overt act” is really vauge, and applies to everyone in the coversation. If you add an informant (paid, or not) in the employ of the police, having a bull session about how to do “x”, and that it requires “y”, means that the informant can say, “I know where to get “y” and if he doesn’t get shouted down, his purchase of “y” can be used to imprison them all.

    So before I say the wrong call was made, I’d like to see what the alleged overt act was.

    It’s not that I think he’s innocent, it’s just that he might be not-guilty.

  22. and now I must to bed.

  23. Footlopsie — Feminist Borg — click my nym. And yes, please! Email me if you want to join our merry band of misandrists, easiest way is prolly the Borg contact form.

    As for the topic…*dies laughing* some catch this one is. I prefer my fish, even with the org chem of tank cycling and the endless ice cubes since the tanks are Way Too Hot, and everything else that goes into having biggish tanks and sensitive fish, they’re way less demanding than this guy. Also, none of them are likely to kill me. Puff may take a nibble, but you can’t feel it, or it feels a bit like poking yourself with a dull pencil.

  24. Does anyone remember that Romeo Rose guy? That fuckery was real and possibly worse than the ad covered in this post. http://www.dailydot.com/lol/romeo-rose-sleepless-in-austin-ad/

    Unfortunately cannibal stories always make me laugh (even though this one isn’t at all funny) because of the IT Crowd episode.

  25. @kittehserf, that graphic on the right is just too much.

  26. And here’s where I admit that once I hit on the traffic cop that was writing me up. I told him that I gave my consent for him to use my personal information I was giving him for the ticket to contact me. We dated for a couple of months but he was coming out of a divorce and I was heading to a physical and emotional breakdown, so not the best time. The first time he contacted me I was on call at the hospital and I had a really confusing conversation as I thought he was a doctor trying to call me in to do work.

    Re the schism linked by cloudiah: LOL. That really is pissing in the (very small) swimming pool.

  27. Oops I meant cloudiah, re the mrm rift link

  28. @WWTH oh yes I remember that Romeo Rose thing. Dare I ask: what happened in the end?

  29. I think he ended up losing his job or something. I’m guessing he’s still single but am not sure. His original site has been taken down but from what I remember it had some appalling stuff about how ugly he thinks black people are. Of course he tried to claim he wasn’t racist.

  30. Argenti

    “Footlopsie”

    Pffft :D

  31. kittehserf MOD

    Fnoicby, you had me wondering “What graphic?” for a minute there! :D

    Urgh, that Romeo Rose creep. Moronic, racist, misogynist, violent, you name it, he’s got it.

  32. And an overly positive view of himself as well, like a god’s gift to females attitude. Pfft.

  33. BlackStarSix

    Creepy craig strikes again! Srsly, craigslist persons is the worst of all internet dating sites. And yes, this ad is an elaborate hoax. If not, he is yet another desperado.

  34. I think it says a lot about the attitude that this sort of parody is mocking, that so many people were able to believe that it was real.

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